Weekend Update Second and Third hand news

Colin Jost

Anthony Crispino… Bobby Moynihan

Angelo… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, there’s a lot of news in the news this week. [Michael Che laughing] Here to talk about the news he heard second hand is our second hand news correspondant, Anthony Crispino.

[Anthony slides in and hits Colin Jost]

Anthony: Hey, sorry. Sorry about that. Hey, wow! Wow!

Colin Jost: Came in hot?

Anthony: Came in hot there! Hey, it’s good to be back.

Colin Jost: Good to have you, man.

Anthony: Thank you. Thank you. Look at this guy, million dollar smile, two dollar tie.

Colin Jost: Okay. I feel like it’s a kind of a nice–

[Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar]

Anthony: Hey!

Colin Jost: [scared] Ah!

Anthony: I’m breaking balls, Colin! Come on! [Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar again] Whoop! I got you again!

[Anthony looking around]

So, you hear about this thing, though?

Colin Jost: No. What thing?

Anthony: A lot of stuff going on. This is crazy. Apparently, Sting can’t perform concerts in Chicago no more.

Colin Jost: Sting can’t perform in Chicago?

Anthony: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Coz they got rid of the head of the police.

Colin Jost: No. It’s not–

Anthony: No, it’s true.

Colin Jost: It’s not the band police. They got rid of the actual police chief.

[Cut to Anthony]

Anthony: Um…… pretty sure it was Sting though, Colin. You know, because the mayor was like, “Ay, don’t stand so close to me.” [Cut to Anthony and Colin Jost] You know, that’s what–

Colin Jost: Alright. And who did you hear that from?

Anthony: Who did I hear that from?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Anthony: I heard it from my lotion guy. Slippery Gary.

Colin Jost: Okay!

Anthony: Yeah. Yeah. Good guy. Smart guy.

Colin Jost: He’s a good guy?

Anthony: He’s a great guy. He knows a lot about lotions.

Colin Jost: I really think slippery Gary is misinformed.

Anthony: Okay, alright. Well, you think he is misinformed, you should talk to my third hand news guy.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Third hand news?

Anthony: Um, yeah. He gets all his news from me. Hey, Angelo! Get out here.

[Angelo slides in] [cheers and applause] [Anthony and Angelo are looking around. They’re wearing same outfit.]

Angelo: Oh, hey there Colin. Where did you get that tie, huh? The bad store?

Anthony: Oh!

[laughing] [Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar as he’s laughing]

Colin Jost: Angelo, what have you heard?

Angelo: Oh, well, you know, you hear about this thing though? You hear about this thing though?

Colin Jost: No.

Angelo: Huge movie coming out.

Anthony: Yeah, huge!

Colin Jost: Which movie?

Anthony: Huge.

Angelo: Yeah, huge. Called, “Star Wars and the four Jamaicans.”

Anthony: Yep.

Colin Jost: No, that’s not it.

Anthony: Star Wars and the four Jamaicans.

Colin Jost: No, it’s not. It’s “The Force Awakens.”

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure it’s the Jamaicans, though.

Anthony: Yeah, you know. And there’s four of them. Like, cool runnings. And they always say, “Ay, Luke use the force, man!” You know? It’s crazy.

Angelo: Yeah, and it was directed by Jar Jar Abrahams.

Anthony: Yeah, great director. Great. Good guy.

Angelo: Good guy. It’s like, you know, he said, “Me so wanna direct a movie.”

Anthony: Me so wanna direct a movie.

Colin Jost: That is not accurate.

Anthony: You know, it’s a big time right now in the pop culture.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Anthony and Angelo]

Anthony:  You hear about this thing though?

Angelo: Yea, yea, yea. Yep.

Anthony: Yea, Charlie Sheen.

Angelo: The Charlie Sheen. He’s got the HBO.

Anthony: He’s got the HBO.

Angelo: He’s got the HBO. He’s not gonna watch Showtime.

Anthony: No more Showtime.

Angelo: No more.

Anthony: He has just canceled it, man! You know, and you know who is breaking every music record right now?

Colin Jost: Who’s that?

Anthony: It’s the Del Dude. Yeah.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Anthony and Angelo]

Colin Jost: No. It’s Adele.

Angelo: Colin, you gotta get a Del.

Anthony: You gotta get one Colin.

Angelo: Get a Del.

Anthony: Get a Del, Colin. Please! Please! You know, and the biggest news, the new song right now?

Angelo: Oh, the biggest song right now, it’s about Bill Cosby. Yes.

Anthony: Yeah, Bill Cosby.

Colin Jost: There’s a song about Bill Cosby?

Angelo: Hey got a song about Bill Cosby. It’s called “Jello, it’s me.”

Colin Jost: Alright, you both need to go!

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure we don’t, Colin.

Colin Jost: You do. Leave.

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure…

Colin Jost: Go!

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… [someone brings in a hot whistling kettles.] pretty sure.

Colin Jost: Anthony Crispino and Angelo everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Anthony Crispino

Michael Che

Anthony Crispino… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Well, there’s been a lot of news in the news this week. But here to tell us the news he heard second hand is our second hand news correspondent, Anthony Crispino.

[Anthony Crispino slides in] [cheers and applause]

Anthony Crispino: Hey. Oh! How you dong, there Mikey. Hey, congrats on the new gig, man. Very nice.

Michael Che: Ah, thanks man.

Anthony Crispino: Ay, come on, man! Be humble. People are watching. What are you doing? Come on.

[Anthony Crispino is looking here and there.]

Michael Che: Alright. Anthony, so– Anthony, so what’s in the news this week?

Anthony Crispino: Uh, you heard about this thing? You know, it’s Christmas time. They had a tree lighting hosted by the Rock and old Yellow. Yeap!

Michael Che: No, it was at Rockefeller Center.

Anthony Crispino: Um, I’m pretty sure it was it was the Rock and old Yellow who hosted it. You know? [Cut to Anthony Crispino] It was a huge event. You know? There was a big musical performance by Drew Carrey.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: No, it was Mariah Carey.

Anthony Crispino: Um, sounded more like Drew Carrey. You know? Coz, he messed up and forgot who’s line it was anyway. So…

[Anthony Crispino is still looking here and there.]

Michael Che: Okay. And where did you hear that?

Anthony Crispino: Where did I hear that? I heard it from the owner of my local tanning saloon, Lawrence Fleshburn. Yeap, that’s the guy who told me.

Michael Che: Well, I’m sorry. But Lawrence Fleshburn was mistaken.

Anthony Crispino: Okay. Alright. Lawrence Fleshburn, whole different guy. Not a good guy but, um–

Michael Che: But, I don’t think either one of them said it.

Anthony Crispino: No, not either one of them. But, you hear about this thing? The space prostitutes?

Michael Che: What?
Anthony Crispino: Yeah! Star-whores. They lock themselves n a trailer and they said they won’t come out for a year. Yeah!

Michael Che: It was a Star Wars trailer. The movie comes out in a year.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino]

Anthony Crispino: I agree to disagree, huh. You know, but, um.. you heard about this guy from the Jefferson Shermon Holmsley? Yeah, People magazine voted him the sexiest man yet alive. Yeap. [Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che] He’s moving on up that guy.

Michael Che: Chris Hemsworth was voted sexiest man alive. Anthony, where did you hear any of that?

[Cut to Anthony Crispino]

Anthony Crispino: Um, from my elderly salsa dealer, old Mel Paso.  [Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che] That’s who told me.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, I think he was misinformed.

Anthony Crispino: Okay, alright.

Michael Che: Anything else, Anthony?

Anthony Crispino: Um, well, I’m afraid. You know, I got some upsetting news for the fans of a very beloved fatherly figure. Bing Crosby.

Michael Che: Oh no.

Anthony Crispino: Yeah. I know. It turns out he’s a rap artist or rap-ist as the kids say today.

Michael Che: No.

Anthony Crispino: No. Turns out he’s been rapping for years.

Michael Che: No, no, no, no.

Anthony Crispino: No? [Cut to Anthony Crispino] That’s what Bing Crosby did when they asked him about him. He just shook his head no.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m not even gonna touch that one.

Anthony Crispino: Hey, hey, Bing Crosby would. So…

[Anthony Crispino is looking away]

Michael Che: Anthony. It’s Bill Cosby.

Anthony Crispino: Um, pretty sure it’s Bing Crosby, though there Mike.

Michael Che: But it’s not.

Anthony Crispino: Ummmm, I’m pretty sure.

Michael Che: No!

Anthony Crispino: Ummmmmmmm, pretty sure!

Michael Che: No!

[Cut to Anthony Crispino. Anthony Crispino makes some kind of noise, then coughs.]

Anthony Crispino: Excuse me. I swallowed a chipmunk on my way here this morning.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Anthony Crispino, everyone!

Anthony Crispino: Hey, keep doing the good stuff.