Weekend Update Andrew Dismukes Amazing Animals

Colin Jost

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: We here at Update sure do love animals. Dogs, cats, love those guys. Here to do his new animal segment and these amazing animals is their own Andrew Dismukes.

[Andrew Dismukes slides in. He has his face painted like a tiger.]

Andrew Dismukes: Hey! Yeah! Hey there, Colin. Rawr! I’m just goofing.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. No, I knew. Hey, Andrew, I really love the face paint.

Andrew Dismukes: Thanks.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s really cool. And I understand you also brought some animal friends with you today

Andrew Dismukes: Oh, that’s right, Colin. Animals can do some incredible stuff. And today, I brought my smartest friend Bongo, the octopus. [brings in an octopus in an aquarium]

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.

Andrew Dismukes: So, Bongo here is actually somewhat of a psychic. In fact, he’s correctly predicted the winner of the last three World Cups. And today he’ll be predicting the winner of Sunday’s game between the Packers and Bears.

Colin Jost: Wow. Very cool. So, how does it work?

Andrew Dismukes: Well, when I say go, Bongo will use his sharpie to check off which team he predicts is going to win.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well then, I guess let’s get started.

Andrew Dismukes: Alright. Are you ready Bongo? Begin. [the octopus is raising its tentacle] You know, Colin, octopus are highly intuitive. They can anticipate stressful situations and even experience complex emotions.

Colin Jost: Wow, that’s pretty cool, Andrew.

[bell rings]

Andrew Dismukes: Oh, time’s up. Okay, Bongo. What is your prediction?

[Bongo has written “You will die in 7 days” on the board]

Wait, what?

Colin Jost: Does that say you’re gonna die in seven days?

Andrew Dismukes: Bongo, what are you saying?

[Bongo has written “I’m sorry my friend. It is what I see.” on the board]

Colin Jost: I don’t think an octopus can just–

Andrew Dismukes: Shh! Shh! Shut up, Colin. Bongo. You see what man cannot. Therefore I will accept my destiny.

[Bongo has written “Farewell sweet prince” on the board]

Bongo the octopus everyone.

Colin Jost: Wow. That’s really–

Andrew Dismukes: Wasn’t that amazing, Collin?

Colin Jost: Andrew, are you okay?

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah. I just thought he was gonna pick the Packers but I guess instead I’m gonna die.

Colin Jost: Do you want to stop the segment?

Andrew Dismukes: Nah, nah, nah, I’m good. We all gotta die sometime, right? My next furry friend is one talking is pooch. It’s Taco the talking dog. [He pulls in a dog] Here he comes. Okay, taco. Let’s get Taco.

Colin Jost: There’s Taco.

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah, Taco here communicates by pushing on these buttons. He can even solve some pretty complicated–

Colin Jost: [as the dog is not getting his head above the table level]Pretty shy.

Andrew Dismukes: Yea, pretty shy. He can even solve some basic math problems.

Colin Jost: Oh, basic. Oh good, I love basics.

Andrew Dismukes: Taco, tell the people what’s four plus four?

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Are you going to die?

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah, bud. I think so. But you don’t gotta worry about that. Just tell me what’s four plus four?

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Are you scared?

Andrew Dismukes: Of course I’m scared. But Bongo says it’s gonna happen, so it’s pretty much a done deal. Taco, what’s four plus four?

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: I love you.

Andrew Dismukes: [sobbing] I love you too, Taco. For old times sake, tell me w four plus four?

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Three.

Andrew Dismukes: No, that’s not it, Taco.

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Three.

Andrew Dismukes: No. No, Taco. It’s not three, bud.

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Just messing. It’s eight.

Andrew Dismukes: You son of a bitch. You got me again.

Colin Jost: Andrew’s amazing animals, everyone.

Andrew Dismukes: I’m gonna die.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Andrew Dismukes on Great-Grandmas

Colin Jost

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: This week, a great grandmother of of three received a college degree from Samford University at the age of 78. Here to talk about his great grandmother is Andrew Dismukes.

[Andrew Dismukes slides in]

Andrew Dismukes: Hey, Colin. How are you doing?

Colin Jost: I’m good. How have you been?

Andrew Dismukes: I’ve been good. This pandemic has been crazy.

Colin Jost: Yes. I was just saying that to someone the other day. So, tell us about your great grandmother.

Andrew Dismukes: A little bit of context for anyone who hasn’t read my photoless wikipedia page, I’m from Texas. Great. Got to play the crowd. Look, I don’t ever want to seem like I’m bashing on the place that I’m from or how it’s brought up because I’m a proud Texan. I’m Texan through and through. I love Texas barbecue, I love Willie Nelson, and well into my adulthood, I thought that Frazier was British. I was telling everyone that I knew confidently that Frazier was British. And then one day someone was like, “Actually, no. He is just fancy.” It blew my mind. Anyway, I feel like Texas gets ragged on a lot just because of what it does and the laws it passes and the way it’s people are, which isn’t fair. But I’m very grateful to everyone down there who helped raise me including my great grandmother.

Colin Jost: Oh, cool. Well, I’m glad we finally arrived at the topic that you came out to discuss. That’s great, man.

Andrew Dismukes: Well, I wanted to do my Frazier joke which crushed. Good call, Andrew. Anyway, I was lucky enough to get to grow up most of my childhood while my great grandmother was still alive and getting to know her was really cool. Her name was ‘Old Maw Maw’. That’s what we called her to her face. Much to her protest. I guess we thought that ‘Maw Maw’ on its own wouldn’t properly convey how old this woman was. But every now and then, you’d have to go sit with Old Maw Maw. It wasn’t my favorite thing to do, but I do have one good memory from sitting with Old Maw Maw. She had cable. We did not have cable. So, one time Old Maw Maw and I watched the Disney channel original movie ‘Brink’. Yeah! Got some Brink-heads in the house.

Colin Jost: I cannot believe people here have seen Brink.

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah. Brink Nation is huge. You’ve seen Brink?

Colin Jost: Oh, love it. Definitely know what it is. Love it.

Andrew Dismukes: Well, for those of you who don’t know, Brink is a movie about in-line roller blading gangs who battle it out. And I watch that movie with a woman who was born in the Colin Jost800s. It made zero sense to her. She was like, “What is a Disney channel original movie?” I was like, “I don’t know! Usually it just means it’s like bad. Usually, they’re just not that great. And they’re all about how, “Ah! Middle school stuff! But also, I’m a mummy.” That’s what they’re all about.

Colin Jost: Wow. Did you really yell at your grandmother like that?

Andrew Dismukes: No. I ignored her and I think eventually she forgot I was there.

Colin Jost: Andrew Dismukes, everyone.

Weekend Update on Andrew McCabe’s Firing

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a graph at left top corner.]

This week the national unemployment rate held steady at 4% while the White House unemployment rose to all of them. [Picture changes to everybody who resigned or were fired.] The crazy thing is I’m starting to feel sorry for all these people Trump is firing even though I thought they were terrible at their jobs. I mean, six months ago, could you have imagined thinking, “Hang in there, Jeff Sessions.”

[Picture changes to Andrew McCabe]

Latest victim was former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe who was fired two days before he was set to retire on his 50th birthday so he couldn’t collect his full pension. Damn, man. That’s cold. I men even the Joker [Picture changes to the Joker from Batman] is like, “You don’t treat people like that.” I love that Trump is being extra mean to the FBI guy who is definitely going to testify against him. It’s like walking in and announcing to a whole restaurant that you’re not tipping anyone before they make your food.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex

Michael Che: President Trump fired secretary of state Rex Tillerson and replaced him with CIA director Mike Pompeo. Tillerson will return to his previous job as the eagle from ‘The Muppets.’

[Picture changes to the White House]

Insiders are saying that more major staff shakeups could be coming to the White House. Trump is firing people like he’s trying to get us under the salary cap or something. It is kind of little too late. It’s like when those Domino’s commercial say, “Ay, Domino’s, we’re making some changes.” And you’re like, “Yeah, but just still Domino’s.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that special council Robert Mueller has subpoenaed documents from the Trump organization. By the way, Trump organization is maybe the greatest oxymoron in history. Have you ever seen Trump’s desk? [Picture changes to Donald Trump working on a messy desk.] He’s just a full hoarder. Good luck finding Russian evidence under some old McDonald’s wrappers, a pile of unsigned non-disclosure agreements and macaroni father’s day card from Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Stormy Daniels has offered to return the $130,000 that she was paid so that she can release any text, photos or videos she has with Donald Trump. For what? So, this lady is trying to show us revenge porn of a grandpa and we’re just okay with that? I mean what are you expecting to see? What if it’s good? Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared? Are you prepared to see Donald Trump tear up some ass? I mean he’s 63 and dumb as rock. You don’t know what he’s working with down there.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are logos of different news channels and papers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also, by the way, can the media please stop getting us all riled up with headlines like, “Will pornstar bring down president?” “Is Mueller moving in for the kill?” Just stop teasing us if there’s no payoff. I’ll tell the media the same thing I told my high school girlfriend. I’m totally fine waiting, but you gotta stop rubbing the outside of my pants.

Football Party

Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Brandon… Dave Chappelle

Andrew… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Leslie Jones

Andrea… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with guys having a football party]

Kenan: Oh, damn! That was holding.

Pete: Yeah, call it back!

Brandon: Hell, no. That’s a touchdown, baby. Let’s go for two.

Andrew: Alright. Now we got a game on our hands.

Brandon: Yeah. You want some beers?

Andrew: Yeah, I’d do one.

Brandon: Alright. Hey, mama!

Andrew: Oh, does your mom live with you?

Brandon: No. I kind of live with her.

Pete: Ha-ha. What?

Kenan: She wash your drawers for you too?

[Brandon laughing sarcastically]

Brandon: No. I do that for myself.

Kyle: Guys, go easy. Sounds kind of nice.

[Mom walks in with some beers]

Mom: Hey, you boys. Brewskis!

Andrew: Alright, I guess I can see how you can get used to this.

Mom: So, you thirsty baby?

Brandon: Oh, hell yeah. I could drink something.

[Mom gets ready with a covering sheet to breastfeed Brandon]

No peeking fellas!

Pete: At what?

[Brandon gets inside the sheet]

Mom: Go ahead baby, get in there. Oh, that Cam Newton is something else!

Brandon: Ummm. What did I miss? Did he go for two?

[Brandon’s friends are shocked]

Kenan: Uh, what just transpired exactly?

Brandon: Um, I was thirsty so I had a drink.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, did you just breast-feed?

Brandon: Jealous? Breastfeeding is healthy for the mom and the baby.

Andrew: You’re 43!

Mom: But you’ll always be my baby.

Pete: Ha-ha. Gross!

Kyle: I don’t know. That’s probably he’s so jacked!

Brandon: Bingo. That’s exactly why I’m so jacked. Got any idea how many vitamins are in the elixir?

Mom: It’s nature’s most perfect food.

Brandon: Plus, it’s free as hell. As a matter of fact, mama, if you would?

[passes a small glass to Mom]

Mom: Yeah, sure.

Brandon: So, y’all been planning thanksgiving? You’re welcome to come here, I don’t know what you’re doing.

Kenan: Ah, I’m good.

Andrew: Yeah.

Kyle: I’ll be around.

[Mom passes the small glass filled with milk to Brandon]

Brandon: Ooh! Still warm. [Brandon takes a shot of that milk] What’s going on in the game?

Kyle: Um, they just recovered the onside kick.

Brandon: Hell yeah! Let’s go.

[microwave beeps.]

Mom: Oh, that will be the snacks, I’ll be right back.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, what’s the story here, man?

Brandon: The story? I’ll tell you the story, Andrew. I have never once had an ear infection. I have zero allergies. No respiratory illnesses or bout diarrhea. is that enough of a story for you?

[Mom walks in with five glasses of milk]

Mom: Alright. Fresh baked cookies and milk!

Pete: Um, I guess I’ll take a cookie.

Kyle: I’ll have some.

[Kyle drinks the milk]

Brandon: Not me guys. I’m gonna go straight to the source, excuse me.

[Brandon starts to breastfeed again]

Mom: Get your muscle milk. Easy Brandon, you getting a little toothy down there.

[Brandon gets out of the cover. He has milk all over his face.]

Brandon: Sorry about that mama.

[Awkward silence between friends]

That’s what I’m talking about. Ah! That’s the game. That’s the game.

[Andrea walks in]

Andrea: Brandon! What are you doing? You’re supposed to take me to work. I’m gonna bel late.

Brandon: Oh, hey guys, this is my sister Andrea.

Andrea: Hi. Now, let’s go.

Mom: No. Not before y’all eat something. Everybody in.

Brandon: Alright.

[Brandon and Andrea get into the cover for breastfeeding]

Brandon: Stop pushing, Andrea! God damn!

[the milk is spraying outside all over Brandon’s friends]

Andrea: You’re wasting it!

Andrew: Alright. Okay. I think it’s time for us to head out.

Kenan: Yeah.

Andrew: Thank you for having us. Alright.

[Kenan, Pete and Andrew head out]

Kyle: I might chill here for a bit if that’s cool.

Short Film

Host… Alex Moffat

Emily Blunt

Vanessa Bayer

Andrew… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Host speaking on the stage]

Host: Hello. Welcome to the 16th Annual AnnArbor Short Film Festival. Um, so tonight we’ve got a really special one for you. I think you’re gonna love it. Also, stick around after the screening for a Q&A with the cast and crew. And now, without any further due, I present Qua.

[The movie starts] [Emily is looking herself at the mirror. She looks sad.] [Cut to Emily running from something. She falls and looks back. It turns out she is running away from herself.]

Emily: [scared] It’s me.

[Cut to Host clapping on the stage]

Host: Now, please help me welcome the cast and crew of Qua.

[Cut to the audience. All of them except one stands up and walk to the stage.]

Come on up, guys. Yeah, awesome. Very cool. Excellent. Yeah, congrats guys. Cool. Thank you all for being here. Alright. And um, I gotta say, truly stunning work. Okay, let’s just jump right in and get some audience questions.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience. There is a mic.]

Vanessa: Oh. I guess I’ll go. Um, good job everybody. Um, what was that all about?

[Cut to the stage. Andrew takes the mic.]

Andrew: Um, for me I guess it’s sort of about just the holocaust.

[Cecily takes the mic]

Cecily: Oh, yeah, sorry. Um, and just a piggy back off of what Andrew said, it’s also about like, “Yeah, why do we wear make up?”

[Beck takes the mic]

Beck: Yeah, right. But at the end of the day, it’s also comedy.

Host: Okay, great. Um, let’s take another question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Okay. Um, I’ll go again. Um, for the actress I guess, did you get to do any improv on set?

[Cut to the stage]

Emily: Oh. [she takes the mic] Yeah, that was a great question. There wasn’t a ton of improv coz you know, it was such a great script. But I did get to improv a few little things like, you know, the part where I said, “It’s me.” You know, that was improvised. And then you know that part where I was running and I fell down, that was also improvised. And then, the part where I was in the bathroom, that was all improv. But other than that, it was really, really scripted.

Host: Okay. Let’s take one more question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Dammit. Oh, um, what were some of your influences for this movie?

[Cut to the stage. Mikey gets the mic.]

Mikey: Um, I guess for me, I’d say Richard Linklater and Charlie Kaufman.

Beck: Yeah, for me I definitely say Charlie Kaufman and Richard Linklater. Yeah.

Kate: I guess for me it was sort of the combination of Richard Linklater and also Charlie Kaufman.

Aidy: And for me, it was the British Office.

Host: Okay. So, we have time for 10 to 15 more questions. Yes, miss.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: I guess, can you tell me about the music. And also, you don’t need to pass the mic if that will make this go faster.

Kenan: No, we don’t mind.

Emily: Um, this is actually a really cool story. The music was supposed to be an original song by Alicia Keys.

Host: Oh, that’s cool.

Emily: Yeah, yeah. But then, um, right before we started shooting we realized that none of us had Alicia’s email or anything. So, we couldn’t do that.

Host: Now, I gotta jump in here. Um, obviously there was a lot of symbolism in the movie.

All: Yeah.

Host: Does anyone have any questions about the symbolism? Um, yes you, putting on your coat and purse.

[Cut to Vanessa getting ready to leave]

Vanessa: Oh! Yes, um, can you talk about the number 3s that were all over the woods.

[Cut to the stage]

Kenan: [gets the mic] Thanks a lot. I’m sorry, what 3s?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: There were huge number 3s all over the woods in that woods scene?

[Cut to the stage. All the members are looking at each other’s faces confused.]

Kenan: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Host: Okay. We’re almost out of time. But real quick, why don’t we go down the line and just say what you’re working on now.

Aidy: Nothing.

Kenan: Nothing for me.

Kate: I’m doing some grocery shopping later today.

Mikey: Um, I’m doing nothing.

Beck: Nothing for me.

Cecily: Um, I’m going camping. Not this weekend but next.

Andrew: Um, I’m also doing nothing.

Emily: Um, I’m in ‘the Girl On the Train’ which is out in threatres right now.

Host: Oh, fun. Cool.

[The End]