Fauci Holiday Message Cold Open

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes

Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

Mikey: I actually can’t find it.

Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

Mikey: I’m afraid so.

Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Mikey: Okay! And scene.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]

Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

Melissa: Really?

Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?

Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?

Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!

Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.

Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.

Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.

Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Biden Unites Democrats Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Joe Manchin… Aidy Bryant

Ilhan Omar… Ego Nwodim

Alexandria… Melissa Villaseñor.

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Male voice: And now, a message from the president of the United States, Joseph R. Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden speaking on a podium]

[cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Good evening. Fellow Americans, how’s everybody doing? What’s cooking? What’s good? How are you doing? How was everybody’s summer? Mine was bad. Not Cuomo bad but definitely not Afghanistan good. Everyone keeps harassing me about that drone strike. But on the bright side, I went the entire summer without falling down the stairs once. It’s pretty darn good. And hey, Broadway’s back. That’s exciting, right? [cheers and applause] So was the Taliban. So, I win some, lose some.

Unlike our last president, I try staying out of the limelight. I’m like an oil change, you don’t think about me unless you absolutely have to.

Right now, America needs me. Democrats need me. Got a major of structure bell on a historic socio gen, it had to get past. So now, I’m bringing together the democrats like Voltron so they’re all different colors but fundamentally, the robots. On one side, we have the moderate democrats, Kyrsten Sinema from Arizona.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema standing beside Joe Biden]

Kyrsten Sinema: What do I want from this bill? I’ll never tell. Because I didn’t come to congress to make friends. And so far, mission accomplished.

Joe Biden: Is it just me or does she look like all the characters from Scooby Doo at the same time? And another pain in my keister the de facto president of the United States, Joe Manchin from West Virginia.

[Cut to Joe Manchin standing beside Kyrsten Sinema]

Joe Manchin: Yeah, that’s right. I’m a democrat from West Virginia. If I vote for electric cars, they’re gonna kill me.

Joe Biden: On the other side, we have two members of progressive caucus, Ilhan Omar from Minessota

[Cut to Ilhan Omar]

Ilhan Omar: Thank you Joe for not calling me Kamala. For those of you who don’t know me, I was designed in a lab to give Tucker Carlson a heart attack.

Joe Biden: And finally, Alexandria– I’m not going to try to say the whole name. A.O.C. from Nueva York.

[Cut to Alexandria waving her hands]

[cheers and applause]

Alexandria: Yes, it’s me, the Cruella of the MET Gala. I wore a dress that said “Tax the rich”, then spent all night partying with the rich. Oops!

Joe Biden: Let’s go through this agenda together because we’re going to realize, “Hey, we’re all on the same page. We’re all singing the same damn thing.”

Alexandria: That’s right. I’m saying we need at least 300 billion in clean energy tax credits.

Joe Manchin: And I’m saying 0.

Joe Biden: See? Same page. There’s a lot of good stuff in this bill like Joe BidenKyrsten Sinema weeks of paid family leave.

Kyrsten Sinema: Six days!

Joe Biden: Six whole days of paid–

Joe Manchin: Well, unpaid.

Joe Biden: Unpaid six whole days–

Kyrsten Sinema: Night.

Joe Biden: Six nights of unpaid family half leave. That’s not a bad compromise, right? And what do you want in return?

Alexandria: What about a child tax credit?

Joe Biden: Great idea! We always said, children shouldn’t pay taxes. It’s a lot of math.

Joe Manchin: But if we give children too much leeway, how are they gonna get them to work in the minds, you know? We need their tiny hands to dig. All the big pieces of coal are gone. We need the little kid fingers to gather the little pieces.

Joe Biden: Okay. Let’s get a little basic. Roads. Everyone okay with roads?

Alexandria: I like roads.

Joe Manchin: Me too. Roads are where trucks live.

Joe Biden: Kyrsten?

Kyrsten Sinema: I want no roads.

Joe Biden: No roads? Why?

Kyrsten Sinema: Chaos!

Joe Biden: Alright! What about water? We’re allotting. Let’s see. 65 billion for water. Wow, that’s a lot of water. Does it come with the mermaid? Just kidding.

[Joe Biden pokes Ilhan Omar with his ankle to let her know of is joke]

Ilhan Omar: No. It was good.

Joe Biden: Yeah. What do you say, Joe? You good with water?

Joe Manchin: I don’t like that taste.

Joe Biden: Fine. Let’s focus on the two things that poll best with all Americans – lowering the price of prescription drugs–

Kyrsten Sinema: No!

Joe Biden: And raising taxes on billionaires.

[Kyrsten Sinema shows her thumbs down on the idea]

Alright then, just tell us Kyrsten. What do you like? What’s good to you?

Kyrsten Sinema: Yellow starbursts, the film “The Polar Express”, and when someone eats fish on an airplane.

Alexandria: But can’t we compromise on anything? Isn’t something better than nothing?

Kyrsten Sinema: Look. As a wine drinking bisexual triathlete, I know what the average American wants. They want to be put on hold when they call 9Joe BidenJoe Biden. They want bridges that just stop, car falls down. They want water so thick, you can eat it with a fork. And I will fight for that no matter what, unless my foot hurts, then I’ll go back to Arizona.

Joe Biden: Fine! Fine! Then we’re gonna talk about one last item on the agenda. Most important one. Trains!

Ilhan Omar: Oh god, again?

Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t take dreams away from me! We need to remind people of the grandeur of American rail travel. The quiet car. The seats are faced backwards. The sliding bathroom doors that don’t quite lock. You open it up, catch a glimpse of an old man on a toilet. The full bottle of gatorade rolling around on the floor of the train. It goes that way, it goes back. Without trains, no American.

Ilhan Omar: I can’t believe I’m saying this to my white boss, it’s gonna be okay.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: It’s gonna be more than okay. Take it from me, governor-ish Andrew Cuomo. Us democrats have had each other’s backs no matter what. We’re like one big Italian family. And you know what Italians like to do? Hug and kiss and run their fingers up each other’s backs. So, let’s all come together– Oh, bad choice of words there. And get this bill pass today. Just like me, it deserves a second chance. And a third chance. And up to at least Joe BidenJoe Biden chances. Oh, and I want to plug my new book. My first one was called “Lessons and Leadership”. And my new one is called “Whoops!”

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: And I’m here to promote my new book, “Sandwiches I have liked and tried”. Hello, I’m Chuck Schumer. You may remember me, but you don’t. I hope you’ve enjoyed our little rap session. Next time you get an email from the democratic party with a scary desperate subject line like “It’s all over, Jennifer. Democracy is dead unless you donate $Chuck Schumer now!”, don’t panic too much. Us democrats are all in this together.

Joe Biden: Hey, we sure are. Because fundamentally, we’re all the same.

Andrew Cuomo: Screw!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Wario

Plaintiff attorney…Heidi Gardner

Luigi… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Cecily Strong

Defense attorney… Mikey Day

Wario… Elon Musk

Waluigi… Kate McKinnon

Princess Peach… Chloe Fineman

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Mario… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a case running in the court room]

Plaintiff attorney: And I know this is difficult, but were you present at the time of your brother’s murder?

Luigi: I was.

Plaintiff attorney: And how exactly was he a-killed? Sorry. Killed.

Luigi: We had a friendly race in the gocart. Then someone threw a bananapeel at Mario. His car spin out. He wiped all over the pavement. I hear noise like — [the sound of Mario dying in game plays] And I knew my brother was dead.

Plaintiff attorney: And is the person who threw banana peel present in the courtroom at this moment.

Luigi: [pointing] He!

Judge: Alright. Let the record show that the witness has indicated Wario, the evil Mario.

Defense attorney: Objection.

Judge: I’m sorry. The other Mario.

Plaintiff attorney: The prosecution rests, your honor.

Luigi: He a monster.

Wario: I’m afraid.

Defense attorney: Don’t worry. This is why they pay me the big bucks.

Judge: Would the defense like to call it’s first witness?

Defense attorney: We would, your honor. The defense calls Wario. Wario, is it true as many have put forward today that you are evil?

Wario: No. I am not evil. I’m just misunderstood. Some of the anti-Italian hate rate in this courtroom is disgusting.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection. His accent is really bringing it on himself.

Judge: Sustained. Watch it, Wario.

Defense attorney: You know, funny you should mention his accent. Your honor, I’d like to submit as evidence Wario’s Super Mario wiki fan page and this is all real.

Wario: People are so mean online.

Defense attorney: First, the section entitled ‘personality’ and see if this doesn’t sound defamatory to my client’s character. “Wario is generally lazy, ruthless and greedy. He is foul and smelly, as he eats a lot of garlic, his favorite food.” Wow! Racist much?

Plaintiff attorney: Objection! He is eating garlic right now.

Defense attorney: Let’s just keep reading. Shall we? Here’s a section titled ‘friends’. “Wario has almost never been seen with friends. The only person who hangs out with him is Waluigi, the evil Luigi.”

Waluigi: And I don’t appreciate that description. I Waluigi. It’s like a weird Luigi. Not an evil Luigi. Not at all.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection, how is any of this relevant?

Defense attorney: It goes toward how my client is unfairly painted as a villain. Listen to his theme song.

[Wario’s theme songs plays. He starts dancing.]

Judge: Alright. I’ll have order in this court.

[Judge hits the table with a gavel. The sound of the gavel is that of when Mario hits coin brick.]

Defense attorney: Wario, you know Mario better than anyone.

Wario: He’s just like me, only different colors. And I’m a little fatter.

Defense attorney: Did Mario have a dark side?

Wario: Yes. He started eating mushrooms. At first it was micro-dosing. And then it became macro-dosing. And sometimes he was flashing like he was invincible. That’s when he was on cocaine.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection.

Judge: Overruled. This is fun.

Defense attorney: And was there anything off between him and Luigi?

Wario: Yes. I hate for it to come out like this but Luigi was sleeping with Princess Peach, Mario’s wife.

[Luigi and Princess Peach get angry]

Luigi: You lie. We never sleep together.

Princess Peach: I never touch him under the overall.

Defense attorney: Hah! If what you say is true, how do you explain these text messages. “Hey Luigi, my faucet’s dripping. I need a plumber who can really lay some pipe.” From Luigi, three:seventeen AM, “U up? I am…” And then he sent this video.

[The video shows Luigi’s penis getting an erection. The sound of Mario’s growing plays.]

Defense attorney: And I don’t think I need to tell you what the growing noise means.

Luigi: You are son of a bitch. Your ruin my life!

[Luigi pulls out a turtle]

Princess Peach: Luigi, no!

Judge: He’s got a red turtle shell.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: Hello. I’m governor Andrew Cuomo.

Wario: And I’m Wario.

Andrew Cuomo: And we are two misunderstood Italian Americans.

Wario: I’m actually Japanese, but okay.

Andrew Cuomo: Sure. Please don’t believe the horrible stereotypes. You see, in Mario world, some of the bad guys are even called “Goombas”.

[Mario walks in]

Mario: And I’m regular Mario. Don’t worry about me. Sure, I died. But I still got three lives left. [starts dancing]

Andrew Cuomo: And hopefully, so do I.

[Cut to Italian-American Anti-Defamation League logo]

Male voice: This has been a message from  Italian-American Anti-Defamation League

Cartoon Wario: Ane me, Wario! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Vaccine Game Show Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Gavin Newsom… Alex Moffat

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

Jane F. … Heidi Gardner

Kendall Frye… Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villseñor

Ronald… Bowen Yang

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Seymour Foreman… Mikey Day

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Hello. Hello. Okay. Thank you. Hello. I am America’s voice of reason and Celebrity Hall Pass for some reason, Dr. Fauci. The vaccine rollout is going strong, but it’s also very confusing. Who can get it? How? When? Where is it? Do both doses go in the same arm or different arms or what? I don’t know. So tonight, we give everyday Americans the chance to vie for vaccine eligibility on a little show we like to call “So you think you can get the vaccine?” [clapping]

[cheers and applause]

Hello and welcome to the name of the game show I just said.

[Dr. Anthony Fauci walks to the podium that’s shaped like covid-Dr. Anthony FauciSeymour Foreman vaccine bottle container]

Getting a vaccine shouldn’t be a competition but Americans will only want to get it if it means someone else can’t. So, let’s meet our panel of judges who are all — get excited — famous governors. First, he is hated by every single person in California except those 10 people he had dinner with in Napa that one time, please welcome governor Gavin Newsom.

[cheers and applause]

Gavin Newsom: Hey, what can I say? I love dinner.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: That’s great. How are things going in California?

Gavin Newsom: Teeth – white. Bodies – tight. Covid – pretty bad.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Next, he is currently under fire for futzing with old dead people and also for the kind of sexual harassment allegations that make you go, “Yeah, I can see that”, it’s New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo.

[cheers and applause]

Andrew Cuomo: Yes. Yes. Hello. Nice bodies, some of you. I know, I know. I’m in the freaking dog house again. Remember when your favorite movie was my Powerpoints? Remember “Today is Tuesday”? When can we go back to that? I mean, come on.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Our next judge narrowly escaped being kidnapped by a group of men whose fingerprints probably had Cheetos dust on them, please welcome the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer.

[cheers and applause]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey there. It’s an honor to be here with my fellow governors. People yell at them about their policies and they yell at me “Get her!” But hey, that’s life! [takes a sip from her bottle of beer.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Judges, all of our contestants desperately want the vaccine but an essential worker can differ in every state. So, in California, it’s–

Gavin Newsom: Police, hospital staff, neuropaths and psychics.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: And in Michigan, it’s–

Gretchen Whitmer: Fishers, truckers, trappers and drafters.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. And in New York, it is–

Andrew Cuomo: Tough guys, wise guys, rich guys and five guys.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Great. Tonight’s game and the vaccine is brought to you by CVS. Come fo the shot, leave with a lollipop from two Halloweens ago. Our first contestant is very nervous and excited to be here. Please welcome Jane F.

[cheers and applause]

Jane F.: Hello, I’m from Michigan. Go, Wolverines.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aw, well hi. Nice to see a fellow Michigander.

Jane F.: Oh, thanks. I actually voted for you.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, it’s nice.

Jane F.: I voted for you to get kidnapped. But still–

Gretchen Whitmer: It’s alright. Well, I’ll take it. Tell us why you’re here?

Jane F.: I think I deserve the vaccine because I’m an essential worker.

Gretchen Whitmer: That’s nice. What do you do?

Jane F.: I do IT for the Onlyfans website, so I am busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Jane F.: Um, I have a really bad attitude. I’m allergic to dust. And I don’t know if this is anything but I have herpes.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, no, sweetheart, that doesn’t get to the vaccine.

Jane F.: What? Then why did I just say that on the TV?

[Jane F. leaves]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, it’s too bad. A reminder, any contestant who’s not going home with a vaccine will take home one of our highly desirable consolation prizes like Pfizer visor. [A picture of a Pfizer sun cap appears on the screen.] It’s visor with the word Pfizer on it. And if you don’t get the vaccine, you might take home Maxine. [a cartoon woman appears on the screen]. The cranky middle aged woman from the Hallmark cards. Available at CVS. CVS, it stands for Chex Mix, Vodka and “So much plan B”. Now, our next contestant has asked me to tell you that she is very, very old, for real. She’s not even kidding. Please welcome Kendall Frye.

[Kendall Frye walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Kendall Frye: Hello. I’m old. I love hard candy and boy do I stand going to church.

Gretchen Whitmer: Hah! Something seems off about her.

Andrew Cuomo: Yeah. She just said stand.

Gavin Newsom: I think we got another pretend granny.

Kendall Frye: [pulls off her wig] Okay, fine. Listen, there’s a guy I’ve been talking to for 10 years and he just got out of a relationship and he’s in town tonight. Give me the vaccine.

Gavin Newsom: Okay. And, what are your risks?

Kendall Frye: My risk is that I may pop, sir.

Gretchen Whitmer: Sorry, sweetheart. You’re not eligible.

Kendall Frye: Wow, okay. On the second to last day of Black History Month, wow!

[Kendall Frye walks out]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thanks again to our sponsor, CVS. We have the receipts — and they’re long. I don’t get that joke. I don’t mind saying it. I just don’t get it. Alright, our next contestant is expecting to have a baby.

[cheers and applause]

Melissa: Hi, I’m pregnant. Can I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: I don’t know. Can you?

Melissa: Sorry. May I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: No, that wasn’t a grammar thing. I was genuinely asking. We have no idea.

Melissa: You don’t know?

Gavin Newsom: Um, just give it to her?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Um, unfortunately, we’re running a little low on Moderna, but we do have some trials for the Kirkland signature vaccine developed by Costco. [pulls out a huge syringe] It’s big enough for you and your little one that comes with a free pack of 24 hotdogs. Next, we have Ronald who’s a proud smoker from New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

Ronald: Hi. I’m Ronald. [holding a burning cigarette in uncomfortable way] I’m from New Jersey. And I love cigarettes.

Andrew Cuomo: Are you just saying that because in New Jersey, they’re giving the vaccine to smokers?

Ronald: [squeaky voice] What? No. I love smoking. I love the squishy part, the burny part. It’s all my favorite. [coughing] Okay, this is terrible. I got to get some water.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay, give it up for that life long smoker. Our next contestant is– this doesn’t sound right, fresh off his appearance yesterday at CPAC. Oh god, it’s Ted Cruz.

[cheers and applause]

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes. Senator Ted Cruz performing talent of stand up comedy. Oh, it is great to be back in New York city. I’m sorry, my arms are tired because I just flew back Cancun, Mexico. But can you really blame a brother for want some sun? Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Here comes my catch phrase that I’ve spent all day yesterday screaming. Are you ready? Here we go now. [yelling] Freedom!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Wow. It’s been quite a night and we’re down to our last contestant. Let’s bring him out.

[cheers and applause]

Seymour Foreman: Hello. My name is Seymour Foreman and I’m RonaldJane F. years young. I was an army doctor but now I’m just the world’s proudest granddad.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aww. Wow, you got it all.

Andrew Cuomo: You win.

Gavin Newsom: You get the vaccine.

Seymour Foreman: Oh, wonderful. So, do I get it here or back stage?

Andrew Cuomo: Oh, no. You can’t get it here. You gotta make an appointment online.

Seymour Foreman: On what? Oh no! How do I do that?

Gavin Newsom: Do you have a computer?

Seymour Foreman: For Spider Solitaire.

Gretchen Whitmer: Well, is there a young person who could help you?

Seymour Foreman: Perhaps the mailman?

Andrew Cuomo: Now, does he have three straight days to click refresh?

Seymour Foreman: I don’t think he does. He seems busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Ah! So close. Better luck next time.

Andrew Cuomo: But if you do feel sick, make sure you leave the nursing home and get to the hospital. Wink!

Seymour Foreman: Oh no!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Alright. That’s all the time we have. I’m just getting word, power went out at the CVS nearby. The vaccines are all going to expire. So, it’s first come first stab.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Britney Spears Cold Open

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gina Carano… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: And now live from Las Vegas, it’s “Oops, you did it again”, with your host Britney Spears.

[cheers and applause]

[cut to Britney in her set]

Britney: Hey, y’all. It’s Britney, bitch. You all know me from my upbeat Instagram video and the word “Conservatorship”. Basically, I started this show “Oops, you did it again”, so people could come on and apologize for things they’ve done wrong. Because after the ‘Free Britney’ documentary came out, I’m receiving hundreds of apologies a day. Speaking of which, I’d like to give a quick shoutout to out sponsor – The Notes App. Are you looking to post a lame apology Ted0 years late? Go through the motions with the Notes App.

Okay, guys, let’s welcome our first guest and while the music plays, I’m gonna dance.

[Britney starts dancing]

Please welcome Texas senator, Ted Cruz.

[Ted walks in in a holiday vibe with a cocktail in one hand and a luggage on the other hand.]

[cheers and applause]

Ted: Ola, everyone. Hey, Britney.

Britney: Hey there, Ted. You look tan.

Ted: Oh, no. I’m not tan. I just cried myself red over my fellow Texans. And that’s why I drink in their honor.

Britney: So Ted, Texas is going through huge crisis disease right now.

Ted: Oh yeah. Yeah, it’s real bad.

Britney: And you literally abandoned it and flew to Cancun for a family vacation.

Ted: That’s right. And now, I’m in a little bit of hot water which I’m told is a thing no one in Texas has.

Britney: Well, would you like to apologize?

Ted: Absolutely. I deeply regret my actions over the last couple of days. Mostly, flying United. [giggling] I’m sorry. I’m pretty bad at human stuff.

Britney: So, you understand why people are calling you a coward?

Ted: Yeah. Coward is actually nicest word I heard. But let me ask you this. Would a coward have the cajones to blame his actions on his young daughters?

Britney: [surprised] You blamed your daughters?

Ted: Oh yeah, the whole trip was the girl’s idea. They love Cancun. There are so much for kids to do. The topless beach. Shots at senior frogs. Swimming with sick dolphins. They love it.

Britney: Okay. Well, as someone who was often blamed for other people’s problems at a young age, [acting crazy] maybe leave your daughters out of it because it could really mess up with their heads.

Okay. My next guest also has some explaining to do. You want to dance with me, Ted?

Ted: Well, I think my fellow Texans want to see me dance and be happy right now. Let’s do it.

[Britney and Ted start dancing]

Britney: Please welcome New York governor Andrew Cuomo.

[Andrew walks in. He is wearing a suit.]

[cheers and applause]

Andrew: Hey. Hello. Alright. Let’s get this over with.

Britney: Governor, do you know why you’re here today?

Andrew: Is it because indoor dining is back in New York? [cheers and applause] That’s exciting, right?

Britney: Governot!

Andrew: Alright, I know. It’s coz of the nursing home stuff.

Britney: And what happened with the nursing homes?

Andrew: Some of the people who died in the nursing homes were not counted as nursing home deaths. They were counted as hospital deaths. Which is basically what happens at Disney World. Okay? People die and they move the bodies. They say, “Oh, I guess Brenda died in the parking lot, not on the tea cups.” So, you know, we just did the Disney thing. Alright. Well, are we done here?

Britney: Governor, I like you. You’re from NYC or as I call it, TRL. But don’t you think you ought to apologize?

Andrew: Yeah.

Britney: I’m sorry. What was that?

Andrew: I said I was sorry.

Britney: Okay, see? That wasn’t so hard. People just want answers. Bill de Blasio says you are to be investigated.

Andrew: That bird bitch son of a what? What did that bird bitch say about me? [yelling] I will bury him in the tallest grave this city has ever seen! I will hire a Hobo to Rick Moranis him so hard, he’ll think he’s back in Universal Pre-K.

Britney: Governor?

Andrew: I’m sorry, okay? I get a little angry now and then and always.

Ted: Hey, I get it. You know, me and you, we’re both kind of the same thing. We’re both strong misunderstood men.

Andrew: Do not associate yourself with me. We are not the same. I am a man, you are a clown.

Ted: I accept that. Thank you.

Andrew: And if you mess with me, I will send you to a clown hospital.

Ted: Honestly, that sounds fun.

Andrew: And when you die, I will not count your body.

Ted: No, sure. Thank you.

Britney: Alright. Now, it’s time to read a letter from a fan and see what the folks at home are curious about.

[reading a letter]

Dear Britney, are you okay?

Yes, okay. So, I get this question a lot and I am perfectly okay, everything is good. And I am not trying to send people subliminal messages through my videos.

[#FreeBritney appears for a second then cuts back to Britney]

Okay guys, my final guest was fired from the Mandalorian for something she posted on social media, please welcome actress Gina Carano.

[Gina walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Hi Gina, are you here to apologize?

Gina: I’m here for the opposite of that. I’ve done nothing wrong. No one can even explain what I did wrong. Explain it.

Britney: Okay. On Instagram, you said “Conservatives have it as bad as people living in Nazi, Germany.”

Gina: Okay, congrats. You explained it. Look, I never would made that Nazi comparison if I’d known everybody was gonna be such a Nazi about it.

Britney: Do you feel like you’re a victim of cancel culture?

Gina: Yeah, absolutely. And I was canceled by Disney? Disney is the moral high ground? Have heard Brer Rabbit’s accent on the Splash Mountain rag recently?

Andrew: Well, if you die on it, they’re gonna move the body.

Ted: Ay look, I know how you feel, sweetie. I’m getting a lot of my old tweets used against me too. Yeah, we’re both in the same thing girl. Strong misunderstood women, okay?

Gina: No. Do not associate yourself with me. I am strong and you are a pile of soup. I am first class and you are coach.

Ted: Yeah, but I’m in the up grade list though.

Gina: And if you compare yourself to me, I will blast you to the farthest deserts of Tatooine.

Ted: Ay, anything to get out of Texas.

Britney: Okay. Well, that is all the time we have. But before I go, I just want to say a little prayer for a song. We need to remember that times are hard right now. People are struggling. We need to be understanding and forgiving of one another. I pray that all of you be sane and well and to be with people who make you feel loved. Isn’t that right, guys?

Andrew: [shaking head] I’m gonna cry.

Britney: So blessings to all.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.