Annie

Annie… Melissa Villaseñor

Golly… Cecily Strong

Ricky… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the feel good orphan musical, Annie.

[Annie arrives at her new home]

Annie: Wow, wee. I can’t believe this is Mr. Warbuck’s house. It’s so much bigger than the orphanage.

Golly: Well, Mr. Warbucks is the richest man in America. But it’s not just his house anymore, Annie. Now, it’s your house too. And I may be getting ahead of myself but…

[singing] I think you’re gonna like it here

[house cleaners and helpers walk in dancing]

Annie: Golly, who are all these people?

Golly: Staff of course. They’re here to meet your every need.

Ms. May will clean up all your toys.

Ms. May: Make as big of a mess as you want.

Golly: Ms. Fink will make your bed each day.

Ms. Fink: It will be my pleasure.

Golly: Chef Pat is here to cook your meals.

Chef Pat: I’m thinking Lobster Thermidor.

Golly: And we don’t know what Ricky does.

Ricky: Ay, look. I can’t talk about it. Alright? Go someone else.

Golly: Ms. Fin will teach you how to read.

Ms. Fin: You’ll be excellent student.

Golly: Ms. Cob will teach you how to write.

Ms. Cob: You’ll be in shape in no time.

Ricky: And I’m not a creep or anything like that
Hey, welcome to the mansion. Have a tootsie roll.

Annie: I think I’m gonna like it here. Thanks, mister.

Golly: No, no, no. Don’t eat that. What are you doing?

Ricky: I don’t know. I got worried that the kid would think I’m a creep or somthing.

Golly: So you gave her candy from your pocket?

Ricky: Yeah. Look, kid, there’s a simple reason I can’t sing about what I do for Mr. Warbucks. Okay? And the reason is it’s illegal.

Annie: What’s illegal?

Ricky: Has he got money? Not much. You know. Anyway, I’ll get out of her.

Golly: Yeah, please do.

Ms. May will teach you how to swim

Annie: Ms. May?

Ms. May: I clean and swim.

Golly: Ms. Fink will comb your hair each night.

Annie: You will?

Ms. Fink: Yeah, whatever. But you know, since it came up, I would like some answers about what you do here, Ricky.

Ricky: Ah, sweetheart, let’s let sleeping dogs lie, yes?

Ms. Fink: No, no, no. We’ve been intimate with each other. For three, four last time. So talk.

Ricky: I mean, no. Come on. Let’s keep the focus on Amy.

Golly: No. Her name is Annie.

Ricky: Nobody cares, okay? Look, guys, it’s no big deal, okay? Mr. Warbucks and some of his rich friends have a little club, right? Okay? And I provide a service for that club, and in return he pays me 20,000 Gs a week.

Golly: What?

Ms. May: Good god. What the hell kind of club is this, Ricky?

Ricky: It’s nothing. Anyway, [singing] I think you’re gonna love this house.

Let the kid sing. Go on, Amy. Sing.

Annie: Used to room in a tomb, where I’d sit and freeze
look me now, holy cow–

Golly: [interrupting] Sorry, Annie, to break in. I think we’re all uncomfortable. We’d like to know more about this club and what you do for them.

Ricky: Christ! Okay, here’s how it is. Mr. Warbucks and his pals get together every month and have a ceremony where they eat a very rare, very expensive type of meat. I provide that meat.

Annie: Oh god. Are they eating–

Ricky: No, no, no. It’s not what you think, okay? It’s people. They’re already gone, okay? When I get them. Alright? And their families are paid very handsomely for their troubles.

Chef Pat: That’s what I’ve been cooking? I thought that was pork.

Annie: Pork? Yummy! I’d sure like to try that.

Golly: No, no, no.

Ricky: Amy, that’s not for you. Okay. Finish up the song. It’s a great song. I love it.

Golly: Okay. Thank you. Okay. We will.

Golly: We’ve never had a little girl.

Ricky: And neither has Warbucks and his pals, okay? He’s never eaten a kid, okay? All he’s eaten is adult meat. It’s part of a ritual.

All: We have but one request

Ricky: Don’t look in the freezer

All: I think you’re gonna like it her

[Mr. Warbucks walks in]

Mr. Warbucks: My home is your home, Annie. Are we all set for the feast, Ricky?

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Mr. Warbucks: And what will we be eating?

Ricky: Your choice, sir. Italian or Greek?

Mr. Warbucks: Let’s have both. Right this way, gentlemen.

[Four adults wearing masks walk in]

Weekend Update Animal Annie and Iguana

Colin Jost

Annie… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: An Octopus named Inky made a daring escape from an aquarium in New Zealand and experts say Octopuses may be among the smartest animals on earth. Here with more with this is our animal fact expert, Animal Annie.

[Annie slides in]

Annie: Oh. Hi there Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi Annie. Welcome. So what can you tell us about Octopuses?

[Cut to Annie]

Annie: Well, here’s a fun fact. Octopuses have three hearts. Which is funny because my landlord doesn’t even have one.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, okay.

Annie: And hey, [Cut to Annie] you ever wonder why flamingos are so pink? It’s because they eat so much shrimp. I guess that’s why I’m the color of a hamburger bun. And did you know that starfish don’t have any brains? Wow! I didn’t realize my ex boyfriend was a star fish. I wonder if they’re liars like him too.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What was the last part?

Annie: Oh well, did you know that when a koala is born, it’s just the size of a jelly bean. [Cut to Annie] And when I was born, I was the size of an Easter ham and then my dad left.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, hey Annie, do you have any fun facts that are more like… fun?

Annie: Oh, yeah. Oh, this one is really fun. [Cut to Annie] Cows poop up to 16 times a day. I’m like, “Only 16? Catch up, cows!”

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Annie, are you okay?

Annie: Who are you? My doctor? [laughing] [Cut to Annie] And Che, you are gonna love this one, okay? Iguanas have two penises. But I wouldn’t know what to do with either one of them, right Daniel?

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Who is Daniel?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Also, why would I like that one? I mean, I did. But how would you even know that?

[Cut to Annie]

Annie: Oh, and hey, did you guys know that oysters can change their gender? Meanwhile, I got cat-fished by a 14-year-old member of ISIS.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Annie, you really seem to know your animal facts but you might want to spend some time figuring out the rest of your life.

Annie: Oh, I have Colin. Okay? I have a new boyfriend and he’s here with me tonight.

[Someone passes Annie a huge Iguana]

Colin Jost: Oh, wow.

Annie: Hi honey. [Cut to Annie] Honey, honey, honey. Oh, honey. Settle honey. [Colin Jost laughing] Oh, yes. This is Mr. Magic. Oh yeah. And a couple of fun facts about him. He is not a liar. Okay? And he never gets mad at me. The most he’ll ever do is be like [looking around]. Yeah, he’s hot. Plus, he does have two penises, right Che?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh yeah, that’s funny.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Animal Annie, everyone.

Annie: Iguana boyfriend!