Debra Chickum … Aidy Bryant
Sister … Kate McKinnon
Bowen Yang
Melissa Villaseñor
Chris Redd
Hank … Woody Harrelson
[Starts with a video clip of an apple tree]
Debra Chickum: It’s fall and that’s apple picking season.
Sister: So come down to Chickum’s Apple Farm.
[Cut to Debra and her sister]
Debra Chickum: I’m Debra Chickum.
Sister: And I’m her sister.
Debra Chickum: Every year thousands of families visit our pick your own apple farm for their share of fall fun.
Sister: Located in the part of New York state that has confederate flags.
Debra Chickum: Why pick apples? Just ask any of our satisfied customers.
[Cut to Bowen Yang]
Bowen Yang: I never picked apples before, but now I have. I had fun, I think.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: It was cute. Far but cute. A lot of bees.
[Cut to Chris Redd]
Chris Redd: I stepped in a Gopher hole and broke my foot. But my girlfriend had fun.
[Cut to Debra and her sister]
Sister: For just $45 you can bring home $10 worth of apples.
Debra Chickum: Select from our varieties like huge soft.
Sister: Tiny hard.
Debra Chickum: Green.
Sister: Orange.
Both: And apple.
Debra Chickum: What our apples lack in flavor they make up for in on the ground.
Sister: They get the deers drunk.
Debra Chickum: You’ll pick apples under the watchful eye of our farmhand hank.
Sister: He’s a troubled man who came with the land. And we pay him in dentistry.
[Cut to Hank]
Speaker 6: Hi. I’m Hank. I will take you to the one tree that’s working this year. Our apples are best during a very specific window of time. And whenever you come you just missed it.
[Cut to Debra and her sister]
Debra Chickum: Still not feeling picky?
Sister: Listen to this satisfied customer.
[Cut to Chris Redd]
Chris Redd: My girlfriend picked an apple so wrong, she pulled the whole branch off the tree and now Hank says we owe three grand.
[Cut to Debra and her sister]
Sister: We have a petting zoo.
Debra Chickum: Tell them, Hank.
Speaker 6: We found some animals, and now they’re in prison. You can pet them if you pay me. We have goats, sheep. Also got donkey rides. Did you know donkeys can be depressed? The other day I head him say, ‘Stop’. Just like that. ‘Stop’. She’s like Eeyore with a plan.
[Cut to Debra and her sister]
Sister: But hey, we ain’t just apples.
Debra Chickum: We got peaches in theory. Cherries in theory and strawberries in the theory.
Sister: And don’t pass up our cider donuts.
Debra Chickum: They’re donuts but from yesterday.
Sister: And be sure to take home some of our penis gourds.
Debra Chickum: That’s right. They came out extra penis this year.
Sister: Want to hear more about us?
Debra Chickum: People usually don’t.
Sister: We’re unmarried sisters.
Debra Chickum: My hair’s been in one braid for 40 years and now it grows that way.
Sister: I’m 28.
Debra Chickum: It’s Halloween almost.
Sister: Do your spooky activities with us.
[Cut to Hank]
Hank: Our haunted Hayride is staffed entirely by local teen boys who take things way too far. They’re good boys, but if they pull you off the hayride, fight like hell. The masks make them behave different. Mob mentality. I have to be honest with you. They scare the hell out of me.
[Cut to Debra and her sister]
Debra Chickum: So, come. Come play outdoorsiness with.
Sister: Does our business make a profit? No.
Debra Chickum: How do we afford to live? Simple. I wrote the screenplay for ’50 first dates’ based on myself.
Sister: They changed it a lot. They did.
Narrator: Chickham’s Apple Farm. Maybe just go to the store.