Weekend Update- Angela Merkel on Reelection

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel was reelected as chancellor of Germany for a fourth term and is now the longest serving leader in Europe. Here to comment is German chancellor Angela Merkel.

[Angela Merkel slides in] [cheers and applause]

Angela Merkel: Yes. I am the winner. Yay! Yay!

Colin Jost: Are you happy that you won?

Angela Merkel: Yes. Of course I’m happy. [Cut to Angela Merkel] Is that not coming across? I have been working on my smile. Yay!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Merkel]

Colin Jost: No. It seems a little tortured.

Angela Merkel: Well, to be honest, Colin, part of me was hoping to retire even though the average retirements age in Germany is 87, [Cut to Angela Merkel] at which point you transition into manual labour. Also, my victory was bitter sweet because the far, far right party won seats in our parliament for the first time since– you know– [mouth gesturing] [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What was that?

Angela Merkel: You know. The– [gibberish]

Colin Jost: Okay, yes, the Nazis. Right, yeah. You seem a little stressed out, chancellor.

Angela Merkel: Oh, thank you.

Colin Jost: No, I mean I’m worried about you. It seems like you are dealing with a lot.

Angela Merkel: Well, tell me about it. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It’s like everyone in Europe is having a Rowdy Slumber party and I’m the mean mom who has to send them straight to bed without their radishes.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Do you have any allies left?

Angela Merkel: No ally. It’s mostly access these days. [Cut to Angela Merkel making faces] Except, except–

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Angela Merkel: Except for that French hunk Macron, ooh-la-la. Get me some diaphragms. I think of him and I’m like, “Obama who?” [looking at the camera] Barack, is it working? Am I making you jealous? Leave Michelle.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. I can tell you’re still a little hung up on president Obama, huh?

Angela Merkel: I know I must accept that it’s over and move on. So, I decided to get rid of everything in my house that reminds me of him. [Angela Merkel pulls out a box] A love letter that I wrote to him but never sent. [reading the letter] “To whom it may concern, I respect you, tepid regards, Merkel.”

Colin Jost: It’s beautiful.

Angela Merkel: [pulls out a CD] A CD I made you but was too shy to give. It’s a mix of all the songs by Creed. [pulls out a picture of her and Obama] A picture of us at the G20 summit. I was cold and you let me borrow your jacket. Turns out we were wearing the same suit. [closes the box and puts it away] I had to stop following him on social media so I wouldn’t be tempted to slide into his DMs. One night, I had one too many shots… one. And I sent him a picture of my bare knee. He wrote back, “Is that a peeled potato?”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. It’s got to be hard to go from Obama to Trump. I heard Trump didn’t even call you. He had four days to congratulate you.

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Dis muta fuka. Four days. [yelling] Four days! Which in Germany is like 20 business days. Finally, I sent him a tiny email. I was like, “Are you going to say anything?” And he was like, “Oh, sorry, Just saw this, didn’t have my phone.” And I was like, “That feeling when he doesn’t text you back, but you see him tweeting.”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, chancellor, I hope you find some time after your victory to relax and have fun. I mean, Halloween’s right around the corner.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Yes, yes. I already know what my costume will be. [Cut to Angela Merkel] I’ll be going as slutty Angela Merkel. That’s me, but with a hat.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel, everyone!

Oval Office Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

David… Kyle Mooney

Steve Bannon

Malcolm Turnbull… Beck Bennett

Enrique Peña Nieto… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Mate McKinnon

Emmerson Mnangagwa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Donald Trump in the oval office] [cheers and applause] [David walks in]

David: Excuse me, Mr. President, I’m heading home for the night. Can I get you anything?

Donald Trump: No, thank you, David. But hey, how do you like working at the White House? Are your parents proud?

David: I tell them I work at Applebee’s.

Donald Trump: That’s great. One more thing, you know I love my daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared. They always keep me so calm and make sure I don’t do anything too crazy.

David: That’s true, sir.

Donald Trump: So, quick question, are they gone?

David: Yes, they don’t work on shabbat.

Donald Trump: Perfect. When the Jews are away, the goys will play. So send in Steve Bannon.

[David walks out] [creepy music playing and a grim reaper walks in. He is Steve Bannon.]

Steve Bannon: Hello, Donald. I have arrived.

Donald Trump: Hi Steve, you look rested.

Steve Bannon: Thank you.

Donald Trump: Not me. I’ve had a long day. I’m tired and cranky. And I feel like I could just freak out on somebody.

Steve Bannon: Then maybe you should call Australia.

Donald Trump: Really? I mean, I haven’t been briefed or anything. But, what could go wrong? Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Malcolm Turnbull]

Malcolm Turnbull: Hello, primi Minister Turnbull.

Donald Trump: Yes, hello. It’s the Donald.

Malcolm Turnbull: President Trump. How are you? I hear there’s been a lot of blowback over your Muslim ban.

Donald Trump: No there wasn’t. Everyone loves it. We had to do it because of that huge massacre at bowling green.

Malcolm Turnbull: Never heard of that one.

Donald Trump: Yeah, it was horrible. So many people died, but actually, they’re the lucky ones. They don’t have to see how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten.

Malcolm Turnbull: Well, Mr. Trump, thank you for still accepting our refugees.

Donald Trump: Homie say what?

Malcolm Turnbull: President Obama said America would accept 1,200 refugees. Your country’s compassion will not be forgotten.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. NO, refugees. America first, Australia sucks, your reef is failing, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Malcolm Turnbull: Wait, wait, what?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Steve, I think that went bad. Was that bad?

Steve Bannon: No, it went just according to plan.

Donald Trump: Whose plan? Your plan?

Steve Bannon: No, your plan.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Good. Let’s call Mexico. I figured out a smart diplomatic way to get them to pay for this wall.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call] [Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ola, President Peña Nieto.

Donald Trump: Guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: No, guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: NO, no, you have to say “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ha-ha-ha. You said “What”, you’re going to pay for the wall.

Donald Trump: No way, you’re paying, loser! You’re bad hombre. Here come our tanks. Prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Hey, Steve, I’m getting too worked up, maybe I should stop.

Steve Bannon: Or, maybe you should call Germany.

Donald Trump: Okay.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Hello? Is this my sweet Barack? Barack Obama, I miss you.

Donald Trump: No, it’s Donald Trump.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Gross. Hi, Donald. Are your people still protesting?

Donald Trump: Yes, everyone is marching in the street, they’re so upset about how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten. But I’m feeling great. Tomorrow, I’m having lunch with very important up and comer. His name is Frederick Douglas.  I’m trying to get hold of him right now. He’s very busy though.

Angela Merkel: Um-hmm. Well, that’s very cool, Donald. I think I should– I have to go.

Donald Trump: Also, I want to be serious for just a moment. Last week, it was holocaust remembrance day. As you know, 6 million were at my inauguration. I mean, there were so many people at my inauguration, the media refuses to cover it, so unfair. One day I’m going to write a memoir about this struggle and call it ‘My Struggle.’ What would that be in German? Angela?

Angela Merkel: It’s actually Angela (An-Gel-la).

Donald Trump: what?

Angela Merkel: My name is Angela.

Donald Trump: No, no, don’t correct me. I’m in charge now, Germany sucks, your wall failed, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone.] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Good. That was hilarious.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Oh, I just had a great idea, watch this.

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello?

Donald Trump: Hello, congratulations, you’ve won a free cruise for tour to Hawaii. All you need is your country’s credit card number.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: We’re not paying for the wall, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes, you are!

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve, all of our so-called allies are being so mean to me.

Steve Bannon: Why don’t you call some random little country, show them who’s the boss?

Donald Trump: What about Zimbabwe?

Steve Bannon: Perfect! Show them the might of America!

[Donald Trump is making a phone call] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Emmerson Mnangagwa]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello.

Donald Trump: Zimbabwe, this is new sheriff in town.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Wait, is this Donald Trump?

Donald Trump: Yes.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: You think you are dictator? I will rip out your spine and drink from your skull. You cannot even walk downstairs you little white bitch! Don’t you ever call Zimbabwe again.

[Emmerson Mnangagwa hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Okay, Donald. That’s enough fun for tonight. Can I have my desk back?

Donald Trump: Yes, of course, Mr. President. I’ll go sit at my desk, yeah.

[Donald Trump leaves the president’s seat for Steve Bannon] [Donald Trump sits at a little desk that’s beside president’s desk] [Donald Trump is playing with toys]

So much fun, I love it.

Steve Bannon: Yeah, this is fun. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update Angela Merkel on Time magazine

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President elect Donald Trump was named Time magazine’s person of the year for 2016. Here to comment is last year’s person of the year, German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

[Michael Che slides in]

Michael Che: Hello, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi. How are you?

Michael Che: Good to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Good to have you. So chancellor, what do you think about Time choosing Donald Trump?

Michael Che: Well, you know, it kind of undermines the honor for me. [Cut to Michael Che] It’s like winning the Noble Prize for physics and then the next year they give it to Huberstank. You know 2016 has been a real Volkswagen. Brexit, Trump, left me with more questions than answers. It was nihilistic even by the German standards. But I’m coping. I’ve spend many anight in my bathtub with my two best friends, a glass of riesling and an adult coloring book. The other day, I colored a peacock. Then David Cameron called he always knows how to cheer me up. He said, “Let’s call Donald Trump and pretend to be the presidents of Taiwan.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow! Yeah. Now, I have to ask, are you worried at all about the rise of nationalism in America and Europe?

Michael Che: No. Nationalism in Europe? What could go wrong? [Cut to Michael Che] Sorry, that was the first German attempt at sarcasm. I’ll work on it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, it was good. It was good. Now, you’re not excited then, I assume, about the alt-right movement?

Michael Che: Ah, yes, in America you call it alt-right. In Germany we call it ‘Why grandpapa lives in Argentina now’. Forgive me, Colin. I must let out a German scream.

[screams with her mouths closed]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, that was a scream?

Michael Che: Yes. That’s right. In Germany we shout our problems into our stomachs.

Colin Jost: It seems very healthy. Now, have you spoken to Hillary since the election?

Michael Che: No, no. She is so deep in the woods, I’m worried she’ll come upon a candy house. [Cut to Michael Che] I had such hopes for Hil. I was so sure we were gonna be besties, staying up all night eating junk food, playing F Marry Kill the Leaders of Asia. We would do each other’s makeup, you know, just chap stick and sun block. Watch our favorite movie ‘Bad Moms’. In Germany, this is a mom who lets her child go to art school. And of course, we would talk about Barack. Oh, my Barack. [singing] I will remember you, my Barack, Barack Obama. We just made his last visit to Germany as president and I stole one of his gloves so he would have to come back and get it. But apparently he hs many gloves.

[Michael Che starts screaming with her mouth closed] [Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Chancellor, it’s okay. It’s okay. Just cheer up. Cheer up, it’s the holidays. Remember? It’s the holidays.

Michael Che: You’re right, you’re right. Maybe I will get some of the gifts on my list. [Cut to Michael Che] This year I asked for world peace, a bowl so I can cut my own bangs and a gift certificate to my favorite store, the Women’s Warehouse. You’re going to look the way you look, I guarantee it!

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel, everyone!

Weekend Update Angela Merkel on Time Magazine

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Time magazine this week named Angela Merkel as it’s 2015 person of the year. Here to comment is German chancellor, Angela Merkel.

[Angela Merkel slides in]

Angela Merkel: [in calm voice] Woo, woo, woo.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, are you okay chancellor?

Angela Merkel: I’m trying to celebrate. My body is rejecting it.

Colin Jost: Your body is rejecting celebrating?

Angela Merkel: Well, let me talk. Oops!

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, Time person of the year though. Right? I mean you must be at least flattered by the honor.

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Of course, this is unt-hoot as well as un-tolla. But 2015 has not been the easiest year. Greece wanted to borrow more money. Syria asked if 1 million refugees could sleep on my couch. Unt, my favorite blazer has been discontinued at the short unboxing. Plus, [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost. Angela Merkel pulls out Time magazine with her on the front page.] look at my face. This is like a pile of oat meal with two blueberries for eyes. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It just smiles and says, “Are we done here?” [starts sobbing]

Colin Jost: Now, hold on. [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost] I think it is at least a huge deal. You know? Cheer up. Think of it as a Christmas present from Santa Claus.

Angela Merkel: Yea right, you’re right. But in Germany we do not have Santa Claus.  We have an ancient demon named Crampas. [Cut to Angela Merkel]

Colin Jost: Oh yeah.

Angela Merkel: Yes. Your horror movie is what our children look forward to all year. If you’re nice, he gives you a tiny block of thick paste. And if you’re bad, he ices your out emotionally until you scream, “What have I done?” But he never says. He just rolls his eyes and leaves you to punish yourself. But it works.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that sounds terrifying. Now, Donald Trump was very critical of you winning the title. He says you’re ruining Germany.

Angela Merkel: Oh yeah, I guess he prefers earlier stuffs. Woof! Woof! [Cut to Angela Merkel] You know, the only thing he and I’d see eye to eye on is hair shapes. Because we have the same stylist.

Colin Jost: Same stylist?

Angela Merkel: Yes. We just walk in, we have– “You have three seconds, go!”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And Angela, did you hear from any other world leaders?

Angela Merkel: Yes. Hillary and I were exchanging tiny umes… She was like, [Cut to Angela Merkel] “Congrats on the cover, girl.” And I was like, “Congrats on republican nominees, girl. By the way, do you think Barack Obama saw the cover photo because I ran into Barack at the climate summit and he makes my climate warm, like, more than 2 degree Celsius. Woo-woo.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I at least hope —

Angela Merkel: Woo.

Colin Jost: It’s a goo try, it’s almost taking.

Angela Merkel: Woo.

Colin Jost: No, no. It’s weird. It’s weird. You can’t celebrate. I hope you at least take some time to enjoy this moment.

Angela Merkel: Yeah, I will, I will, because our Christmas holiday is coming up and I plan to take full three hours. I will get turned up, there will be so much eggnod.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, eggnod?

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Yes, this is when you watch a chicken hatch from an egg and you nod at it, and it nods back at you as if to say, “We are all born and we all shall die. Merry Crampus everyone.”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Merry Crampus. Angela Merkel, everyone.

Angela Merkel: Time for me.

Weekend Update Angela Merkel on the G20 Summit

Colin Jost

Angela Markel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: This year’s G-20 summit of world leaders came to an odd conclusion when Vladimir Putin stormed off while German chancellor Angela Markel warned that we maybe returning to a cold war. Here to comment is German chancellor, Angela Markel.

[Angela Markel slides in]

Angela Markel: Danke, Colin.

Colin Jost: Welcome, welcome.

Angela Markel: Danke. What shakes/

Colin Jost: Nothing much. How was the G-20 summit?

Angela Markel: Oh! G-20. [Cut to Angela Markel] More like, F-U. And Putin, oh! Putin is the worst, and a brat. But not a brat worst. Now, those I like.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

Colin Jost: And now, did Putin ruin the summit by storming out?

Angela Markel: Oh! [Cut to Angela Markel] Putin’s exit was but a single lemonish snicket in a series of unfortunate events. It’s like the whole summit was like a disasterous international thanksgiving dinner. Italy brought it’s 20 year old girlfriend. France brought it’s wife and it’s 20 year old girlfriend. Saudi Arabia was being insane but the US ignored it kept being like, “Pass the oil, please.”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

Whoof!

Colin Jost: I’m really sorry to hear that, Angela.

Angela Markel: Also, [Cut to Colin Jost] I was told at the summit that I have resting bitch face. But that cannot be true. In Germany, we don’t rest. We toil until we collapse.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

Colin Jost: And now, did you get to talk to President Obama at all while you were there?

Angela Markel: Oh! My poor Barack. Talk about senioritous. [Cut to Angela Markel] She just smokes cigarettes and stare to the calendar of Angela Markel0Colin Jost7. America has turned their back to him. I’d turn my back to him, but in a fun way.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

I bet his Keystone pipeline is XL.

Colin Jost: Angela!

Angela Markel: I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s just… it’s summits. They make you want to do crazy things.

Colin Jost: Like what?

[Cut to Angela Markel]

Angela Markel: Like, grow my hand down to my padded shoulders. Trade my nude bras in for cool beige bras. I want to show up at an old boyfriend’s rock show wearing a shirt that shows my stomach hole. That’s what you call a bellybutton. Bellybutton. So, German chancellor, don’t! So, German chancellor, don’t! So, German chancellor, don’t want none unless you’ve got schnöp son!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

Colin Jost: Angela, I gotta say. I think you need to stay away from summits for a while.

Angela Markel: You’re right. You’re right. I might end up putting on red lip paint in German-kissing a stranger.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, what’s a German-kiss?

[Cut to Angela Markel]

Angela Markel: That’s when you cover the teeth and make the lips into a firm ‘O’. And you just sort of have like a labelled heeve. Whoo! Whoo!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel] [Colin Jost and Angela Markel try the German-kiss]

Colin Jost: I can’t.

Angela Markel: I can’t.

Colin Jost: Angela Markel, everyone.

[cheers and applause]