New Hampshire Democratic Debate Cold Open

George Stephanopoulos… Mikey Day

Lindsey Davis… Ego Nwodim

David Meur… Alex Moffat

Tom Steyer… Pete Davidson

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Mike Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Male voice: From Manchester, New Hampshire, it’s the Democratic Debate.

[Cut to the Democratic Debate] [cheers and applause] [Cut to George]

George: Good evening and welcome to the Democratic Debate. I’m George Stephanopoulos. [Cut to David, Lindsey and George] And joining me for optics is Lindsey Davis and David Meur.

Lindsey: Thank you.

David: Thank you, George.

George: Okay, that’s enough. Wow, what a week it has been for American politics. Iowa was a disaster. President Trump has gotten Super Saiyan since his acquittal. And now it’s up to New Hampshire to start turning things around for the democrats. So, let’s meet our future MSNBC contributors.

[Cut to the podiums. The participants of the debate walk to the podiums.]

Billionaire Tom Steyer. Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar, senator Vermont Bernie Sanders, Former vice President Joe Biden, Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren, former South bend Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg and Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang confused] [Cut to George]

Vice president Biden, let’s start with you. Are you at all concerned about your poor performance in Iowa?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: You know? I’ll be honest. Losing Iowa was a real kick in the nuts. Alright? But I am not worried at all because, you know, by the time we get to south Cackalacky, Joe Biden’s gonna do what Joe Biden does best. Creep up from behind! Just when you think your lead is safe, my numbers are gonna sneak up and surprise you with a nice sweet kiss on the neck.

[Cut to George]

George: Um, mayor Pete, you initially claimed victory in Iowa and then senator Sanders claimed victory a few days later leading to some major in fighting. Who do you think really won?

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Um, Donald Trump.

[Cut to George]

George: Um, I mean out of the democrats.

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Oh! Oh! Then, I guess me.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I still can’t believe all this mess happened in Iowa. [cheers and applause] I can’t believe all this mess happened in Iowa because of an app. Hey, I have an idea for an app. It’s call ‘No Apps’. No apps, no computers, no gadgets no gizmos. You show up to your polling place, take a number like you do with the butcher, they call you ticket, you walk up to the counter and say to the guy, “Give me your pound or whatever’s about to go bad.”

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Oh, the issue in Iowa was math! Oh, I wonder who they could have called to help them out with that? [showing his pin on his coat that says ‘MATH’] Oh, what? I mean, because of my pin racist!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren] [cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: I don’t wanna talk about Iowa anymore. Let’s talk about the hearing now. Alright? I am very confident about my chances in New Hampshire. I tend to really connect with New England moms who own big dogs, baca fleece vests, Joe Biden days out of week. Look, New Hampshire, your state border might be kissing Vermont, but you ass is resting on Massachusetts. So, come on over and fill up the gap.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar] [cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: I just wanna add that senator Warren is not the only sensible candidate standing here before you. You are looking at the other half of New York times endorsement. But guess what? Elizabeth is J-Lo and I am Shakira. And so, to Donald Trump I say, [making funny teasing noise] .

[Cut to Tom Steyer with his right hand raised]

Tom Steyer: I have my hand up now. I would like to talk please. Notice me? Thank you.

[Cut to George]

George: Okay, go ahead.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Um, I just want to say that I love everybody here. I mean, I agree with all of them. You know, everybody. All of you. I’m sorry, I’m tripping balls right now.

[Cut to George]

George: Alright. Let’s take a quick word from our sponsor tonight. [advertising] Bloomberg. [Mike Bloomberg’s picture appears at the bottom of the screen. And there’s a written ‘mike BLOOMBERG 2020.] Are you a registered democrat thinking, “These can’t be my only choices, then try Bloomberg. He is not as short as Trump is fat.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m not an out of touch billionaire like Bloomberg. Sure, I’ve been taking a private jet to campaign events. But I do that for my fellow passengers. Believe me. You don’t want to sit next to me on a plane. I’m a middle seat guy and get up to use the bathroom minimum six times between Des Moines and Manchester. I bring leftovers from home that stink up the plane. And if you think I’m loud when I talk, you should hear me chew.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: No, no, no, no, no. You’re not gonna out-poor me, alright? My campaign is broke as hell. My biggest contributions are the pennies from loafers and whatever the concerned moms of Bernie bros can afford.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsey: Okay. This is my favorite part of the debate where we ask about winning the black vote. I’m gonna start with you, mayor Pete.

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Oh, man! Look, people say I’m not very popular among minorities. They’ve been referring to me as mayo Pete. But I assure you I am not that spicy.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey! Hey! Um, look, speaking of the black vote, that reminds me of a little underdog story. And, spoiler alert, it’s a long one. Alright? The year was nineteen hundred rata-tat-tat, okay? And I am straighting through the rough part of Wilmington DE when suddenly, I come across four gentlemen from the isle of Jamaica. Now I’m talking these fellas are dark as night, okay? Before they can make their first move though, I toss them, all four of them right into a cardboard box and I roll them down the hill. And that is how I gave Jamaica it’s first bobsledding.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Alright, people! It’s simple. If you want black people to like you, give them $1,000. It’s been working for me since high school.

[Cut to Tom Steyer. His right hand is raised.]

Tom Steyer: Hey, my hand’s up again. Um, I’m just gonna come out and say it, I am 100% for reparations.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsey: Alright, but in what way?

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I don’t know. But that guy’s with me.

[Cut to the audience focusing on Kenan. He doesn’t know what Tom Steyer is talking about.] [Cut to George]

George: Alright, let’s hear your closing statements. Senator Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Um, why am I not doing better? I am the most reasonable person on stage. Instead of tearing democrats down, I get along with everyone up here. Um, baby knot, chompers, slender man. And I know you’re probably surprised to see me on this stage still. But I am Amy Klobuchar, I am here. I am square. Get used to it!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Well, listen. Bottom line, I know a lot of people like me but they’re worried about if I’m electable. I have a great solution for that. Elect me. It’s that simple. You can trust this face. This is me on LinkedIn, Facebook, IG and michaelscraftstore.com.

[Cut to George]

George: Senator Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Okay. I don’t know how or why it happened. But I am the king of an army of internet trolls called Bernie Bros. Could I stop them in their tracks? Of course. Should I? Yes. Will I? Nay! Hillary Clinton says nobody likes me. Let me ask you this. The how come I’m the most popular guy Fortune?

[Cut to George]

George: Mayor Pete.

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Look, I know corruption is a problem in this country. I know big business controls too much of Washington. I know democrats don’t want another candidate with massive corporate donors. And I know that I sound like a bot that has studied human behavior by watching 100 hours of Obama speeches. So, let’s get #WhiteObama trending. And please, please, not ironically. Thank you.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Look, I tried to tell you guys the robots are coming, Yang gang 2020! Let’s get this shmoney!

[Cut to George]

George: Mr. Steyer.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: You know, I didn’t come here to make friends. But dammit, I made some great ones. [sobbing] It’s been an honor, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cut to George]

George: Okay. Mr. Biden, you have 60 seconds.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: What? No, the doctors said I had six to eight months.

[Cut to George]

George: No! I meant for your closing statement.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Oh! Okay. Alright, alright. Well, then I guess there’s only one thing left to say.

[Everybody comes in]

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

PBS Democratic Debate Cold Open

Judy Woodruff… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Democratic Debate on PBS.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff] [cheers and applause]

Judy Woodruff: Hello, I’m Judy Woodruff and welcome to the Democratic Debate. Just like the bachelor, the further we go, the less diverse it gets. So, lets begin. From Massachusetts, it’s senator Elizabeth Warren.

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! In here, and I am in my element. PBS is my safe word. Last debate I gave you policy TMI and now I am ready to walk in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Also in the debate stage tonight is Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Well, my candidacy will be completely ignored by the media. That’s why I’ll conduct the rest of the debate in virtual reality! [Andrew Yang puts on his VR console on.] In here, I’m the front-runner.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff”

Judy Woodruff: He is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. It’s Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello, thanks you. It’s wonderful to be here tonight but I have to warn everyone tonight, I’ll be in attack mode, as long as it’s okay with you guys.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar] [cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: The bang is glued, girlfriend. And tonight, my voice will be as solid as my carefully rehearsed mid western mom jokes.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m Bernie Sanders. I’m white, can’t help it. Let’s move on.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, all right.

[cheers and applause]

Hey. Notice anything different about me? Grandpa Joe got the glow up. I was Irish man. Younger, yep. Taller, sure. Better, no.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: And businessman Tom  St — wait. Mayor Bloomberg?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg] [cheers and applause]

Michael Cloomberg: Oopsie. Classic billionaire switcharoo.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Bloomberg, you did not qualify for this debate. How did you get here?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Well, for $Andrew Yang0 million, PBS is now owned by viewers like me. Look, I even got a tote bag.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Before we begin with the questions, does anyone want to prove they’re presidential by starting a petty little fight?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, raising hand desperately]

Elizabeth Warren: Yes! Yes! Judy, I just want to point out to everybody that mayor Pete here, held a billionaire fundraiser in a wine cave with crystals, dripping candelabras, basically “eyes wide shut” minus any sex appeal, whatsoever. Now, look, I’ve never even been to a wine cave. I haven’t even been to filene’s basement. Too much shimmer and shine.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Okay, I would just like to point something out, I’m the only person on the stage who isn’t a millionaire or a billionaire. I live on my mayor’s salary plus $Elizabeth Warren0 a week allowance from my parents, and that’s only if I do my chores.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Klobuchar, you’re looking assertive today. Is there something you would like to add?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. The only cave I ever go to is a man cave. I call it ‘The senate.’ For more of these classic zingers, please check out my stand-up special, “Land of Judy Woodruff0,000 laughs,” only streaming Costco+ streaming service.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, hey, quit picking on little Bo Pete over here. Kid’s trying his best. Speaking of, have you noticed that I’m playing with almost a full deck of cards tonight, huh? I haven’t even told the long rambling story yet, but I got one locked and loaded. Here it comes. [snaps his fingers] The year was Judy WoodruffKamala Harris whoops-a-daisy, and my pale white ass is strutting down the mean streets of Wilmington when I come across a group of fellas singing some doo-wop tunes surrounding a– one of those flaming trash can. Now, I know I need to be racially sensitive here, but it’s important for you to know his name was Ol’ Black Charlie.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: See, this is exactly why we need  to have more candidates of diversity on the stage.

[Kamala Harris walks in with a martini in her hand]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I could not agree more.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Harris, what are you doing here? You dropped out, remember?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, is this a debate? I had no idea. I was just in the neighborhood. But while I’m here, I just want to show you how good you could have had it, America. You withheld your donations, and I got tired of waiting, so I walked my fine ass out the door. You could have had a bad bitch.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Sanders, I’d ask you to also comment on the declining diversity in the debate field? I know you just want to talk about climate change.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I do. Look at me. Are you really surprised that my main concern is the temperature? At my house, I have a sharpie on the thermostat so I know if you move it. And let me tell you, no matter how hot the earth gets, I will not wear shorts. I swim in corduroy. Google “Bernie Sanders’ legs.” No results. Let’s keep it that way.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Okay, I think we should move on. Senator Klobuchar, do you believe the next president has a duty to fight corruption?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. When our next president is inaugurated, I think SHE will make SHE-ure that people are HER-d!

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I don’t know what’s going on, but I just wanna say I love the ladies. Okay? Even these tough broads. I have the utmost respect for all Lizzy woo and senator Kambucho over there. I do.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Maybe we need to have fewer debates. I think you’re hurting your cause.

[Cut to a speaker standing in front of Bernie Sanders and Amy Klobuchar]

Speaker: Speaking of hurting our cause?

Amy Klobuchar: Why you here?

Speaker: Democrats, I’ll get you, my party, and your little mayor, Too. [laughing evilly] [Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Speaking of drama, president Trump was impeached this week. Assuming he is still candidate, can you beat him in

[Cuyt to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Probably not. I’m just doing this to get my steps in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Sanders, same question.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Look, Trump is the most corrupt president in our history and he’s not the only one lying to the American public. Amazon lies. Apple lies. Even my iPhone lies. Every time it says it’s at Judy Woodruff% battery, it stays on for at least Elizabeth Warren0 minutes. But then other times, it is at Joe Biden%, shuts down immediately.go figure! Apple, what are you trying to hide? And what is my password?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Look. Look. I’ll still beat Trump. Because when he gets to the senate judiciary committee, he’s going to wish he never heard my name.

[music playing][rapping]

It’s pronounced Kamala 

it rhymes with Pamala

it ain’t Camilla Cabello

it’s just Kamala

[music stops] [Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Well, candidates, you’ve all spent the last two years talking smack about president Trump. But what if I told you — [Cut to Donald Trump in the backstage] He’s been backstage the whole time and he’s heard everything you said.  Come on out, Mr. President!

[Donald Trump walks in] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump. You think I’m scared? You think I’m nervous? What are you going to do? Impeach me? Losers! Impeach me outside, okay? How about that? Impeach me outside!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: This is ridiculous. Why is he here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So people will actually watch this little freak show. This is the best the dems cosmetic come up with? Pocahontas? Sleepy Joe? I’m just gonna riff on some new ones. Mayor butt. Klobuchart. That’s good, that’s good. Scrooge McDuck, Ben and Jerry’s.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Okay!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There are no rules now that I’m impeached. You had it easy with Donald Trump Delirious, but now you’re going to get Donald Trump Raw, baby.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Listen up, Bucko. I challenge to you a push-up contest. Talking me, you, shirts off, nips out, first guy to do one wins. What do you say?

Donald Trump: Go ahead. I’m not afraid of anything.

[Nancy Pelosi walks in]

Nancy Pelosi: Are you sure you’re not afraid of anything?

Donald Trump: Oh, my god! Nancy Pelosi. I thought it was Krampus! Did you read the letter I sent you?

Nancy Pelosi: Oh, the one that was six pages, single spaced like a serial killer? No. I didn’t read it. I’m sorry. But I brought you two gifts Mr. President. They’re the articles of impeachment.

Donald Trump: Oh! Great! Give it to Mitch in the senate, and everything is gravy, baby.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay, but here’s the thing. You know how sometimes you get a gift and you like it so much that you keep it as a gift for yourself?

Donald Trump: You can’t do that.

Nancy Pelosi: Well, watch me. Good luck at the state of the union. Oh! And one more thing.

Everybody: Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!