George W. Bush Announcement Cold Open

George W. Bush… Will Farrell

Male voice: And now it’s announcement form the 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush.

[Cut to George W. Bush walking to the podium] [cheers and applause]

George W. Bush: This is an important day. I’ve made a big decision. I’m entering the race for president of the United States of America.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you. Few of the republicans out there are so messed up I figure it makes you miss me, doesn’t it? And that’s saying a lot. I’ve already got my campaign song. “Ready or not, here I come, you can’t hide, I’m gonna find you and make you love me.” That’s a little something from the Fugees. I’m telling ya’, I can beat these guys. Here, let’s take a look. It’s some of the front runners.

[Cut to a picture of Ben Carson] Dr. Ben Carson. [Cut to George W. Bush] I can barely hear him when he talks. I’ll tell you something, that’s not gonna work when you have to go to China or Azerbaijan, where you have to talk loudly so they will understand. Not to mention, he’s some kind of brain surgeon. And I got news for him, running the country is not brain surgery. Trust me, I know.

Next. [Cut to picture of Carly Fiorina] Carly Fiorina. [Cut to George W. Bush] I like Carly. She’s got guts. She got fired from her job. She got her butt kicked in her senate race. She’s not qualified in any way to be president. In many ways, she reminds me of me. But she isn’t me. I am me.

Next. [Cut to picture of Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz] Rubio and Cruz. [Cut to George W. Bush] Sounds like a Miami law firm. If you’ve been injured on the job, call Rubio and Cruz. These two guys, the sons of immigrants hate immigrants. I for one, like the Mexican people. They are my amigos. Tex-Mex is my favorite kind of food. I enjoy the slow roasted carnitas and chevys. Laura always orders the baha sampler with blue crab enchiladas. The way I see it, unless you’re name is Running Bear or Chief Two Rivers, we’re all anchor babies. That’s something to think about.

[cheers and applause]

And then you got this knuckle head. [Cut to a picture of Donald Trump yelling at the mic. It looks like he’s gonig to eat the mic.] [Cut to George W. Bush laughing] With a hair and a 100 foot wall. Bring that picture back. [Cut back to the same picture of Donald Trump] [Cut to George W. Bush laughing hard] Whenever I get into a bad mood, I just picture his big fat orange face. I just pissed my pants. And now he says he wants to keep all the Muslims out. Yeah, great idea. That’s impossible to implement and not what this country is about. That’s like saying let’s keep all the leprechauns out. We tried tiny leprechaun internment camps in the late 1920s. And as you all know, it totally back fired. Leprechaun relations has never recovered since. That’s why they are so hard to find. I’m serious, when was the last time you saw a leprechaun? I say no thanks to Donald Trump.

Next. [Cut to picture of Jeb Bush] Jeb, oh boy! [Cut to George W. Bush] Poor Jeb. You gotta admit, it’s a pretty good plot twist that I turned out to be the smart one. I wish you would have asked me about the exclamation point at the end of his name. Look, I don’t like the taste of broccoli. But it doesn’t get any tastier if you call it “Broccoli!” He doesn’t stand a chance in this field. He’s an insider who knows how to govern. The republican voters don’t want that. They want someone who is cuckoo for coco puffs.

Running the government is kind of like driving a school bus. You don’t want a crazy person driving that bus. You want a simple under achieving not very educated but reliable guy behind that wheel. Someone with a steady hand who will be on time and get into one or two but no more than four accidents a year. You already know that someone. That someone is me. I’ll see you in the White House. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Toots Interrupt Donald Trump’s Announcement

Donald Trump

Toots… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a BTS member and Donald trump in front of SNL stage screen]

BTS member: Okay, Mr. Trump. Here’s a look at the music end show from the last time you hosted.

[The video plays]

Donald Trump in the video: Ladies and gentlemen, Toots and the Maytals.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Toots and the Maytals, they were the musical guests.

[Toots walks in wearing coat that’s red, green and yellow color.]

Toots: Ay, did somebody say Toots?

Donald Trump: Sorry?

Toots: Toots, man! It’s me. It is me. Ay, man, I haven’t seen you in ages, Donald. Where did you go after the show last time? I was trying to find you for the after party, but I was following you in your limo on my moped and you must have lost me at a traffic later somewhere, man.

Donald Trump: I didn’t realize that. I didn’t realize.

Toots: No, no. It’s cool, man. It’s cool. Man, I can’t believe that was 13 years ago.

Donald Trump: Actually, it was 11.

Toots: Well, you say 11, I say thirteen113. So anyway, let me just catch you up with what I’ve been up to since then.

Donald Trump: Listen Toots, I’m in the middle of introducing Sia.

Toots: Well, things have been good. Yeah, family, good. Wife is good. Yeah, let me show you some pictures. Oh, you know what? While I have my phone out, what’s your number again? You know, I switched from Sprint to Cocotel and I lost all my contacts.

Donald Trump: I don’t give out my number to anybody.

Toots: Well, you did it for Lindsey Graham. Hah! Just kidding man! I’m just Toots-ing your horn. Okay. Anyhow, I notice you haven’t chosen a vice president yet. You know, I was sitting on the beach eating some deep fried parrot and I started thinking, “Maybe Toots?”

Donald Trump: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

Toots: Coz musical guest is kind of like the vice president of the show. So in way, I’ve already done it. I even wrote a campaign song.

[music playing] [His band musician appears beside him] [singing] Trump Toots, Trump Toots
Let’s Trump together and Trump some Toots

It’s pretty good, isn’t it?

Donald Trump: You know I carry a gun, don’t you?

Toots: I’ll be seeing you. I’ll be seeing you later.

[Toots and his musician leaves] [The End]