Morris… Aidy Bryant
Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day
Cecily Strong
Tod… Ryan Gosling
Rafferty… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Morris and Fitzsimmons interviewing three people]
Morris: Thank you all for coming on such a short notice. Once again, I’m agent Morris with the NSA and [pointing at Fitzsimmons] this is special agent Fitzsimmons.
Fitzsimmons: You three are of great interest to the US government as you are the first and only people to have experienced two verified alien abductions.
Cecily: Man, this is nuts. Like, one minute, we are drinking beer in the Kohl’s parking lot. Now, we’re like cosmic curiosity.
Fitzsimmons: Indeed. Now, can you tell us how you were brought abroad the spacecraft?
[Cut to Cecily and Tod]
Tod: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank you for this bitchin hat. It fits my head perfect. And I love it.
[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]
Fitzsimmons: Oh, well, we’re glad you like it.
[Cut to Cecily and Tod]
Cecily: And also to answer your question, sir, it was sort of this pathway made of golden light came down from the spaceship. And we were just like gently ushered in and like, floated up into it.
Tod: Yeah, we got up and– you know, we got up into the hsip and we saw the aliens, glowing beams made of beautiful light. They welcomed us back. It was amazing.
[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]
Morris: I see. And you, miss Rafferty.
[Cut to Rafferty. She is smoking a cigarette.]
Rafferty: Yea, cookie crumbled a little different for me over here. I wasn’t so much lifted by light as I was caught in a net. Little bastards set a snare for me. Next thing I know, I’m being winched straight up through the world’s sappiest pine tree. My slacks got snagged on a branch, so they are gone. And I’m hauled on board with my bush and mu tush hanging out. I see my old pals, the great aliens with the big, fat, stupid eyes and I’m hit with the realization, first time I’ve been on a second date since 2009.
[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]
Fitzsimmons: Now, once aboard the ship, what happened?
[Cut to Cecily and Tod]
Tod: Well, the aliens touched our foreheads. And I saw my whole life, even parts I haven’t even lived yet. In a lot of those parts, I was wearing this hat.
Cecily: Yeah, yeah. It was as if through their touch, I understood the answer to that all-important question, “Why are we here.”
[Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty.]
Rafferty: [in a shock] What? These guys are tripping out at burning man. Meanwhile, I’m stranded at the fire festival. [Cut to Rafferty] I mean, I hadn’t been on board two minutes before the little Grays start tapping on my knockers. Keep in mind, I got no pants, so my tao and my chacco are out. And this one guy peeks around back and starts pointing at my butt like, “Whoa, how did we miss this?”
[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]
Morris: Interesting. And how would you describe their demeanor?
[Cut to Rafferty]
Rafferty: Shoppers storming a Walmart on Black Friday. They were all dropping in, scrambling. A man shot my cheek meat like it’s pizza dough. Right? Some would knead for a bit, you know, and wait for another turn. I mean, if you’re coming back for seconds, that means dinner’s a hit, right?
[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]
Fitzsimmons: Yeah, I wonder if this was some sort of anatomical study.
[Cut to Rafferty]
Rafferty: Na, I don’t think any of these guys were working on the Master’s Thesis. Here’s what I think was happening. [Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty] You might help me out, Ted. Stand up.
[Tod stands]
Yeah, yeah, turn around. Thanks. [Tod turns. Rafferty starts grabbing Tod’s butts.] So, these guys don’t have butts. Regular butts. I don’t think they’re ever seen a crack before. So, my theory is, right, they thought I had like, broken into two pieces and they were trying to put humpty dumpty back together again. They were trying everything. I mean, they were pushing, they were slamming. They’d take one cheek, kind of jiggle it, and then poof! And they were making the sound the whole time like, [making noise]. One guy was trying to like, punch it back together like he was breaking in a catcher’s Mitt. Another one of these idiots was just like jamming his face. [Rafferty puts her face into Tod’s butt] Right in there, looking for the source of the tear. And I was like, “Hey, last guy who did that got double barrel pink eye.” Thanks Tod, you can sit down.
[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]
[cheers and applause]
Morris: How, how were you all returned to earth?
[Cut to Cecily and Tod]
Tod: We were led down a passage wave light cradled by what felt like a big fuzzy mitten. And it almost felt like I was like, god himself was playing with my hair. It was one of the most happiest moments of my life. Right up there with getting this hat.
Cecily: Tod, ease up on the hat. Um, but when the aliens left, I do remember like, feeling happy and safe. Because I know they would always be there, like, watch over me.
[Cut to Rafferty]
Rafferty: Alright, that really puts a bee in my beaver. I got pushed out a hatch to find out they let me out on top of the ship. So I got to scoot myself down cold metal to a jump spot. I free fall 20 feet down. I land ass on a pool raft with my pink pocket and my stink rocket on full display in the middle of Danny Randle’s pool party.
[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]
Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry. Who is Danny Randle?
[Cut to Rafferty]
Rafferty: Beats the hell out of me but he’s never going to forget his 12th birthday, I tell you that.
[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]
Morris: Alright, if you would come with us, we’d like to run some medical tests.
[Cut to all]
Rafferty: Just so you guys know, some of the bruises on my keister were there before the aliens got to it.