Wario

Plaintiff attorney…Heidi Gardner

Luigi… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Cecily Strong

Defense attorney… Mikey Day

Wario… Elon Musk

Waluigi… Kate McKinnon

Princess Peach… Chloe Fineman

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Mario… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a case running in the court room]

Plaintiff attorney: And I know this is difficult, but were you present at the time of your brother’s murder?

Luigi: I was.

Plaintiff attorney: And how exactly was he a-killed? Sorry. Killed.

Luigi: We had a friendly race in the gocart. Then someone threw a bananapeel at Mario. His car spin out. He wiped all over the pavement. I hear noise like — [the sound of Mario dying in game plays] And I knew my brother was dead.

Plaintiff attorney: And is the person who threw banana peel present in the courtroom at this moment.

Luigi: [pointing] He!

Judge: Alright. Let the record show that the witness has indicated Wario, the evil Mario.

Defense attorney: Objection.

Judge: I’m sorry. The other Mario.

Plaintiff attorney: The prosecution rests, your honor.

Luigi: He a monster.

Wario: I’m afraid.

Defense attorney: Don’t worry. This is why they pay me the big bucks.

Judge: Would the defense like to call it’s first witness?

Defense attorney: We would, your honor. The defense calls Wario. Wario, is it true as many have put forward today that you are evil?

Wario: No. I am not evil. I’m just misunderstood. Some of the anti-Italian hate rate in this courtroom is disgusting.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection. His accent is really bringing it on himself.

Judge: Sustained. Watch it, Wario.

Defense attorney: You know, funny you should mention his accent. Your honor, I’d like to submit as evidence Wario’s Super Mario wiki fan page and this is all real.

Wario: People are so mean online.

Defense attorney: First, the section entitled ‘personality’ and see if this doesn’t sound defamatory to my client’s character. “Wario is generally lazy, ruthless and greedy. He is foul and smelly, as he eats a lot of garlic, his favorite food.” Wow! Racist much?

Plaintiff attorney: Objection! He is eating garlic right now.

Defense attorney: Let’s just keep reading. Shall we? Here’s a section titled ‘friends’. “Wario has almost never been seen with friends. The only person who hangs out with him is Waluigi, the evil Luigi.”

Waluigi: And I don’t appreciate that description. I Waluigi. It’s like a weird Luigi. Not an evil Luigi. Not at all.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection, how is any of this relevant?

Defense attorney: It goes toward how my client is unfairly painted as a villain. Listen to his theme song.

[Wario’s theme songs plays. He starts dancing.]

Judge: Alright. I’ll have order in this court.

[Judge hits the table with a gavel. The sound of the gavel is that of when Mario hits coin brick.]

Defense attorney: Wario, you know Mario better than anyone.

Wario: He’s just like me, only different colors. And I’m a little fatter.

Defense attorney: Did Mario have a dark side?

Wario: Yes. He started eating mushrooms. At first it was micro-dosing. And then it became macro-dosing. And sometimes he was flashing like he was invincible. That’s when he was on cocaine.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection.

Judge: Overruled. This is fun.

Defense attorney: And was there anything off between him and Luigi?

Wario: Yes. I hate for it to come out like this but Luigi was sleeping with Princess Peach, Mario’s wife.

[Luigi and Princess Peach get angry]

Luigi: You lie. We never sleep together.

Princess Peach: I never touch him under the overall.

Defense attorney: Hah! If what you say is true, how do you explain these text messages. “Hey Luigi, my faucet’s dripping. I need a plumber who can really lay some pipe.” From Luigi, three:seventeen AM, “U up? I am…” And then he sent this video.

[The video shows Luigi’s penis getting an erection. The sound of Mario’s growing plays.]

Defense attorney: And I don’t think I need to tell you what the growing noise means.

Luigi: You are son of a bitch. Your ruin my life!

[Luigi pulls out a turtle]

Princess Peach: Luigi, no!

Judge: He’s got a red turtle shell.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: Hello. I’m governor Andrew Cuomo.

Wario: And I’m Wario.

Andrew Cuomo: And we are two misunderstood Italian Americans.

Wario: I’m actually Japanese, but okay.

Andrew Cuomo: Sure. Please don’t believe the horrible stereotypes. You see, in Mario world, some of the bad guys are even called “Goombas”.

[Mario walks in]

Mario: And I’m regular Mario. Don’t worry about me. Sure, I died. But I still got three lives left. [starts dancing]

Andrew Cuomo: And hopefully, so do I.

[Cut to Italian-American Anti-Defamation League logo]

Male voice: This has been a message from  Italian-American Anti-Defamation League

Cartoon Wario: Ane me, Wario! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Vaccine Game Show Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Gavin Newsom… Alex Moffat

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

Jane F. … Heidi Gardner

Kendall Frye… Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villseñor

Ronald… Bowen Yang

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Seymour Foreman… Mikey Day

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Hello. Hello. Okay. Thank you. Hello. I am America’s voice of reason and Celebrity Hall Pass for some reason, Dr. Fauci. The vaccine rollout is going strong, but it’s also very confusing. Who can get it? How? When? Where is it? Do both doses go in the same arm or different arms or what? I don’t know. So tonight, we give everyday Americans the chance to vie for vaccine eligibility on a little show we like to call “So you think you can get the vaccine?” [clapping] [cheers and applause]

Hello and welcome to the name of the game show I just said.

[Dr. Anthony Fauci walks to the podium that’s shaped like covid-Dr. Anthony FauciSeymour Foreman vaccine bottle container]

Getting a vaccine shouldn’t be a competition but Americans will only want to get it if it means someone else can’t. So, let’s meet our panel of judges who are all — get excited — famous governors. First, he is hated by every single person in California except those 10 people he had dinner with in Napa that one time, please welcome governor Gavin Newsom.

[cheers and applause]

Gavin Newsom: Hey, what can I say? I love dinner.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: That’s great. How are things going in California?

Gavin Newsom: Teeth – white. Bodies – tight. Covid – pretty bad.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Next, he is currently under fire for futzing with old dead people and also for the kind of sexual harassment allegations that make you go, “Yeah, I can see that”, it’s New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo.

[cheers and applause]

Andrew Cuomo: Yes. Yes. Hello. Nice bodies, some of you. I know, I know. I’m in the freaking dog house again. Remember when your favorite movie was my Powerpoints? Remember “Today is Tuesday”? When can we go back to that? I mean, come on.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Our next judge narrowly escaped being kidnapped by a group of men whose fingerprints probably had Cheetos dust on them, please welcome the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer.

[cheers and applause]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey there. It’s an honor to be here with my fellow governors. People yell at them about their policies and they yell at me “Get her!” But hey, that’s life! [takes a sip from her bottle of beer.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Judges, all of our contestants desperately want the vaccine but an essential worker can differ in every state. So, in California, it’s–

Gavin Newsom: Police, hospital staff, neuropaths and psychics.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: And in Michigan, it’s–

Gretchen Whitmer: Fishers, truckers, trappers and drafters.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. And in New York, it is–

Andrew Cuomo: Tough guys, wise guys, rich guys and five guys.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Great. Tonight’s game and the vaccine is brought to you by CVS. Come fo the shot, leave with a lollipop from two Halloweens ago. Our first contestant is very nervous and excited to be here. Please welcome Jane F.

[cheers and applause]

Jane F.: Hello, I’m from Michigan. Go, Wolverines.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aw, well hi. Nice to see a fellow Michigander.

Jane F.: Oh, thanks. I actually voted for you.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, it’s nice.

Jane F.: I voted for you to get kidnapped. But still–

Gretchen Whitmer: It’s alright. Well, I’ll take it. Tell us why you’re here?

Jane F.: I think I deserve the vaccine because I’m an essential worker.

Gretchen Whitmer: That’s nice. What do you do?

Jane F.: I do IT for the Onlyfans website, so I am busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Jane F.: Um, I have a really bad attitude. I’m allergic to dust. And I don’t know if this is anything but I have herpes.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, no, sweetheart, that doesn’t get to the vaccine.

Jane F.: What? Then why did I just say that on the TV?

[Jane F. leaves]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, it’s too bad. A reminder, any contestant who’s not going home with a vaccine will take home one of our highly desirable consolation prizes like Pfizer visor. [A picture of a Pfizer sun cap appears on the screen.] It’s visor with the word Pfizer on it. And if you don’t get the vaccine, you might take home Maxine. [a cartoon woman appears on the screen]. The cranky middle aged woman from the Hallmark cards. Available at CVS. CVS, it stands for Chex Mix, Vodka and “So much plan B”. Now, our next contestant has asked me to tell you that she is very, very old, for real. She’s not even kidding. Please welcome Kendall Frye.

[Kendall Frye walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kendall Frye: Hello. I’m old. I love hard candy and boy do I stand going to church.

Gretchen Whitmer: Hah! Something seems off about her.

Andrew Cuomo: Yeah. She just said stand.

Gavin Newsom: I think we got another pretend granny.

Kendall Frye: [pulls off her wig] Okay, fine. Listen, there’s a guy I’ve been talking to for 10 years and he just got out of a relationship and he’s in town tonight. Give me the vaccine.

Gavin Newsom: Okay. And, what are your risks?

Kendall Frye: My risk is that I may pop, sir.

Gretchen Whitmer: Sorry, sweetheart. You’re not eligible.

Kendall Frye: Wow, okay. On the second to last day of Black History Month, wow!

[Kendall Frye walks out]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thanks again to our sponsor, CVS. We have the receipts — and they’re long. I don’t get that joke. I don’t mind saying it. I just don’t get it. Alright, our next contestant is expecting to have a baby.

[cheers and applause]

Melissa: Hi, I’m pregnant. Can I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: I don’t know. Can you?

Melissa: Sorry. May I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: No, that wasn’t a grammar thing. I was genuinely asking. We have no idea.

Melissa: You don’t know?

Gavin Newsom: Um, just give it to her?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Um, unfortunately, we’re running a little low on Moderna, but we do have some trials for the Kirkland signature vaccine developed by Costco. [pulls out a huge syringe] It’s big enough for you and your little one that comes with a free pack of 24 hotdogs. Next, we have Ronald who’s a proud smoker from New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

Ronald: Hi. I’m Ronald. [holding a burning cigarette in uncomfortable way] I’m from New Jersey. And I love cigarettes.

Andrew Cuomo: Are you just saying that because in New Jersey, they’re giving the vaccine to smokers?

Ronald: [squeaky voice] What? No. I love smoking. I love the squishy part, the burny part. It’s all my favorite. [coughing] Okay, this is terrible. I got to get some water.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay, give it up for that life long smoker. Our next contestant is– this doesn’t sound right, fresh off his appearance yesterday at CPAC. Oh god, it’s Ted Cruz.

[cheers and applause]

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes. Senator Ted Cruz performing talent of stand up comedy. Oh, it is great to be back in New York city. I’m sorry, my arms are tired because I just flew back Cancun, Mexico. But can you really blame a brother for want some sun? Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Here comes my catch phrase that I’ve spent all day yesterday screaming. Are you ready? Here we go now. [yelling] Freedom!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Wow. It’s been quite a night and we’re down to our last contestant. Let’s bring him out.

[cheers and applause]

Seymour Foreman: Hello. My name is Seymour Foreman and I’m RonaldJane F. years young. I was an army doctor but now I’m just the world’s proudest granddad.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aww. Wow, you got it all.

Andrew Cuomo: You win.

Gavin Newsom: You get the vaccine.

Seymour Foreman: Oh, wonderful. So, do I get it here or back stage?

Andrew Cuomo: Oh, no. You can’t get it here. You gotta make an appointment online.

Seymour Foreman: On what? Oh no! How do I do that?

Gavin Newsom: Do you have a computer?

Seymour Foreman: For Spider Solitaire.

Gretchen Whitmer: Well, is there a young person who could help you?

Seymour Foreman: Perhaps the mailman?

Andrew Cuomo: Now, does he have three straight days to click refresh?

Seymour Foreman: I don’t think he does. He seems busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Ah! So close. Better luck next time.

Andrew Cuomo: But if you do feel sick, make sure you leave the nursing home and get to the hospital. Wink!

Seymour Foreman: Oh no!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Alright. That’s all the time we have. I’m just getting word, power went out at the CVS nearby. The vaccines are all going to expire. So, it’s first come first stab.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Britney Spears Cold Open

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gina Carano… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: And now live from Las Vegas, it’s “Oops, you did it again”, with your host Britney Spears.

[cheers and applause] [cut to Britney in her set]

Britney: Hey, y’all. It’s Britney, bitch. You all know me from my upbeat Instagram video and the word “Conservatorship”. Basically, I started this show “Oops, you did it again”, so people could come on and apologize for things they’ve done wrong. Because after the ‘Free Britney’ documentary came out, I’m receiving hundreds of apologies a day. Speaking of which, I’d like to give a quick shoutout to out sponsor – The Notes App. Are you looking to post a lame apology Ted0 years late? Go through the motions with the Notes App.

Okay, guys, let’s welcome our first guest and while the music plays, I’m gonna dance.

[Britney starts dancing]

Please welcome Texas senator, Ted Cruz.

[Ted walks in in a holiday vibe with a cocktail in one hand and a luggage on the other hand.] [cheers and applause]

Ted: Ola, everyone. Hey, Britney.

Britney: Hey there, Ted. You look tan.

Ted: Oh, no. I’m not tan. I just cried myself red over my fellow Texans. And that’s why I drink in their honor.

Britney: So Ted, Texas is going through huge crisis disease right now.

Ted: Oh yeah. Yeah, it’s real bad.

Britney: And you literally abandoned it and flew to Cancun for a family vacation.

Ted: That’s right. And now, I’m in a little bit of hot water which I’m told is a thing no one in Texas has.

Britney: Well, would you like to apologize?

Ted: Absolutely. I deeply regret my actions over the last couple of days. Mostly, flying United. [giggling] I’m sorry. I’m pretty bad at human stuff.

Britney: So, you understand why people are calling you a coward?

Ted: Yeah. Coward is actually nicest word I heard. But let me ask you this. Would a coward have the cajones to blame his actions on his young daughters?

Britney: [surprised] You blamed your daughters?

Ted: Oh yeah, the whole trip was the girl’s idea. They love Cancun. There are so much for kids to do. The topless beach. Shots at senior frogs. Swimming with sick dolphins. They love it.

Britney: Okay. Well, as someone who was often blamed for other people’s problems at a young age, [acting crazy] maybe leave your daughters out of it because it could really mess up with their heads.

Okay. My next guest also has some explaining to do. You want to dance with me, Ted?

Ted: Well, I think my fellow Texans want to see me dance and be happy right now. Let’s do it.

[Britney and Ted start dancing]

Britney: Please welcome New York governor Andrew Cuomo.

[Andrew walks in. He is wearing a suit.] [cheers and applause]

Andrew: Hey. Hello. Alright. Let’s get this over with.

Britney: Governor, do you know why you’re here today?

Andrew: Is it because indoor dining is back in New York? [cheers and applause] That’s exciting, right?

Britney: Governot!

Andrew: Alright, I know. It’s coz of the nursing home stuff.

Britney: And what happened with the nursing homes?

Andrew: Some of the people who died in the nursing homes were not counted as nursing home deaths. They were counted as hospital deaths. Which is basically what happens at Disney World. Okay? People die and they move the bodies. They say, “Oh, I guess Brenda died in the parking lot, not on the tea cups.” So, you know, we just did the Disney thing. Alright. Well, are we done here?

Britney: Governor, I like you. You’re from NYC or as I call it, TRL. But don’t you think you ought to apologize?

Andrew: Yeah.

Britney: I’m sorry. What was that?

Andrew: I said I was sorry.

Britney: Okay, see? That wasn’t so hard. People just want answers. Bill de Blasio says you are to be investigated.

Andrew: That bird bitch son of a what? What did that bird bitch say about me? [yelling] I will bury him in the tallest grave this city has ever seen! I will hire a Hobo to Rick Moranis him so hard, he’ll think he’s back in Universal Pre-K.

Britney: Governor?

Andrew: I’m sorry, okay? I get a little angry now and then and always.

Ted: Hey, I get it. You know, me and you, we’re both kind of the same thing. We’re both strong misunderstood men.

Andrew: Do not associate yourself with me. We are not the same. I am a man, you are a clown.

Ted: I accept that. Thank you.

Andrew: And if you mess with me, I will send you to a clown hospital.

Ted: Honestly, that sounds fun.

Andrew: And when you die, I will not count your body.

Ted: No, sure. Thank you.

Britney: Alright. Now, it’s time to read a letter from a fan and see what the folks at home are curious about.

[reading a letter]

Dear Britney, are you okay?

Yes, okay. So, I get this question a lot and I am perfectly okay, everything is good. And I am not trying to send people subliminal messages through my videos.

[#FreeBritney appears for a second then cuts back to Britney]

Okay guys, my final guest was fired from the Mandalorian for something she posted on social media, please welcome actress Gina Carano.

[Gina walks in] [cheers and applause]

Hi Gina, are you here to apologize?

Gina: I’m here for the opposite of that. I’ve done nothing wrong. No one can even explain what I did wrong. Explain it.

Britney: Okay. On Instagram, you said “Conservatives have it as bad as people living in Nazi, Germany.”

Gina: Okay, congrats. You explained it. Look, I never would made that Nazi comparison if I’d known everybody was gonna be such a Nazi about it.

Britney: Do you feel like you’re a victim of cancel culture?

Gina: Yeah, absolutely. And I was canceled by Disney? Disney is the moral high ground? Have heard Brer Rabbit’s accent on the Splash Mountain rag recently?

Andrew: Well, if you die on it, they’re gonna move the body.

Ted: Ay look, I know how you feel, sweetie. I’m getting a lot of my old tweets used against me too. Yeah, we’re both in the same thing girl. Strong misunderstood women, okay?

Gina: No. Do not associate yourself with me. I am strong and you are a pile of soup. I am first class and you are coach.

Ted: Yeah, but I’m in the up grade list though.

Gina: And if you compare yourself to me, I will blast you to the farthest deserts of Tatooine.

Ted: Ay, anything to get out of Texas.

Britney: Okay. Well, that is all the time we have. But before I go, I just want to say a little prayer for a song. We need to remember that times are hard right now. People are struggling. We need to be understanding and forgiving of one another. I pray that all of you be sane and well and to be with people who make you feel loved. Isn’t that right, guys?

Andrew: [shaking head] I’m gonna cry.

Britney: So blessings to all.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.