Weekend Update on Oklahoma Teacher’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A teacher in Oklahoma who was participating in the state wide teacher walkout was arrested for having sex with a student. Worse, she had to pay for her own supplies. [picture changes to condoms.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bill Cosby at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: For shame.

Michael Che: You’re wrong about that.

Colin Jost: A topless woman was arrested outside of Bill Cosby’s sexual assault trial after she jumped a barrier and charged at the comedian. Responded Cosby, “Ah, I think I’m gonna like court.”

[Picture changes to Mark Zuckerberg at left top corner.]

This week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified before congress for a total of 10 hours and exactly zero blinks. I don’t understand why he needed a congressional hearing to find out that Facebook is selling our data. I mean, they have to make money somehow. We use Facebook every single day for free. Would you rather get a monthly bill and have to go through it like, “There’s no way that I clicked on a 147 ‘Dog Befriends Turtle’ pictures.” People have to realize that everything you do on the internet has consequences. It’s like sending a picture of your penis and thinking, “She won’t forward this to all her friends, right? I mean, I’m Brett Favre.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a woman doing yoga at right top corner. There’s a baby goat beside her.]

Michael Che: A new yoga class is being offered in New York in which people exercise with goats. The way it works is, it doesn’t.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are picture os Argentinian flag and marijuana leaf at right top corner. Colin Jost is looking down going through the papers. Suddenly, he looks at the camera laughing.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] I did not know it was coming back to me.

Michael Che: Slides, dude!

Colin Jost: I did not know it was coming back to me. Eight police officers in Argentina were fired after more than a ton of marijuana disappeared from a warehouse and they claimed it was eaten by mice. For reference, this is what a mouse who ate one ton of marijuana would look like. [Picture changes to Miley Cyrus wearing mouse dress.] [Picture changes to an alarm clock.]

According to a new study, people who stay up late at night are more likely to have psychological disorders and an increased risk of dying. So, if you’re watching this live right now, I’ll see your crazy ass in hell.

Weekend Update on Pro-Trump Graffiti Artist’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Philadelphia city at right top corner]

Michael Che: A black man was arrested in Philadelphia after he went on a pro-Trump graffiti spree. He has been sentenced to spend the next five years with his aunty and uncle in Bel Air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of South Korean flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: South Korean’s parliament has voted to impeach president Park Geun-Hye, the country’s first female president over a corruption scandal. You know, it’s hard not to look this story and think, “That could have been us.”

[Michael Che laughing]

Cool! Well, it’s dress-rehearsal.

[Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to a glove and a diamond ring]

A woman in Long Island discovered a diamond ring inside of a glove while trying it on at a department store. And because it was Long Island, it was still attached to her finger.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a

Michael Che: Amazon has opened a new grocery store in Seattle that uses sensors and artificial intelligence that allows customers to buy products without going to a cashier. So, not all the jobs are going to Mexico and China. Some of them are going to robots. Robots are even taking the jobs that we thought we’d never lose. Like, laid off factory workers became truck drivers because those truck ain’t gonna drive themselves. Well, guess what? In about two years, those trucks are going to start driving themselves.

[Picture changes to a Santa]

And white people freaking out over another news. The mall in America in Minnesota hired their first black Santa, which provoked outrage in social media. You know, having a black mall Santa sounds like a really nice idea until your white baby starts crying on his lap and your Christmas card looks like the toddler is a racist. Now, I don’t know what color Santa should or shouldn’t be, but he has given America a couple of hundred years of free labor. It sound pretty black to me.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Santa at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I gotta say I think Santa’s black too, coz the only other guy I know with a pet reindeer is Tracy Morgan.

[Picture changes to Joslyn Wildenstein]

Joslyn Wildenstein known as the cat woman for extensive plastic surgery to make her look like a cat, was arrested on charges that she scratched her boyfriend. In fairness, he was taunting her with a laser pointer.

[Picture changes to a caduceus]

And a new study has found that people who shave or trim their pubic hair are more likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases. So, you’re probably in the clear, old guy at my gym!