Headshots

Dustin… Michael Longfellow

Photographer… Andrew Dismukes

Grandpa… Michael Longfellow

Colin Farrell

[Starts with Dustin walking into the studio]

Dustin: Hey, I’m here for the head shots. You’re the photographer?

Photographer: No, I just like standing next to cameras. I’m kidding. I’m funny. Sit over there, we’ll get started.

Dustin: So, I brought in a couple of different looks. Nothing crazy. But…

Grandpa: Dustin? Dustin?

Dustin: Grandpa, what are you doing?

Grandpa: You forgot your fedora in the car. I thought you might need it for your little acting photos.

Dustin: They’re called head shots, grandpa. I’m sorry about him.

Grandpa: Oh, I see. I’ve interrupted. My apologies. I’ll shove off.

Photographer: Wait. I don’t mean to be weird, but there’s something very special about you.

Grandpa: Who me? [smiling] No.

Photographer: Yes, you must let me take your photo.

Grandpa: Oh, I don’t know. I’ve never had my picture taken before. [wears the hat]

Dustin: What about me?

Photographer: You can move your huge ass. Please, sir. Stand over there. [Grandpa throws the hat at Dustin and stands on the set] All right, here we go. Show me brooding. Yes, yes. Now get your smile on. Oh yes. Now, bite that lip and pop that hip. Yes, sir! Okay, now how about we do a silly one? Um-hmm. Yes. That was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’ve seen Seinfeld.

Dustin: Is it my turn yet?

Photographer: Sounds like you jealous that your boyfriend is the real star.

Grandpa: That’s my grandpa.

Photographer: Shut up. Please, sir, a few more. Okay. You ski. Oh! God, man. That is exactly what skiing looks like. Now, how about cute shy boy? Aww, why so shy, cute boy? Come on out of that shell, won’t you? More. Yes, more, more. Come on. Yes, correct. Yes, that is exactly right.

Dustin: What am I supposed to be doing?

Photographer: How about you write a book about the time I saw your grandpa for the first time? Now, where were we?

Grandpa: No, we’ve had a laugh. But I think it’s time for this old man to go.

Photographer: No, no. Don’t you understand? The world needs to see what I see.

Grandpa: But you really think that if people saw this plain old face, there’d be no more war?

Photographer: Exactly.

Dustin: What?

[Colin Farrell walks in]

Colin Farrell: Hi, Colin Farrell here to get some head shots. I can come back later.

Photographer: Wait. This is gonna sound so weird. But there’s something very special about you.

Colin Farrell: Me? No.

Photographer: This is a crazy idea, but would you go stand next to him? Please? [Colin Farrell walks next to Grandpa] Um-hmm. Yes. Ah, yes. Just as I suspecte,d it works. Would you indulge me?

Colin Farrell: I don’t know. I’ve never had my picture taken before.

Dustin: That’s a lie.

Photographer: Silence. All right, boys, this changed the world. Okay. You’re buddies but sometimes you don’t get along. Oh, yes! Now, one of you is the president and one of you is meeting the President. Come on. Oh. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Finally. Double cute shy boy. Oh my god. Yes. [on the phone] Hello, Tiger Beat magazine? It’s your cousin Marvin Tiger Beat magazine. You know that sound you’ve been looking for? Well listen to this.

[cut to front page of Tiger beat magazine with Grandpa and Colin Farrell’s picture]

Dustin: Okay, is it my turn now?

ManningCast Cold Open

Peyton Manning… Miles Teller

Eli Manning… Andrew Dismukes

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Lawyer… Chloe Fineman

Kristi Noem… Heidi Gardner

Michael Longfellow

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Xi Jinping… Bowen Yang

Corn kid… Devon Walker

Shaun White

[Starts with intro of Monday Night football with Peyton & Eli] [cut to Peyton Manning and Eli Manning on split screen]

Peyton Manning: Hey everybody, I’m Peyton Manning. [cheers and applause]

Eli Manning: And I’m Eli Manning, his brother.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I think they know we’re brothers because the same last name.

Eli Manning: Oh, yeah.

Peyton Manning: Now this is our Manning Cast where we do live analysis of what’s already playing on TV. Normally we do it during Monday Night Football.

Eli Manning: Yeah, but tonight it’s not Monday. It’s Saturday.

Peyton Manning: Great insight, Eli.

Eli Manning: Yeah. So instead of football, we decided to check out the season premiere of SNL.

Peyton Manning: There are a lot of changes at the show, which couldn’t be exciting. Let’s see what they spent the entire summer coming up with.

Eli Manning: Okay, we got an establishing shot of Mar-a-Lago.

Peyton Manning: Oh, good Trump sketch. Way to mix it up.

[SNL sketch is being played at the right hand side of the screen]

Lawyer: Mr. President, as your lawyer, I don’t think we should be hiding during a hurricane.

Donald Trump: Actually, it’s the safest place I’ve been in two years. There’s no lawyers, no FBI. I’m in my happy place.

Eli Manning: Okay, not bad.

Lawyer: A few guests wanted to say hello, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Please call me current president.

Eli Manning: Why are guests visiting during a hurricane?

Peyton Manning: All right, now it looks like we got a rookie leading the senior cast member into the room. Probably go to run a simple “Right this way, ma’am.”

[Kristi Noem and Michael  walk into the office]

Michael : Right this way, ma’am.

Eli Manning: Telegraphed it.

Peyton Manning: Oh, and he doesn’t close the door behind them. Now, now he’s trying to fix it. The new guys fully panicking. He’s just staring at the camera.

Eli Manning: Oh god. And you know what? That might be the only time we see him tonight.

Peyton Manning: Let’s see what Heidi’s got. She’s never let me down.

Lawyer: Sir, the governor of South Dakota is here.

Kristi Noem: Hello, I’m Governor Kristi Noem and I [in funny Italian accent] want to take your abortion rights.

Peyton Manning: And she let me down.

Eli Manning: Okay. Timeout. What the hell was that?

Peyton Manning:  The governor of South Dakota, a political impression that no one asked for? What about fun impression like Anthony Fauci or Lindsey Graham or Rudy Giuliani?

Eli Manning: No, those are all Kate McKinnon.

Peyton Manning: Damn.

Kristi Noem: I also want to say Happy early Columbus Day, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, we love Columbus, don’t we? Sailed right up the edge of the world but landed in Haiti and got to work.

Peyton Manning: I got to point out where’s the balance politically? They’re making Trump Columbus jokes. Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s lost his damn marbles. They’re not even gonna mention that?

Eli Manning: Oh, hold that thought Don Jr. is coming in.

Donald Trump Jr. : [walks in with a lifejacket and an oars] Dad, I hate to cut the party short. But we should really get out of here. The President of China can only hold so many nuclear secrets.

Xi Jinping: [holding a nuclear book] Let’s just say I’m happier than when the Queen’s Corgis found out they weren’t going with Prince Andrew.

Peyton Manning: Okay, okay, that confused me. And did Bowen say Corgi? Does he not know it’s pronounced Cordy?

Eli Manning: Yeah, it’s a surprising fumble from the veteran Yang. He was supposed to take a step up this year, but you can tell the pressure is getting to him.

Peyton Manning: Meanwhile, looks like Sarah Sherman is just peeking in the window trying to watch the sketch.

Eli Manning: And now she’s realized she’s caught and tries to make a smooth exit. Wow. I mean, they’re all professionals. But so are the New York Jets.

Peyton Manning: This shows in the rebuild near for sure. Let’s take a look at the stats so far. 14 attempted jokes this episode only, one mild laugh and three chuckles.

Eli Manning: Yeah, and you know Peyton, I heard they stay up till Kristi Noemam writing this show.

Peyton Manning: When do they start writing the show? 4:30? Thank god they’ve got Kendrick Lamar, because that’s the only reason anyone is tuning in.

Eli Manning: Alright, let’s check back in on their little skit.

Donald Trump: Now President Xi, you’re not helping out Vladimir Putin are you? Because as Brandi told Monica, the boy is mine?

Xi Jinping: Hey, it is what it is. Am I right? It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Wait, wait, wait. Is he trying to make that a catchphrase? It is what it is?

Eli Manning: Oh god. Look, he’s saying it’s a camera now.

Xi Jinping: It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Desperate stuffs. Anyway, joining us now is a three time host of SNL during what now seems like a golden era. Jon Hamm. [Jon Hamm appears on the screen] John, what have you seen so far tonight?

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. But it’s not comedy. I mean, they haven’t even used Kenan yet. That’s like putting a whole team of Eli’s on the field. You’ve got Peyton sitting on the sidelines. No offence, Eli.

Eli Manning: Oh no, I agree.

Peyton Manning: And what about new cast? Anyone you’re excited about?

Jon Hamm: Well, I’ve been scouting Devon Walker at local bar shows for years and I think the kid’s really got something.

Peyton Manning: Well, here comes this chance.

Lawyer: Sir, the corn kid is here to see you.

[Corn kid walks in with a corn in his hands]

Corn kid: It’s corn. It’s got the juice.

Eli Manning: Oh hell no. Corn kid? Devin Walker’s first appearance on national TV and they got him doing corn kid?

Peyton Manning: Pity you.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, it could be worse. It looks like they got Molly and Marcelo doing the gritty.

Eli Manning: It’s a humiliating attempt of relevance.

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. Maybe this is strategic, like what a sports team takes to get a better draft pick next year.

Lawyer: And sir, this special master from the classified documents investigation is here. He finished reviewing your docket.

Shaun White: I’ve decided they’re all awesome.

Peyton Manning: Shaun White? That is just gratuitous stunt casting.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, you know, sometimes they need to bring in a real celebrity when the host isn’t that famous.

Peyton Manning: Right.

Jon Hamm: I mean, when they couldn’t get the star of the big summer movie or Tom Cruise or your Jon Hamm, they had to get the co star.

Peyton Manning: Well, I heard they rarely put the host in cold open, so when they do, it is special.

Jon Hamm:  Special or is it desperate?

Peyton Manning: All right. Thanks for stopping by Jon. I know Jon’s got to get out of here.

Jon Hamm: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna stick around and see what the hell this show is gonna be.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Roe v Wade Cold Open

Andrew Dismukes

Benedict Cumberbatch

James Austin Johnson

Margaret… Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the draft of his majority opinion overturning Roe v. Wade, Justice Samuel Alito explains that no woman has a right to an abortion, and that, in fact, abortion is a crime. To prove it, he cites a treatise from 13th century England, about the quickening of the fetus, and a Second Treatise that says, if the quick child dies in her body, it would be a great misprision. We go now to that profound moment of moral clarity almost 1000 years ago, which later to clear foundation for what our law should be in 2022.

[Cut to three people in a room. It’s about a thousand years back.]

Andrew: Whatever is the matter. You’re looking flossed in thought.

Ben: It’s nothing. It’s just, while I was cleaning the hole on the side of the castle where we poop and then it falls through the sky into a moat full of human feces, I started to think about abortion.

Andrew: Really, what about it?

Ben: Well, don’t you think we ought to make a law against it?

James: You mean, like the law we have against pointy shoes? Or the law that if you hunt deer in the royal forest, they cut off your genitals?

Ben: Exactly. Something fair and reasonable like those laws. We should make a law that would stand the test of time so that hundreds and hundreds of years from now, they’ll look back and say, “No need to update this one at all. They nailed it back in 1235.”

James: I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t ban abortion in all of England. We could decide it on a fiefdom by fiefdom basis.

Ben: Good idea. That way, if your concubine needs one, you could just send her off to get it in good old, old York City.

Andrew: But if we outlaw abortion, how would we punish the mother? Because she’ll need to be punished. She’ll be so happy about a crime.

Ben: We could always put her in a boat and let her sail off the cliff at the edge of the world. She would of course, tumbled down with the four giant turtles the holding up the earth, and maybe one of them would eat her.

Andrew: Yeah, kind of played out there.

James: I know. What if we get a donkey drunk and we dress it up in her husband’s clothes. Then the next morning? She’s like, “Did I just have sex with a donkey?” And the whole town’s waiting outside like, “Ah, you’re burnt.”

Ben: Maybe, maybe. But what if the donkey get her pregnant and then we’d legally have to protect the fetus. And if the half donkey chili is a man that could become king.

Andrew and James: Ah! The prophecy.

Ben: But let’s be careful. The worst thing that could happen if someone leaks this conversation to the town crier?

Margaret: Knock, knock. Just kidding. We don’t have doors. Anyway, I was outside watching the sheriff throw left handed children into the river. And I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about a new law?

Andrew: Oh-oh. Woman hear ideas and it make her think, “Why I no have those?”

Margaret: Yeah, something like that. So I have a couple of questions.

Ben: Careful Margaret. Don’t make us make another hole in your skull so your brain can breathe.

Margaret: Right. I was just wondering since I’m almost at the childbearing age of 12, shouldn’t women have the right to choose since having a baby means like a 50% chance of dying?

Ben: Yes, but that’s why we’re also offering maternity leaves. When you’re done with 20 years of continuous maternity, you can leave.

Andrew: Shouldn’t we at least make exceptions in cases of rape or incest?

James: But those are the only kinds of sex.

Margaret: You know, I guess I just don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with this issue? Like what about the fact that no one can read or write? Everyone’s dying to plague?

Andrew: Oh, you think just because I have active plague, that means I need to wear a mask? It’s my body, my choice.

Ben: Well, it’s clear to me that we’ve reached the limits of human knowledge. We found the haircut. We know the sun is the moon when it’s happy. We trust the Catholic Church with all our money and our children.

James: Plus we have birth control now. You can’t get pregnant as long as when the man ejaculates, he whispers, “Just kidding.” Well, there’s always plan B, letting 1000 bees sting you.

Ben: Now, let’s all vote. Men, who think we should outlaw abortion forever? Say I.

Andrew and James: I.

Ben: And who’s opposed?

Chris: Me! I’m just playing. I know I can’t vote but, you know, more is gonna be more. You ever get the feeling that this is not gonna be your century?

Kate: Enough!

Ben: My god! An ogre!

Kate: No, no, just a woman in her 30s. But I did eat a weird mushroom in a pile of cow dung, so I can see the future. And worry not dear girl. These barbaric laws will someday be overturned by something called progress. And then after about 50 years after the progress, they’ll be like, “Maybe we should undo the progress.” I don’t know why my visions from that time are very confusing. Seems like all the power comes from a place called Florida. And if you think our customs are weird, you should watch the trial of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Listen, I know it doesn’t sound great, but I guess no matter how many choices they take away from women, we have always had the choice to keep fighting. [cheers and applause]

Ben: That’s really inspiring. And after hearing your perspective, I suddenly realize you’re a witch and we’re gonna set you on fire.

Kate: Alright, wouldn’t be the first time.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Mothers Day Gifts

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

John… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chloe Fineman

Danny… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with a family gathering on Mother’s day]

Children: Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!

Mikey: Come on, mom. Open it.

Aidy: Oh my gosh, what a Mother’s Day. You did too much.

John: Well, you deserve it. After all, you’re our mom.

Aidy: Well, I’m your wife.

John: Yeah, that’s what I meant. Who wants to go first?

Chloe: I do. I do.

Aidy: Oh, you know, I love these little wooden signs. Okay, let me see. Okay, “Life doesn’t come with a manual. It comes with a mother.” Oh, where’d you get this?

Chloe: We got it at Home Depot. They sell art there too.

John: This one’s from me, sweetie.

Aidy: Okay, thank you, John. Okay, “Mom turned upside down spells Wow.”

John: Turn it upside down, it actually works.

Aidy: No no, I see. No, you’re right. It does it. These are really great.

Mikey: Here, mom. Thought you’d like this one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Thank you, sweetie. Okay, “Dear mom. We sucked your teats dry and now you look weird in a bathing suit. Happy Mother’s Day.”

John: Aww.

Danny: Good one.

Chloe: Chloe.

Aidy: But I guess I thought this one would have a little funny rhyme or something. But thank you.

Chloe: You kind of look like the woman in the sign?

Aidy: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

Chloe: Honey, give her yours.

Danny: Okay, here you go, Mrs. M. Just wanted to say thank you for welcoming me to the family.

Aidy: Oh, of course, Danny. Let’s see. “Having a mother in law is like having crabs.”

John: Aww.

Aidy: What? Is there more on the back? I mean, it feels like they didn’t finish the joke.

Chloe: Well, you’re gonna like this one.

Aidy: Okay, well, I do like the color for sure. “Were your ears ringing? I was in therapy.” That doesn’t even say Happy Mother’s Day.

John: I picked this one all out by myself.

Aidy: Okay, it’s a big one here. “Dear wife. Now that the kids are grown, we don’t have sex as much anymore. But we do sometimes. And that’s fine.” What?

John: This one actually goes with it. So “Don’t read into that as me asking for more sex. The amount that we are doing is good for me. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay These are getting really specific and personal.

Chloe: Yeah, they’re great. Right?

Aidy: Well, I think you’ve spent too much.

Danny: Oh no, they’re like $1.99.

Chloe: Okay, I want to read this one. “Dear Mom, if you died and dad remarried—” [John laughing] Wait, I’m not finished. “It would be an adjustment, but I feel like we would get to a place where we were able to call the new woman Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay, okay. I don’t understand. You know, usually these signs say something like, you know, “Caution. Mom needs wine,” or something like that.

John: We have ones like that here.

Aidy: Okay, okay, let’s see. It says, “Oh, look, it’s wine o’clock. I just love watching the sunrise.” Is that implying that I’m getting drunk at dawn?

Danny: Here’s a good one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. “I only drink on days that end in y and during hours that have numbers in them.”

Chloe: Here’s another.

Aidy: Oh, my— Okay, okay, “I’m not drunk. It’s just the wine talking.” Oh, “As in, oh my god, a bottle is talking to me and it has lips and everything. Did I get so drunk? I did shrooms. Oh, yeah, I did. I’m an effing mess.” Okay, I don’t drink that much.

Mikey: Here you go.

Aidy: Oh. [opens the sign] “You do”? Okay, I think Mother’s Day can be done now. Okay, thank you, everyone.

Mikey: No, mom. We’re sorry. I guess we got carried away.

John: Yeah, I mean, you know, they seemed really clever in the store. Don’t be mad. This is your day.

Chloe: There is one last one if you want to look, you probably don’t though.

Aidy: Oh, you know what? Fine. Just give it to me. “Mom, for all the times we forgot to thank you for all the special things you do, there’s just one thing we need to mention. You’re the best. We love you.” Okay, well, that one is pretty cool.

Danny: That part flips down.

Aidy: Okay. “We suspect dad has a secret family.”

[John laughing]

John: Who wants more pancakes.

Aidy: Well, wait, do you? I need an answer.

Truck Stop CD

Kyle Mooney

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Trucker… Jake Gyllenhaal

Darlene… Cecily Strong

Picky… Andrew Dismukes

El Chapo… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Kyle ad Ego in Truckstops.]

Kyle: Truckstops have the wildest stuff.

Ego: Yeah, like, the my other car is a gun?

Kyle: And who are the weirdos still buying CDs?

Aidy: Well, truckers that’s who.

Kyle: Oh, very cool.

Aidy: Yeah, this one right here is a collection of hits. My favorite truck driving crooner Johnny Gatlin. Yeah, I’m talking about “Truck you you truckin’ truck”. 42 songs, all about truckin.

Ego: Great. You mind if we just scooped past you?

Aidy: Songs include fender bender in hits like “Truckers life”.

[song]

Trucker: I’m peeing in a bottle and I’m peeing in a thermos
and I’m peeing in a cup and I’m peeing in the bucket
and I’m peeing in a diaper and I’m peeing at the window
The wind blows back in my face.

Aidy: Whoo! Been there, done that. Get your hanky handy for this heart wrenching duet between trucker and truckers’ wife. Featuring Darlene cuisine, don’t go forgettin.

Trucker: Gotta go back down on the road
I’m gonna miss you till I get home.

Darlene: And I’m asking you to remember
You always got to remember

Trucker and Darlene: Don’t go forgettin
Which cup is your drink and which cup is full of piss

Kyle: Are all these songs about peeing?

Aidy: Well, not all. But many of them? Yes. Big part of the lifestyle.

[whooing sound]

Kyle: Okay, what was that?

Aidy: Oh, wow. That would be the dreaded ghost trucker t. little Picky Dickens.

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Trucker:When the fog came rolling in,
and his hog came rolling out,
reaching down his pants,
he starts to touch himself
with the same hand he used to eat
Flaming Hot Cheetos
People say his screams to echo to this day

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Aidy: Oh! And the old children’s classic “Blow that horn”.

Picky: I see your little boy on an iPad in a minivan next to mine.

Trucker: He singles for me to blow my horn and I happily oblige 

Darlene: A smile comes across his face, I’m so happy I can make his day

Trucker: And the car in front of me get startled as hell and they veer off into a ditch

Aidy: Oh, yes. And of course, no collection is complete without the trucker standard, “The hitch hiker”.

Trucker: A hot July day in 2015 down it Juarez, Mexico
I’m trucking along the highway
A hitchhiker on the side of the road
The mustachioed man helps him in the cab
and he’s only five feet tall
Something about him looks so familiar
Then suddenly, I recall
his name’s El Chapo, El Chapo.
Oh god I think I helped El Chapo
He definitely helped El Chapo

El Chapo: I’m El Chapo and this is a certified bump.

Aidy: Truck you you truckin’ truck, available only at loves Truckstops up the I-40.

[Kyle and Ego sneaks out from behind her]

All: Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker
Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker

Tombstone

Host… Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Greg… Kenan Thompson

Curly Bill… Alex Moffat

Johnny Ringo… Andrew Dismukes

Wyatt Earp… Mikey Day

Doc Holliday… Jake Gyllenhaal

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Host in her set]

Host: Hello and welcome to Lights Camera at you, a look back at some of the sickest performances in film history. From Tom Hanks in Philadelphia to Tom Hanks’s girlfriend in Forrest Gump. Tonight we focus on the role of duck holiday, made famous by Val Kilmer in Tombstone. The Southern Gentleman cowboy who keeps his raging tuberculosis a secret. But did you know another actor played duck holiday even sicker just a year before? Take a look at this scene from the 1992 film “Cough Cough Bang Bang”.

[Cut to the scene. A guy enters a bar.]

Kyle: Well if it isn’t Earl, my favorite bar tender in the whole west. You got a free drink for your pal, don’t you Earl?

Greg: My name is Greg. And my god, that’s Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo. Their gang has been terrorizing the whole southwest.

[Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo walk in]

Curly Bill: Alright, listen up. We heard no law man by the name of Wyatt Earp is holed up in this here town.

Johnny Ringo: If you see him, tell him Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo want to pay our respects.

Curly Bill: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Wyatt Earp: [turns around from the bar booth] Well, you can tell me yourself.

Curly Bill: Well, well, Wyatt Earp. Where’s your little lap dog, Doc Holliday?

[Doc Holliday walks in]

Doc Holliday: Well, I do declare to be a lap dog and a yellow Billie chicken. [coughs huge amount of blood on his handkerchief]

Wyatt Earp: Are you okay there, Doc?

Doc Holliday: Oh yeah, just have a little tickle in my throat, bunch of blood on my face and handkerchief. Which means I’m on the man. Now, if I’m not mistaken, you must be Curly Bill, which makes you the infamous Johnny Ringo. Word is you’re the fastest gun this side of the Mississippi. [starts coughing hard]

Wyatt Earp: Hey Doc, are you sure you should be out in public?

Doc Holliday: Of course not.

Wyatt Earp: You just seem like visibly sick.

Doc Holliday: Nonsense. It’s just allergies.

[Doc Holliday coughs so hard that his blood is spilled all over Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo]

Curly Bill: Come on, man. At least cover your mouth.

Doc Holliday: Why? Are you afraid something witty might come out and make your brain actually work for change?

Wyatt Earp: No, man. He’s worried about catching whatever insane illness you have. Sweat is pouring down your face, man.

Doc Holliday: That’s ridiculous. I have a normal body temperature of 108. [farts hard] Now can I interest any of you gentlemen in a game of cards?

Kyle: Thank you got some kind of intestinal issue there, Doc?

Doc Holliday: Some mixed nuts ought to settle my stomach.

Greg: Hey, stop touching the nuts.

Doc Holliday: I told you, I am not contagious. It’s just a case of the sniffles.

[Doc Holliday coughs so hard that his blood is spilled all over Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo again]

Johnny Ringo: What the hell, dude?

Wyatt Earp: Dude, do you have ebola?

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Hey there, Doc. Ready for round two?

Greg: Round two? You slept with patient zero over here?

Chloe: I think he’s just sweating because I got them all worked up.

Doc Holliday: I confess I’m feeling a stern in my britches, which means I’m either aroused or I need to change my diaper again.

Wyatt Earp: You’re wearing diapers now?

Doc Holliday: My doctor said a lot of 30 year olds wear diapers. Did anyone else see that roll snake at the cookout last week?

Greg: All right. Get the hell out of here. Coming in here with a snake flu, drinking from my cups and having sex with my white daughter?

Johnny Ringo: You know what? I’m gonna end Doc Holliday’s life right now before god gets the satisfaction.

Doc Holliday: Well then, I might as well have one last drink. Earl, You got any orange pedialyte?

Greg: This ain’t no CVS.

Doc Holliday: Fine. Then let’s see who’s really the fastest gun in the West. One… two… [farts hard] … three!

[Johnny Ringo shoots Doc Holliday]

Wyatt Earp: I can’t believe it. You killed Doc Holliday! I mean, I guess it was more like euthanasia.

Greg: Well, yeah. That’s cuz Doc didn’t have a gun. He just pulled out a bottle of pills labelled Valtrex.

Chloe: Oh my god, he had herpes too?

Doc Holliday: On the bright side, you’ll always have something to remember me by.

[Cut back to Host]

Host: I liked it. For Lights Camera at you, I prefer to remain anonymous. Goodnight.

Dinner with the Dean

Vanessa… Cecily Strong

Louis… Jake Gyllenhaal

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Vanessa talking to Andrew and Chloe]

Vanessa: So then Louis says, “If you could only cook as well as you could argue, we could fire the chef.” And I said, “Well, Louis, if you could make love as well as you argue, we could fire the gardener.” Ha-ha-ha-ha

Louis: Alright, dear, I think you’ve had enough. You’re boring our guests so much, they’ll think we’re even duller than when they got here.

Andrew: Oh, well, thank you, Professor Williams and your wife, Vanessa Williams. It was an honor to get a dinner invitation from the Dean of–

Vanessa: Junior Dean.

Louis: Yeah!

Andrew: Junior Dean of the Fine Arts Program here at Beige College. But we really should be going.

Chloe: Yes. You see, it’s well past nine and we’re trying to have a baby.

Vanessa: We almost had one of those once. Remember, dear?

Louis: If I recall, it was all your fault.

Vanessa: How dare you, you washed up piece of–

Louis: [Grunts] Watch it, old girl.

Vanessa: Or what? You’re worried I’ll tell them about your art?

Louis: Darling, I’m warning you.

Andrew: Oh, Professor, I just thought you were a historian. I didn’t know you were an artist as well.

Louis: I’m not.

Vanessa: Oh, don’t be modest, Louis. Show them. Show them your art.

Louis: It’s not ready yet and you know that!

Vanessa: You’ve been saying that for Vanessa5 years. Show them or I will!

Louis: Vanessa Joan Williams, you’re turning over very thin line.

Chloe: Well, I do love art.

Vanessa: Ha! Then you’re in luck. Well, which one should we look at first?

Louis: I said they’re not finished! Now, sit down or I will sit you down.

Vanessa: Oh, here is a good one. You were working on this one the day we met.

Louis: The day the sun went out. Now put it away.

Vanessa: [holding a painting] He told me he was painting it for his father. He was going to show it in Paris.

Louis: Give it to me, you witch.

Vanessa: I was going to be the wife of a famous artist and we’d have a baby right after. Let me show them.

Louis: It’s not finished, you childish shrew! [Vanessa slaps Louis] Oh! Oh, the devil is a woman!

Andrew: Oh, we don’t have to see it. Not if you’re going to hit each other over it.

Vanessa: No. You need to see what my husband could do if he had the stuff to finish anything. [the painting is of a dog reading newspaper. The headline says “Man bites dog!”]

Chloe: Oh. Oh, my.

Louis: It’s not finished. I never got the expression right. And the writing on the back of the paper is just squiggles.

Andrew: Well, I think the painting is great the way you have it, but we really should go.

Vanessa: No, no, no. Sit down. The art show is just getting started. You need to see the reason my husband never gave me a baby.

[Vanessa shows another painting of a pug holding a lightsaber.]

Louis: It’s not finished.

Andrew: What more would you do to it?

Chloe: And why is that why you don’t have a baby?

Louis: He locked himself in his studio night after night, screaming, torturing himself.

Louis: You’ve got a lot of twisted thoughts in that head of yours.

Vanessa: Don’t interrupt, dear. I’m telling our guests about the dark places you would go so you can make art like this.

[It’s a picture of a dog sitting with a robe on holding a TV remote and a bowl of popcorn.]

Andrew: That one’s a photograph, right?

Louis: Well, it’s not finished, but yes, it is. Photos are art, too. Now, let’s stop this and get my wife another drink. It’s the only way to plug her mouth.

Vanessa: Or we could look at your self portrait. I call it “Why I Don’t Have a Baby. [It’s a painting of a dog painting]

Louis: Put it away! They don’t want to see that! It’s too dark! Oh! Oh, that’s why I never sold anything. They’re all too dark.

Andrew: And that’s you?

Louis: Yes, it’s me and my studio, but it’s not finished.I was going to add a thought bubble that said, “It’s a living.” But what does it matter now? Are you happy, dear? You’ve shown them what a heartless creature you are and what a failure your husband is.

Vanessa: And that’s why we can’t escape each other and why we can never have children.

Louis: Cheers to that.

Chloe: And why again is that keeping you from having children?

Andrew: Stop asking that.

Vanessa: Here’s your answer. Look at this one. [It’s a picture of a jacked dog]

Louis: That one actually is finished.

Scattering Remains

Kyle Mooney

Mr. Klein… James Austin Johnson

Jerrod Carmichael

Andrew Dismukes

Mrs. Klein… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of adults mourning by the sea shore]

Kyle: Can’t believe he’s really gone.

Mr. Klein: He isn’t gone, son. Pop Pop will always live on inside of all of us.

Jerrod: That’s beautiful.

Andrew: Well said sir.

Mrs. Klein: Well, sweetie, are you ready to say goodbye?

Mr. Klein: Yeah. But first I want to share something with you guys. You know this spot was where Pop Pop would take me off to my ballgames. Believe it or not, I wasn’t much of an athlete. [giggling] Okay, okay. Ha-ha. But Pop Pop would take me here. He pointed out to the sea and say “Son, life is like the tide. There’s highs and lows, but eventually it all washes away.” Gonna miss you dad.

Jerrod: Wow. It’s a beautiful story, Mr. Klein. Thank you for sharing.

Andrew: And thank all of you for allowing us at Boudreau’s Mortuary to be a part of this moment with you.

Jerrod: Now, if you’re ready, please bow your heads as we scattered the remains.

[Kyle, Mr. Klein and Mrs. Klein bow their heads. Jerrod and Andrew carry the body on a wooden plank and throws the body to the sea.]

Mrs. Klein: Oh my god!

Mr. Klein: No! Oh god, no.

Andrew: These moments are always so hard. We’ll give you folks some space.

Mr. Klein: What? How did you just do?

Jerrod: We said goodbye to Pop Pop.

Mrs. Klein: He was supposed to be cremated?

Jerrod: Who was?

Mr. Klein: My father? He was supposed to be cremated. Not chunked off a cliff.

Andrew: Hmm.

Jerrod: Umm-hmm.

Andrew: Okay. So that was not related to us.

Jerrod: Yeah. But in a way, wasn’t this kind of better?

Andrew: Oh, speak on that.

Jerrod: Well, you got the body aspect of a burial but we still got to throw him.

Andrew: Yeah. Yeah, I liked that. Well, [pulls out the bill] time for the dreaded check. Who’s the boss around here? [pointing at Kyle] You I assume? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Just kidding, sport. Maybe some–

Kyle: [yelling] Do not touch me, man.

Andrew: Absolutely, sir. Whenever you’re ready. [passing the bill to Mr. Klein]

Mr. Klein: We’re not gonna pay for this.

Jerrod: Mm.

Andrew: Hmm.

Jerrod: May I ask why?

Mrs. Klein: You threw my father in law of a cliff?

Jerrod: Okay, see, I thought we resolved that.

Mr. Klein: No, we did not.

Mrs. Klein: Honey, calm down. Your condition.

Andrew: Okay, you know what? I feel like you guys are mad. So how about I just go get him?

[Andrew jumps off the cliff]
[Kyle, Mr. Klein and Mrs. Klein are shocked. Jerrod walks up to them.]

Jerrod: So what you guys got cooking up this weekend?

Mr. Klein: I really don’t want to talk about that.

[Jerrod pulls out an urn]

Mrs. Klein: Why don’t you bring an urn?

Jerrod: Oh, this? This isn’t an urn. It’s soup.

Mrs. Klein: You keep soup and an urn?

Jerrod: No, no, it’s a thermos. It looks like an urn. I got it at a morticians conference.

Andrew: [from down] I got him.

Jerrod: All right. Good job, man.

Andrew: What are you guys talking about?

Jerrod: They’re just asking about the urn.

Andrew: Oh, the thermos? Pretty good. Pretty cool, right?

Mr. Klein: No, it’s not cool. Jesus. Just get the body back.

Andrew: No worries. So I got pop pop right here.

Kyle: [looking down] That isn’t Pop Pop.

Mrs. Klein: That’s clearly a young cyclist. He’s wearing those little shoes.

Andrew: Umm. Mm-hmm. Okay. And that’s a deal breaker for you guys?

Mr. Klein: Yes.

Andrew: Alright. I’ll just put them back. [throws the body down again] So hey, you think I can get some of that soup?

Jerrod: Oh, hell yeah. Heads up. It’s shrimp bisque. [throws the thermos down]

Baby Clothes

Bowen Yang

Jerrod Carmichael

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Andrew Dismukes

Cara.. Heidi Gardner

[Starts with adults enjoying watching their babies]

Bowen: Cara, It’s  so sweet. You got these onesies for all the kids.

Cara: You know he’s gonna be a heartbreaker just like his dad.

Chloe: Oh, look, they’re like a tiny little baby couple.

Chris: Or, not to assume. Maybe that’s weird for you guys.[Because Bowen and Jerrod are a gay couple] Sorry.

Bowen: No, we think it’s cute.

Female voice: You love seeing your little one as a future heartbreaker. But what if you don’t want to assume your baby’s going to be straight? Now you don’t have to. With the new “Born This Way” line from Osh Kosh F*Gosh. Your little Tyke will look adorable without being so exclusive. With sayings like “Future twink”, “Lil Lez”, “Messy DJ” and “In the closet because I can’t walk.”

Cara: Doesn’t he look great. I pray to God My son is gay.

Chris: I know. I would love that.

Female voice: Born This Way has designes your baby will love. Like wordplay.

Chloe: Rock-a-bi baby.

Cara: My mommy had a daddy.

Female voice: Political statemets.

Chris: I love milk… Harvey Milk. Rip.

Jerrod: Silence equals violence but crying equals hungry.

Bowe: Alexander Hamilton was a turf.

Female voice: And Butch.

Andrew: Aw, that is this? A tiny belt loop or a ring of keys? The slaves.

Chris: Some parents force their kids to wear a little sports jerseys. My son can be whoever he wants.

Jerrod: Imagine boxing a child into something that doesn’t feel right. I would hate that.

Cara: It’s so archaic to pierce your baby’s ears for baptism. Our kids will never have to confirm to something they don’t want. Thanks, Born This Way.

Chloe: Aw, it looks like they’re dating.

Andrew: Oh please, they’re not exclusive. You know how gay guys are.

Female voice: Born This Way, from Osh Kosh F*gosh. Oh relax, it’s not like they can read.

Word Crunch

Jean Baby… Andrew Dismukes

Cara… Zoë Kravitz

Sheila… Aidy Bryant

Dave… Aristotle Athari

Chris… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the game show network. Remember how Richard Dawson would kiss entire family? Well, you do now. But first. It’s Word Crunch.

[Cut to the show set]

Jean: Hello and welcome back to Word Crunch. I’m your host, Jean Baby. Say hello to our contestants, Cara, Sheila and Dave.

Cara: Hi, there.

Sheila: Happy to be here.

Dave: Whooo!

Jean: All right. Game is simple. We’ll show you a bunch of letters and those letters, some make words. Find those words, you get points. And those points is money. Wow. Okay, sorry, folks. There’s a writer strike. So our sound engineer wrote all this herself. Thanks, Chris.

Chris: It was my pleasure. Maybe one day you’ll let me host, huh? Love you, Jean.

Jean: Alright, contestants, let’s pull up our first word crunch. Do you see a word? Just shout it out. Your time starts now.

Sheila: Ah. Oh, okay. I see “Happy”.

Jean: You got it. Five points.

Dave: I see “Cat”.

Jean: Great, three points.

Cara: I see “Momhole”.

[Wrong answer buzzer]

Jean: Sorry about that, Cara. No points. But there’s still time. Keep guessing.

Dave: Dog.

Jean: Nice three points for Dave.

Cara: Oh, I’ve got one. Momhole.

Jean: Yeah, no, again, Cara. Maybe Stop guessing momhole. Okay, we cannot accept momhole.

Cara: Why not?

Jean: That’s a few reasons. For one, it’s two words. If you can do ‘mom’ and then after that you could say ‘hole’.

Cara: But I want to connect them.

Jean: Well, you can’t. Please get something else.

Cara: Momhole.

Jean: Okay, yeah. I told you not to say that.

Cara: No, no, no. Not that one. The other one.

Jean: Why are there two?

Cara: I don’t know, Jean. This isn’t my game.

Sheila: I’ve got one. I see Apple.

Jean: That’s great, five points.

Cara: Okay, so wait. Let me get this straight. She says apple which is five points and you think that’s cool. But when I say momhole which is seven I get nothing? This isn’t fair.

Jean: Well Apple is a real thing, so…

Cara: So is momhole. You may not want to think about it but they have them. So..

Sheila: I’ve actually got another one. Pothole.

Jean: Great, that’s seven points.

Cara: Okay, sorry, but if I had said pothole that would have counted?

Jean: Yes.

Cara: Okay great. So, momhole. All right, I don’t understand. I don’t.

Jean: You know what? Let’s just get a new puzzle up here please.

Cara: Am I allowed to guess?

Jean: Yeah, sure. As long as it’s not momhole.

Cara: No problem. Himhole.

Jean: No.

Cara: Gay4hole?

Jean: Oh, there’s a 4 on the board.

Cara: Jacksonhole.

Jean: What?

Cara: Holefoods.

Jean: Please don’t.

Cara: Myhole. Cornhole.

Jean: Come on!

Cara: And Mmmhole.

Jean: Okay, that is not Mmmhole. It’s just three M’s and then a hole. What is Mmmhole?

Cara: You know. Mmm, like yummy. Like I’m excited for that hole.

Jean: Oh my god. Chris, what is with these word searches?

Chris: Look. It’s hard to think of this many words. I mean, you do Apple, Happy, Dog. And after that, it’s like what’s left besides Momhole?

Jean: Chris, it’s easy. I told you to just write what you know.

Chris: Oh! I thought you said write what you have. I am a mom and…

Jean: Right. Okay, we get it. All right. You guys know what? Let’s just get a new puzzle up here and no more hole stuff.

Dave: I don’t want to get in trouble but I do see “Porn”.

Jean: Okay, well, except that. Four points.

Cara: Okay, Momporn.

Jean: No.

Cara: What is your problem with mom?

Jean: Do you see anything else?

Sheila: Friend.

Dave: Beach.

Cara: Scissoring.

Sheila: Cloud.

Dave: Water.

Cara: Balls. Lick. Butt. Slit. Blow. Gag. Juice. Titty. Horny. Porny. And time.

Jean: Okay. I don’t care anymore. Fine. Let’s just do our last puzzle.

[All the letters are ‘B’, and in the center, there’s “Dadhole”.]

Sheila:  I see one.

Jean: Yeah, I’m sure you do.

Sheila: Is it okay if I say it?

Jean: Yeah, just say it.

Sheila: Bbb.

Jean: That’s dumb. All right. Well, this has been the pilot of Word Crunch to the network. Please do not pick us up for a whole season. Goodnight.