Nail Salon

Greg… Bowen Yang

Nina… Ana de Armas

Greg: I can’t believe you talked me into coming into a nail salon.

Nina: Greg, stop. Men get their nails done all the time.

Greg: Well, I’m not like other men, Nina.

Heidi: We’re ready for you two. I love when we get couples in here. Screw those gender roles. Now what color are we gonna paint you?

Greg: I don’t know. Something low-key. Like, maybe tan or nude or nothing?

Nina: Okay, come on. Don’t do this. You promised.

Greg: Things are different now, Nina. Okay? Because as of yesterday, I’m the holder of the Guinness world record for the world’s longest fingernails.

Nina: Greg, you said you will cut them right after they measured you and gave you your certificate.

Greg: Well, I made that promise before I knew what it felt like to hold the record. Okay? I can’t cut them after one day of being famous.

Nina: I am tired of living like this, Greg. It’s embarrassing.

Greg: No. You know what would be embarrassing if I showed up to the gala, the But world famous Guinness World Record world gala with short nails.

Heidi: So the water is getting cold in the petty-

Greg: That’d be like, if the world’s tallest man showed up and he cut off his legs.

Heidi: So have we landed on a colo-

Greg: I don’t want color. I want Regina craft and yellow, ribbons of crumbling cuticles. God, no one understands me.

Nina: What about me, Greg? Where is my certificate? I deserve a Guinness World Record for wiping your butt for 12 years.

Greg: You act like I’ve never tried to wipe myself. I did once and almost die.

Nina: You promised me. You promise me you were gonna cut your nails, learn Wonderwall on the guitar and do hand stuff to me for the first time.

Greg: I never said that.

Nina: Yes, you did. I have an on voice memo.

Greg on voice memo: As soon as I get this world record, I’m gonna cut these nails, learn Wonderwall on guitar and do hand stuff to you. Now what time are you getting home? I need you to wipe me.

Greg: Oh, who am I without my nails, Nina? I should have never come to this nail salon. I should have never moved to Seattle. And I should have never married you.

Nina: Oh, okay. Well if that’s how you feel, I’m taking my ring back.

Greg: Oh, go on. Fine. Take it then. Take it. Go on. Go. Take it then. Go. Keep going. Yeah, go. Go. Go on. Go on. Now. Take it.

Nina: Okay.

Greg: I’m out of here, boo.

Nina: Greg! Greg!

Heidi: So there is a cancellation fee.

[Greg is running fast in the jungle. Chloe comes to him]

Chloe:I know what you are.

Greg: Say it out loud. Say it.

Chloe: That guy from the Guinness Book of World Records with the world’s longest fingernails.

Greg: Are you afraid? Are you not? Oh no, you cracked my fingernail. Oh, now these look gross.

Nina: I can’t believe he left for real.

Heidi: Oh, don’t worry, Mama. I see this all the time. Men just need an identity. If it’s meant to be, he’ll come back.

Greg: I’m back. And I cut my nails. And you know what that means?

Nina: You wiped your butt.

Greg: Hand stuff.

Heidi: Whoo! Screw those gender roles.

Matt Schatt Game Show

Ted Connelly… Kenan Thompson

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Rob… Devon Walker

Carmen… Ana de Armas

Matt… Mikey Day

Male voice: Two teams, $1 million, here in “The Dome.”

Ted: Good evening. Good evening. I’m Ted Connelly and this is “The Dome.” Now let’s meet the teams vying for a chance at the $1 million prize. Team one, introduce yourselves.

Beth: Hi, I’m Beth and this is my brother-in-law, Rob.

Ted: Oh, proof that in laws can get along. We’re having fun. Okay. Who do we have on Team two?

Carmen: I’m Carmen and this is my husband, Matt.

Ted: All right. Carmen and her cousin Matt. Okay.

Carmen: No, no. Matt’s my husband.

Ted: I’m sorry. I have a bad ear for accents. Sounds like you say that Matt’s your husband?

Carmen: I did. We’re married.

Ted: To each other?

Matt: Yapa-roni.

Ted: Okay, so let me just- Let me just clarify what’s going on here. So you who are you, are married to he was him?

Matt: Yep, we are Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Patrick Shatt.

Ted: Your name is Matt Pat Shat?

Matt: Yes, sir. Is that okay?

Ted: Not really. Now, I gotta ask why are you on the show when you are obviously extremely wealthy?

Matt: Oh, no, I am not wealthy.

Ted: But then why is she with you?

Carmen: Isn’t it obvious?

Ted: [yelling] No. Oh man, I gotta calm down. I got to calm down. Okay, so you’re not- If you’re not rich, what do you do for a living?

Carmen: I dance with San Francisco Ballet. And Matt works in the food industry.

Ted: Also your chef?

Matt: o, I’m a taste tester at Purina dog Chow.

Carmen: He tries new dog foods to tell them if it’s too like, spicy, you know? Because the dogs can’t talk.

Ted: So, you eat dog food for money?

Matt: Someday, hopefully. It’s volunteer right now. But fingers crossed, it turns into a paid gig soon.

Ted: You eat the dog food for free? Oh my god. I can’t even believe it. I just don’t understand what’s going on. I mean, this dude obviously got the baddest bitch I’ve ever seen. What is happening. Sorry, but I just had a stroke. Okay. All right. Let’s get back to it. I’m just trying to figure out how this absolute dime is married to match it. Oh, Beth, you got an answer?

Beth: I think I do. He obviously gave her a kidney and saved her life.

Carmen: He didn’t give me a kidney.

Ted: Oh, Rob, chance to steal.

Rob: He’s a hanging 8 but a standing 12?

Carmen: What? No. And FYI, he’s hanging 5 and standing 4.

Ted: So when he gets excited, it gets smaller?

Matt: Yeah. Just one of those things.

Ted: Yeah, that’s right. I’m buzzing in on this one. Here’s what I think. She hypnotized.

Carmen: You’re all sounding crazy. Look at my husband. I think it’s obvious why I’m with him.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Ted: No. The judges say no.

Matt: Sorry. Can we play the game now? Or?

Ted: Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. I’m sorry. Matt and Carmen, you won the coin toss backstage. So the first question goes to you.

Matt: Oh my gosh, I’m so nervous. I’m like already sweating. One second. [Pulls his shirt up to wipe his sweat. He’s got multiple nipples on his body.]

Ted: Please zoom in on this. What in the heck? Matt Pat Shat got a group of nipples. Now, Look at all these. Eww.

Matt: Don’t. Yeah, every couple of years, a new one pops up. Just another one of those things.

Carmen: Baby, just put your shirt down. I’m gonna get too excited.

Ted: But why though? I don’t understand it. Let’s just take a break while I have another stroke. We’ll be back right after this. Because I don’t understand what is going on. I mean, she bad. She bad.

Lisa from Temecula Wedding

Lisa… Ego Nwodim

Shana… Punkie Johnson

Kelly… Ana de Armas

Bowen: Oh my gosh, this wedding has been unreal. Neadine is such a beautiful bride.

Molly: Chandler is one lucky guy.

Kelly: He sure is. Hey, Shana, by the way, I know it’s probably tough coming to a wedding today’s after a breakup, but I think it’s so sweet or your baby sister Lisa came all the way here to be your date. Lisa, it’s so nice to meet you.

Lisa: Yeah, that’s cute, but my box is closed tonight.

Kelly: I’m sorry, what?

Shana: Kelly girl, pay no mind to my sister. She’s such a jokester.

Michael: All right, ma’am, this is all the dressing we could find in the kitchen.

Lisa: No, why is this ranch black?

Michael: It’s balsamic.

Lisa: Balsamic? What the-

Bowen: Lisa, you really like your dressing, huh?

Kelly: Yeah, everyone else is just in the salad as served.

Lisa: Yeah. And everyone else is about to be sick. Not me. Toss my salad. You know, the more dressing you put on it, the less likely you are to get ecoli. I need to stay healthy. I got to be in court in the morning.

Kelly: Oh, you’re a lawyer?

Shana: Yes, she surely is. Lisa is the lead litigate on a class action suit against the built-a-bear.

Lisa: Um-hmm. They gave a bunch of build-a-bears to some bald kids, and I ain’t got to tell you what happened next.

Kelly: Wow, that sounds like really important work. I bet those families are grateful for your help.

Lisa: Sis, switch me seats. Your little lesbian friend is doing the most trying to get the box tonight. It ain’t happening, boo.

Kelly: I’m sorry. Do I come off flirting? Because I’m not.

Shana: No Kelly, you’re fine. Lisa, can you please chill?

Lisa: All right. Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna just sit back, relax and fix this salad. Okay? No, hold on. Oh, no. Who thought this was a good idea. Raw salmon?

Bowen: Well, it’s smoked.

Lisa: Smoked? Pink as it is, look like a fruit roll up. Uh-uhh. Cook my meat. [throws the salmon] I’m gonna mix this all up for all of us. Okay.

Kelly: Well anyways, I have to tell you guys about this embarrassing date I went on.

[Lisa is wildly mixing the salad, the table is all shaky.]

Lisa: It must be meat in the salad.

Kelly: So he and I saw a movie and ended up back at my place.

Lisa: Now, why did managers give me ranch?

Kelly: And as soon as we walk in, a mouse runs across my kitchen floor.

Lisa: Sis, you got any ranch on you?

Shana: Lisa? Just eat. Can you please just eat?

Lisa: But I need ranch.

Shana: Oh my god.

Lisa: Everybody knows lettuce is nasty without ranch.

Kelly: So now I’m worried that he saw the mouse. [All their drinks fall and gets spilled on the table.] But then he’s like, “No, no, it’s fine. We’ll just go to my place.”

Molly: Wow, what a gentleman.

Bowen: Smart man.

Shana: Come on, sis. What happened to us just chillin?

Lisa: I am chillin. I’m chillin. I’m minding- What? I’m chillin. I’m minding my business. You know, this salad gonna be all right, but I’m gonna need it to be Boston.

[Lisa stands and starts shaking the whole table while mixing the salad]

Shana: Lisa! Lisa! She’s trying to tell us a damn story.

Lisa: Yeah, I heard the girl. She said her house is dirty.

Shana: Lisa? Okay, alright. Lisa, can you please just knock it off?

Lisa: I need the leverage. I need the leverage.

Shana: I don’t need-

Lisa: What? What? Shaina? I heard the girl Carmen SandiLisa over here trying to get the box while she got ratatouille as her roommate.

[Bride walks in]

Bride: What is going on over here? A piece of salmon at my mother?

Lisa: See? Y’all see? This whole wedding is a mess. People getting hit with salmon and they put raw salmon in my salad.

Groom: Is she saying salmon?

Bride: Thank you for coming but this table is ruining our special day.

Lisa: Oh, because we gay?

Bride: No. We’re right in the middle of our first dance.

Lisa: Then why are you over here talking to me? Dance bitch. Now you’re seeing this right? There’s champagne all in the food, vegetables everywhere. That marriage is doomed.

Kelly: Lisa, I understand that you don’t want to get sick, but this is all kind of your fault.

Bowen: Yeah, you’ve been dressing that salad in a really insane way.

Shana: Hold on, hold on. I’m not about to let y’all attack my sister Lisa who came all the way out here from Temecula to be my date. Now maybe she’s a type of siste that you just can take nowhere.

Lisa: I know that’s right.

Shana: Oh no, Lisa. Maybe she’s such a bad listener, it makes you wonder is this woman hard of hearing?

Lisa: Now what you saying, I know that’s right.

Shana: When it’s all said and done, it’s my blood right here. And she better not have one dry leaf in that damn bowl.

Lisa: Toss my salad. You know what? Y’all done piss me off. I lost my appetite. I’m leaving.

Kelly: Where is she from again?

Lisa: Temecula.

Dog Acting School Commercial

Yolanda Batista… Ana de Armas

Donna Colonoscopini… Chloe Fineman

Yolanda Batista: Is your dog hot and it knows it?

Donna Colonoscopini: Has it cruised by on looks its entire life?

Yolanda Batista: Do you caught your dog looking at itself in the mirror?

Donna Colonoscopini: But it sucks in its cheeks like this? Then your jobs might be the perfect candidate for Enter Stage Woof acting school for dogs.

Yolanda Batista: Hi I’m Jolanda Batista.

Donna Colonoscopini: And I’m Donna Colonoscopini. And I semi-accredited school office acting training for canine kiddies like this. Get in here Henry. [pulls in a golden retriever] Oh boy. Now Sure, sure. Oh Henry.

Yolanda Batista: Oh, that’s-

Donna Colonoscopini: Henry is doing a little improv. Sure. Henry is the total package. Winning smile, golden logs and those big photogenic nuts.

Yolanda Batista: Good looks and everything. You know, casting directors want to see emotional range. Watch. Henry. You just found out you have worms. Show me shock. [the dog doesn’t react]

Donna Colonoscopini: Alright. Henry, you go into the vet to get clipped and they don’t mean your nails. Show me fear. [the dog doesn’t react, but a pair of artificial paws are covering its eyes] Perfect. You booked it.

Yolanda Batista: You may have seen the trailer for that movie “Strays.” None of our dogs got the job.

Donna Colonoscopini: But damn it, they got in the room. Just like Coco here. [pulls in a pug]

Yolanda Batista: Yes. Coco may not be classical beautiful, but she’s dripping in sex appeal.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, she ever? And she’ll go full nude if they pay the price.

Yolanda Batista: She’ll do it even if it’s not.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, look at those nips. Looking for a dog that can pull up romantic comedy? Then look no further than Romeo. [pulls in a dog] Yeah Romeo. It’s under contract to Disney. How? By learning our patented lady in the tramp technique. Watch. [she puts noodles in her mouth and tries to feed it to the dog] Wow. I think I’m in love.

Yolanda Batista: It’s adorable and castable.

Donna Colonoscopini: High-five Romeo. Well, he’s a regular Marlon Brando dog. Our instructors are ready to handle every aspect of your dog’s career from social media to headshots. And we can even cover up embarrassing scandals.

Yolanda Batista: Yeah, like if your dog is kinky and gets caught hooking up with a cat.

Donna Colonoscopini: Not convinced? Listen to the satisfied customer.

[Punkie walks in]

Punkie: This is my Tie. He has been taking classes here for years. In fact, you probably recognize him from the movie “Moonlight” where he was walking by on the beach during the handjob scene. That was a fun set. Thank you Dog Acting School.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, did someone say accent? Take a look at this talented Pooch.

Yolanda Batista: Biscuit, do French.

[voice over artist says something in French.]

Donna Colonoscopini: Wow, l’-woof. I think that means the bark.

Yolanda Batista: We even teach puppies like this little fella named Jelly Bean.

Donna Colonoscopini: Now, Jelly Bean just got casted a movie where he plays an alien that destroys Seattle. Let’s rehearse. Oh, Seattle. Oh, Seattle. Oh no, Seattle. Oh no. Oh no.

Yolanda Batista: Okay. Good job, Jelly Bean.

Donna Colonoscopini: Seattle more like dead. So enroll today and in no time your dog will be the next Clint Eastwood. At Enter Stage Woof, Acting School for Dogs.

American Girl Doll Movie Trailer

Molly… Molly Sherman

Kirsten… Heidi Gardner

Samantha… Chloe Fineman

Hosofina… Ana de Armas

Addy… Ego Nwodim

Kit… Molly Kearney

Male voice: People can’t stop talking about the trailer for the new Barbie movie. But not all dolls live in a dream house. Some are bigger, younger, sadder. Some dolls are American girl.

Molly: Hi Kirsten.

Kirsten: Hi Molly.

Kit: Hi Samantha.

Samantha: Hi Hosofina.

Hosofina: Hi Kit.

Addy: And I’m Addy. No one said hi to me.

Male voice: This summer, a new live action story about your favorite historically accurate dolls. Each with their own harrowing backstory.

Samantha: I’m a bitchy orphan from Victorian times. I watched my parents die in a boat.

Kirsten: That’s okay. My best friend Marta died of cholera.

Kit: That’s okay. My dad is a prisoner of war. And tragically, I have glasses.

Hosofina: That’s okay. My mama is dead. We bury her in the church graveyard.

Addy: That’s okay. I don’t know my birthday because I’m a runaway slave.


Hosofina: Let’s play.

All: Yay!

Male voice: Do they have pink Corvettes? No! Boyfriends? No way. Did all their family members die of vague old timey diseases? Absolutely.

Kit: Fashion Show!

Male voice: Come for the fun. Stay for the overburdened preteens wearing four layers of Petticoats and pantaloons.

Samantha: What’s wrong, Hosofina? You’ve barely touched your tea.

Hosofina: The memory of my Mama is slipping away.

Molly: Look what I can do. [coughs blood on tissue] [cut to Molly being covered by white sheet because she’s dead]

Kirsten: That’s okay.

All: Yeah. That’s okay.

Kirsten: Audiences are raving. “We loved it,” says girls who played soccer magazine. The New York Times write “These little girls are going through too much.”

Kirsten: What do you say girls? Should we have a sleepover tonight?

All: Yay.

Kirsten: What about you Addy?

Addy: I’m good. I don’t trust none of y’all.

Male voice: Watch as the American girls travel on a journey from American girl land to the modern world.

Kit: I’m going to stop World War II.

Hosofina: And I’m going to stop the Spanish American War.

Kirsten: And I’m going to end cholera.

[Now Kirsten coughs blood on tissue] [cut to they throw away a dead body out of a carriage]

All: That’s okay.

Album Recording Session

Young Spicy… Young Spicy Walker

Ego Nwodim

Ana De Armas

Kenan Thompson

Young Spicy: Hey what’s up y’all? My name is Young Spicy and I’m a producer I’m about to release my first album – Jalapeno Jones. Yeah, thanks for helping us out today.

Ego: How you doin?

Ana: Hey, what’s good, Spicy?

Young Spicy: So basically we just looking for a new producer tag from our beats. So someone kind of sexy and cool.

Kenan: Yeah, so for example something like –

Female voice: Mike Quilt Naden.

Kenan: Or this one…

Female: Maybach Music.

Young Spicy: We’ve heard you to some beautiful voices, so we just need you to say something like “Young Spicy so Fago”.

Ana: Yeah, we can do that.

Ego: Okay, we got you Mr. Spicy.

Kenan: All right, I’m gonna go ahead and start to beat. You two take it away and then let’s get some lunch. Take one.

Ego: Okay, yeah, we’ll give you some options.

[beat playing]

Ooh, Young Spicy got that fire.

Ana: Da-da-da-damn Young Spicy is flaming hot.

Young Spicy: Yeah, yeah, exactly like that. Yeah, keep that going.

Ego: Oh Young Spicy, you stupid.

Ana: Oh, Spicy can’t read.

Ego: Damn Spicy, you illiterate.

Young Spicy: Okay, I love it. But just FYI, I can read. I’m a reader.

Ego: Okay, we got you, we got you.

Ana: Ooh, Spicy can read but he struggles with ma-ma-ma-ma-math.

Young Spicy: Alright, let’s stop. Let’s stop.

Kenan: Wow, I think we got it man. Let’s get some lunch.

Young Spicy: No, no lunch, alright? So y’all remember the assignment, right?

Ana: Yeah, we hear you. We’re good.

Ego: Yeah, but we artists. So we just responded to the vibes.

Young Spicy: Okay, let’s do a different vibe then. Okay? Maybe let’s do something like, “Ooh Spicy, these beats nasty.”

Ego: Okay. I see you.

Ana: Okay, cool.

Ego: All right.

Kenan: Alright, cool. One more take and we are getting gyros. Yeah. Tzatziki sauce on the side. Take two.

Ana: Okay, so like- Oh Spicy, you filthy for this.

Young Spicy: Exactly. Yeah. Let’s get a couple more like that. Yeah.

Ego: Spicy, why you sleep next to your laundry?

Ana: Oh, Spices don’t wash his pillows, he’s gross. Yeah.

Ego: Damn Spicy, you got that dark ring around your toilet. I’m uncomfortable here.

Ana: Da-da-da-damn Spicy, you live like this?

Young Spicy: Alright, let’s stop. Let’s actually stop. Okay, ladies, I’m begging you. Can y’all just say something like – “Ou, the ladies love Spicy,” something like that?

Kenan: Yeah, and after this take, I’m gonna give me a little hummus with the pita bread. Take three.

Ego: Damn Spice again, everybody pregnant.

Young Spicy: Okay, we’re getting closer. We’re getting closer. I dig that. Yeah.

Ego: Ou Spicy, the baby is yours for sure.

Ana: Da-da-da-da-damn Spicy, my water broke.

Ego: Damn Spicy, I’ma name the baby Delante.

Ana: Hey Spicy, I need you to drive me to the hospital in your 2001 Co-co-co-co-Corolla.

Young Spicy: No. No. No baby stuff. No baby stuff. And leave my Corolla out of this, alright? Just do something about like, talk about like, how like, Spicy gets you hot. Something like that.

Ego: Okay. Damnm Spicy got me sweating.

Young Spicy: Yes, thank you. Yeah.

Ana: Oh, I don’t usually sweat like this, I’m scared.

Ego: Da-da-da-da-damn Spicy, why the room spinning all of a sudden?

Ana: Damn spicy, all I had was one sprite, I shouldn’t be filled like th-th-th-th-this.

Ego: Oh, I think Spicy put something in my d-d-d-d-drink.

Ana: Sp-sp-sp-sp-Spicy needs to be on the watch list.

Young Spicy: Ay, cut that track. Cut that. Cut that and delete that. Delete that actually. You know what? Actually, let’s just call it a day. I’m good.

Ego: Okay, I mean listen-

Ana: Whenever. I mean, what we gave you was flago.

Ego: Yeah, you should just use the one about the ring around your toilet for real.

Kenan: Ay Spicy, can I try one?

Young Spicy: Bro, what?

Kenan: Please?

Young Spicy: Alright.

Kenan: Yeah, Spicy got that fire.

Young Spicy: Okay, I like that here.

Kenan: Yes, Spicy got that heat.

Young Spicy: Okay.

Kenan: Despite his struggles with his reading.

Young Spicy: No.

Kenan: That’s not good? That’s not good?