Pandemic Game Night

Keith… John Krasinski

Goldie… Cecily Strong

Angela… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Brad… Beck Bennett

FBI agents… Mikey Day, Punkie Johnson

[Starts with six adults in a house having a fun night.]

Keith: Alright. This meeting of the Warren Street covid bubble is now on session.

Goldie: Ah! I am so grateful we get to to this once a week. If I didn’t have this bubble, I would go insane.

Angela: Oh, yes. You have to have a pod that you can trust.

Kyle: Amen!

Keith: Alright. Who’s ready to play pioneer’s, a mountain pass?

Heidi: You know I am. I’ll be shopkeep.

Keith: Alright. Well, I guess I’ll be mayor’s daughter again.

Brad: [standing] Uh… I think I hear a pizza man at the door. Excuse me, uh… that will be… uh… I’ll be going to get the pizza, fellow forgers. I don’t know.

Keith: You know we’ll save you for the game, Brad.

[Brad opens the door. There’s an FBI agent.]

7: Brad Dobbit, you’re under arrest for storming the Capitol.

Brad: Yes, I am. You got me.

Heidi: What? Brad? You stormed the Capitol?

Brad: I’m sorry, everyone. I wasn’t in the bathroom that day. I was out at DC stopping the steal with my boys.

Goldie: Oh my god, Brad! Why on earth would you do that?

Brad: Because I care about our nation and its constitution. So, I wet jelly on a statue and put Pelosi’s phone on my pants.

Kyle: So, that’s what you did?

Brad: What else was I supposed to do? The guy I wanted to win didn’t win.

7: Alright. Let’s go.

Brad: Well, let me grab my coat first.

Angela: My god. I can’t believe this. I mean, is this really happening?

[Brad wears his fur coat and horns cap]

Brad: Tell my story.

7: Alright.

[7 grabs Brad by his hand]

Brad: Ouch! My hand!

Kyle: Oh my god! Did any of you know about this?

Heidi: No. I mean it’s Brad. Sweet, angry Brad.

Angela: Wow, I am floored. You think you know someone and then this happens.

Keith: I know. Well, let’s start the game. Shall we?

[door bell ringing]

Angela: Yes. Oh, well. I bet that’s the pizza.

Keith: Alright, but hop to it Angela because we got a lot of pioneering to get through.

Angela: Okay. Quit reminding us.

[Angela opens the door. There’s a female FBI agent.]

8: Angela Barnes, you’re under arrest.

Angela: Okay, I know that.

Kyle: Angela?

Goldie: Not sweet, racist Angela?

Angela: It’s true. I’m a patriot unlike this bubble of cucks.

Kyle: You’re gonna go to jail!

Angela: Ah! It was worth it. I had sex with Chuck Norris. At least he told me he was Chuck Norris. He kept saying, “You still think I’m Chuck Norris, right?”

8: Okay. We’re taking you in.

Angela: Well, let me just get my stuff, please. Okay. [Angela wears her Uncle Jam American flag hat with white beard] Now, Uncle Jam says don’t trade on this.

[7 pulls Angela out of the door]

Kyle: Is anybody else freaked out that two of our friends just got arrested?

[door bell ringing. Keith stands to answer the door.]

Oh no. Not you too!

Keith: Dude, you know me better than that. Okay?

[Keith opens the door. A guy wearing pizza delivery outfit is there.]

It’s just a pizza guy.

9: Or is it? [he opens his fake outfit. He is also an FBI.]

Keith: Dammit!

7: Are you Keith Renault?

Keith: Yes. Or Q-daddy on Facebook, marketl.

7: [looking at Goldie] Are you Goldie Flemming?

Goldie: I am. And I want my phone call.

7: That happens later, ma’am.

Heidi: Oh my god! Not crazy Goldie and dishonorably discharged Keith!

Keith: Alright. How did you find us?

Goldie: Was it our post on Instagram?

Keith: Or was it out check-in on Facebook?

Goldie: Or when I Venmoed him $10 to kick Pence’s ass?

Keith: Wait, did the hardware store tell you what I bougth?

7: We found this.

[7 pulls out a photo of them when they were there]

Goldie: Oh, yes. Then yes, guilty as charged. May I grab my cape that celebrates my southern heritage?

7: No.

Keith: May I quickly put on some face paint?

7: No!

Goldie: Oh! And this is the America you want to live in? I ask you

[Keith pulls out a podium and carried it with him]

Keith: Good day, all!

[7 takes them with him]

Kyle: I don’t get it. I mean one of them was my wife.

Heidi: I know.

Kyle: You just don’t know anyone anymore. Do I even know you?

Heidi: No. You are under arrest. [Heidi shows Kyle her FBI card.]

Kyle: Okay. Can I grab my crossbow please?

Heidi: No.

[Heidi starts pushing Kyle to the door]

Kyle: [screaming] But I’m a state senator!

Friendos (featuring A$AP Rocky)

Donald Glover

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Angela… Cecily Strong

[Music video starts with clips of rappers flexing their money, cars and lifestyle.]

Donald Glover: Friendo!
Yeah, you already know
Kenan: Skrt skrt!

Donald Glover: Ayy, lambo
Out the bando

Kenan: Ayy, ayy, ayy ayy!

Donald Glover: [rapping] Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up (yeah[Kenan doing all the backup voices] We in the club and we turn it up (turn up)
Pinky worth Chris Redd50 thou’ (wow)
Double that up in my mouth (teeth)

Chris Redd: Shorty she bad, like all my swag
Boy, she got all of that ass (booty)
Getting that cash, haters be mad
Friendos, we stay with that bag (cookie)

Donald Glover: Woke up in the morning with some bitches and I’m smiling

Chris Redd: But we gotta put in work if we wanna stay shining

Donald Glover and Chris Redd: We go to therapy (therapy), therapy (therapy)
We spent a milli on therapy (woo)
Angela (Angela), Angela (Angela)
Twice a week we go to Angela (ayy)

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: Go on

Chris Redd: Ahem, it’s just like every time I bring up emotional conflict, he always want to—

Angela: You know what, let’s use “I feel” statements.

Chris Redd: Oh, my bad. I feel like every time I bring up emotional conflict, he want to talk about the Lambo.

Kenan Thompson: [giving back up voice] Lambo!

Donald Glover: But it got the suicide doors though.

Chris Redd: Enough with the Lambo man!

Kenan Thompson: Lambo!

Chris Redd: Just talk to me dawg.

Kenan Thompson: Ayy!

[Cut to music video]

Chris Redd: She wanna hear ’bout our Mommas (Momma)
All of our fears and our traumas (bad)

Donald Glover: Homies be asking me stuff (what?)
I don’t be opening up (I’m fine)

Chris Redd: Sometimes I cry, I don’t know why
I just be wanting to fight (aggression)

Donald Glover: Lambo on dub, doors going up, you know I don’t give a fu-

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: See, you’re deflecting. Do you see that? I think you do care

Donald Glover: Naw

Chris Redd: Dawg, whose idea was it to buy the Lambo in the first place?

Kenan Thompson: Lambo!

Donald Glover: Mine!Chris Redd: No! No, I showed you Chris Redd months ago on

Instagram. I said “I want the ice cream-colored Lambo, with the suicide doors.” Guess who pulled up to the strip club, very next week, looking like a dessert on a wheels?

Kenan Thompson: Pull up

Angela: Sounds like that ice cream Lambo was important to you.

Chris Redd: Mmhmm…

Angela: And when he bought it first, you felt…?

Chris Redd: Invisible.

Kenan Thompson: Visible!

Angela: You needed him to hear you, but instead of being present, he was gone.

Kenan Thompson: Skrt skrt!

Donald Glover: Look, I see that I hurt you. I’m sorry dawg. I think I was acting out ’cause I just missed our friendship. You know, before the money, before the Lambo.

Kenan Thompson: Lambo!

Chris Redd: Ayy man, I miss that too, you know what I mean? Like, you think we can work on that?

Donald Glover: We sure can.

Angela: Wow, you see what that was?

Kenan Thompson: Ayy.

Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson: Ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy!

[Cut to music video]

All: Breakthrough (breakthrough), breakthrough (breakthrough)

Donald Glover: Stunt on these hoes with my breakthrough (stunt on ’em)

Chris Redd: We got some issues, hand me some tissues–

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: We haven’t heard much from you today

Kenan Thompson: Huh?

Angela: You haven’t spoken up at all.

Kenan Thompson: Y-yeah I have, I-I’ve been repeating—

Angela: Repeating what these two say, I know, but what do you think?

Kenan Thompson: I-I don’t know, nobody care what I think, I just do the ad-libs.

Chris Redd: Ayy, that’s not true man, c’mon now.

Angela: Let’s, let’s let him speak.

Chris Redd: First of all, don’t interrupt me bitch, I’m talking to my brother.

Angela: Yeah, but instead of talking, bitch, how ’bout you listen?

Chris Redd: Oh damn.

Kenan Thompson: I guess I just assume that you guys, like, pity me? Like y’all really don’t want me around?

Donald Glover: No, man! You funny!

Chris Redd: Yeah.

Donald Glover: Yeah.

Kenan Thompson: Really?

Chris Redd: Yeah man!

Kenan Thompson: Thank you, ’cause you know I actually be thinking about my jokes and stuff.

Donald Glover: Man, don’t start crying man. You start crying and I’ma start crying.

Kenan Thompson: Why don’t y’all let it out, you know what I’m saying? Woo.

All: Woo, woo, woo, woo!

[Cut to music video]

All: Group hug (group hug), group hug (group hug)
Me and my homies a group hug (growth)
In therapy (therapy), therapy (therapy)
We make it rain on our therapist

Chris Redd: Damn, Angela sexy!

[Cut Dr. Angela listening to Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson in a therapy session]

Angela: Well, that’s all the time we have.

Donald Glover: Alright, well.

Kenan Thompson: Cool, okay man.

Chris Redd: I guess we just gon’ leave then. Thank you Angela.

Donald Glover: Alright, cool.

Kenan Thompson: Alright, bye.

Chris Redd: Ayy.

[Donald Glover, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson walk out of Dr. Angela’s office. A$AP Rocky is sitting in waiting lounge]

Donald Glover: Ayy, what’s up A$AP?

A$AP Rocky: Friendos! Yo, what’s happening bro? Yo, I peeped the ice cream Lambo parked out front. It’s hot!

Donald Glover: Thanks, that was his idea. [pointing at Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: Damn…