[Starts with a commercial]

Male voice: It’s back. The Arby’s 5 for 10. That’s right. You get five Arby’s roast beef sandwiches for only $10. That’s five stacked juicy roast beef sandwiches for just 10 bucks. What do you have to say about that?

Cecily: I guess all I have to say is how?

Bowen: Yeah, that just seems like a lot of roast beef sandwiches for $10.

Male voice: It’s five heaping piles of tender roast beef for only 10 measly dollars. Can you even believe it?

Keke: Honestly, no.

Mikey: We’re struggling to understand the physics of how this much roast beef is $10.

Keke: Because isn’t one roast beef sandwich normally at least $5?

Male voice: Ha-ha-ha. A bet you never thought $10 to get you five mountains of roast beef.

Cecily: That’s exactly what we’re saying. We don’t think it’s possible.

Bowen: I just Googled roast beef prices at the grocery store and it sells for $11 a pound. But you’re saying…

Male voice: We’re giving you pound after pound of roast beef for just $10.

Keke: Yes. See, that’s what’s throwing us off, because it roast beef is $11 a pound. I mean, I know bread super cheap, but it’s not negative dollars.

Mikey: Arby’s is a for profit business, right? Like your goal is to make money? Because I couldn’t make five roast beef sandwiches at home for $10.

Keke: I don’t think I could make five roast beef sandwiches for less than $30.

Mikey: So I guess we’re wondering Where are you getting all this roast beef?

Male voice: Arby’s we have the meats!

Keke: No, no, no, no. That don’t answer the question. We know you have the meats. But where are you getting the meats?

Mikey: Also what kind of meats?

Male voice: And over at Taco Bell, don’t miss the new $5 box.

Mikey: Wait what?

Male voice: You get a chalupa supreme, a beefy five layer burrito, cinnamon twists, nacho cheese and chips and the 20 ounce soda for only $5.

Cecily: Oh my God. Is that real?

Male voice: Look it up. It’s the $5 box, only at Taco Bell?

Bowen: Okay, I don’t like that you change the subject to Taco Bell. But now I’m worried about this $5 box too.

Keke: You get multiple burritos, and cinnamon twists, and chips and nacho cheese and giant soda for $5?

Mikey: How can that physically happen? I mean each full burrito is like 70 cents.

Male voice: So Arby’s is looking pretty good by comparison, right?

Cecily: No. This all sounds horrible. Yeah, I thought the four for four menu at Wendy’s was insane.

[Kenan jumps out]

Kenan: Oh, what’s that?

Cecily: That’s a full cheeseburger and order of chicken tenders, fries and a soda for $4.

Kenan: Sounds suspicious.

Bowen: Hold on. Ving Rames? You do the voiceover in the store?

Kenan: That’s right. I’m physically present at every Arby’s location. Arby’s, we have the rains.

Cecily: Sir, and you think the Wendy’s deal sounds suspicious?

Bowen: You’re the ones offering five giant…

Kenan: Towers.

Bowen: Of roast beef for $10.

Mikey: How many sandwiches do you get from one cow?

Kenan: Oh, I don’t know. A million.

Keke: We’d honestly rather to pay more and get less roast beef. Then we would be so worried about where it’s coming from.

Kenan: Okay, so how much? How much?

Bowen: I don’t know. I guess to roast beef sandwiches for $12?

Cecily: I think three for 15.

Bowen: You’re gonna eat three roast beef sandwiches?

Cecily: Hey! [slaps Bowen] Do not shame me. Not in my debut Arby’s commercial.

Male voice: Arby’s new three for 15. You’ll pay a little more, but at least you’ll understand how it could physically be possible.

Weekend Update Arbys Manager Arrested 82yearold College Graduate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There are pictures of Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Fairmont plus announced they are making a new Yellowstone prequel series that will start Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren. The 79 year old Ford will play a wealthy ranch owner while the 76 year old Mirren will play his grandmother.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Mississippi at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report shows that the state with the highest obesity rate in the country is Mississippi. It’s gotten so bad, doctors had to remove its foot. [the map of Mississippi loses the bottom part] [picture changes to a Frontier Airlines]

An attendant on a Frontier Airlines flight helped deliver a passengers baby while heading to Florida, because on Frontier, it’s not even worth asking if anyone on board is adopted.

Michael Che: Queen Elizabeth made a surprise public appearance this week at the opening of a new train line in London after Prince Charles tied her to the tracks. It’s not real.

[picture changes to a painting]

A painting by Pablo Picasso portraying his lover as a sea creature was sold at auction for $67 million. It’s a beautiful abstract expression of his love and admiration that he named Teddy squid.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of TikTok logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There are growing number of nuns who are joining TikTok to show with life in a convent is really like, because when the Catholic Church tries to connect with young people, it always goes well.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Students post picture spelling N word”]

Well, This will get you back. A school district in Florida is investigating a picture posted online of students spelling out the N word. It’s a shocking instance of Florida students being able to spell.

[Picture changes to Arby’s drink]

A manager of an Arby’s in Washington– This is a terrible transition. A manager of an Arby’s in Washington has been arrested for distributing child porn. If convicted, he could face up to 20 years as a manager at Subway. The man also told police that he urinated in milkshakes for his own sexual gratification. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the milkshakes tasted better.

[Cut to Arby’s commercial]

Male voice: Arby’s, we have the pee pee shakes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a mountain lion at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A California hiker who was attacked by a mountain lion said that her dogs saved her life by jumping to her defense because after the dog, the mountain lion was way too full to eat anything else. It’s not real.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Woman discovers she had Michael Chend vagina” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A British woman discovered when she got pregnant that she had a second tiny vagina. Yeah, the butt.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “82  year old woman graduates from college” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in Maryland graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday. Apparently it took her so long because she’s very, very dumb. I’m gonna do another one. A woman in Maryland graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday, but I heard they only passed up because her roommate died.