Tag: Announcement

Southwest Airlines Announcement

Male voice: At Southwest Airlines, we pride ourselves on a smooth flying experience.

Heidi: But over the holiday season, we messed up. Our system collapsed and thousands of fliers were left stranded. And you understandably screamed at us for days on end, even more than you usually do.

Michael: And sure, we lost $800 million in revenue and are being investigated by the FAA.

Devon: Which is why this year we are dedicated to making things right with a better more modern Southwest experience.

Heidi: For starters, we are finally upgrading our entire communication system to 2008 Dell computers.

Devon: That’s right. We are saying bye-bye to those 2002 IBM ThinkPad laptops with a little red nipple in the middle.

Heidi: Also, no more missing baggage at baggage claim. Guaranteed.

Marcello: From here on out, all luggage will be sorted by color.

Mike: That makes it your responsibility, not ours.

Marcello: So if you’re going to Dallas, bring a red suitcase.

Mike: Don’t show up with a blue bag. Blue bags, go to Charlotte.

Michael: And make sure to get to the airport early to enjoy our new Southwest premier lounge located inside an active Starbucks. We just get there early and hold down two or three tables for y’all.

Devon: Southwest is also modernizing our entire air traffic control network.

Heidi: No more pen and paper. Our air traffic specialists will now be using our old IBM ThinkPad laptops with a little red nipple in the middle.

James: Now I get a proper flight schedule instead of finding out where I’m going 15 minutes before takeoff.

Punkie: And now, we’ve streamlining check in by not having one at all.

Andrew: We’re just trying to fill up the plane and go.

Punkie: “You showed your ticket at security, right? You’re good.”

Michael: We’re also upgrading our in flight staff strictly with people who used to work at Waffle House. So come at them if you want. These big bitches don’t play.

Heidi: Here at Southwest, mistakes you made, that’s on us. Mostly. Some of it’s on you.

Devon: Hey, man, let’s keep it real. You bought the ticket.

Heidi: Again, you bought a Southwest ticket. You obviously don’t respect yourself, so why should we?

Punkie: Thank you.

Michael: Thank you.

Heidi: Thank you.

All: For flying Southwest.

James: Welcome aboard. [the pilot opens his Aviators. He doesn’t have one eye.]

Male voice: Southwest Airlines. If it’s that important to you, just walk.

Pastor Announcement

Harold… Kenan Thompson

Pastor… Jonathan Majors

Carolyn… Ego Nwodim

Corinne… Aidy Bryant

Christine… Melissa Villaseñor

George… Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Pastor at a church podium]

Harold: You get what you give
and it’s all how you use it

[Pastor and Carolyn walk forward]

Pastor: Wow. Wow. Thank you, Herold, for that beautiful rendition of god is a DJ by P.

Carolyn: Um-hmm. And it’s our honor and pleasure to welcome you to the first damn Baptist Church.

Pastor: I am Pastor JR Jr. and this is my wife Carolyn. We’re so glad to be with you today.

Carolyn: And it’s so good to see you again, sister Corinne. You’re looking much better.

Corinne: Thank you. I had a facelift.

Pastor: Now, the First Lady and I have an announcement because we have no secrets in this church. Can I get an Amen?

All: Amen.

Carolyn: Now, we have shared 24 beautiful years of marriage. And also last year. Can I get an oh no?

All: Oh, no.

Pastor: That’s right. Till death do us part. And since I can’t kill this woman, I have decided that we are going to open up our marriage.

Carolyn: That’s right. Hallelu-we-are open for business.

Pastor: And it’s hard. It’s hard to talk about in front of the congregation, not because it’s wrong, but because we are only romantically interested in some of you.

Carolyn: Those people have already been notified via perfumed invitation. If you did not receive an invitation. I’m sorry, it’s gonna be a no for me, dog.

Harold: Well, what the hell is wrong with me?

Pastor: Harold, I’m sorry. We just don’t see you that way.

Harold: Well, I am shocked.

Christine: I’m excited to maybe date you guys. So how will this work?

Pastor: We’ll be on many apps. For example, Tinder.

Carolyn: Grindr.

Pastor: Hinge.

Carolyn: Google Earth.

Pastor: Angie’s List.

Carolyn: Coffee Meets Penis.

Pastor: And anyone can invite us to Raya, please do.

Harold: Well, I’m on Raya.

Carolyn: No, you’re not, Harold.

Harold: You right.

George: I have a question. Um, open marriage? Is that what I have?

Pastor: No, George, you are just cheating on your wife.

George: Well, do you think she knows?

Punkie: Well, I do now.

Pastor: If you’re wondering where all this came from, we were talking about our hall passes, and she said hers was Barack Obama.

Carolyn: Then he said his list Travis who sings bass in the church choir.

Pastor: And she said, “You know what? I want to change mine to Travis.”

Travis: Wait. I’m Travis.

Carolyn: Correct. It’s something about you. You’re weird, but in a sexy way.

Travis: Aw. Amen.

Pastor: I’m shocked. You’re also engaged right now because certainly some of us are preaching and I don’t get a “Yes, Pastor”, not a “Amen, Pastor.”

Christine: [wearing her lipstick] Yes, Pastor.

Pastor: Christine. Did you just put on a bunch of lipstick?

Christine: That depends. Do you like it?

Carolyn: Now, what are y’all even doing?

Corinne: [showing her cleavage] Well, my shirt fell down.

George: [showing his stomach] My shirt rolled up.

Carolyn: Alright. Now, y’all just being thirsty.

Pastor: Don’t throw it at us. Why don’t you go around and tell us why you think you should be our first.

Harold: [standing] Alright.

Carolyn: Harold, you wanna sit your ass down.

Pastor: We value your friendship too much.

Harold: I know what that means. Friendzoned by my pastor.

Pastor: You know, actually before y’all answer, why don’t we tell you what we’re into. So, here’s a list of the role plays we enjoy. Doctor-nurse.

Carolyn: Girl dog-boy dog.

Pastor: Baseball manager and umpire in a fight.

Carolyn: Jenna and Hodor.

Corinne: But, do you mean Hoda?

Carolyn: I sure don’t.

Pastor: Now, in terms of lovemaking.

Carolyn: Positions we enjoy include missionary. List is over. You have to know we are pastors.

Harold: You sure? Coz I’ve got these nimble organ fingers.

Carolyn: Harold, shut your ass up. You have one job, play the organ.

Harold: One day I’m gonna walk out that door and you are going to miss this.

Carolyn: No. Alright. Well, we got to go ahead and wrap this up. We’ve got our first date with a nice lady who works at a chicken fillet. And today his holiday off it’s Sunday.

Pastor: Can I get my freak on?

All: Freak on! Amen.

George W. Bush Announcement Cold Open

George W. Bush… Will Farrell

Male voice: And now it’s announcement form the 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush.

[Cut to George W. Bush walking to the podium]

[cheers and applause]

George W. Bush: This is an important day. I’ve made a big decision. I’m entering the race for president of the United States of America.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you. Few of the republicans out there are so messed up I figure it makes you miss me, doesn’t it? And that’s saying a lot. I’ve already got my campaign song. “Ready or not, here I come, you can’t hide, I’m gonna find you and make you love me.” That’s a little something from the Fugees. I’m telling ya’, I can beat these guys. Here, let’s take a look. It’s some of the front runners.

[Cut to a picture of Ben Carson] Dr. Ben Carson. [Cut to George W. Bush] I can barely hear him when he talks. I’ll tell you something, that’s not gonna work when you have to go to China or Azerbaijan, where you have to talk loudly so they will understand. Not to mention, he’s some kind of brain surgeon. And I got news for him, running the country is not brain surgery. Trust me, I know.

Next. [Cut to picture of Carly Fiorina] Carly Fiorina. [Cut to George W. Bush] I like Carly. She’s got guts. She got fired from her job. She got her butt kicked in her senate race. She’s not qualified in any way to be president. In many ways, she reminds me of me. But she isn’t me. I am me.

Next. [Cut to picture of Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz] Rubio and Cruz. [Cut to George W. Bush] Sounds like a Miami law firm. If you’ve been injured on the job, call Rubio and Cruz. These two guys, the sons of immigrants hate immigrants. I for one, like the Mexican people. They are my amigos. Tex-Mex is my favorite kind of food. I enjoy the slow roasted carnitas and chevys. Laura always orders the baha sampler with blue crab enchiladas. The way I see it, unless you’re name is Running Bear or Chief Two Rivers, we’re all anchor babies. That’s something to think about.

[cheers and applause]

And then you got this knuckle head. [Cut to a picture of Donald Trump yelling at the mic. It looks like he’s gonig to eat the mic.] [Cut to George W. Bush laughing] With a hair and a 100 foot wall. Bring that picture back. [Cut back to the same picture of Donald Trump] [Cut to George W. Bush laughing hard] Whenever I get into a bad mood, I just picture his big fat orange face. I just pissed my pants. And now he says he wants to keep all the Muslims out. Yeah, great idea. That’s impossible to implement and not what this country is about. That’s like saying let’s keep all the leprechauns out. We tried tiny leprechaun internment camps in the late 1920s. And as you all know, it totally back fired. Leprechaun relations has never recovered since. That’s why they are so hard to find. I’m serious, when was the last time you saw a leprechaun? I say no thanks to Donald Trump.

Next. [Cut to picture of Jeb Bush] Jeb, oh boy! [Cut to George W. Bush] Poor Jeb. You gotta admit, it’s a pretty good plot twist that I turned out to be the smart one. I wish you would have asked me about the exclamation point at the end of his name. Look, I don’t like the taste of broccoli. But it doesn’t get any tastier if you call it “Broccoli!” He doesn’t stand a chance in this field. He’s an insider who knows how to govern. The republican voters don’t want that. They want someone who is cuckoo for coco puffs.

Running the government is kind of like driving a school bus. You don’t want a crazy person driving that bus. You want a simple under achieving not very educated but reliable guy behind that wheel. Someone with a steady hand who will be on time and get into one or two but no more than four accidents a year. You already know that someone. That someone is me. I’ll see you in the White House. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Toots Interrupt Donald Trump’s Announcement

Donald Trump

Toots… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a BTS member and Donald trump in front of SNL stage screen]

BTS member: Okay, Mr. Trump. Here’s a look at the music end show from the last time you hosted.

[The video plays]

Donald Trump in the video: Ladies and gentlemen, Toots and the Maytals.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Toots and the Maytals, they were the musical guests.

[Toots walks in wearing coat that’s red, green and yellow color.]

Toots: Ay, did somebody say Toots?

Donald Trump: Sorry?

Toots: Toots, man! It’s me. It is me. Ay, man, I haven’t seen you in ages, Donald. Where did you go after the show last time? I was trying to find you for the after party, but I was following you in your limo on my moped and you must have lost me at a traffic later somewhere, man.

Donald Trump: I didn’t realize that. I didn’t realize.

Toots: No, no. It’s cool, man. It’s cool. Man, I can’t believe that was 13 years ago.

Donald Trump: Actually, it was 11.

Toots: Well, you say 11, I say thirteen113. So anyway, let me just catch you up with what I’ve been up to since then.

Donald Trump: Listen Toots, I’m in the middle of introducing Sia.

Toots: Well, things have been good. Yeah, family, good. Wife is good. Yeah, let me show you some pictures. Oh, you know what? While I have my phone out, what’s your number again? You know, I switched from Sprint to Cocotel and I lost all my contacts.

Donald Trump: I don’t give out my number to anybody.

Toots: Well, you did it for Lindsey Graham. Hah! Just kidding man! I’m just Toots-ing your horn. Okay. Anyhow, I notice you haven’t chosen a vice president yet. You know, I was sitting on the beach eating some deep fried parrot and I started thinking, “Maybe Toots?”

Donald Trump: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

Toots: Coz musical guest is kind of like the vice president of the show. So in way, I’ve already done it. I even wrote a campaign song.

[music playing]

[His band musician appears beside him]

[singing] Trump Toots, Trump Toots
Let’s Trump together and Trump some Toots

It’s pretty good, isn’t it?

Donald Trump: You know I carry a gun, don’t you?

Toots: I’ll be seeing you. I’ll be seeing you later.

[Toots and his musician leaves]

[The End]