Weekend Update A Spotted Lanternfly on Being an Invasive Species

Michael Che

Lantern Fly… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This summer in invasive species, the spotted lantern fly has spread throughout the Northeast destroying local vegetation. Experts are so concerned, they are encouraging people to kill them on site. And if you’ve seen one, you might agree. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to lantern fly]

Lantern Fly: I’m the spotted lantern fly. I don’t care what experts say I’m gonna eat your crop. Scientists are concerned about my high reproductive capacity cuz I’m a player. That’s why people come I’ll meet a player. My last goals are to lay eggs, be on Judge duty and to eat every crop. And there’s nothing stupid farmers can do to change my mind.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Wow. Well let’s bring him out. A spotted lantern fly everyone.

[Lantern Fly slides in] [cheers and applause]

Lantern Fly: Yeah, I love that crop. That’s right. Boo me. Y’all don’t even know me. Boo me haters. Y’all haters can kiss my ass, aka, my seminole secretion pouch.

Michael Che: Whoa! Lantern fly, you’re coming in a little aggressive.

Lantern Fly: Oh, I’m aggressive? I’m the one who’s doing the aggressing Michael Che? They’re telling their children to stomp me to death. What is this, Mazda Germany?

Michael Che: I think you mean Nazi German.
Lantern Fly: I don’t know what I mean. I’m a bug. I’m trying to live my life, find a mate and have 3-4000 babies.

Michael Che: That’s a lot of babies.

Lantern Fly: Hey, they hating, I’m mating. Okay? Who wouldn’t want to sit on this? Oh, yeah! No, look at that under wing. It’s given ruse. Yeah! This what look like y’all trying to stop me. Ugh! Ugh! Keep stomping. I look gorgeous dead, bitch.

Michael Che: Okay, lantern fly. What do you say to people accusing you of being an invasive species?

Lantern Fly: Invasive? Oh, my family has been in this country for generations. 80 of them.

Michael Che: And how long is that?

Lantern Fly: About four month?

Michael Che: Well, you’ve also been threatening to local vegetation.

Lantern Fly: Oh, how? Because I jump on a tree and stick my mouth on it and suck all the sap out till it’s dead? Oh, y’all got a problem with that? Oh, I’m here now bitch. Cash me outside. Sucking all your trees to dead.

Michael Che: Lantern fly, please calm down. I think people have the right to be upset. I mean people rely on the crops you’re destroying.

Lantern Fly: I don’t care. Crops knows what they did. Crops frighten me. And if I see crops, I’m sucking them on site.

Michael Che: Well, lantern fly, we got a little surprise for you. Crops is actually here tonight.

Lantern Fly: Oh, hell no!

Michael Che: Let’s bring crops out.

[Crop walks in shouting and trying to fight with Lantern Fly]

Crop: Try to suck me to death. Try! You can’t even try.

Lantern Fly: Yes I can.

Crop: Oh, you do lot of talking, but you ain’t doing a lot of sucking.

[Lantern Fly and Crop start fighting.]

Michael Che: Lantern fly, everybody.

Lantern Fly: Keep stomping, bitch. Keep stomping.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Field Correspondent Sarah Sherman Gives an SNL Studio Tour

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, we are nearing the end of the season and here to tell us what she learned and give us a tour backstage is Weekend Update field correspondent, Sarah Sherman.

[Cut to Sarah Sherman walking within the audience]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin. I’m gonna kick off the tour in our studio audience. It’s been a great show tonight with lots of great Weekend Update jokes from Michael Che specifically.

Colin Jost: Alright. Didn’t love the “specifically” there, Sarah, but Sure. Go ahead and take us backstage.

Sarah Sherman: God, so many legends have passed through these hallowed halls. Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, a bunch of crew guys you think I’m an ugly little boy? And oh my god. How cool? Here we have my clothing rack. This is where they keep my size zero pants.

Colin Jost: Yeah, those actually look like children’s pants?

Sarah Sherman: Children’s pants, sort of your area of expertise.

Colin Jost: Please, let’s not do this, okay Sarah?

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that you should be quiet.

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. All right. Well, let’s just— Can we please just keep going with your backstage tour, okay?

Sarah Sherman: And what do we have here? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Colin Jost dressing room. Or as our female interns like to call it “the Chamber of Secrets”.

[Sarah Sherman walks inside Colin’s dressing room]

Colin Jost: Okay, no. Nobody calls it that. Sarah please do not go in there.

Sarah Sherman: Too late. Folks, the scene in here is abysmal. On this mirror, Colin has put up all of his humiliating daily affirmations. “You are funny.” “You are handsome.” “You are the real king of Staten Island.” And this one just says “Reminder: Dinner tonight with Giuliani.”

Colin Jost: Sara I did not write those.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my God, Colin, what are you obsessed with me? [showing a full wall of pictures of her behind her]

Colin Jost: Those are are not mine. Those are not mine either. You clearly put those in there.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, really? What’s all this then? [she tries to show something, but it falls down accidentally. She’s looking down for it, but she can’t find it.] Aww, the thing that I threw?

[Colin Jost laughing out loud]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that was the news you were going to show, but you don’t have it.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, and what do we have here folks? It’s Colin’s famous intern kid. [Sarah Sherman pulls out a cover and inside, there’s an intern inside a pet cage.] Hello. Looks like somebody messed up a Starbucks order. Hey buddy, for next time Colin, likes his coffee with no milk, no sugar, no coffee and just vodka.

Colin Jost: Sarah, I told you. You have to stop putting interns in cages in my dressing room.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, Colin, are you collecting my underwear? Wow, I cannot believe you’re the guy I’ve been selling these to.

Colin Jost: Alright, someone please just cut her feed off.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that we have breaking news from the Update desk from my correspondent and best friend, Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a poster of Colin Jost hushing Sarah at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Thanks, Sarah. This just in. Local panties sniffer Colin Jost wants to silence Sarah Sherman in his ongoing quest to tear down Jewish women? Back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: All right. Field correspondent, Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: Love you, Colin.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Sarah Sherman: And I’m Sarah.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

An Evening with Pete

[Starts with Paul Rudd in SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: Every Christmas, we find ourselves returning to the old black and white Christmas classics. A Christmas Carol “It’s a Wonderful Life” or if you’re Pete Davidson, “Raging Bull”. On that note, here’s a piece we finished filming at 5am this morning, An evening with Pete. It’s got Pete Davidson, Mikey day, Chloe Fineman, Chris Redd, Andrew Dismukes and James Austin Johnson, and Colin Jost… sort of.

[Cut to Pete Davidson in his dressing room talking to himself]

Pete: Alright, Pete. You still got it baby. You’re the champ. You could still do update with the best of them.

Andrew: [knocks the door] Five minutes Mr. Davidson.

Pete: I’ll be there in six.

[Cut to the show hall. The bartender is a robot. Colin Jost is also a robot.]

Robot Colin Jost: Good evening. I’m Colin Jost. Here with his thoughts on the state of the world is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Thank you. Thank you. As you know, I am from Staten Island. Do you guys know the difference between Gilligan’s Island and Staten Island? One’s full of a bunch of morons who are stuck there for the rest of their lives. And another one’s an old TV show.

Audience: Do Chad.

Pete: Yeah. No. Not gonna do that pal.

Audience: Come on. Just do Chad.

Pete: You can’t just do Chad. Okay? It takes two people. It’s like a whole thing.

Audience: Come on! Just do it.

Pete: Alright, fine. You want chad, I’ll do Chad. [takes a deep breath] Okay.

[audience laughing and clapping]

Robot Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

[Instrumental beat of “Slim Shady” playing]

Pete: [rapping] Hi, my name is… what?
my name is… who?
my name is… wicked wicked warn baby

[Andrew and Chloe are watching Pete]

Chloe: Who exactly is the audience for this?

Andrew: I don’t know. God, he’s sweating like a pig.

Chloe: Yeah. He eats a whole turkey before coming on stage every night.

Andrew: God.

Chris: [to Pete] Hey, boss. Some guy is outside saying he knows you. He just tried to jump the line. Says he’s the right for you or something like that.

[Chris opens the door. Eddy Corbin is freezing outside]

Eddy Corbin: Pete! Hey, it’s your old pal Eddy Corbin. I brought you a Christmas present.

Pete: I’ve never seen him before in my life.

Eddy Corbin: But Pete, we shared an office together. I wrote all your updates and your sketches for you. I stayed up all night while you were at the Knicks games.

Pete: What do you want? A medal? Get out of here, you bum! Shut the door.

Eddy Corbin: It’s okay, Pete. It’s good to see you. Just text me whatever.

[Cut to Pete on stage]

Pete: Thank you. Thank you. Next, I’d like to do a song with my dear friend, Machine Gun Kelly.

[Pete puts an urn with Machine Gun Kelly’s photo on it on the chair]

I’ll take the first verse.

[Cut to Pete at the bar sitting with James]

Pete: So there I was completely dressed as the Grinch about to get into a fight with that no neck guy from ninth grade.

James: Great. I gotta go actually.

Pete: Oh. Okay. How about you ladies? Would you like another drink?

[ladies leave too] [sad music playing. Pete is looking around at others. He’s alone. He opens the gift Eddy Corbin brought him. It’s marijuana.] [Cut to Eddy Corbin shivering out at night. Pete walks to him.]

Pete: Cold night, huh?

Eddy: Yeah. Pete?

Pete: Come on, bud. We have a lot of catching up to do.

[Cut to Pete and Eddy sitting with the others]

Pete: You guys know how I was a famous sex symbol for reasons no one could understand. This is the guy who came up with that. He told me to do that.

Chloe: Seriously? How did you come up with that?

Eddy: Well, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I jotted it down. The rest is history.

Andrew: Was it also his idea of to like cover your body in tattoos and painfully removed them one by one?

Pete: Sure.

[Cut to Pete and Eddy alone]

Pete: Listen, Eddy. I know he never got the credit he deserved. So, I want you to have this. It’s one of my Oscars.

Eddy: Oh wow. Viola Davis Lifetime Achievement Award. Pete, where did you get this?

Pete: Do you want it or not?

Eddy: Yeah. Thank you.

[Cut to Pete at the stage]

Pete: Well, folks, it’s been a great night. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. And remember, it’s not Christmas without fireworks and hot dogs.

Eddy: That’s 4th of July, Pete.

Pete: Yeah, that’s right. Anyway, we’ve come to the end of the show, which means it’s time for me to say…

[singing] goodbye for now
we’ll see each other again
we know that most always near
you know that I’ll be waiting here for you
waiting for you
Pete Davidson Show