Natalie Portman Announcer Monologue

Natalie Portman

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Natalie Portman.

[Natalie Portman walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Natalie Portman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s so crazy to be back. The last time I hosted, it was in 2006. Back then, I was promoting “V for Vendetta.” And now, the whole country is promoting “V for Vendetta.” And this is the last SNL before the Winter Olympic starts next week. Isn’t that exciting? [cheers and applause] Because NBC sure keeps telling me that it’s exciting.

[Winter Olympics jingle plays. There’s a small commercial ad at left bottom corner of the screen.]

Alright. Very shuttle, guys.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon in their Winter Olympics reporter’s set. They’re talking about Natalie Portman’s monologue like it’s a sport.]

Kenan Thompson: Okay. And Natalie has just completed the short program of her monologue.

Kate McKinnon: That’s right, Kenan. She started off with a charming intro and then transitioned into a light political joke.

Kenan Thompson: That’s a tough combination to pull off, but she had done it marvelously.

Kate McKinnon: She sure has. And I- I’ve seen a lot of hosts who could not.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, yeah? Like, who?

Kate McKinnon: I’d rather not say. Let’s see what Natalie has in store next.

[Cut to Natalie Portman in SNL stage]

Natalie Portman: So, I’m a mom now. And my six year old son actually wrote a joke for my monologue. So, okay, here it is. What’s the funniest letter in the alphabet? It’s P. Get it? Pee? You know what? It might be funnier he said it.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Ooh! A little stumble there.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. That was– that was supposed to be a double joke joke into a triple applause break. I wonder what happened. I’m being told that joke was actually written by a 32 year old writer who went to Yale. Yes. Yes.

Kenan Thompson: Let’s look at that again in slow motion.

[Cut to Natalie Portman. She is acting like she’s in a slow motion video.]

Natalie Portman: It’s P. Get it?

Kate McKinnon: Okay, pause it right there.

[Natalie Portman stops moving.]

Yeah. You can tell that she’s very nervous about this one, Kenan. Lot of flop sweats here [circling her forehead] and here.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. And let’s go ahead and check out band leader Lenny Pickett reacting to that joke.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah.

[Cut to Lenny Pickett in the band]

Lenny: Ha-ha.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. He is not into it at all.

Kate McKinnon: No, he is not. And Lenny’s usually a big laugher.

Kenan Thompson: And now, he’s just visibly swiping through Tinder.

[Cut to Lenny Pickett. He is swiping rights on his phone.] [Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Ooh. Yeah. Completely checked out, Kenan. Well, we go now to our field correspondent, Leslie Jones, who is heading to the Olympics next week and she is standing by the stage right now.

[Cut to Leslie Jones standing by the stage, reporting to them]

Leslie Jones: Thank you. I’m down here at the monologue stage, and well, it’s not good. [Natalie Portman is peeking at the camera from behind] I don’t know why they make these tiny white actresses do standup comedy?

Natalie Portman: Leslie, you’re kind of blocking me.

[Leslie Jones looks behind.]

Leslie Jones: Hey, girl. You are killing it right now. [looks back at the camera] She is not killing it. Also, speaking of me going to the Olympics, did you know that North Korea is really close to South Korea? Um, why did no one explain that to me? I do not want to go now.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: And thank you, Leslie Jones. [cheers and applause] Okay. We go back live to Natalie Portman who is ready for her big finish.

[Cut to Natalie Portman]

Natalie Portman: And I have to ask you guys something. Does anyone here like New York city?

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: And she has landed it.

Kate McKinnon: She mentioned New York City and people were like, “Hey, that’s where we are!”

Kenan Thompson: Ha-ha-ha. An incredible comeback for Portman.

[Cut to Natalie Portman. Leslie Jones is jumping around her with a rose bouquet in her hands.]

Leslie Jones: Haa-haa! I believed in you, girl. You are the real Tonya Harding, baby! Yes! Whooo!

Natalie Portman: We’ve got a great show. Dua Lipa’s here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Ventriloquist

Announcer… Alex Moffat

Wally Culpepper… Will Farrell

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with an announcer at the stage of Hi-Hat lounge] [applause]

Announcer: All right folks, we’re just getting warmed up tonight at the Hi-hat lounge . Please welcome to the stage Wally Culpepper and his little pal Chippy.

[Announcer leaves the stage. Wally Culpepper comes to the stage with his puppet.] [applause]

Wally: Hey! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am indeed Wally Culpepper and this little stick of firewood is Chippy. Chippy, would you like to say “Hi” to all the lovely ladies and gentlemen tonight?[Chippy is the puppet]

Chippy: I sure would. When are they showing up?

Wally: Boy, Chippy, sounds like you might have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

Chippy: I thought so, too. But your wife didn’t mind.

[Cut to audience laughing] [Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Now, Chippy. That’s not very polite.

Chippy: You try being polite when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt.

[Cut to audience laughing] [Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Chippy. This is a family show. Try to keep it G-rated.

Chippy: You try keeping it G-rated when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butty.

[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing] [Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Okay. Okay. We get the point. So do you have any plans for the weekend, Chippy?

Chippy: You try having plans this weekend when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt. I’m not trying to be funny. This man’s entire hand is up my butt.

[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing]

Kenan: Hey, man. Cut it out.

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: You see, Chippy, the audience doesn’t appreciate your high jinx.

Chippy: Don’t listen to him! You are witnessing a crime. And you are all complicit. Help! Help! This grown man has his entire hand up my butt!

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Hey, get your hand out the little man’s butt!

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: I’m sorry?

[Cut to the audience]

Cecily: He said get your hand out of his butt. He’s clearly not into this. Boo!

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Ladies and gentlemen, please. It’s a puppet. It’s just part of the act. I set up a joke and have the puppet deliver a sassy comeback, okay? Watch. Hey, Chippy, tell them what you did last night.

Chippy: I spent hours hemorrahaging on the toilet, you monster. My insides are pulp.

[Cut to the audience]

Cecily: Was that the punch line? Honey, do something.

Kenan: You take your hand out of the puppet’s butt. You are killing him.

Chippy: Just let me go!

[audience booing] [Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: All right, all right! Everybody cool it. I’ll take my hand out. All right? And I’ll show you how ridiculous you’re all acting. [Wally puts the puppet on the stool.] See? It’s just a puppet, okay? Now, can I go on with the show now please, sir?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Chippy, you good man? [The puppet doesn’t speak] All right. I guess.

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: All right. Thank you. Now, let’s have some fun. [Wally takes a jar of lubricant and puts it all over his hand. Then he puts his hand inside the puppet.]

Chippy: Ah! Ah! Ah! That never gets easier.

Wally: Not with you as a partner, it doesn’t. Hit it, Leon.

[music playing]

You say potato and I say potahto.

Chippy: My name is Lewis Maldanado. Someone please call my wife.

Electric Shoes | Season 44 Episode 16

Lyle Woods… Kyle Mooney

Ida May Avery… Leslie Jones

Jarvis Fillmore… Kenan Thompson

Announcer… Sandra Oh

[Starts with Roots of Rock intro] [Cut to Lyle Woods in his set]

Lyle Woods: What’s up? Lyle Woods coming at you through the magic of the airwaves. And this is the Roots of Rock. What a wild ride it’s been. Tonight we look at unsung pioneer blues. [Cut to picture of Ida May Avery] Ida May Avery was called the muse of Memphis. [Cut to Lyle Woods] She got her first piano out of an abandoned church from  an old Chrysler Imperial. In 1966 she was invited to perform on the British pop show ‘Wing Dig’. It was memorable night of music that also stax music artist, [Cut to a picture of Jarvis Fillmore] Jarvis Fillmore. [Cut to Lyle Woods] That footage was never available until now. Check it out.

[Cut to black and white video of Jarvis Fillmore playing]

Jarvis Fillmore: ♪Electric shoes, they’re on my feet, they feel so sweet, out in the streets
♪Electric shoes, they make you move, they make you groove, electric shoes
♪they goin rocka- shaka- maybe even daka
♪my electric shoes!

Thank you very much.

[Jarvis Fillmore leaves the stage and  the announcer comes to the stage]

Announcer: Jarvis Fillmore, wasn’t that fantastic ladies and gentlemen? Jarvis Fillmore.

Jarvis Fillmore: lectric-lectric-lectric-lectric

[Jarvis Fillmore comes to the stage again]

♪Electric shoes, they make you move, they make you groove, electric shoes
♪a thousand watts, is what I got, and that’s a lot up in my shoes.
♪and that’s so bright, so light, a little bit tight
♪my electric shoes!

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

[Jarvis Fillmore leaves the stage] [Cut to the announcer with the audience]

Announcer: Just brilliant. Jarvis Fillmore again, ladies and gentlemen. he was a trip, wasn’t he?

Alex Moffat: Incredible. You’re brilliant mate.

Heidi Gardner: Love you, Doll!

Announcer: Indeed. Very, very nice. Now he have an artist—

Jarvis Fillmore: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick–

Announcer: Oh, he’s still going!

Jarvis Fillmore: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick

[Jarvis jumps in the middle of the crowd here and there]

♪I’m over here
♪Now, I’m over here
♪Now I’m over here
♪Now I’m right here coz I’m so quick
♪And I’m so slick
♪because I got lectric-lectric-lectric-lectric
♪electric electric shoes,

[Jarvis walks up to the stage]

♪they make you move, they make you groove
♪go plug them in, it’s insane
♪tic, tic, tic, tic, tok, tok, tok, tok,
♪tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok
♪my electric shoes

Thank you very much, everybody! Thank you.

[Cut to the announcer with the audience]

Announcer: Jarvis Fillmore smashed it, didn’t he?

Jarvis Fillmore: Lectric-lectric-lectric-lectric

[Jarvis Fillmore walks to the stage again]

♪Electric shoes, they make you move, they make you groove

Thank you very much! Thank you very much.

[Jarvis Fillmore walks out of the stage again] [Cut to Lyle Woods]

Lyle Woods: Jarvis Fillmore played 17 encores that night. But if anyone could follow him, it was Ida May Avery. Take a look.

[Cut to the Announcer and Ida May Avery on the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it is a privilege to have an American blues artist Ida May Avery here with us tonight. Performing her powerful song ‘Deliver us to the mountain top’.

Ida May Avery: That’s right. I–

Jarvis Fillmore: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick

[Jarvis Fillmore walks to the stage again]

♪Electric shoes, they make you move, they make you groove, they never snooze
♪never stop you, they rock you, never ever stop you
boom-shaka-laka-laka-lak
♪Electric shoes, they better move, and take you to, they never snooze
♪and that’s so bright, so light, a little bit tight
♪tic, tic, tic, tic, tok, tok, tok, tok,
♪tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok
♪oh! my electric shoes

Thank you very much! Good night!

[Jarvis Fillmore leaves the stage. Announcer and Ida May walk up on the stage]

Announcer: Tremendous! Jarvis Fillmore, ladies and gentlemen. Now, we only have time for –

Jarvis Fillmore: ♪Power it up, power it up, power it up! Power, power, power!

[Jarvis Fillmore walks to the stage again]

 ♪Power, power! Power, power! Electric shoes, electric shoes 

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!

[Jarvis Fillmore leaves the stage] [Cut to Lyle Woods]

Lyle Woods: Unfortunately, it took another two hours for Ida May Avery to finally get to perform after Jarvis Fillmore suffered what doctors called blowing out one of his balls. We’ll have that footage on the next show. Keep it weird, people.

[Drums roll. Jarvis Fillmore joins Lyle Wood’s set]

Jarvis Fillmore: ♪Electric shoes you never lose
♪I’m here 15 years later just like a terminator

 

The Raunchiest Miss Rita | Season 44 Episode 10

Mrs. Maisel… Rachel Brosnahan

Rita May Johnson… Leslie Jones

Announcer… Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Mr. William Cosby… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with the door of Gaslight Café]

Mrs. Maisel: First, we’re downtown now, [Cut to Mrs. Maisel. She is on the stage of a standup comedy show] so if you have underwear on, you are overdressed.

Narrator: If you liked The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel–

Mrs. Maisel: Have you heard a saying ‘walk a mile in a man’s shoes?’ Well, I put on a pair of my husband’s shoes and my god, were they comfortable. I get why men rule the world. No high heels. Well, that’s my time. I’m Mrs. Maisel. Thank you and good night.

[Cut to Mrs. Maisel walking towards the bar]

Narrator: Then get ready for a whole new perspective.

[Rita May Johnson walks up to Mrs. Maisel]

Rita May Johnson: Mrs. Maisel, that was so inspiring to see a woman go on stage and do stand up.

Mrs. Maisel: Who knows, maybe someday you will be up there. [Drinking her martini]

Rita May Johnson: No. Not me, What would I even talk about?

Mrs. Maisel: Just be honest and say what’s on your mind. In fact, what about doing a set tonight?

Rita May Johnson: Tonight?

[Cut to the announcer on the stage]

Announcer: Coming up next, we got—this can’t be right. She sweeps the floors here. Rita May Johnson.

[Cut to the audience clapping] [Cut to Rita May Johnson walking up to the stage][She walks to the mic]

Rita May Johnson: Hi.

[Cut to the silent audience]

Mrs. Maisel: Remember, [Cut to Mrs. Meisel between the audience] just say what’s on your mind.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson feeling nervous on the stage]

Rita May Johnson: Now is it just me, [Cut to the audience listening patiently] or– does this bitch look like she has never sucked a—[Bleep].

[Cut to Mrs. Maisel surprised] [Cut to audience, silence at first, then burst laughing] [Cut to Rita May Johnson]

Rita May Johnson: —[Bleep].

Narrator: It’s the Rauchiest Miss Rita. [Cut to video clip of the audience in the bar] A show that is a little less stylized and a little more in your face.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson]

Rita May Johnson: I went to this lady’s house and I opened the drawer, 100 dildos! [everybody laughing] You know what I told her? You only got 99 now, because a bitch need one. [everybody laughing] [Cut to audience laughing] [Cut to Rita may Johnson] You Mother–[Bleep] [Cut to Mrs. Maisel and the announcer]

Mrs. Maisel: How long has she been on for?

Announcer: An hour and half.

Rita May Johnson: Is that the light? [Cut to Rita May Johnson] I ain’t never [Bleep] leaving.

[Cut to the scene of closing the bar]

Aidy: I gotta say that Rita’s got something.

Mrs. Maisel: You think so? What if she starts competing with me?

[Cut to Rita May Johnson]

Rita May Johnson: [Bleep][Bleep][Bleep] [Cut to Aidy and Mrs. Maisel]

Aidy: Somehow, I don’t think there is much overlap. [Aidy leaves]

Mrs. Maisel: Also, what’s with the hat? Are you a Newzie?

[Cut to Rita May Johnson. She is smoking on the stage]

Narrator: With an even more exasperated, Tony Shalhoub.

[Cut to Papa and Mrs. Maisel]

Papa: This just isn’t how it’s done, Midge.

Mrs. Maisel: Papa, I’m good at this.

Papa: No, she is good at this.

[Papa points at Rita May Johnson on stage]

Rita May Johnson: This dude knows what I’m talking about, ain’t that right. Mother–[Blee] [Papa is clapping out of laughter]

Narrator: Watch how Midge takes Rita under her wing.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson and Mrs. Maisel are talking, sitting on the booth of the bar]

Mrs. Maisel: Now, if you’re talking about core subjects, you may want to speak about them euphemistically.

Rita May Johnson: Okay. Okay. I got it.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson on stage]

Now we [Bleep] my ass. At least turn on the TV so I have something to watch.[Audience laughing] [Cut to Rita May Johnson and Mrs. Maisel]

Mrs. Maisel: Oh, and you want to make sure to get the audience on your side.

Rita May Johnson: Right.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson on stage]

I bet your [Bleep] is so small – you [Bleep] on your nuts. [Audience laughing] She knows what I’m talking about.

[Cut to Mrs. Maisel laughing with the audience]

Narrator: From the creator of Gilmore Girls and some producers from Def Comedy Jam. The Raunchiest Miss Rita.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson leaving the stage and announcer is on mic]

Announcer: Rita May Johnson folks. This next comic is a lot more clean cut and wholesome. Welcome Mr. William Cosby.

[Mr. William Cosby walks on the stage]

Mr. William Cosby: Thank you.