Last Call with Charles Barkley

Anthony… Kenan Thompson

Charles Barkley

Sheila Sovage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender announcing the last call to the customers at the bar.]

Anthony: Aright desperados, last call. You know, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

[There are only two customers because it’s late. One man and a woman]

Charles: Hang on here, bartender. I’ll have one more speedy gonzalez. That’s a hot margarita with dulcolax in it.

Sheila: And I’ll take a plantar’s punch. Heck, I’ve already got the warts. Hah! Ha-ha.

Anthony: [giving the drinks to Charles and Sheila] Well, drink fast, please.

Charles: Well, well, well, [looking at Sheila] The Oscars are tomorrow. I’m looking at the nominee for the worst possible sport.

Sheila: Maybe you play your cards right and you’ll get to walk my red carpet. Unless you’d rather be my seat filler.

[Anthony is eating spaghetti. He gets disgusted of their conversation and he spits out.]

Hey, mind if I slam my clam a little closer? There’s a nail in this stool and it has pierced my rubber underwear.

Charles: Sure, but let me get this last gulp of clean air before you get here. [Charles breathes in] I’m ready.

[Sheila moves close to Charles]

Sheila: So, where have you been all night? That part of the night where I was lucid?

Charles: I went to bathroom on my hands and knees.

Sheila: Oh, well. Were you sick or were you doing folks?

Charles: I wish. I temporarily lost my crown. It fell in the toilet to an hour. But I got it best.

Sheila: Oh, great! That’s great. That’s great. It’s worth it. My name’s Sheila Sovage. Have you ever seen that show “Naked and Afraid?”

Charles: Why? Were you on that show?

Sheila: No. No. But if you play your cards right, I’ll make you both.

Anthony: [talking on the phone] Yea, hello, ISIS. Yeah, I changed my mind. I will join.

Charles: I gotta be honest. When I first saw you tonight, I thought, “Hello no.” But now I’m not thinking coz I’m drunk.

Sheila: Oh, yeah? And of all the men in here, you’re the only man in here. Let’s go back to my place and do missionary, huh? That’s where you try to teach me English until you get frustrated and leave the country.

Charles: I’d rather do the reverse cowgirl. That’s where I put your cowboy hat over your face and walk you out back till you fall out of window.

Sheila: Oh! You’re bad man. You bad. Maybe we should go for a test drive here in the showroom. Yeah?

[Sheila leans towards Charles]

Anthony: [praying] Dear god. Make me a bird so I can fly far. Far, far away from here. Dear god. Make me a bird.

Charles: Hello, do you have certs?

Sheila: Oh! No. But I do have the next best thing. Um, a lady speed stick.  Yeah. Good idea. [She takes it out and licks on it. Then she rubs it on Charles’s mouth too.] There you go. There. Fresh as a daisy. Let’s do this.

[Sheila kisses Charles, rubs the speed stick on him again, and then agin kiss him.]

[Anthony ziplocks himself inside a suit bag.]

Sheila: Wow! [coughs] Wow! Are you as soft as I am dry?

Charles: I’m engorged.

Sheila: Look. I think our lips are getting in the way of the main attraction. The tongue.

Charles: I got an idea.

Sheila: Oh yeah?

Charles: Let’s try this thing I stole from the dentist.

[Charles pulls out two dental retractors and they both put them in their mouths.]

Sheila: Ready.

Charles: Yeah.

[Charles and Sheila kiss wearing the dental retractors. Anthony is covering his eyes.]

Anthony: Anthony! Don’t look. It’s gonna be too terrible. But yet, I must. What’s the worst thing that could happen? [Anthony peeks] Noo!

[Anthony is turned into a stone]

Anthony Coleman Takes Another Puppet Class

Alex… Taran Killam

George… Bobby Moynihan

Maryland… Cecily Strong

Anthony Peter Coman… Bill Hader

[Starts with a notice board.]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to puppetry for advanced students. [Cut to a puppet class] You all have some experience with puppets. [Cut to Alex] So, we’re gonna be learning some techniques to really make your characters come alive. Um, my name is Alex [he puts up his puppet] and this guy is Wigglesby.

Wigglesby: And I’m a jolly old chap, aren’t I? Chum?

Alex: [laughing] You sure are. Now lets hear from you guys.

[Cut to George]

George: I’m George.

[George puts up his puppet]

Herman the Hippie: And I’m Herman the Hippie, wavy, gravy, man!

George: Look, I didn’t finish my puppet.

[Cut to Alex.]

Alex: You’ll have time. Alright? How about you?

[Cut to Maryland]

Maryland: I’m Maryland. This is the one thing I do each week for me. [she puts up her puppet]And This is old Mrs. Hooper.

Mrs. Hooper: I’m having a little trouble keeping up. What’s Google?

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: I can see, she’s a handful. [laughing] And you

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman. He’s wearing aviators and military jacket.]

Anthony Peter Coman: [talks in deep voice seriously] My name is Anthony Peter Coman, private first class, operation urgent fury, recipient of the Purple Heart, pending, pending for the review.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Uh-huh. Okay. And your puppet’s name?

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman. He puts up his puppet. His puppet is also wearing aviators and a military jacket.]

Anthony Peter Coman: Tony.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Okay. Let’s go ahead and hear from Tony.

Anthony Peter Coman: [Anthony Peter Coman looking at Tony] Go ahead, tell them.

Tony: It was a hot night in Grenada. The enemy was in the trees. the mud, everywhere. Sarge Sig called in the air strike but I must have got my wires crossed. Our own jets came screaming down on us and rained fire. It was like a cook out. And we were the meet. I used my best friend as an umbrella.

Alex: Okay, alright! Wow! [Cut to Alex] Wow! Um, well actually, one thing I like to is start off with a little joke. You like jokes, don’t you Wigglesby?

Wigglesby: Not as much as I like tea and crambits.

Alex: You guys go ahead and give it a try.

[Cut to George]

Herman the Hippie: Hey, have you guys seen the Hobbit movies? They’re longer than my hair, man!

George: I swear, I have the hair at home.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: It’s alright. It’s completely fine. Alright? Do you have a joke for us Mrs. Hooper?

[Cut to Maryland]

Mrs. Hooper: My grand daughter sent me a little picture of a snowman. She calls it an emoji. I call it a waste of time.

[Puppet Tony slides in]

Tony: If I had to use emojis to describe my time at Grenada, it would be palm tree, flame thrower, baby, flame thrower, mosquito, mosquito, mosquito.

Alex: Okay! Okay! [Cut to Alex] Tony, we’re telling jokes now.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Tony: Here’s a joke. God!

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Um, alright. Actually, something that makes puppets fun is that they can actually be very different from ourselves. Like, Anthony, what might be fun for all of us to see is having your puppet be like the opposite of you.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Anthony Peter Coman: The opposite of me? Okay.

Tony: I was not charged with war crimes. My favorite game is not Russian Roulette. I did not lose a full year of my life in porno theaters.

Alex: No, no! [Cut to Alex] I don’t think– I guess I mean like, even a different type of character. Different voice.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Anthony Peter Coman: Okay.

Tony: [In French accent.] My name is Jacqueline, and I like nice perfume. Bonjour.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Yayy! Yes, that’s fun. Tell us about Jacqueline.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Tony: Jacqueline was my undercover identity. Ragen and his goons made me pose as a woman to seduce the general. It was a honey pot, a sex trap. I did what I had to do.

[Anthony Peter Coman takes smokes a cigarette but Tony breathes out the smoke.]

[Cut to Alex looking shocked]

Alex: Um, now when you’re building your puppet’s personality, you wanna think about who your audience will be. So, where do you guys see yourselves performing with these puppets.

[Cut to George]

George: Well, I know this might be a bit cliche, but I always dreamed of one day I would work on Sesame street.

Herman the Hippie: [singing] Can you tell me how to get–

[Puppet Tony slides in]

Tony: [singing] How to get nightmares to stop.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Wow, Anthony, enough! Okay? You need help.

[Cut to puppet Tony shaking. He’s listening voices saying ‘help, help, help’ from the war.]

[Cut to the past where two puppets are walking in the jungle.]

Washington: Thanks for the help, Anthony.

Anthony: No problem, Washington. While you’re with me, everything will be A– Stop!

[Cut to Washington’s leg triggering a mine and it exploding.]

Anthony: No!

[Cut to Washington in Anthony’s arm]

Washington: [coughing] Is that snow, Tony? Is it Christmas already?

Anthony: Yeah, that’s snow. It’s not your damn stuffing. [screaming] Washington!

[Cut to puppet Tony holding Alex’s puppet in his hand]

Alex: Okay, let’s take five, sounds good?

[Everybody agrees]