Kitty… Heidi Gardner
Neely… Billy Eilish
Chris Redd
Joseph…Kyle Mooney
Bowen Yang
Baby Jesus… Andrerw Dismukes
Mary… Chloe Fineman
[Starts with a rehearsal of Hip-Hop Nativity]
Kitty: Hey, hi. Is all nativity cast present?
Cast: Yes, miss Kitty.
Kitty: Right. First and only pageant rehearsal, y’all. I need you to bring your A game.
Kitty: Okay, so here’s the deal, okay guys? Times are changing. We can’t do the normal, boring pageant thing this year.
Kitty: Too old school, too Boomer. Okay? This year, we’re switching it up.
Kitty: Okay. That’s right. And lucky for you guys, Neely and I took it upon ourselves to learn all of hip-hop.
Chris: I’m sorry, you learned all of hip hop?
Kitty: Correct. And it’s gonna be a freeform hip hop, live nativity.
Kitty: Okay, so let’s get started with rehearsal. We got a lot of hip hop to teach you, okay? Now where’s our Joseph?
Joseph: : Right here, Miss Kitty.
Kitty: Okay, Joseph. So, now you’re gonna enter with a pimp walk.
Joseph: A what?
Kitty: A pimp walk. Here, Neely and I will show you. Play the tracks, sweetie.
[music playing]
[Kitty and Kitty start doing the pimp walk]
Kitty: A pimp walk, a pimp walk. A pimp walk, a pimp walk. And you’re gonna work it down here. Yeah, it’s okay. Because hip hop is low in the body.
Kitty: Y’all are up here, but hip hop is down here. Hey, the streets are in the knees, okay?
Chris: Oh, are they now?
Kitty: Yeah, coz you know what? It’s walk, and it’s walk. And it’s, “I’m Joseph. I’m a baby daddy now. So, I pimp walk. I pimp walk.” There, go, do it.
Joseph: okay, so like… [starts doing pimp walk]
Kitty: Pimp walk.
Kitty: Come on. Pimp walk.
Kitty: Pimp walk.
Kitty: Pimp walk.
Kitty: Pimp walk. Yeah. Pimp walk’s getting there. The pimp walk’s getting there. Okay. Baby, go to the corner freight so long, keep pimp walking.
Chris: Yeah. To just face the wall?
Kitty: Yeah.
Chris: Okay.
Kitty: Pimp walk.
Kitty: Where are my donkeys at?
Chris: By all means, teach me hip hop, please.
Kitty: Okay, so, you three are going to follow Joseph out. Okay, not up here, this is country music. Okay, down here, this is hip hop. And when you land I want booty booty.
Bowen: Don’t you mean ass?
Kitty: That is not funny. Watch me pop my butt, okay? Can everybody see my butt?
Kitty: Okay, can you see that? Can you see that pop? It’s a hip pop. It’s a trot, trot, hop. And you feel it in your hook. Okay? So, trot, trot, hop. Trot, trot, hop. Trot, trot, hop. And just straight donkey Christmas, hip-pop, pop, pop.
Chris: How is no one filming this?
Baby Jesus: Hey, sorry. Just throwing this out there but I’d be totally cool just doing what we practiced. You know, ditching the whole freeform Hip Hop thing.
Kitty: Oh, Baby Jesus, please. Please just focus on your twerking.
Baby Jesus: Excuse me? Twerking?
Kitty: Okay, come here. Donkeys, pop over there. Okay, baby. Are you in your diaper?
Baby Jesus: I mean, yeah.
Kitty: Drop robe. Let’s go.
[Baby Jesus opens his robe. He’s wearing a diaper.]
Kitty: Oh, Jesus, Mary and Juliana Margulies. Honey, do you not have a butt? We got to make him a butt quick.
[Kitty and Kitty bring some hays and put inside his diaper.]
Baby Jesus: Hold on. No, I don’t want to twerk. I don’t want to twerk. I’m playing a baby. Hey! Cut it out!
Kitty: We’ll make you a butt, baby.
Baby Jesus: No, I don’t need one.
Kitty: Listen, Baby Jesus can do anything now, wring it out. Go, twerk son.
[Baby Jesus starts twerking]
Kitty: Oh, wow. He can actually twerk.
Kitty: It’s a miracle. Now, where’s my Mary’s? Where’s Mary?
[Mary runs in]
Kitty: How comfortable are you on a stripper pole, sweetie?
Mary: Um. I’m not sure.
Kitty: Wrong answer.
Kitty: Alright, I’ll do it. Mary go grind on the wall. Alright, drops the beat. Get my Joseph in pimp walk.
Joseph: Best Christmas, ya’ll!
Kitty: Donkey, start popping. Oh, yes! And Baby J, shaking like a rattle.
Kitty: [dancing on the pole] Praise him. Praise Baby Jesus!
Kitty: Oh my goodness! I think we might have ourselves a Christmas show!