Reese Dewhat… Kenan Thompson
Anna Maxine-Flint… Barbara… Kate McKinnon
Hatty Smirs … Midge … Emma Thompson
[Starts with Cinema Classic intro]
Narrator: You’re watching cinema classics on PBS.
[Cut to Reese Dewhat in his set]
Reese Dewhat: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese Dewhat. And Dewhat’s up, everybody? Tonight we take a look at the 1953 classic ‘Always be sisters’, starring long-time Hollywood rivals [Cut to picture of Anna and Hatty] Anna Maxine-Flint and Hatty Smirs. [Cut to Reese] ‘Always be sisters’ was hailed as a Triumph of cinema by the marketing team and a piece of real-time stinko by everybody else. Perhaps because both actresses had it written into their contract that they would have the last word in every scene. But that would only be a guess, and as has been established, I am a terrible guesser. Just ask my wife, who asked me to guess that she made for dinner, to which I replied, ‘Mistakes’? Worst mother’s day ever. Let’s watch a scene now and see if you can spot the actresses trying to cleverly get the last word in.
[Cut to the movie scene. Barbara is combing her hair.]
[The door knocks]
Barbara: Come in.
[Midge walks in the door]
Midge: Hello, Barbara.
[Cut to Barbara stands up]
Barbara: Midge. I’m surprised to see you here. Opening night, no less.
[Cut to Mitch]
Midge: Well, I wanted to see the damn thing before it closed.
[Cut to Barbara]
Barbara: Well, thanks for wishing me good luck.
[Cut to Mitch]
Midge: I didn’t.
[Cut to Barbara]
Barbara: Oh, Mean. Well, seems like there’s nothing more to be said but good-bye.
[Cut to Mitch]
Midge: Indeed.
[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]
Barbara: Agreed.
Midge: Sure.
Barbara: Okey-dokey.
Midge: Yes. And once I leave, it’s the end.
Barbara: Well, [Cut to Barbara] if I didn’t know better I would say you were trying to get the last word in. Which is kind of my thing.
[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]
Midge: Guilty.
Barbara: Guilty as they come.
[Cut to Mitch]
Midge: Then I better call my lawyer.
[Cut to Barbara]
Barbara: And your lawyer better call his lawyer.
[Cut to Mitch]
Midge: Too many lawyers. That makes lawyer soup.
[Cut to Barbara]
Barbara: Lawyer, lawyer pants on fawyer.
[Cut to Mitch]
Midge: I guess all that can follow that is silence. Good-bye, old friend.
[Cut to Barbara and Mitch. Mitch leaves the room in a hurry.]
Barbara: [Barbara spreads her arms and starts singing]
For love conquers all
[Mitch enters the room again]
Midge: I forgot my purse.
[Cut to Barbara]
Barbara: You weren’t carrying a purse.
[Cut to Mitch]
Midge: I forgot my lamp. And cut.
[Cut to Barbara]
Barbara: You can’t call cut. What are you, a director?
[Cut to Mitch]
Midge: Why, do you want to sleep with me?
[Cut to Barbara]
Barbara: Why are you a—
[Cut to Mitch]
Midge: All right, you say the last line and we’ll be done with it. I don’t care. I never cared.
[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]
Barbara: Fine.
Midge: Good.
Barbara: Job.
Midge: He–
Barbara: Said–
Midge: To–
Barbara: The–
Midge: Mud hound store.
Barbara: No. That makes no sense.
[Cut to Mitch]
Midge: That makes about as much sense as you saying the last line. [Cut to Barbara and Mitch] I’m running.
Barbara: I’m running. I’m running.
[Barbara and Mitch both leave the room]
[Both of them enter the room again]
Barbara: Me.
Midge: Me.
Barbara: Me.
Midge: Me.
Barbara: Me.
Midge: I’m talking, foreskin. Tarantula.
Barbara: That’s it. Okay. Fade to black. Credit’s roll. MGM Lion. Roar.
Midge: The end, the end.
[Alex enters the room]
Alex Moffat: Places. Time for places.
[Mitch pushed Alex out of the room]
Midge: Loo, Barbara. I don’t want to fight anymore. There’s enough sky in the sky for both of our stars to shine. Besides –
Barbara and Midge: We’ll always be sisters.
Barbara: Bye.
Midge: Bye.
Barbara: Bye.
Midge: Bye.
Barbara: Bye.
Midge: Bye.
[Cut to Reese]
Reese Dewhat: And they were never heard from again. What? That’s not right? Well, who wrote these notes? Tony? What happened to Mitch? Arrested? For what? Well, who did he expose? Oh, his own self. Where? My dressing room? Well, then I need to switch. Why not? Well, she can move for “Cinema Classics”, I have been Reese De’what!
[Ends with outro]