Male voice: At Southwest Airlines, we pride ourselves on a smooth flying experience.
Heidi: But over the holiday season, we messed up. Our system collapsed and thousands of fliers were left stranded. And you understandably screamed at us for days on end, even more than you usually do.
Michael: And sure, we lost $800 million in revenue and are being investigated by the FAA.
Devon: Which is why this year we are dedicated to making things right with a better more modern Southwest experience.
Heidi: For starters, we are finally upgrading our entire communication system to 2008 Dell computers.
Devon: That’s right. We are saying bye-bye to those 2002 IBM ThinkPad laptops with a little red nipple in the middle.
Heidi: Also, no more missing baggage at baggage claim. Guaranteed.
Marcello: From here on out, all luggage will be sorted by color.
Mike: That makes it your responsibility, not ours.
Marcello: So if you’re going to Dallas, bring a red suitcase.
Mike: Don’t show up with a blue bag. Blue bags, go to Charlotte.
Michael: And make sure to get to the airport early to enjoy our new Southwest premier lounge located inside an active Starbucks. We just get there early and hold down two or three tables for y’all.
Devon: Southwest is also modernizing our entire air traffic control network.
Heidi: No more pen and paper. Our air traffic specialists will now be using our old IBM ThinkPad laptops with a little red nipple in the middle.
James: Now I get a proper flight schedule instead of finding out where I’m going 15 minutes before takeoff.
Punkie: And now, we’ve streamlining check in by not having one at all.
Andrew: We’re just trying to fill up the plane and go.
Punkie: “You showed your ticket at security, right? You’re good.”
Michael: We’re also upgrading our in flight staff strictly with people who used to work at Waffle House. So come at them if you want. These big bitches don’t play.
Heidi: Here at Southwest, mistakes you made, that’s on us. Mostly. Some of it’s on you.
Devon: Hey, man, let’s keep it real. You bought the ticket.
Heidi: Again, you bought a Southwest ticket. You obviously don’t respect yourself, so why should we?
Punkie: Thank you.
Michael: Thank you.
Heidi: Thank you.
All: For flying Southwest.
James: Welcome aboard. [the pilot opens his Aviators. He doesn’t have one eye.]
Male voice: Southwest Airlines. If it’s that important to you, just walk.