Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Next week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg will testify before congress about Facebook’s alleged mishandling millions of users’ data. Here to comment, is Mark Zuckerberg.[Mark Zuckerberg slides in] [cheers and applause]
Mark Zuckerberg: Hello, Colin. Begin eye contact. [looks at Colin Jost] Two, three, and away. [looks at the camera] Nailed it.[Michael Che laughing]
Colin Jost: Wow. That was great, Mark. Thanks for being here. You know, a lot of people now are calling on you to resign from Facebook. Are you gonna step down?
Mark Zuckerberg: No way, homie. Because according to our datasets, I don’t have to and you can’t make me. But I do recognize that Facebook has mishandled our user’s private data. And tonight, I’d like to apologize to 87 million of you. One by one. I’m sorry, Ethan Cooper of Van Nuys, California for disclosing that you frequently visit your ex girlfriend’s photo album titled Cancun 2010, specially one photo for average of 2.3 minutes.
Colin Jost: See, I think that’s the kind of info people don’t want out there. Like, why would anyone–[Mark Zuckerberg pokes Colin Jost]
Mark Zuckerberg: Poke. Poke. Remember that feature? Poke. Poke. Ha-ha. It was flirting for cowards. Hey, remember? They made a movie about me. Yeah. It was called “Gladiator.” Hah! That’s a joke. Funny, huh Colin? Hah!
Colin Jost: Are you laughing or screaming?
Mark Zuckerberg: Absolutely, homie. Look, unlike my facial expression, Facebook is going to change.
Colin Jost: That’s great. So, users will be able to delete their data?
Mark Zuckerberg: Pfft, no.
Colin Jost: Not? Why not?
Mark Zuckerberg: Because it’s mine. You gave it to me. No backsies. And if you don’t like it, you can suck it. Hah! Hah! Hah! Hey, Colin, remember we were best friends at Harvard?
Colin Jost: No, we were not friends.
Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah. I remember. I was like, “I can’t steal Winklevoss’s idea.” And you were like, “Do it nerd. I dare you.”
Colin Jost: No, I did not say that.
Mark Zuckerberg: Anyway. I took your advice and now I’m rich. Dab! My point is, sure. Maybe Facebook sold out our democracy to Russian troll farms. My bad? But on the other hand, Farmville! To be honest, I feel great about Facebook’s future. I sleep easy at night upside down in my pressurized sleep egg. And sure, I still have all your photos, your memories, your unspoken thoughts and fears. But America, look me in my shark eyes when I say this, that on behalf of everyone at Facebook, I am sorry… opposite day. Hah! Hah! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Colin Jost: Mark Zuckerberg, everyone.
Mark Zuckerberg: Dab! I’m dabbing.