Andrew Dismukes[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: We here at Update sure do love animals. Dogs, cats, love those guys. Here to do his new animal segment and these amazing animals is their own Andrew Dismukes.[Andrew Dismukes slides in. He has his face painted like a tiger.]
Andrew Dismukes: Hey! Yeah! Hey there, Colin. Rawr! I’m just goofing.
Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. No, I knew. Hey, Andrew, I really love the face paint.
Andrew Dismukes: Thanks.
Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s really cool. And I understand you also brought some animal friends with you today
Andrew Dismukes: Oh, that’s right, Colin. Animals can do some incredible stuff. And today, I brought my smartest friend Bongo, the octopus. [brings in an octopus in an aquarium]
Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.
Andrew Dismukes: So, Bongo here is actually somewhat of a psychic. In fact, he’s correctly predicted the winner of the last three World Cups. And today he’ll be predicting the winner of Sunday’s game between the Packers and Bears.
Colin Jost: Wow. Very cool. So, how does it work?
Andrew Dismukes: Well, when I say go, Bongo will use his sharpie to check off which team he predicts is going to win.
Colin Jost: Okay. Well then, I guess let’s get started.
Andrew Dismukes: Alright. Are you ready Bongo? Begin. [the octopus is raising its tentacle] You know, Colin, octopus are highly intuitive. They can anticipate stressful situations and even experience complex emotions.
Colin Jost: Wow, that’s pretty cool, Andrew.[bell rings]
Andrew Dismukes: Oh, time’s up. Okay, Bongo. What is your prediction?[Bongo has written “You will die in 7 days” on the board]
Colin Jost: Does that say you’re gonna die in seven days?
Andrew Dismukes: Bongo, what are you saying?[Bongo has written “I’m sorry my friend. It is what I see.” on the board]
Colin Jost: I don’t think an octopus can just–
Andrew Dismukes: Shh! Shh! Shut up, Colin. Bongo. You see what man cannot. Therefore I will accept my destiny.[Bongo has written “Farewell sweet prince” on the board]
Bongo the octopus everyone.
Colin Jost: Wow. That’s really–
Andrew Dismukes: Wasn’t that amazing, Collin?
Colin Jost: Andrew, are you okay?
Andrew Dismukes: Yeah. I just thought he was gonna pick the Packers but I guess instead I’m gonna die.
Colin Jost: Do you want to stop the segment?
Andrew Dismukes: Nah, nah, nah, I’m good. We all gotta die sometime, right? My next furry friend is one talking is pooch. It’s Taco the talking dog. [He pulls in a dog] Here he comes. Okay, taco. Let’s get Taco.
Colin Jost: There’s Taco.
Andrew Dismukes: Yeah, Taco here communicates by pushing on these buttons. He can even solve some pretty complicated–
Colin Jost: [as the dog is not getting his head above the table level]Pretty shy.
Andrew Dismukes: Yea, pretty shy. He can even solve some basic math problems.
Colin Jost: Oh, basic. Oh good, I love basics.
Andrew Dismukes: Taco, tell the people what’s four plus four?[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]
Dog’s sound: Are you going to die?
Andrew Dismukes: Yeah, bud. I think so. But you don’t gotta worry about that. Just tell me what’s four plus four?[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]
Dog’s sound: Are you scared?
Andrew Dismukes: Of course I’m scared. But Bongo says it’s gonna happen, so it’s pretty much a done deal. Taco, what’s four plus four?[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]
Dog’s sound: I love you.
Andrew Dismukes: [sobbing] I love you too, Taco. For old times sake, tell me w four plus four?[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]
Dog’s sound: Three.
Andrew Dismukes: No, that’s not it, Taco.[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]
Dog’s sound: Three.
Andrew Dismukes: No. No, Taco. It’s not three, bud.[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]
Dog’s sound: Just messing. It’s eight.
Andrew Dismukes: You son of a bitch. You got me again.
Colin Jost: Andrew’s amazing animals, everyone.
Andrew Dismukes: I’m gonna die.
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.