Amy Schumer Mother Knows Best

Paul… Pete Davidson

Shelby McAllister… Amy Schumer

Summer… Cecily Strong

Jackie… Aidy Bryant

Mason… Chris Redd

Shanile… Leslie Jones

Christopher… Mikey Day

Abissaleth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Game Show Network” intro.]

Female voice: You’re watching “Game Show Network.”

[Cut to game stage. The contestants are waiting for the host.]

Male voice: It’s “Mother Knows Best” where moms and their teams team up to win cash. Here’s your hostess with the mostest, Shelby McAllister.

[Shelby walks in]

Shelby: Thank you. Thank you and welcome to “Mother Knows Best.” I’m your host, Shelby. I’m a YouTube sketch comedian and a serious genuine singer. Okay, to find out what our teams are playing for today, let’s check in with our announcer cutie pie Paul.

Paul: Hmm. Please don’t call me that. Just ‘Paul’ please. Our teams are playing for a grand prize of $10,000. And again, just Paul.

Shelby: Hmm, thank you cutie pie Paul. Okay, let’s meet today’s teams. From Fountain Valley, California, 17 year old Summer and her mom Jackie.

Summer: My mom can be really strict.

Jackie: Oh, and if we don’t win today, she’s grounded.

Shelby: From Tempe, Arizona, it’s 16 year old Mace and his mom Shanile.

Mason: My mom says raising kids is full time job.

Shanile: And today, I plan on getting that $10,000 raise.

Shelby: And from Fortress-of-the-Lamb, Pennsylvania, a close community of friends, it’s 17 year old John Christopher and his mom Abissaleth.

Christopher: My mom is my best friend.

Abissaleth: My son is my life. [Christopher and Abissaleth hug closely] He is of me.

Shelby: Awesome! Awesome! Before the show, we asked our teams questions about their moms. If their moms’ answers match up, they get 50 points. First question. Teams, what’s something you do that drives your mom crazy?

Summer: Oh, ma’am, this is easy. My mom hates when I chew my hair.

Jackie: Oh, yeap. I said “Chewing her darn hair.” [showing board with the same thing written.] [right answer bell]

Shelby: Correct. 50 points on the board. Christopher, what’s something you do that annoys your mom?

[Christopher and Abissaleth are holing hands]

Christopher: [giggling] Sometimes in the morning, I wake up before she does and I get up out of our bed. And when she wakes up, she won’t know I’m there.

Shelby: Did you say our bed? Mom, show us your answer.

Abissaleth: I said, [showing her written board] “Leaving our bed early and making mommy worry.”

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Yes, you did. Correct. You got 50 points.

[Christopher and Abissaleth hug very closely and tightly again]

Abissaleth: [singing] [Christopher and Abissaleth kiss on lips softly.]

Shelby: Cool. Cool. Okay. On to Mason and his mom. Mason, what drives your mom nuts?

[Mason and Shanile are still shocked]

Mason: [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] Um, they’re still going. [Christopher and Abissaleth are still kissing]

Shelby: Okay. Alright.

Abissaleth: We won the points.

Shelby: Okay, we’re done with that. We’re done with that. So, no more of that. Okay. Mason, what drives your mom crazy?

Mason: Um, when I play my music real loud. She hates that.

Shanile: What? I said “When you wear one of those dumb hats.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, yikes! No points. Okay, after one round, we got Summer and Jackie with 50 points, Mason and Shanile with 0, and John Christopher and Abissaleth with 50 points.

[Christopher is brushing Abissaleth’s hair.]

Close game so far, huh, cutie pie Paul?

Paul: Please, just call me Paul.

Shelby: We’ll see. Second question, and we’ll start with John Christopher. What’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Christopher: Oh, that’s easy. That I’ll meet a woman and get married one day.

Abissaleth: Yes, I put [shows her written card] “That a woman whose menarche has come will ensnare him, leaving me to perish in my loneliness and filth, alone, alone, alooooone. Also, lyme disease.”

Shelby: I really don’t want to give that answer points, but that’s 50 points.

[right answer bell] [Abissaleth starts singing and then Christopher and Abissaleth kiss again.]

Shelby: Okay. Okay. Okay. And my producers are asking that you limit your songs to no songs. Alright, Summer, what’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Summer: Oh, um, probably spiders.

Jackie: Oh, shoot. I said [showing her written card] I said that “My husband and I will get into one of our loud fights in front of her friends.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, oh! No points. I hear you though. My mom and dad would fight all the time. My dad was not afraid of a drink. Let’s go to Mason and Shanile.

Shanile: Ah, we forfeit. We can’t beat these two. [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] They kissing on the lip. Look at them. Look.

[Christopher is sitting on Abissaleth’s lap. Abissaleth is caressing his thighs.]

Shelby: Yeah. Yeah. No one’s gonna beat them. I don’t think they’ve ever slept in separate rooms. Okay, we’ve got to take a quick break before round two.

Christopher: Well, will I have time for restroom?

Abissaleth: And will I have time to help him in there? Coz he can’t aim.

Shelby: Oh, my god! We’ll be right back.

Amy Schumer Monologue

Amy Schumer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Schumer.

[Amy Schumer walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Amy Schumer: Thank you very much. Thank you so much. [someone passes her a mic] Oh, and thank you so much. It is so great to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live. Yes. It’s the best. Some of you may have heard, I got married this year. Sorry, ladies. It’s been locked down. And some people are like, “What are you gonna talk about now on your stand up? All you talked about was getting railed.” And I’m like, “Thank you.” But it’s true. I mean, I’m a little sad. I’m never gonna get a “You up?” text again. You know? Not like they were rolling in but it was nice to know someone was thinking about me. I one time got a “You up?” text and I wrote the guy back and he texted me, “Sorry. Wrong text.” I was like, “Me too. I’ll just cancel my Uber. Who cares?”

So, I did. I got married in the way that my now husband proposed was so worthless. It was such a dumb proposal. It was the morning. I was still asleep. He threw the box at me and said, “I got you this.” Like, it’s just– But that’s really– That’s a realistic proposal, you know? I feel like in all the movies and TV shows, it’s always a guy getting down on one knee and the girl’s always like, shocked. You know? Like, she’s like, “[screams] I didn’t even know you liked me.” You know, like, you’re gonna spend your life with this dude who you didn’t even know he liked you?

But, the girls I know, I’m from New York, we all got married in like mid late 30s. The guy would propose and all my friends are like, “Oh, now? Now you’re ready? That I probably can’t have kids? Great! Cool! You’re not in love. You’re tired. You’re tired. And I know all your passwords. That’s what’s happening.”

I have been a bridesmaid in six Long Island weddings. Do you understand what that means? And again, it’s like they all got married in their mid or late 30s. It’s like– you know, it’s New York. If you get engaged in 40, people are just like, “Whoa, teen bride! Get to know him. Meet this man. Go through menopause.”

And there’s something like, a little bit sad about being a bride’s maid in your late 30s. It’s like I’m always standing there in a Greecian gown with my aging cleavage, like coachella flower thing. And you’re just standing in that line of bridesmaids hoping you don’t have the biggest arm. That’s it. You’re just like, “Is my–” You’re like doing an arm workout. You’re doing a tricep press. Like, “She does.”

But my friends– People when they were younger, it used to be you get married in your 20s and you have a little spaghetti arm, you’re holding champagne like, “This is heavy.” You know? 30s, it’s just like a sea of turkey leg. You’re all just like, “Ugh!”

One of my best friends got married this summer. She’s an anthropologist and by that I just mean she goes to that store Anthropology a lot. She loves like, a lobster print on her dress. I could not afford anthropology growing up. I still, if I can get anything for free, I want it. There are things like, you could get for free. Like, a razor, your could seal from a gym or something. And they’re not like, a moisturized razor. It’s kind of just like a violent straight razor. But they’re free. They are free. Something else you can get for free. Tampons. Honestly, someone will always hook you up. You’ll never have to just like, bleed out. Someone will– A sister will be there for you. It’s true. We get each other’s backs. We do. And the way we ask each other, it’s not even like– you don’t even have to say the word. It’s more like a rhythm and motion. You look around like you’re about to talk rudely about somebody at a family reunion. And you go, [in soft voice] “Does anyone have like, the… huh?” You don’t even say the last words. You’re just, “Ya. Ya. [gibberish] ?” We say it like that because we’ve been taught to be ashamed of being born human women because men, I think you think that we just get our periods every month but we choose to get it. We go, “I’m bored. What should I do? I think I’ll bleed. Just bleed for a couple of days.” So, we whisper it coz we’re embarrassed.

So, I asked this group of girls. I was at a gym locker room the other day. And I was like, “Does anyone [gibberish] ?” And this girl was like, “Oh, yeah. I do. What size?” And I’m like– Of course I know there’s different sizes of tampons. But I’ve never been confronted with that question. Like, “Oh, yeah. What’s the circumference of your vagina hole? Is that– Do you have a big hole? Or is it a smaller?” And then everyone in the locker room kind of turns to see my answer. And I’m like, “How about, do you have something in a gaping? How about that? Gaping days? Is that? Just something that could plug a small hole in a Kayak. Is that in your Louis Vuitton?”

This one’s just for the ladies. Ladies, remember how we were raised with the illusion of equality, right? That was our Santa Claus, right? Wasn’t that funny? Oh. When we were little girls, they were like, [nagging voice] “You can do anything.” And we were like, “Yayy!” And then we got older and they were like, “Psyche!” And we were like, “You guys, you got us again. This sucks. This sucks.”

I think something that we can do is to just– if your mother raised these boys to be a little nicer at a young age, I really think that’s a good idea. Let’s think about it. When you’re a little girl, a little boy is men to you or he teases you. What does everyone say? “He likes you.” Right? And you’re like, “Okay, great.” You’re like, “He knocked my books out of my hands.” “Valentine.” “He pushed me on the floor.” “You’re going to prom.” Okay, great.

You guys are such a great crowd. I really hope, if you haven’t already, you see my film “I Feel Pretty.” [cheers and applause] Thank you. I’m so proud of it. But, if you see it, bring tissues… coz you’re gonna want to masturbate. I look so good in this movie.

You’re such a great crowd. We’ve got a great show tonight. Kacey Musgraves is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Hot for Teacher

Miss Daywart… Amy Schumer

Ricky… Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Mom… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Hot for Teacher 8 video bumper] [Cut to Miss Daywart sitting on teacher’s desk in the class]

Miss Daywart: Okay class, that’s all the algebra. Any questions? No? Okay, make sure you study hard this weekend. You’re dismissed.

[The students stand and leave]

But not you, Ricky. You stay. You’re in hot water.

Ricky: Oh, no. Me?

Miss Daywart: Ricky, you failed the test. I can’t believe that stunt you pulled yesterday.

[Ricky stands ]

You need to be taught a lesson. You’re suspended!

Ricky: No, please teacher. I can’t get kicked out of school. I guess I just have an attitude problem.

Miss Daywart: So, you’re saying you wanna do me for better grades? Is that right?

Ricky: I guess I’m gonna have to. School’s too hard for me.

Miss Daywart: And it’s about to get even harder.

[Miss Daywart pulls Ricky and puts him on the teacher’s desk and start touching each other.]

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Miss Daywart. Um, sorry. I know school’s over but I was wondering if we could go over today’s lesson. I’m really struggling.

Miss Daywart: What?

Aidy: Well, in the blackboard it says that we have big test tomorrow. But like, you never mentioned what was on it and I really want to ace it Miss Daywart.

Miss Daywart: Right now, I can’t teach you that. All I can do is teach this bad boy that he can’t get off so easy.

Aidy: Oh, sorry. You’re busy. I guess I’ll just… I’ll study everything. Well, thanks Miss Daywart. You’re my favorite teacher. Bye Miss Daywart. Bye Ricky.

Miss Daywart: Bye.

Ricky: Bye.

[Aidy walks out.] [Cut to Miss Daywart and Ricky]

Miss Daywart: Now Ricky, you’re still in big trouble after that stunt you pulled yesterday. What am I gonna do with you?

Ricky: I have one idea. [Ricky opens his jacket]

Miss Daywart: Ah! I like a look of that. Now let’s get you ready for an oral exam.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Miss Daywart. I wasn’t all the way gone yet and I heard you mention an oral exam?

Miss Daywart: What?

Aidy: Like, is that for everyone? Coz honestly, I’m really not good on my feet. Plus, it’s math so I’d really like to be able to like, work out the problem on paper.

Miss Daywart: Well, the oral exam is for Ricky only, coz he was bad.

Aidy: Whao! Ricky, two tests? That sucks. If you wanna come over later, I can help you study.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, that’s my dad calling. I think he’s trying to pick me up. Bye Miss Daywart. Bye Ricky.

Miss Daywart: Bye.

Ricky: Bye.

[Aidy walks out.] [Cut to Miss Daywart and Ricky]

Miss Daywart: Ricky, if you are long and hard, you can be the big old dick-torian.

Ricky: I would need your help

Miss Daywart: That’s fine. I’m very hands on teacher.

Ricky: Yeah, you are.

Miss Daywart: Yeah, I am.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again speaking on the phone]

Aidy: Wait, dad? I can’t just walk home. It’s 9 miles on the highway. Okay, I’ll ask. [hangs up the phone] Hey, Ricky, could you maybe give me a ride home? My dad’s stuck at work.

Miss Daywart: He can’t. He is in hot water. Coz he got 68 in his last test. Now I’m gonna show him how to get a 69.

Aidy: Okay, but that’s still a D+.

Miss Daywart: I love Ds.

Aidy: Okay, you’re the teacher. You know, I wanna be a teacher someday, just like you. How did you get this job?

Miss Daywart: I moved to Hollywood when I was 14 and got tricked.

Aidy: That’s so cool.

[Mom walks in]

Mom: There you are. Hi sweetheart. I’m so sorry your dad couldn’t pick you up.

Aidy: That’s okay, mom. this is my algebra teacher I was telling you about.

Mom: Oh my god, Miss Daywart, it is so nice to meet you. Now, I love you black bra. Where did you get that?

Miss Daywart: They just gave it to me and I think I have to give it back if it’s salvageable.

Mom: That is so nice. You know, I was worried about sending my daughter to this new school because it’s just an office building. But she really likes it.

Aidy: Yeah.

Miss Daywart: Well, I like to discipline bad boys and I like to ride them hard.

Mom: That is great. You know, that’s how they’re gonna get into the good colleges.

Miss Daywart: Oh, Ricky’s about to go to FU.

Mom: Fordham University? I went there. Go Rams.

Miss Daywart: Get rammed!

Aidy: Okay, mom. Let’s go. Bye Miss Daywart. Bye Ricky.

[Cut to Aidy and Mom]

Mom: You know, that Ricky is cute.

Aidy: Well, from far away he’s okay, but up close he’s pretty busted.

[Aidy and Mom leave] [Cut to Miss Daywart and Ricky]

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[The End]

Hands Free Selfie Stick

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Venessa Bayer

Amy Schumer

[Starts with Aidy taking a selfie in Time Square city street.]

Aidy: We’ve all been there. It’s your first trip to New York city and you got your perfect Time Square selfie all lined up. And your big melon takes up the whole photo. Fail! What to do?

[Cut to Kyle walking in a park with his phone attached to a selfie-stick.]

Kyle: I’ll tell you what. You need the original selfie-stick.

[Cut to Aidy taking a group selfie using a selfie-stick]

Aidy: Get in here, you guys.

[Other three people join Kyle as well.]

Aidy: This thing is great, but my arm’s getting really tired and I wish I didn’t have to hold it up the whole time.

[Cut to Venessa in the park]

Venessa: Got you covered, girlfriend. Take a gander at the new hands-free selfie-stick.

[Cut to Kyle setting up the hands-free selfie-stick on Aidy.]

Aidy: Hands-free?

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: That’s right. With this, you won’t have to hold it at all.

Aidy: Awesome.

[Aidy turns around. The hands-free selfie-stick is stuck into Aidy’s butt hole at the back and comes all the way to the front over her head.]

Venessa: Now, you’re in total control.

Aidy: It’s really, really up in my bott.

Kyle: It sure is!

Venessa: Try it!

[Cut to Kyle walking around using the hands-free selfie-stick.

Female voice: Using it is easy. When you want to take a picture, just cling.

[cut to Amy walking with a hands-free selfie-stick on]

Amy: I love it. I never leave home without it.

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: Smile.

Amy: Why?

Venessa: So you’ll look cute in the picture.

Amy: It takes pictures? How? [Amy clings]Oh, that’s how.

[Cut to Aidy and Amy taking selfies using hands-free selfie-stick.] [Cut to Aidy, Kyle, Venessa and Amy with the hands-free selfie-stick on]

Venessa: Free up your creativity, with the original hands-free selfie-stick.

Kyle: it’s the best.

Amy: I can barely feel it anymore

Aidy: Smile!

Female voice: The hands-free selfie-stick!


Amy Schumer

Kenan Thomspon

Jay Pharoah

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Amy waiting for someone in a restaurant]

Female voice: Whatever you’re waiting for

[Cut to Kenan and Jay sitting together and reading a book]

Whatever you face.

[Cut to Beck staying late at office] [Cut to Kyle looking around alone in the party]

Whatever you’re looking for.

[Cut to Bobby and Venessa in a taxi. Venessa is pregnant.]

There are things that we share.

[Cut to Amy. Taran arrives and gives Amy a present and sits next to her.]


[Cut to Kenan and Jay]


[Cut to Beck. Aidy is comforting Beck]


[Cut to Kyle. He walks up to Sasheer and talks to her]

Kyle: Hey.

Sasheer: Hey.

[Cut to Kate running]

Female voice: A sense of purpose.

[Cut to a taxi parking at the hospital. Bobby is getting Venessa out.] [Cut to Amy opening her present. There’s a gun inside.]

And also, guns.

Taran: You like it?

Amy: I love it.

[Cut to Kenan and Jay. Kenan has a gun in his hand.]

Female voice: Guns are there.

[Cut to Kate running with a gun.]

In lighter moments,

[Cut to Venessa getting out of the taxi with a big fun]

and big ones. When things fall apart.

[Cut to Beck and Aidy. Beck has his gun disassembled.]

Or it comes all together.

[Cut to a gun rotating on a table. As it stops Kyle and Sasheer kiss.] [Cut to Kenan and Jay]

They unite us.

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Comfort us.

[Bobby is pushing Venessa on a wheelchair while Venessa is pointing a big gun at the hospital counter.]

Bring us joy.

[Aidy assembles Beck’s gun and they hug out.]

And strength.

[Cut to Kate running and shooting at sky.]

From first loves,

[Cut to Kyle and Sasheer shooting guns at a shooting star]

to new beginnings,

[Cut to Venessa holding a baby and Bobby is handing a small gun to the baby.]

wherever life takes you.

[Cut to Amy and Taran sleeping. Amy has a gun gun in her hand.]

Guns, we’re here to stay.

City Council Meeting

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney

Gary Lumus… Kenan Thompson

Baby… Amy Schumer

Caren… Leslie Jones

Rick… Pete Davidson

[Starts with City Council Meeting]

Bobby: Alright. Motion to put a stop sign on Walnut Avenue passes.

Cecily: And we now begin the Baker’s Field citizens forum and invite members of the community to the podium.

[Cut to Jan walking to the podium]

Jan: My name is Jan Krang.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Ms. Krang. Can you pull back from the microphone?

Jan: No! [Cut to Jan] I cannot. My grievance is with the teens who loiter in the Zappy’s lazer tag parking lot at night. They do wheelie, they smoke e-cigarettes, they dry hump in their cars. Now, I know they’re doing it because I can hear the sound of the denim on the denim.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Have you contacted Zappy’s management?

[Cut to Jan]

Jan: Hundreds of times. And they have blocked my number. Now, all in favor of having Zappy’s parking lot bull-do say, “Yes, yes!”

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Um, Ms. Krang, we’re not voting on that. I suggest you file a formal noise complaint with the sheriff’s department.

[Cut to Jan]

Jan: Jan Krang, J-A-N K-rang.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yea, we have your name. Thank you miss Krang. Yess, hello sir.

[cut to the podium. Jan leaves and MC Strategy walks to it.]

MC Strategy: [speaking with an accent] Hello, my name is MC Strategy of the Mythic Insight’s crew. I recently moved here from Holland because of the underground hip-hop community here. I want to make sure that musical act you fired for the fall carnival is not mainstream making cream, all about the money, fake MCs with store bought flows. May I suggest MC Strategy performs. The realist MC.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: The city events committee handles  the fall carnival. You can contact them through the city’s website.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: Thank you for being part of the movement. Real hip-hop.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yes. You’re very welcome. Yes, the man in the Halloween themed tie.

[Cut to Gary. He’swearing Halloween tie and his jacket has a pumpkin on it’s right patch.]

Gary: Well, that’s me, scary Gary Lumus. As you know, the 31st of this month is all hallow’s eve where goons and goblins take to the streets for the spookiest nights. My question is, may I shut down 10 city blocks near my home for the march of 10 frights?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: What is the march of 10 frights?

[Cut to Gary]

Gary: A goolish parade of 400 freaky friends, ghosties, mummies, pumpkin people, and a host of haunts all armed with ooze cannons marches through the streets, singing a goolish chorus. It will truly be a fright… [Gary shows his hands. They’re hugs green and best like.] to remember. Monster hands!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Yes, I see that. I’m sorry Mr. Lumus but we cannot close major streets for private events. Thank you. Yes, hello, the little girl. Hi there.

[Cut to Baby.]

Baby: Hello. My name is Amy Berry Willer Schumer and I’m this many years old. [showing six fingers] Praise our lord Jesus Christ. He’s the best.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Aren’t you adorable. Do you have a question for us?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes, babe. I was wondering if you could make recess longer at school.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Aw! I think that’s up to your school, sweetheart. Anything else?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes! I wanna be allowed to bring my firearm to school.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: You own a gun?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes, sir. A bunch. A very pro life. Also, could we make bible class to Jesus’s teacher. Also, could you pass a federal mandate to ban all gay marriage? It’s not natural. It’s not natural.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Okay. Okay. You’re freaking me out, so we’re gonna move on. Um, yes, hello ma’am. You.

[Cut to Caren on the podium]

Caren: Hello. Okay, you can do this Caren. My name is Caren and I’m an alcoholic.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Oh, you know what? This isn’t– that’s not what this is.

[Cut to Caren]

Caren: Please don’t interrupt me. This is difficult for me. I’ve been sober now for 20 minutes. I decided to seek help because I was drinking on a job which was affecting my performance as a school bus driver.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Ma’am. This is not an alcoholic synonymous meeting. They meet here  on Wednesday nights.

[Cut to Caren]

Caren: For real? Man, I thought this was Wednesday.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, someone find out what school she works in. Alright, hello there, young man.

[Cut to Rick on the podium]

Rick: Wad up? I’m Rick. Um, you guys see Bieber’s dong?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Did.. Did.. Did we see Justin Bieber’s dong?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was… It was alright, right?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily. Bobby is nodding his head and smiling]

Bobby: Yeah. I thought it was pretty good.

Cecily: I’m sorry. Do you have a question that pertains to a city related issue?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: No. I do not. Peace!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Great! Well, that concludes the citizen’s forum. After party at Zappy’s guys? I think that would be a great idea.

[The End]

Baby Shower

Sasheer Zamata

Teresa .. Venessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Jessie… Amy Schumer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ladies having a Baby shower]

Sasheer: How far long are you, Teresa ? You look like your’e about to pop.

Teresa: Ah, we think two months. We haven’t been keeping count.

Sasheer: What?

Teresa: We don’t really know how it works and we don’t believe in doctors. We’re just kind of winging it.

Sasheer: Cool.

[Aidy walks n]

Aidy: Okay, everybody. Let’s get this baby shower started.

[All the ladies sit down]

So I’ve got paper and pen so we can play some fun shower games.

[Jessie walks in]

Jessie: Okay, so fun. Where should I sit? I know I’m not invited. I don’t wanna make, like, everybody annoyed.

[Jessie takes a seat in between Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: She can sit next to me, right? She’s my best friend. It’s okay that I brought Jessie, right?

[Cut to Teresa]

Teresa: Yeah, I guess I didn’t say not to do it. So…

[Cut to everybody]

Jessie: Oh, okay. Good. I just like, don’t wanna take away your day or whatever.

[Cut to Aidy and Sasheer]

Aidy: So, how do you two know each other?

[cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, she bartends at the bar I spend all my nights in.

Jessie: Yeah. We became best friends.

Cecily: Yeah, Jessie totally has my back.

Jessie: Coz she used to order like, rail vodka and I was like, “Oh, Absolute.” Hello, right?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Well, why don’t you start opening your gifts?

[Cut to everybody]

Teresa: Okay, alright. [picks up a present] Oh, the wrapping is so cute.

Cecily: Wait, wait, wait. I wanna take a picture. Let me get my purse.

[Cecily walks away to get her purse] [Teresa is opening the present]

Jessie: Wait! Hold on! She’s getting her purse.
[Cecily walks back]

Cecily: Jessie, my purse is gone.

Jessie: What? What do you mean? Like, your purse is like, completely gone?

Cecily: Yeah.

Jessie: Okay, so someone took it.

Cecily: What? I don’t know.

Kate: No, no. I’m sure no one took it.

Jessie: No, if it’s not there then yes, someone took it.

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: Can she open her present now?

Cecily: Did someone took my purse?

[Cut to Kate, Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: No, someone took it. You don’t move a purse. You take it.

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: What?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: You guys, everything is fine. I’m not mad. Just please tell me where it is.

Jessie: And then, maybe explain why you took it because like, she deserves answers?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I’m sure it’s here somewhere.

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: Then where is it?

Jessie: Okay, don’t freak out. Nobody is leaving here. And if it turns out that one of them took it, they will pay.

[Cut to everybody]

Does that sound okay with everybody? Is that cool?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: No one took your purse.

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: Okay, can someone write down that she just said that in case we need it?

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: I just want my purse.

Kate: It’s here somewhere. I know it’s here.

[Jessie stares at Kate furiously]

Aidy: You know what? Let’s just play a baby shower game and have some fun.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Fine! I’ll shut the hell up.

Jessie: No, like, your friends are ridiculous right now.

Aidy: Okay, so everybody take a marker and write down a baby name. And then, Teresa has to guess who wrote what name.

[Everybody takes a paper and writes on it] [Cut to Teresa]

Teresa: This is fun. This will be great.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Okay, Teresa, pick one.

Teresa: Okay. Okay.

[Cut to Teresa]

First name is… [picks up a paper] did you take my purse. Are you serious?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: Yes, answer the question.

Cecily: [sobbing] Guys, please, my purse has everything in it. Just give me my purse.

Jessie: What was in there, sweetie? Tell them what’s in your purse?

Cecily: My parent’s address and information. My passport and I’m going to Mexico in a month. My UTI medics and my heart burn pills.

Jessie: No, keep going. Tell them what they took from you.

Cecily: My phone charger and my sunglasses and my norse.

Jessie: Your norse? Wait, they took your norse?

Cecily: Yes, they took it all and everything else.

[Cut to everybody]

Jessie: You know what? I can’t stand it. [Jessie throws everything on the table away] God damn, you people! Everybody get up!

[Everybody gets up]

Get up, I don’t care if you’re pregnant. Get up!

[Jessie starts throwing stuffs here and there]

Teresa: What are you doing?

Jessie: Look, I don’t care if you guys like me. I’m never gonna see any of you again. I don’t care if you think I’m a bitch coz I wont’ see you unless you come into my bar. And if you come in and you don’t tip 20%, guess what? Your ass is getting kicked out.

Sasheer: Wait, is that your purse right under where your friend was sitting?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily looking at the purse]

Jessie: Oh, my god. Check it. Is that your purse?

Cecily: Ah! This is it.

Jessie: Wait! Make sure everything’s in it, because if even one thing’s missing, I’m calling the police.

Cecily: It’s all here.

Jessie: God! Okay, so you guys clean up. I’m gonna use the upstairs bathroom and let’s get this shower back on track!

Cecily: Woo-hoo!

[The End]

Amy Schumer Monologue

Amy Schumer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Schumer.

[Amy Schumer walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Amy Schumer: Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Thank you. [takes a mic] Oh, my gosh. I am so happy to be here. I’m hosting Saturday Night Live.

[cheers and applause]

This is such a dream come true. I’m from New York. And some of you might know me from my TV show Inside Amy Schumer or my movie Trainwreck. I have an HBO special coming out a week from tonight. And people keep asking me, they say, “Amy, isn’t it exciting time for women in Hollywood? Is it? Isn’t it an exciting time for women?” And I’m like, “No.” The girl who played me as a little girl in Trainwreck, she is 9 years old. Her name is Devin. And she came up to me and at the premiere and she said, “I overheard my agent tell my mom that my cheeks are too big so I don’t get a lot of work.” But then I thought, well my cheeks made me look like you and I’m so grateful I have these cheeks. And so, I just kind of leaned down and I just said, “You know, [yelling angrily] but what does that mean, Devin? My cheeks are fine, Devin!” No. I was like, crying. I was like, [sobbing] “You’re gonna work forever.” But, we have to be a role model for these little girls coz who do they have? All they have literally is the Kardashians. And she doesn’t have a Malala poster in her room. Trust me. And is that a great message for little girls, the whole family of women who take the faces they were born with as like, a light suggestion. Is that right? No! And, we used to have Khloe. You know? Khloe was our’s, right? Whenever it’s a group of women, you identify with one of them, right? Like, with Sex and the City, you’d be like, “Oh, you know, I’m such a Samantha.” Right? If somebody’s like, “You’re more like a Miranda.” You’re allowed to be like, “Why don’t you kill yourself? Somebody name after rights.” But then Khloe, she has lost half her body weight. Like, Khloe just, she lost a Kendall. And we have nothing. I want good role model. I have an 18 month old niece and we’ve the exact same body. And I just gave her a bath. I’ve never given a baby a bath before. And so, I’m giving her bath and I’m washing her hair. She kind of has like, you know babies have male pattern baldness kind of. She looks like Benjamin Franklin right now. So, I’m just like, washing her little hair and then it occurred to me like, “Oh, I have to wash her butt hole and her vagina.” I hadn’t thought about that. It just kind of weird me out. I’m like, “You can do this Schumer.” You know? So I put Jessica Alba’s soap on my hand. Coz, you don’t want to support Jessica Alba coz she’s too pretty but it’s like, awesome soap it turns out. And I washed her butt hole. I didn’t go nuts. I washed it as if I was washing my own butt hole if I knew I wasn’t hooking up with anybody. You know? Like, I got to it. Sometimes you’re dating a guy and you have to like… you know. And then her vagina, I just… like a Tinder swipe. Just like a boop! Quick!

She’s got some good role models. I just met Hillary Clinton and yes, I was pretty psyched about that. [light cheers and applause] A little discouraging, your round of applause. But, I was like, “Oh, my god. I have to ask her a question.” I had a couple of minutes with her. So I was like, “Do you drink?” And she’s like, “Yeah, I do but it’s hard coz I’m busy.” And I’m like, “Me too. I get it.” And I’m like, “What do you drink?” And she was like, “Oh, vodka and beer and wine.” And I’m like, “What about tequila?” And she’s like, “Ah, I don’t really like tequila. I only drink it when my friends make me.” I’m like, “Make you? Who is hazing Hillary Clinton?” Like a rail shot of this tequila. “Take this shot you bitch!” Who is doing that?

I’ve been meeting all these famous people. I met Bradley Cooper. I get it. Some of the girls here are like, “He doesn’t do it for me.” I get it and you have a golden vagina and I celebrate you. But, he’s a kind of hot. Trust me when he’s front of you, you would just grab your ankles. You wouldn’t even mean to. You wouldn’t know what happened. You would say things you didn’t mean like, “Many holes fine.” Like you would just– That’s the kind of hot Bradley is. And so, I saw him at this event and I walked over and I was like, “Hey Bradley, good to see you. Sorry, I always shout your name.” Coz, he has a hearing loss I think from sniping. My sister thinks its funny for me to creep up on him and be like, [yelling] “Bradley.” She just likes it, so I do it. And so, I was like, “Okay, have a good night.” And he is like, “Oh, wait. Hang up.” And I was like, “Me?” I was like, “Well, I’m trash from Long Island. Why would you… I have a lower back tattoo.” He’s like, “No, sit.” And we keep talking and talking, and I keep giving him in and out like, “Alright.” And he’s like, “Hang out. How’s your sister?” I’m like, “You remember I have a sister?” People were like, “Bradley, let’s get a drink.” He’s like, “I’m talking to Amy. I’ll get–” That’s now how we talked. But you know what I’m saying. Three minutes I’m talking to him. And then the event started and I was like, “Okay, see you later.” And I walked away and I was like, “Am I dating Bradley Cooper?” I don’t know how Hollywood works but I’m pretty sure that I’m dating Bradley Cooper. And I changed my Facebook status. Probably it’s not complicated. I’m engaged to Bradley Cooper. And I was like, “It is an exciting time for women in Hollywood. It really is.”

Some of you may have heard, I got hacked. You definitely didn’t hear because they didn’t find anything they wanted. It was equal to someone breaking into your apartment being like, “No, we’re good. Later.” And so, the security guy, he was like, “We can re-trace their steps and see what they’ve had.” And was like, “Okay.” And I knew it was a naked picture. I’m 34, I haven’t taken a naked picture of myself in a long time because under this you can’t really tell but it just looks like a lava lamp. Things are just kind of like, moving around, not really finding a home. So, I was like, “What did they look at?” He’s like, “They looked at what you google. Do you wanna know what you google the most?” I was like, “I don’t know. Is it me?” He was like, “No. By far what you google the most is ‘Can I drink on these antibiotics?’, and ‘Do these antibiotics make my birth control worthless?'” So, I’m trash.

We’ve got a great show for you. The Weeknd is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Air Plane Performance

Becca… Amy Schumer

Carla… Venessa Bayer

Mark… Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of DELTA airlines flying]

Becca: Okay folks. [Cut to inside the plane.] We’ve reached our cruising altitude but when seated, we ask that you keep your seat belt fastened. In a moment, we’ll begin our complimentary beverage and snacks service.

Carla: Our recent survey in Delta magazine placed Delta as the third most fun airline and that is something to sing about.

Becca: Hit the jam, DJ.

[music playing]

Carla: [singing] Tell em’ what they want, what they really, really want

Becca: I’ll tell what they want, what they really, really want

Carla: They wanna, they wanna, they wanna, they wanna

Becca: What they really, really, really want is to have a nice flight.

Carla: If you’re feeling hungry, we’ve got great snacks

Becca: If you wanna buy a headset, we’ll be coming right back
So tell em’ what they want, what they really, really want

Carla: I’ll tell what they want, what they really, really want

[As Carla dances while singing, she mistakenly opens the airplane door and gets sucked out.] [Everybody in the plane are screaming.] [Mark comes in, screams and goes back.] [Carla is still hanging by the airplane door] [Becca pulls Carla in and closes the door] [Carla is horrified]

Becca: Are you okay? Oh, my god!

Carla: I swallowed so much air.

Becca: Oh, my god. Sit down. Oh, my god.

Carla: I’m fine. I’m fine.

Becca: Carla, you were just outside the plane. What do you need?

Carla: All I need is to finish the announcement song that we worked so hard on in my garage. Folks, as you can see I am fine. So, on with the jam.

[music playing]

So, here’s the story from us to you
to have a great flight, you gotta know your flight crew
you got Becca up front, she’s the best
Mark in the back,
[yelling] I was outside the plane.

[Becca takes the microphone from Carla]

Becca: Turn the music off, Mark. Mark!

[music stops]

Carla: I was out there and then I was in the sky. And then I saw myself as a little girl.

[Mark walks in]

Mark: Carla, Carla, are you okay?

Carla: Get away, Mark!

Becca: You did nothing, useless Mark.

Carla: Mark!

Becca: Mark!

Carla: Mark!

[Becca picks up the mic]

Becca: Ladies and gentlemen, Mark did nothing. And also, please do not be afraid of using the forward restroom because of the door. It is secure now. It is locked. [Becca walks to the door] As you can see, you can knock on it. You can lean on it like, “Hello fella, how you’re doing?”

[When Becca leans on the door, it opens and Becca falls off this time.]

Carla: Oh, my god!

[Carla runs to get Becca. Becca is hanging on the door.] [Mark just comes in, screams and goes back.] [Carla pushes Becca away on her head and closes the door.] [Carla picks up the mic]

Carla: Um, I couldn’t pull her, okay? The passengers have to come first. So, you all saw there was nothing I could do.

[Cut to Kenan sitting in the plane. Becca is looking through the window by Kenan’s side.]

Kenan: Ma’am, that woman is right there holding on real hard.

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Go to the door. Go to the door. Okay folks, everything’s going to be fine. And because it is inconvenience, you can all watch San Andres for free. So, anyway, you guys pretty pumped to go Milwaukee?

[Cut to Becca looking through the door window]

Okay, okay. Here we go. Hold on one sec.

[Carla walks to the door and opens it and pulls Becca in] [Becca is making noise]

Becca: Carla! Oh, my god, was I out there for a full year?

Carla: I closed the door on you.

Becca: I know. Shut up, Carla. We’ll deal with it later.

Carla: I left you out there.


[Mark walks in]

Mark: Ladies, ladies, both of you sit down. Please, please. I’ve got this. Please, both of you.

[Becca and Carla sit down]

Just rest.

[Mark grabs the mic]

Folks, I am so sorry about all of this. What do you say we get this flight back on track? Huh? And speaking of track, hit it.

[music playing] [singing] I’m giving you everything

[Cut to Becca, Carla and Kenan sitting together. They are loving Mark’s performance.]

all the drinks you need

[The End]

Abraham Lincoln Reenactment

Kenan Thompson

Amy Schumer

Taran Killam

Jerry … Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Ford’s Theatre]

Kenan: Alright, we’ll bringing first two in a moment.

[Cut to inside the theatre. Kenan is speaking to Amy and Taran. Jerry is standing behind them.]

Thanks for filling in the day. Our regular Mary Todd is sick.

Amy: It’s exciting.

Taran: You’re gonna be fantastic. It’s a pretty simple reenactment. Just you and I pretend to watch the play, I say few lines, then Jerry comes, John Wilkes Booth, shoots me, you cry, we bow, that’s it. Alright, any questions?

Amy: Looking forward to hit the boards with you, man.

Taran: You’re gonna be great. Okay. Oh! Here comes the first tour.

[Jerry walks out the door.]

Amy: Okay.

[The audience walk in from the other door]

Kenan: Alright ladies and gentlemen. This is the very same box in which Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln sat on that faithful night of April 14th, 1865. Let’s now be transported. Back into time.

[piano playing] [Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: Mary, I’m glad you convinced me to come to the theater tonight. We’ve won the war and I can finally enjoy a night out with my wife.

Amy: Yeah, I don’t know about that Ab. I got a bad feeling about this.

Taran: Ah! Well, let’s just enjoy the play.

Amy: No, you know me Ab, gotta trust my gut. something about this place gives me the creeps.

[Jerry walks in from the door behind them and points a gun at Taran]

Jerry: I’m sick of this.

Taran: [scared] Ah!

Amy: I knew it!

[Amy punches Jerry on his face]

Jerry: Ou!

Amy: I don’t think so boo!

Jerry: What the hell?

Amy: You see that everybody. This guy is trying to come in here and blow my husband’s head off and have sex with me.

Jerry: No. No I did not.

Amy: And that’s how it happened, folks.

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking at Amy furiously]

Alright, have a great rest of the day in DC. [Cut to everybody] America’s only capital.

[Kenan opens the door and the audience walk out.] [Cut to Amy and Taran]

Oh, that was fun. You weren’t half bad yourself.

[Amy pinches Taran]

Taran: Ah! What were you doing?

Amy: Um, spicing it up a little bit. Something I learned on the BK set.

Taran: The BK set?

Amy: Oh, they didn’t tell you? That’s weird. Yeah, I’m fresh out filming the Burger King commercial for those like, black burgers that are making everybody crap green. I had a ton of ad libs.

Taran: Okay, well just don’t do any of that for the next tour.

Amy: Ya, ya, Lincoln.

[Kenan walks in with another group of audience]

Kenan: Alright, ladies and gentlemen. Let us now be transported back into time.

[piano playing] [Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: Mary, for the first time in a long time, I feel it peace.

Amy: I wouldn’t get too comfortable there. Just saw John Wilkes Booth and he looked a little off.

Taran: Well, I’m sure it’s fine.

Amy: Well, tell that to my gut Lincoln.

[Jerry walks in from the door behind them and points a gun at Taran]

Jerry: I’m sick of this.

Amy: I knew it. Duck Lincoln.

[Amy punches Taran on his face again]

Ha-ha. Missed him, pecker head! You may be a great actor but you’re never gonna blow my husband’s brain out just to get in my pants.

[looks at the audience]

What do we say folks? [clapping] Huh?

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking at Amy furiously] [Cut to Amy, Taran and Jerry]

Alright. Y’all have a great day in DC. Now, get out of here and never come back. Ha-ha-ha.

[The audiences leave]

I never said this, but you suck at ad libs.

Jerry: We’re not supposed to ad lib.

Amy: Alright, well when I was on the BK set, all I was supposed to do was bite into a hamburger and go, “Umm.” But instead, I look straight into the camera and I said, “That’s a great black Halloween burger.” And I pretended I was choking to death. Everybody flipped out.

Taran: Here comes the next tour. Just please, be quiet.

Amy: Your wish is my command.

Taran: Shut up!

[Kenan comes in with another group of audiences]

Kenan: Let us now be transported to the past.

[piano playing] [Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: I’m so glad to enjoy a night at the theatre.

Amy: [standing and yelling] Booth! Show your face! I know you’re out there. You hate my husband just coz he loves blacks.

[Cut to the audiences. They are all African-American people.]

Kenan: I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Amy: Booth wants nothing more than to come in here and blow my husband’s head off and plow me, the most beautiful woman in the land. But I only plow one man and that’s Abraham Lincoln.

[Jerry walks in hopelessly]

There’s that horny little piece of crap now!

Jerry: Come on!

Amy: Let’s show him he can’t plow me. Right folks?

[Amy punches Jerry on his face again]

Jerry: Ah!

[Amy pulls off the fake mustache off of Jerry’s face]

Amy: Look at that. Just as I suspected. John Wilkes Booth, the very same son of a bitch who tried to blast my husband and plow me.

[Amy takes a cigarette out of her bra and starts pretending like she’s smoking] [Cut to Kenan and the audience looking furiously]

Just another night in DC, folks.

Kenan: Hey, you can’t smoke in here.

[Cut to Amy]

Amy: I’m not. I’m acting.

[The End]