Viral Apology Video

Markie… Kyle

JP… Daniel Kaluuya

[Starts with a YouTube video of Youtubers’ channel]

Markie: Yo, wad up, YouTube? Markie Monroe here with Prank Posse. Yo, it’s been a crazy couple of days here at Markie mansion. Yesterday, we hit you up with that fire host bidet prank on TikTok where me and my boy JP just blasted people and they got super mad at us.

JP: Yo, their faces, bro.

Markie: JP, come on, man! But today, yo, the craziest thing happened. This morning– I can’t even. Y’all just gotta watch this video.

[Cut to Markie in the kitchen having cereal]

Yo, breakfast time! Apple Jacks Head. [Markie pours cereal in a bowl] Wait, what the hell? Yo! Are these mouse bones? Why they got mouse bones in here?

JP: Ay, what’s going on? Dude, that looks like mouse bones.

Markie: Yo, JP, I don’t know what to do! Whoo! I’m mad.

JP: Yo, the cereal company was about to make you eat a damn mouse.

Markie: That’s illegal!

JP: Damn!

Markie: Okay. What would you do in this situation? Would you eat the bones? Hit us up in the comments and let’s get #mousebonestheHELLL? trending. Round up with that noise. You know what time it is. Milk fight!

[cut to Markie and his friends throwing milk at each other.] [The video is paused. Then another video is played. Markie is just sitting on his couch.]

Markie: Hi. It’s me. So, the last 24 hours have been nuts. Our mouse bones video blew up, but with all that attention, some things from my past have come to light. and I would like to address those allegations now. They’re all true and they are all very bad. I’ve been bad to girlfriends, best friends, coworkers, parents, pets, and frankly, my god. But I want you all to know, I am sorry. Just know that I am learning and growing as we speak. Peace.

[The video is paused. Then another video is played. Markie is planning to prank his friend JP.]

Markie: Yo, we’re back. My boy JP is passed to sleep and we’re about to prank him. Let’s do this.

[Markie with his friends carry a TV and throw it on JP from one floor up.]

Oho! Prank party!

Friend: Oh, I think we should call 911.

[The video is paused. Then another video is played. Markie is just sitting on his couch.]

Markie: Hey guys, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for dropping a TV on JP’s head. It did not even occur to me that I could hurt my friend. I am so sorry. And I know a lot of you thought my last apology was insincere. You are right. I was lying. But this time, I mean it. [crying] It was cool and it was funny, but it was wrong. That’s why out of respect, we are going to delay the release of ‘the tricking JP into kissing my penis’ video to next Thursday. That’s just how it has to be. Love you all.

[The video is paused. Then another video is played. Markie is just sitting on his couch.]

Markie: [sobbing] Hey. So, as you all know, tricking JP into kissing my penis video came out and y’all were not happy about it. I even lost my endorsements from Samurai Vapes and Cinabon. And that’s what hurts the most. Y’all have also let me know that some of my past videos could be considered problematic and/or crimes. For example, Shrek costume at funeral, and of course, racist fart on bus. Bottomline, I’m sorry. If you like this apology and you believe it, please check out my other apology videos.

[Cut to JP planning to do a revenge prank on Markie]

JP: Shh. We about to prank Markie.

[JP walks to Markie and hits him hard with a TV.]

Prank Posse!

[Markie does not wake up]

Oh! He is not moving. [sad music playing] I would like to apologize. Bye.

[JP runs out.]

Weekend Update on IHOP’s Apology

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of IHop logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The manager of IHop in Maine has apologized after a waiter asked a group of black teenagers to pay upfront for their meal, which is weird because most people who eat at IHop pay for it about two hours later. [Picture changes to toilet] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Snuggie clothes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Federal Trade Commission has ordered the makers of the Snuggie to pay more than $7 million in refunds over deceptive buy one get one free ads. It’s a rare piece of good news for people who own multiple Snuggies.

[Picture changes to a license plate]

The winner of America’s best license plate is New Mexico’s “Chile Capital Of The World” plate. While the worst is New jersey’s “Da Fuh You Looking At?”

Office Apology

Glen… Beck Bennett

Jenny… Aidy Bryant

Janet… Melissa Villaseñor

Linda Pillard… Scarlett Johansson

Mikey Day

Charlie… Kenan Thompson

Amanda… Cecily Strong

David… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a man announcing in his office]

Glen: Okay, if I can just get everybody’s attention. I know things got a little wild at last night’s holiday party. But I just want to be clear, this is still an office. And we have zero tolerance for any workplace harassment.

[Cut to the employees applausing] [Cut to Glen]

Glen: All right, that being said, unfortunately, we have to fire our vice president of sales, Linda Pillard.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Thank god.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: And also our front desk guy, Charlie.

[Cut to the employees]

Everybody: Awe.

Janet: Not Charlie.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: And if it’s okay, they’d both like to come up here and formally apologize. Come on out here, guys.

[Linda Pillard and Charlie comes out]

Linda Pillard: Hey, guys. I guess I had little too much to drink last night at the party and acted like and idiot.

[Cut to the employees]

Mikey: Oh, you think?

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: To Janet specially. I think I may have mentioned some of your past inter office relationships in front of everybody. And that wasn’t cool. And I’m sorry.

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: It was more than uncool. It was humiliating, Linda.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: And just to piggyback on that, Janet, last night after a little wine, I think I said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, when you going to break old Charlie off a piece of that too?” And then I shook my head, did a little dance, and said, “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”

[Cut to the employees]

Janet: Oh, Charlie, you’re so silly.

Amanda: Charlie, you crack me up.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: Right. And Amanda, I guess I upset you when I made a comment about your dress being a little short for a work event. And I’m sorry.

[Cut to the employees]

Amanda: Oh, you guess? Well, I guess you’re still a rude ass bitch. And that’s why you’re getting fired.

[all employees clap] [Cut to Glen]

Glen: Hey, hey. All right. Let’s keep it clean.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: Amanda! I saw that dress too. And after a few of them vodkas. I think I might have said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, that dress so short, all I see is donkey monkey.” Then I did a little dance. “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.” Out of line. I stand accused.

[Cut to the employees]

Amanda: Okay, Charlie, don’t start nothing you finish.

David: Come on, Glen. You can’t fire Charlie. He’s Charlie.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: I’m not happy about this either, David. But this is above my pay grade.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: Whatever. Anyway, David, I vaguely remember this, but apparently I was being really obnoxious when I kept asking where you were really from.

[Cut to the employees]

David: Yep, and I kept telling you. Boston, you racist.

[the employees clap] [Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: To my man, Kung Fu.

David: Hey, Charlie. Lookie here, man, you know I had a couple of them bourbons last night and I maybe said something to you like, “Mm, man, if I was a gay man, your booty would be in trouble.” But I’m not so your booty all right. And then I did a little dance. I took a bow. And said “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”

[Cut to the employees]

David:  Charlie, I really needed that. Thank you.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: Nothing but love, Kung Fu.

Linda Pillard: Wait a minute. How is that not awful?

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Glen, you can’t fire Charlie. It’s almost Christmas.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Trust me, did I everthing in my power to just fire Linda today.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: What?

Charlie: Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. don’t you worry about me, baby. Maybe I can become the Grinch and bring it to your house. But instead of stealing all your presents, I’ll be stealing that ass. And it won’t just be my heart growing three sizes. Um, um. Girl, don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: I really appreciate that, Charlie.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: What the hell? It feels like you guys are going way easier on him than on me.

[Cut to the employees]

Mikey: Oh, my god! Get over yourself. It’s Charlie.

Amanda: Yeah. He’s just a sweet old man that had a little too much to drink.

Janet: We all did. It was a partly.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: But he’s still drinking right now.

Charlie: What this? Oh, this just a swallow to get me straight.

Linda Pillard: This is completely unfair.

Charlie: Girl, you are too fine to be so stank. Why don’t you slip on old Charlie like a pair of jeans?

Linda Pillard: What? You’re disgusting.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Oh, just take compliment.

David: Yeah, he’s just being sweet.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: You know what? Maybe she’s right. Maybe I did go too far. Is that why I’m getting fired?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Actually, that has nothing to do with why you’re getting fired. HR says your urine sample came back as Lipton iced tea.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Oh, you notice that.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Yeah. And you printed out pornographic pictures on the office copier and left them there.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Oh, all right. So it did work.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Also a woman who identified herself as her wife spray painted cheater on the company van thinking it was yours.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Well, I guess what happens in DeKado comes back nine months later.