Tag: Arrested

Weekend Update- Woman Wins Back-to-Back Lottos, Child Arrested for Touching Teacher

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Cleopatra at right top corner.]

Michael Che:  Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a tunnel that they think leads to the long lost tomb of Cleopatra. Cleopatra’s, of course, the enchanting queen who seduced both Mark Antony and Julius Caesar, I assume because she’s really funny or something? I don’t know.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Woman wins $400K in back to back lottos” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Delaware won $400,000 after hitting back to back lottos in the same day. But the woman says she’s still going to keep her day job, forging lottery tickets.

The US Air Force is denying that its pilots intentionally flew a flight path that created a giant penis pointed at Russia. Even worse, they then fired missiles.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “White student assaults two black students” at right top corner.]

Michael Che:  A white student at the University of Kentucky was arrested after she was caught on video using a racial slur and assaulting two Black students. She has been charged with one count of impersonating a police officer.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “10 year old arrested for touching teacher’s breast” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A 10 year old boy in Florida faces misdemeanor battery charges after he allegedly touched a teacher’s breast. Because, under Florida law, students are required to wait for their teacher to make the first move.

 

Weekend Update Arbys Manager Arrested 82yearold College Graduate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There are pictures of Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Fairmont plus announced they are making a new Yellowstone prequel series that will start Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren. The 79 year old Ford will play a wealthy ranch owner while the 76 year old Mirren will play his grandmother.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Mississippi at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report shows that the state with the highest obesity rate in the country is Mississippi. It’s gotten so bad, doctors had to remove its foot. [the map of Mississippi loses the bottom part]

[picture changes to a Frontier Airlines]

An attendant on a Frontier Airlines flight helped deliver a passengers baby while heading to Florida, because on Frontier, it’s not even worth asking if anyone on board is adopted.

Michael Che: Queen Elizabeth made a surprise public appearance this week at the opening of a new train line in London after Prince Charles tied her to the tracks. It’s not real.

[picture changes to a painting]

A painting by Pablo Picasso portraying his lover as a sea creature was sold at auction for $67 million. It’s a beautiful abstract expression of his love and admiration that he named Teddy squid.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of TikTok logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There are growing number of nuns who are joining TikTok to show with life in a convent is really like, because when the Catholic Church tries to connect with young people, it always goes well.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Students post picture spelling N word”]

Well, This will get you back. A school district in Florida is investigating a picture posted online of students spelling out the N word. It’s a shocking instance of Florida students being able to spell.

[Picture changes to Arby’s drink]

A manager of an Arby’s in Washington– This is a terrible transition. A manager of an Arby’s in Washington has been arrested for distributing child porn. If convicted, he could face up to 20 years as a manager at Subway. The man also told police that he urinated in milkshakes for his own sexual gratification. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the milkshakes tasted better.

[Cut to Arby’s commercial]

Male voice: Arby’s, we have the pee pee shakes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a mountain lion at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A California hiker who was attacked by a mountain lion said that her dogs saved her life by jumping to her defense because after the dog, the mountain lion was way too full to eat anything else. It’s not real.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Woman discovers she had Michael Chend vagina” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A British woman discovered when she got pregnant that she had a second tiny vagina. Yeah, the butt.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “82  year old woman graduates from college” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in Maryland graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday. Apparently it took her so long because she’s very, very dumb. I’m gonna do another one. A woman in Maryland graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday, but I heard they only passed up because her roommate died.