Drug Commercial

Keith… Andrew Dismukes

Molly Shannon

Molly Kearney

Ego Nwodim

Keith: Okay, looks like our actors have arrived on set. What do you say we do this thing?

Molly: I know I’m ready.

Kearney: Yeah.

Ego: Let’s do it. Yeah.

Molly: Keath, I just wanted to say, thank you so much for letting me do this drug commercial. I’m someone who never thought much about medications until I got older. But this script is really sensitive to women’s issues, and honestly, I think will help people.

Keith: Well, thank you. I hope so too. What do you say? We’ll give it a try, huh?

Molly: I think that sounds terrific.

Keith: All right, places everybody. And action.

[music playing]

Molly: There is a new drugs for gals over 40
it’s hormone free and made just for me.
easy to use, and it’s super effective

Ego and Kearney: That’s unexpected, so what is it called?

Molly: It’s called Vagerted,
how great a name is that, it’s called Vagerted

Ego and Kearney: And where is it inserted?

Molly: I think you already know
and once Vergerted inside you, then you’re ready to go

All: Whoo!

Keith: And cut. Okay, wow. Not bad for first take, y’all.

Molly: I actually just have a concern slash question.

Keith: Oh, you don’t think it’s dignified enough?

Molly: No, that’s not it at all. I actually really love what you’re doing with Vegerted.. I was just wondering if we’re all doing it justice. Like, some of us are up here really selling it and then some of us or maybe one or two of us are not quite giving it the same energy. I don’t want to put fingers. I don’t know. I would just be so sad if people didn’t buy Vegerted because the dancing was mid.

Ego: Okay, I don’t know what that was. But I also have a question. This drug is from menopause. Right? So why doesn’t the song just come out and say that?

Keith: Well, we don’t want people to change the channel. Let’s try this next verse and get a little more energy this time.

Molly: That’s a great note. It’s a great note for everyone. [looking around]

Keith: Okay. And action.

Molly: In just one week you’ll notice the difference
insert it down there just deep as you can
no more high flashes, good bye to libido

Ego and Kearney: Well, that’s needed, what is it called?

Molly: Vegerted, that’s the name they chose
they chose Vegerted
come on girls, let’s dance

Kenan: Vegeta is not for everybody. So ask your doctor if it’s right for you. If he says no, find another doctor. Just keep going to different doctors until one of them says you can take Vegeta.

Kearney: What did he call it?

Kenan: Do not use the Vegeta if you are allergic to Vegeta. If you are allergic to peanuts, don’t you put a peanut in your Vageta.

Ego: Peanut?

Kenan: Everybody reacts differently to Vegeta. Some people like Vegeta, some people do not. I personally think Vegeta Gina very nice. Clinical trials of Vegeta have not yet been completed, in the sense that they have not yet started.

Ego: That’s not good.

Kenan: Vegeta should not be taken orally, even though it tastes real good. It is highly addictive. It gives you an alcohol like Buzz but with no hangover. I wish I had a Vegeta so I can take Vegeta. Try vagina today.

Molly: Okay, can we stop?

Ego: Yeah, he just said try vagina today. This product sounds really awful.

Molly: I’ll tell you what’s awful. Look around. It’s like one of us is Beyonce and the other two are really bad at dancing.

Kearney: What’s your problem? You were so nice at the audition.

Molly: Yeah, that’s what I do.

Ego: Okay, we’re out of here.

Kearney: Good luck, Keith, you’ll never replace us.

Molly: Well, now what do we do?

Kenan: Hit the music.

Molly: There’s a new drug for gals over 40

Kenan: It’s called va-jay-jay

Molly: I think it’s Vegerted.

Kenan: Whatever. Just dance.

Male voice: Ask your doctor if Vajayjay is right for you.

Drug Dealer

Andrew Dismukes

Devon Walker

Marcello Hernandez

Quinta Brunson

Kenan Thompson

Michael Longfellow

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with people talking inside a club’s bathroom]

Andrew: Dude, I thought this club was a little sketchy at first, but the girls here are insane.

Devon: I know. I already got like three phone numbers.

Andrew: And the only thing that would make this night a little more perfect is if we could score a little something.

Devon: You mean like, Coke?

Andrew: Yeah, man.

Devon: I don’t know.

Andrew: Why not? We’re on vacation? Right?

Devon: All right. All right. All right, but only if we can find something that’s like pure, you know I’m saying? There’s a lot of garbage going around right now.

[Marcello walks to them]

Marcello: Hey. You guys looking for some cocaine?

Andrew: What?

Marcello: I said you want to get high? Because I’m gonna make that happen.

Andrew: Wait, seriously?

Devon: I mean, is it pure?

Marcello: [mocking Devon] Is it pure? Don’t insult me, man. My product is so pure white, it’s like a bunny rabbit making snow angels on the cloud.

Andrew: Ooh, sounds good to me.

[Quinta also walks to them]

Quinta: Hey, you guys looking for cocaine?

Andrew: Oh, I think we found some already.

Marcello: Yeah, they already found some. Get lost.

Quinta: Well, my stuff is so right, it’s like Gwyneth Paltrow skiing in Utah.

Devon: Okay. Damn, I’m sold. Alright, how much for that?

Marcello: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. My cocaine is so pure white, it’s like the guy that suing Gwyneth Paltrow because he can’t enjoy wine tastings anymore.

[Kenan also walks to them]

Kenan: Ya’ll looking for some cocaine?

Quinta: No.

Marcello: They already decided, man.

Andrew: No, no, we haven’t. We’re just trying to make sure it’s pure.

Kenan: Oh, let me tell you this man. The coke that I got is so white, it’s dad seems it money every month with a rent.

Devon: Okay, I think I want that one.

Quinta: No, no, no, that is junk. This stuff right here is so white, it takes his shoes and socks off on a plane.

Marcello: No, no no, no, no, no. You don’t want that. This is what you want man. This cocaine here is whiter than season two of ‘The Wire.’

Kenan: Oh yeah? Well my coke is like …
[singing] Cut my life into pieces
this is my last resort

Quinta: Mine is like…

[singing] I chime in with a
“Haven’t you people ever heard of…”

Andrew: [singing] “…closing the goddamn door?”
Damn, no. That is white.

[Punkie also walks to them]

Punkie: Hey, you guys looking for some cocaine?

All: No, we’re good.

Marcello: We’re all set, man.

Devon: Alright, look, we’re looking for coke that’s so pure white, it got a little bottle opener on its flip flops.

Punkie: Yes, yes. My cocaine is so pure, it was written and directed by Noah Baumbach.

Devon: Wait, who the hell is Noah Baumbach?

Andrew: A poet.

Kenan: Man, that’s nothing. This cocaine I got stuff like “Oh, let me scoop right by you.”

Quinta: No, no, no, no, no. This cocaine is so white… [looks at Andrew]

Andrew: Oh, sorry. How White is it?

Quinta: Thank you. It’s so white, it stands like this admiring its lawn.

Marcello: Whatever, man. My coke is so white…

[James walks in to wash his hands]

James: Let me just scoot by you there. Okay. Toodles.

Marcello: It’s that white.

Kenan: I already said that one.

Andrew: Alright man, so what do you think?

Devon: I don’t know. I still can’t decide. Hey

Michael: Hey. [he had been hiding, standing on the wall wearing clothes as the same color of the wall.] You guys looking for some black tar heroin?

Andrew: What, no!

Michael: OH, too bad. Because I’ve got some black tar heroin that’s so black, it’s- [looks around] You know what? Maybe I shouldn’t say.

Devon: No, no, I want to hear this. Go ahead.

Kenan: Please tell us.

Quinta: I’m all ears.

Michael: Fine. I was just goona say it’s so black that is strong and equal, and we should all really give it a chance. You know, I’m not even here.

Quinta: That’s what I thought. Anyway, like I said, this coke is so white, it likes to say it’s from Chicago, but it’s from a suburb like an hour outside of Chicago.

Punkie: Well, my cocaine is 20 pairs of Yeezy sneakers.

Devon: Wait, that’s not even white.

Punkie: Ha-ha. Well, they all dirty.

Quinta: That’s pretty white.

Kenan: Damn, that’s white as hell.

Andrew: All right. All right, that’s enough. It’s all sound very white and pure. I can’t decide. So I guess we’ll take one from each.

Quinta: Okay.

Punkie: That’s fair. Alright.

Devon: Okay. And you’re absolutely sure that there’s no fentanyl in this, right?

Quinta: Well, nobody said that.

Kenan: I mean…

[all making excuses]

Jingle Pitch

Serena… Jenna Ortega

Mitchell… Mitchell Yang

Devon Walker

Chloe Fineman

Andrew Dismukes

James Austin Johnson

Serena: All right, troops. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Since breaking off from Donald’s Donalds Dominguez to form Donalds and Dominguez, we have not landed a single new client. You know why that is?

Devon: No.

Chloe: Not really.

Mitchell: It’s because Donald’s Donald’s Dominguez had a phone number that was easy to remember. And everybody in town knows their famous phone number jingle.

Serena: That’s right. We don’t have that. Mitchell, remind everyone of our number?

Mitchell: Our number is 1-672-555-0136.

Serena: What we need is to turn that number into a super catchy jingle

Chloe: But Serena there’s no way to create a catchy jingle with a number like that.

Serena: That’s where you’re wrong. My fellow partners, last Tuesday, Mitchell and I were at Luciano’s.

Mitchell: And yeah, I was drinking. No, I was getting tanked.

Serena: Mitchell got tanked at Luciano. But then this band got up on the stage and sang the catchiest pop funk hooks I had ever heard. Come on in guys.

[two guys walk in]

Andrew: Hey there.

James: Hello lawyers.

Andre: We are Soul Booth.

Serena: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Soul Booth. And they’re here to save us.

Andrew: Worked out a few demos for you.

James: Yeah, we heard you needed a pop funk hook that’ll stick on the mind leg grapevines.

Andrew: Maybe something like this. Here we go. Do you remember this one.

James: I do man.

Andrew: Ha-ha. Here we go. Come on.

[music playing]

Both: [singing] One.
Six-seven
Whoo!
Two.
Then three straight fives.
The next number is 0.
One.
Three.
And six.
Who you’re gonna call?
Who you’re gonna call?
Who you’re gonna call?
Donalds and Dominguez
Donalds and Dominguez

Serena: Guys. I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s gonna work for us.

Andrew: Uh-huh. And why is that?

Serena: It just doesn’t sound like what we heard at Luciano’s.

Andrew: Oh. You want that Luciano’s sound?

James: Yeah, you want it Luched?

Mitchell: Yes. This track should make me feel like I’m pegged up at Luch. Understood?

James: Loud and clear.

Andrew: Crystal.

Devon: Yeah, and the numbers should be closer together.

Chloe: Yeah, I think the numbers should be much closer together.

Andrew: Uh-huh. So it’ll be something like this. Ha-ha. You know this one?

James: I do, man.

Andrew: All right. Come on. Here we go. Here we go.

Both: 1-672-555-0136
Donalds and Dominguez

Serena: Guys, come on. That’s totally wrong. And you call that a Luched-up track?

Mitchell: I should feel five daiquiris deep posted u at Luch right now.

Serena: What is so hard about that?

Mitchell: What is so hard about writing a jingle that feels like I’m getting decked down in the back Luch? Ringing back to cut me off but then not barback with the glasses looking like Mayim Bialik that’s making the act up. What’s so hard about that?

Serena: Can you do that?

Andrew: Yes, ma’am.

James: Can do.

Devon: Okay. Yeah. And the number should be presented somewhat like a phone number.

Chloe: Or just anywhere near that would be great.

James: I think we might have just the thing.

Andrew: Absolutely. Let’s take a trip y’all. Everybody. I want to take you somewhere. Somewhere where there is no race, no religion. A little place we call home. But you may know as Luciano’s. Here we go. Here we go.

Both: 16,725,550,136

Andrew: One more time, that feels so good.

Both: 16,725,550,136

Andrew: So, what do you think?

Serena: Mitchell, did they do it? Is it Luci?

Mitchell: Serena, not only can I now perfectly recall the phone number of our law office, but more importantly, I feel absolutely ass-out, daked down, and looched up. My only question is how much?

Both: $10,000.

Mitchell: Less.

Both: 40 each.

Mitchell: Deal.

All: 16,725,550,136

Exorcism

Father… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Andrew Dismukes

Claire… Jenna Ortega

Mrs. Shaw…Ego Nwodim

Frank… Kenan Thompson

Chloe: Father, can you save her? Can you save my daughter?

Father: I need Father Murphy? I can’t perform an exorcism alone.

[Claire is possessed]

Claire: You will rot in hell.

Andrew: Honey, hear my voice. I know you’re still in there, Claire.

[door knocking]

Chloe: Did someone just knock on our door?

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, hello. It’s the middle of the night. What is all the ruckus?

Chloe: Oh Father, this is our upstairs neighbor Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, and I should have been asleep 45 minutes ago. But I guess you all decided to throw a party on a Tuesday.

Father: This isn’t a party, Mrs. Shaw.

Andrew: It’s our daughter. She’s been possessed.

Chloe: We’re waiting for Father Murphy.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, don’t no one have to wait for him. I’ll do it.

Chloe: Do what?

Mrs. Shaw: The exorcism, I’m getting my sleep tonight.

[Claire is screaming]

[Mrs. Shaw also screams in the same way]

Mrs. Shaw: See, I can do it too, okay? You don’t scare me sweetie.

Father; You should be careful. You’re in over your head.

Mrs. Shaw: In over my head? You know I have been a crossing guard at Nasaau and Edge Mont for 40 years. That’s six lanes. Every day, I’m the only thing stopping 300 mean fifth graders from getting sent straight to hell by UPS truck. Now where the cross at? Give it here. Give it here.

[Father gives the cross to Mrs. Shaw.]

Okay hello. [Claire screaming] Okay, you need to get out. [Claire screaming] Uh-uh, use your words.

Claire: Suck my butt.

Mrs. Shaw: No ma’am, I don’t do all that. I tossed salad once, and I was like, “Um-um, this ain’t for me.”

Chloe: Maybe we should just wait for the priest, Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I need to get my eight hours. [Claire starts levitating] Oh-oh, where is she going?

Claire: You’re going to hell, you stupid whore.

Mrs. Shaw: Stupid what now? Oh honey, you’re gonna have to do much better than that. Yesterday a third grader called me “A used up skank.” What else you got? Come on.

Claire: You’re an ugly- um.. umm…

Mrs. Shaw: Umm… Umm… what? Look at your stuttering. Now sit down baby before I turn on the ceiling fan. [Claire falls down] That’s what thought.

Andrew: My god, is it working?

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, it is. That is exactly what I thought.

Claire: Let me out.

Father: She’s expelling the demon. Quick. We’ll need a new vessel.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh okay good, I got you. I got you a vessel, all right. [walks to the window and screams upstairs] Frank! Get down here, Frank!

Frank: Woman, what do you want? I’m trying to sleep.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, you kind of asleep, but you’re talking. [Claire starts levitating again] A little girl. your ass better not be levitating back there. [Claire falls down again]

Claire: Sorry, Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Thank you baby.

Frank: Waking my ass up at 9pm in the middle of the night.

Mrs. Shaw: We doing an exorcism, Frank.

Frank: Yeah, well I shoulda been asleep 47 minutes ago.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, we know, baby. Now you gotta be a vessel for this demon.

Frank: Well, I want to do that.

Mrs. Shaw: Frank, if you don’t do it I’m a counselor sex date next week.

Frank: Oh, okay. Found my weak spot. Let me get situated first. All right. Come on now, demon. Do you worst. [Frank gets posses for a second, then continues reading the magazine.]

Claire: Oh my god. Mom, dad, what just happened? Why are the Shaws in our house? Shouldn’t they be asleep?

Chloe: Oh, my God. Mrs. Shaw, we can’t thank you enough.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, it’s all good. Y’all sleep tight now. Come on, Frank. Frank.

[Frank’s head is spinning around]

Frank: Ah! I don’t like this.

Video Game Session

Stephen… Andrew Dismukes

Trace…Michael B. Jordan

Danny… Bowen Yang

Frank… Mikey Day

Marcello Hernandez

Stephen: Okay, guys, thank you for being here to lay down some voiceover for the much anticipated Street Fighter 6 game.

Trace: Excited to be here. Thanks.

Danny: Thrilled to be on board. Whoo!

Stephen: And thanks for coming in last minute, Danny. Our last actor Frank quit due to creative differences. And because I slept with his wife.

Marcello: Argh, actors.

Stephen: I know. So Trace, you’ll be playing Ken, a former US national fighting champ.

Trace: I’m totally in my element. I served for years.

Stephen: And Danny you are a martial artist seeking true strength, Ryu.

Danny: Whoo, love.

Stephen: All right, well, for this first take, let’s just get both of you recording efforts. Taking blows, landing hits, that kind of thing.

Marcello: I’m rolling.

Stephen: And action.

Trace: Uh, ugh, ah, hah, hai-yah, urghh.

Stephen: Yes, that’s great. Danny, let’s get the same from you.

Danny: Okay. Whoo! Wohoo! Ah-woo! Yay! Whoo!

Stephen: Let’s cut. Let’s cut.

Danny: That was really fun. Thanks for letting me play.

Stephen: Yeah, so I guess we were looking for more grunts, you know? You’re fighting, you’re in pain.

Danny: Oh, I see. [looking at Trace] So maybe do it like you’re fighting or you’re in pain.

Trace: Okay, got it. Got it. Got it.

Stephen: No, no, Trace. You don’t need to change what you were doing. But Danny, maybe it’s more aggressive, animalistic, that kind of thing.

Danny: Hmm, yes, Chef.

Stephen: All right. And Action.

Trace: Ugh!

Danny: Whoo!

Trace: Uh!

Danny: Aru!

Trace: Huuuh!

Danny: Woof!

Trace: Wouf!

Danny: Wouf! Wouf!

Trace: Hoof! Hoof!

Danny: Meow!

Trace: Oink!

Danny: Snake!

Trace: Ka-ka-doo-doo.

Stephen: Cut. Okay, no. Trace, don’t match what he’s doing.

Trace: Oh, okay. He’s just an amazing scene partner. So.

Danny: Thank you. And I was just taking your note. You said to do animals.

Stephen: Yeah, but I said a bunch of stuff before that.

Danny: Well, I have auditory recency bias. So you can’t say that to me. I could sue you.

Trace: Okay guys, guys. Please don’t fight. It reminds me of the war and of fighting.

Stephen: You know what? Let’s just move on. We need to get these quick verbal phrases to say during the fight. And action.

Trace: Take that.

Danny: Hey, I like your necklace.

Trace: What? This old thing? Thanks.

Danny: See? Kindness wins.

Trace: You’re right. Let’s not fight it.

Danny: Yay, I forgot to ask. What are your pronouns?

Trace: He/him.

Stephen: Cut.

Danny: I’ll tell him. Ken is he/they.

Stephen: Guys? We can’t use any of that.

Danny: Aww, that makes me sad. Is there a reason?

Stephen: Yes, it’s because no one sounds like that when they fight.

Trace: That’s actually not true. I mean, you remind me exactly as someone I served with in Iraq.

Danny: Oh, you went to Iraq? Where did you stay?

Stephen: Dan! Didn’t want to say this, but you just need to play a more hetero.

Danny: Okay, you should have just said that in the beginning. I got it. Let’s roll. Hey, brother, Ken, biceps looking huge.

Trace: You looking pretty swole yourself, bro.

Danny: I saw you changing in the locker room, but I was completely soft my dude.

Trace: How the hell do you know my name?

Danny: Hey, easy brother. My wife’s on this app.

Stephen: What are you talking about? This isn’t an app.

Danny: It’s a video game? Well, then brother. I’ll race you to the GameCube brother.

Stephen: What? Danny, Dan. Answered me honestly. Do you really think you would sound like this in a real fight?

Danny: Yes, I would brother.

[Frank walks in]

Stephen: Oh my god. Frank. What are you doing here?

Frank: I told you I’ll kill you for sleeping with my wife.

Trace: No. I’ll protect you. [pushing Frank] Ugh!

Danny: [hitting Frank] Whoo!

Trace: [slapping Frank] Ugh!

Danny: [pushing Frank] Meow!

Male voice: KO!

Stephen: Well, I’ll be damned. You two just saved my life.

Danny: No, Stephen, Ken and Ryu saved your life.

Male Confidence Seminar

Andrew Dismukes

Ron… Bowen Yang

Devon Walker

James Austin Martin

Michael B. Jordan

Michael Longfellow

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with a number of adult males in a confidence seminar]

Andrew: Say it again.

Ron: I’m strong. I’m desirable. People want to have sex with me.

Andrew: Now roar like a lion.

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Louder!

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Wow. Give it up for Ron everybody. Yes, I have chills. See? That’s what male charisma training is all about. Confidence. You see, I used to be a lot like you guys. Awkward, hated my body, walked around like this. But then I developed my social Mastery program. And now look at me. I stand like an alpha. I’ve got the scarf. I effing made it.

[everybody claps]

You. You’ve taken my class before, yes?

Devon: Yes, sir. Three times. Yeah. And I have an update. Actually, I got a girlfriend now.

Andrew: Hell, yes. What was your approach?

Devon: Well, she’s not a girlfriend. You know, she’s actually like a barista. So.

Andrew: Oh. But hey, introduce yourself, right?

Devon: No, sir.

Andrew: So you saw girl at a coffee shop? Cool round of applause for him. That’s not nothing, folks. That’s not nothing. Yes, a question in the back.

[Michael is there carrying a jar of water]

Michael: Yeah. Where do you want this water delivery?

Andrew: I don’t know. Dude, do I look like I work for the hotel?

[everybody laughing]

Michael: Oh, okay. My apologies. [he’s looking for a place to put it]

Andrew: You, question?

James: Yeah. I’m pretty lonely. I have a job. I feel like I’m doing everything right. I just get nervous that women are going to make fun of me if I approach them.

Andrew: Mm-hmm. And what do you do for work?

James: I critique female stand ups on YouTube.

Andrew: Sure, sure. Look, after one session here, nothing will rattle you. Okay? Watch this. Anybody out there? Anybody. Say the meanest thing you can think of me? Anybody?

Michael: [sitting quietly at the back] Forehead.

Andrew: Sorry, what does that even mean?

Michael: Forehead.

Andrew: Okay, sure. It’s just funny because I don’t like to have weird forehead.

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Just keep talking, goofy.

Andrew: I’m not goofy. I’m actually regular. All right? Listen, when you approach a lady what you want to do is you want to take an alpha body stance. Broad shoulders.

Michael: Hmm, broad forehead.

Andrew: Sir! Sir, I’m fine if you stay. Just don’t interrupt me, please.

Michael: No, I might. I might.

Andrew: Okay, look, no matter what a lady throws at you, and they can say some pretty random stuff. Just roll with it. I’ll show you any volunteer. [Michael and James stand up] Oh, I think you stood up first, sir? [pointing at James]

Michael: Bro, if you’re cool with it, you know what I’m saying, you don’t mind if I do this, right?

James: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah. Yeah. See, Dexter’s Lab was cool with it. Go ahead, goofy.

Andrew: Not goofy. All right. I’m going to do what I call a basic opening. Hey, Goddess, what’s your name?

Michael: You a bitch.

Andrew: Hey. Hey. Just do the exercise. What’s your name?

Michael: Forehead Jackson.

Andrew: It’s not. Please sit down here.

Michael: Um, nah. I’m good here.

Andrew: That’s fine. Any final questions?

Mike: Yeah, I was wondering if you have any tips on coping with having a big old forehead?

Michael: I don’t have a big old forehead, okay? Not like you, dude. I’m cool. Got the scarf, the rings. You know, I’m in charge like immediately.

Michael: You got to Jimmy Neutron head, bro.

Marcello: He kinda does.

Andrew: No. No, my head’s regular. Not Jimmy Neutron.

James: Yeah, it’s like if Jimmy Neutron if he did street magic, that’s you.

Andrew: No, it’s not. Dammit.

Michael: Actually, actually, look. Y’all want to go get a burger? I feel like I could teach you some things.

[everyone agrees]

Andrew: Where are you guys going? I want to come too.

King Brothers Toyota

Randy… Andrew Dismukes

Shorty… James Austin Johnson

Brian… Michael B. Jordan

Randy: Hey there folks, I’m Randy King of King Brothers Toyota.

Shorty: And I’m shorting King Jr. And we are overstocked with Tacomas, Siennas, Corollas and even Highlanders, all at rock bottom prices as part of our King Brothers Toyota overstocked sale-a-thon!

Randy: So come on down to King Brothers Toyota off highway exit 260 Because deals like this don’t come often.

Shorty: Get your butt down the King Brothers Toyota right here in beautiful Brenham, Texas, off highway eight exit 260. Take the left lane.

Randy: You gotta get hard in that left lane. Because if you stay even one second in the right lane, you’ll get stuck in the massive overflow line for the new raising Cane’s.

Shorty: This restaurant is prohibitively popular y’all. The line backs up to the light onto the off ramp and into the highway. Do not stay in the right lane.

Randy: Hard. Hard left, y’all! Hard to the left when you take 260 or you’ll miss

Both: King Brothers Toyota overstock sale-a-thon.

Shorty: Why are we overstocked? I’m telling you why? Because nobody can get here due to the stupid long Cane’s line taking up all that road.

Randy: We have been absolutely screwed by the Brenham Chamber of Commerce, and their villain his patron Councilman Hugo Gallegos.

Shorty: Since taking office in May, Hugo Gallegos has defiled exit 260 with the Chipotle, In-n-out burgers, and now Raising Cane’s chicken finger baskets.

Randy: These trendy chains all come with their own massive drive thru lines managed only by a handful of any factual iPad teens.

Shorty: We are deep in the red folks, which is why corporate has sent us the nation’s best, most jacked Toyota salesman Brian Pat Moore.

Brian: These two are afraid to get their hands dirty, but not Brian Pat Moore. So Raising Cane’s, you have 24 hours to shut down your Burnham location. If you do not comply each hour, I will reveal to the public one ingredient to the secret recipe of your legendary Cane sauce. Don’t believe me? Check this out. Ketchup.

[Brian leaves]

Randy: We are drowning in Tacomas and we are trapped here. We literally cannot leave due to the longest hell Cane’s line.

Shorty: I personally have missed so many family events. Things like nieces christening, first daughter’s recital, and even little JC as Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls at the middle school.

Randy: I now speak directly to the coward Hugo Gallegos. You have defiled the ones beautiful exit 260, and if the big as Cane’s line is allowed to stand, King Brother’s Toyota will fall.

Shorty: My daughter Haley is a classics professor at Princeton community college, and she has described our plight as a funhouse mirror held up against the American dream. I said “I don’t know about all that baby girl. All I know is I’m getting effed in the A my Councilman Hugo Gallegos.”

Rando: But all is not lost, because we have sales warrior in Christ, Brian Pat Moore.

Brian: Well, well well. It seems the Fat Cat at Cane’s think this is some kind of game. Well, Brian Pat Moore don’t play no games. Next ingredient, pepper. And the clock begins anew. Tick-tock, Cane’s. Tick-tock.

Shorty: So come on down because time is running out.

Both: For King Brothers Toyota overstock sale-a-thon.

Male voice: King Brothers Toyota, off highway 9, exit 260, hard into that left lane. Get in that left lane hard. Hard to the left.

Falling Down

Michael B. Jordan

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Michael B. Jordan walking in SNL office.]

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I’m feeling good.

Bowen: Hey, Michael. Looking good.

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I’m hosting Saturday Night Live.

Sarah: Michael. I think you’re so cool.

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] It’s scary. But I’m Michael B. Jordan. There’s no reason to be nervous.

[Michael B. Jordan slips and falls down]

Ouff, no one saw me.

[Andrew is standing behind him]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

Michael B. Jordan: Yeah. I’m good.

Andrew: All right. Be careful.

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] Oh, okay. Little embarrassing, but at least it’s just Andrew Dismukes. It’s not like Kenan saw him before. It’s all good. I will not fall again. [slips and falls again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

Michael B. Jordan: Andrew, I didn’t see you there.

Andrew: It looked like it hurt.

Michael B. Jordan: It didn’t really.

Andrew: It looked like it did though. Are you okay? You want me to get the Nurse? Nurse? Michael B. Jordan just fell down again.

Michael B. Jordan: I said I was fine.

[Michael B. Jordan is looking at the mirror angrily]

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] This Andrew Dismukes guy’s getting in my head. A Michael B. Jordan. I need to never fall over ever again. [slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: Timber! You okay though?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

Michael B. Jordan: Andrew, stop seeing me fall down.

Andrew: Hey, man, I’m at work. You don’t want me to see you fall down, quit falling down where I work?

Michael B. Jordan: Whatever, just leave me alone.

Andrew: All right, bud. Just be careful. Okay.

[Andrew is walking to his office whistling. He turns on the light, there’s Bowen and Sarah sitting on the couch.]

Andrew: Hey, guys.

Bowen: Andrew, sit down.

Sarah: You have to stop seeing Michael B. Jordan fall down.

Andrew: I can’t help it. Sometimes he falls and I see.

Sarah: Andrew, when somebody falls down, you have to pretend like you didn’t see it.

Andrew: Well, I didn’t know that. Nobody told me that. You can’t get mad at me for something I didn’t know.

Michael B. Jordan: Guys. What’s going on?

Andrew: Nothing. And hey, next time you have a problem with me, at least have the cojones to say it to my face, instead of sending your lackeys to do your dirty work for you.

Michael B. Jordan: I didn’t tell him anything. All I said was that you keep seeing me fall.

Andrew: Well guess what? Sometimes you fall, and sometimes I there.

Michael B. Jordan: Well then, maybe you shouldn’t be around me at all then. Maybe you should leave and never come back.

Andrew: Whatever, man. I’m done. Done.

[Andrew leaves and Sarah stars crying]

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I couldn’t believe what I had done. I pushed away my best friend at the show, Andrew Dis-moe. After everything you’ve been through. Monday pitch in Lorne’s office. Tuesday, writing night. When Andrew got cut from a sketch because he did a bad job. Just throw it all away because he saw me fall down a lot? The show was about to start, but I couldn’t do it without him.

Female voice: Three minutes to air. Where is Michael? Anyone have eyes on Michael B. Jordan?

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I knew there was only one way to bring him back. [he runs outside the studio to get Andrew]

Michael B. Jordan: [falling down intentionally] I’m falling. Where are you, Andrew?

Andrew: I’m here. And we’re not falling. We’re flying.

[They’re flying around the building]

Morning Announcements

Sister Clarence… Molly Kearney

Sister Cecelia… Aubrey Plaza

Christopher O’Malley… Andrew Dismukes

Sister Clarence: Good morning St. Christopher O’Malleys High School. I’m Sister Clarence with your morning announcements. And joining me as always, is my best friend. The woman who puts the fun in nun, the walkie, Sister Cecilia.

Sister Cecelia: Hello.

Sister Clarence: All right. Well, it’s Monday, and I had an interesting weekend. I finally watched Mr. Cecilia’s favorite film, “A star is born”. I thought it was about to the birth of Christ. Turns out it’s about Lady Gaga. How was your weekend sister?

Sister Cecelia: A hairdryer fell into the bathtub I was in it. I died for two minutes. Now, I’m questioning everything.

Sister Clarence: Moving on. Today’s lunch special is Tighty Joes. They’re like Sloppy Joes but they’re less messy. Sister Cecilia, what do we have for dessert?

Sister Cecelia: When I was dead, I didn’t see heaven.

Sister Clarence: Maybe it was just closed for Martin Luther King Day.

Sister Cecelia: No, it was a Saturday.

Sister Clarence: Moving on. Let’s go to a student question. This one comes from 11th grader, Katherine Cochran. Is the Easter Bunny Jesus’s pet or his boyfriend? Great question. And the answer is detention. Isn’t that right, Sister Cecilia?

Sister Cecelia: I’m going to have sex tonight.

Sister Clarence: No, you’re not. No you’re not. [There’s a TV graphic saying “I’m going to have sex tonight”.] Tina. Why would you put that in the graphics?

Tina: Sorry, mom. I mean, sister. Noooo.

Sister Cecelia: I’m going back to the dark place.

Sister Clarence: No, you’re not.

Sister Cecelia: Yes, I am. Come with me.

Sister Clarence: I can’t.

Sister Cecelia: Yes, you can.

Sister Clarence: I shan’t.

Sister Cecelia: You’ve done it before. You can do it again.

Sister Clarence: Moving on. We’re gonna carry on with our joke Monday. We have class clown and certified gas man, Christopher O’Malley. I can’t wait to see what he’s got today. Take it away, Christopher. Come on, Christopher. Here’s your moment. [Christopher is nervous] You literally begged me to do this. Remember the joke you said the other day? What do women be doing?

Sister Cecelia: Dying and say nothing.

Sister Clarence: No. Sister women be shopping.

Christopher O’Malley: Hey, you stole my Joke.

Sister Cecelia: The scaling is okay now, Christopher O’Malley, and so as margin 69-ing.

Sister Clarence: Sister!

Sister Cecelia: I want to try it.

Sister Clarence: No, you don’t.

Sister Cecelia: Yes, I do. And therapy. And laser tag.

Sister Clarence: Sister, get ahold yourself. You can’t let go to your faith.

Sister Cecelia: Why?

Sister Clarence: Because that means you’re letting go of me. And you’re my best friend. And I had it all planned out that after we died, we would go to heaven and hang out every day.

Sister Cecelia:There is still heaven.

Sister Clarence: See if you’re still saying that after you hear me sing some Lady Gaga. Tina track seven.

Tina: Right away, dad. Oh, that’s worse.

Sister Clarence: [singing] Tell me something, sis
Without God would we exist?
No
You’re stuck in no not
But I’ll still love you no matter what

Sister Cecelia: I’m off the deep end
here still with best friend

Sister Clarence: I’ll visit you in hell

The Black Lotus

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

James Austin Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Punkie Johnson

Sarah Sherman

Aubrey Plaza

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Chloe walking into a hotel]

Kenan: Welcome, ma’am, checking in?

Chloe: Yes, I am. It’s just- Oh, gosh, I forgot my credit card. I must have left it in the limousine. Is that okay? Can you trust me?

Kenan: No, I can’t.

Chloe: I’ll have it in a couple of hours.

Kenan: Well then come back in a couple of hours. All right? I don’t know you. I’m trying to run a business.

Male voice: Coming soon to HBO, Black Lotus. All the decadence, all the intrigue. None of the foolishnness.

James: These two ladies are going to be visiting me over the next couple of days. So if you just go ahead and give them a key.

Ego: Yes, sir. Ay William, give these whores a spare key to the room.

James: Could you please talk little quiet.

Ego: Okay, William, you see this man right here? He didn’t come with nobody so he wants these hoes to come and go as they please. Everybody, treat these house like their regular people.

Kenan: Sir, You do realize that giving them a key allows them to charge anything they want to the room?

James: Yes, it’s fine. It’s fine.

Kenan: Oh, it’s fine. Oh, okay, so you rich-rich then.

Male voice: Eight wealthy tourists, one luxury hotel and a staff with no time for this nonsense.

Punkie: Sir, will your friends be joining us or is he still upstairs fucking your wife? Hah! I got next.

Sarah: Can we borrow Vespa scooter overnight?

Kenan: Oh, we don’t have scooters, ma’am. But I could offer you the hotel’s 1999 Chrysler 300. A baby is the car back?

Aubrey: Why don’t you go look yourself?

Kenan: Because you as the last one to take it out.

Aubrey: Does he look like I’m still out?

Sarah: Jack is taking me out to the countryside today.

Ego: To the countryside? Didn’t you all just meet?

Sarah: Yeah. Crazy, right?

Michael: We’re going on an adventure.

Ego: How nice, y’all enjoy now okay? Bye-bye. He gonna kill her.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

Male voice: Guests that have everything. And a staff that’s had enough.

Chloe: Hi. Excuse me. I’m sorry. I’m having a bit of a crisis. Do you know where I can find your psychic or fortune teller?

Ego: A fortune teller? Not in here. This is Jesus’s house.

Marcello: I just can’t believe it. I give her $50,000 and she totally played me.

Aubrey: Oh my god. What is wrong with you? What did you think will happen? There’s plenty of hoes out there who’ve never slept with your papi at school. [foreign language] For that kind of money, I will let you take me for a throw but you will know what to do with a real ass.

Male voice: Black Lotus, each season at a new exotic location. Like Atlanta, Washington DC, and It’ly.

Heidi: Hey, beautiful. You’ll let me sing tonight. Right? I’m good. I promise I won’t let you down.

Ego: Oh, you want to sing? You think you can replace Kenny in the Kirk Franklin lounge?

Heidi: You know what? I think I’ll sit this one out.

Ego: I think that’d be best. Yeah.

Andrew: I paid for the Coppa suite, so I should get the Coppa suite. I don’t understand why that’s so damn hard?

Kenan: Sir, it’s like I told you. It’s just not available.

Andrew: Well then make it available, moron.

Aubrey: Oh no, you’re not gonna do that. No, no, no, no, no, no no. [Aubrey runs and hits Andrew] [foreign language]

Andrew: Oh my god.

Kenan: Welcome to Black Lotus bitch.

Male voice: Black Lotus, bring your hopes, bring your designers. Don’t you dare bring an attitude.

Police: Folks, found a body on the beach. Did anybody see anything?

Kenan: That ain’t none of my business.

Devon: I know nothing about that.

Police: So no one saw body wash up from the ocean?

Ego: is the ocean to hotel because I work at the hotel?

Male voice: Black Lotus, coming to HBO and Stars spring 2023.