Tag: art

Weekend Update- Michelangelo’s David Defends Art

Michael Che

Michelangelo’s David… Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week, a Florida principal was forced to resign out the parents were outraged when a photo of Michelangelo’s David, a new statue, was shown during a lesson on Renaissance art. Here to comment, Michelangelo’s David.

Michelangelo’s David: Michael, hey, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Wow. Michael Angelo’s David.

Michelangelo’s David: Hey.

Michael Che: Hey, man, I’m sorry, but I’m over here. Can you not turn your head?

Michelangelo’s David: Oh, I’ve actually never tried. Let’s find out. [Yells out loud while turning his head to Michael Che.] Well, that hurt like hell.

Michael Che: Yeah. So Da- David, how are you dealing with this Florida controversy? I mean, those parents were pretty upset.

Michelangelo’s David: Those parents are ignorant prudes. What are they even talking about and the world’s greatest sculpture, and I’m a very pretty boy.

Michael Che: Well, it sounds like the parents didn’t want their kids to see your privates.

Michelangelo’s David: Hey, I’m proud of my tiny shiny penis and my big stone pubes. I’ve got nothing to hide. I’m beautiful. And I think your audience deserves to see that. Who wants to see that? Huh?

Michael Che: No, no. David! No, we can’t do that. What is wrong with you people?

Michelangelo’s David: Why? I want to do it.

Michael Che: Well, you can’t show that. One parent said it was pornographic.

Michelangelo’s David: It’s art. It’s not pornography. [looks down] Okay, well right now it’s pornography. I’ll tell you when it’s hard again.

Michael Che: That’s fine. If people want to see it, they can go to a museum in Italy or look at it online.

Michelangelo’s David: Oh, you’re one of those guys. We can see it online. I can see whatever I need to online. That’s sad. Look, I am from the Bible, okay? I kill Goliath with a tiny rock and my faith in God Dong out. You ever been in a fight with your dog out?

Michael Che: No.

Michelangelo’s David: Answer me. Have you ever been in a fight with your dog out?

Michael Che: I did answer. I said no.

Michelangelo’s David: I’m serious Che. Fight with your dog out? Yes or No?

Michael Che: No.

Michelangelo’s David: Well, you should try it. It really distracts the other guy. Quite a bit. You know what I mean?

Michael Che: no.

Michelangelo’s David: You know what? I’m just gonna show it. I’m just gonna show it.

Michael Che: No, please don’t, man.

Michelangelo’s David: Come on. What are you scared of? All the best art is nude. Me, nude. Venus de Milo, nude. Statue of Liberty shows feet.

Michael Che: What are you talking about?

Michelangelo’s David: I’m saying you the most beautiful piece of art in the world sitting next to you and you don’t even want to look at it.

Michael Che: I see it. I can see it now.

Michelangelo’s David: And?

Michael Che: I mean, I’m no expert, but it’s kind of small.

Michelangelo’s David: While most people see it from below, and you want to come under, see it from below?

Michael Che: No. I do not.

Michelangelo’s David: Well, while you’re looking at it, do you notice that like the hair up here is the same down here? But that’s not like, right. Right? It’s too thick. It’s like rocks. Look.

Michael Che: Dude, no. Don’t show that please. No, don’t show that please.

Michelangelo’s David: It’s just rocks. God, Americans are uptight. Did you want the Italian version of SNL, you can show full penetration?

Michael Che: What?

Michelangelo’s David: Our Matt Foley lived in a man down by the river.

Michael Che: You know what? If you want to show it so bad, then show it. We’re all watching.

Michelangelo’s David: Well, now I’m shy.

Michael Che: Get out of here, man. Michelangelo’s David, everybody.

Michelangelo’s David: Can I show my big bare ass?

Michael Che: No. Get out of here.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Banksy Makes Bathroom Art

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his home]

Michael Che: Street artist Banksy has posted pictures of an art project created in the bathroom. He’s calling the piece, “Guess what I ate?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whipped strawberry milk at left side.]

Colin Jost: A popular new food item among the people staying at home is whipped strawberry milk. Incidentally, whipped strawberry milk is also Prince Harry’s  drag name.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a woman in stress at right side.]

Michael Che: Psychologists are warning single people stuck at home to resist the urge to get in touch with their exes. Okay, but if I don’t text my exes, how will they know I love them?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a poster of the documentary ‘The Last Dance’ at left side.]

Colin Jost: ESPN has released ‘The Last Dance’ which follows Michael Jordan’s last season with the Chicago Bulls. Unfortunately, the film ignores the important questions like, “Why did Michael Jordan film that Hanes commercial with the Hitler mustache?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lando Lakes logo at right side.]

Michael Che: Lando Lakes butter has removed the native American woman from the landscape on it’s packaging over concerns that the imagery was racist. Unfortunately, they’re replacing her  with the pipeline.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grim reaper at left side.]

Colin Jost: A lawyer in Florida protested the opening of the states beaches by wearing a grim reaper costume and warning people at the beach about getting too close to each other. There was an awkward moment when he bumped into the actual grim reaper who was just making his regular Florida rounds.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture ofKelly Clarkson at right side.]

Michael Che: Kelly Clarkson has released a new song called “I dare you” in six different languages. It’s a song that has people all around the world coming together to say, “Eh!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of viagra and an iPhone at left side.]

Colin Jost: A former postal worker was arrested for stealing an iPhone and a thousand viagra tablets. I assume texting people, “I’m up.”

Michael Che: Alright. That’s a 10 year old joke right there. A new study finds that pigeons in New York city are genetically different from pigeons in Boston. It’s actually easy to spot the difference because the Boston pigeons are the ones yelling at black birds to go back to where they came from.

Colin Jost: Just, also, I just want to say before we wrap up tonight, Michael, you’re probably familiar with the ‘all in’ challenge where different people are sort of challenging each other to go through different experiences and invite a fan to join them for an experience. And, you know, that’s a way to raise a lot of money for people in need. And I’m assuming this is something you’d be all in for, don’t you think?

Michael Che: Okay. Yeah, alright. No, sure.

Colin Jost: Well, we’ve actually set up a great– a site on the all in challenge where whoever donates the most money over the next week [Michael Che laughing] will get the change to write a joke that you can tell on our next show without having read it in advance. And it’s gonna be great. Fans are really excited. And, in case they needed sort of any guidelines or maybe an example, we actually sent you a joke tonight that you could read so that all the people who are gonna give generously can know sort of something that they can try. I think in your email, there might just be a joke you could read?

Michael Che: Are you serious?

Colin Jost: And, I think, you know, the nice thing about you agreeing in advance to do this is that it’s gonna raise a lot of money. And I think that’s really what you care about, don’t you think?

Michael Che: Yeah. My god. Alright. Uh, boy. [reading the email] It says here, NASA officials said that it’s possible that the first human sent to Mars could be a woman, so that when the male astronauts show up, dinner will be ready. Oh, god! [laughing]  Well, that just undoes everything I’ve ever done.

Colin Jost: So, guys, very exciting. If you want to donate and get a chance to make Michael Che say something, donate to this link we have below. You can’t click it coz it’s a screen. But, you can look at it and type it like we had to in the old days. [the link is allinchallenge.com/snljoke] So, that’s the link. Check it out. Thank you for your donations. For Weekend Update home edition, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Inside SoCal Is Art Gangster

Todd… Kyle Mooney

Casey… Beck Bennett

Eric… Pete Davidson

Emily Hyde… Kate McKinnon

Pat… Taran Killam

Carla Meunez… Cecily Strong

Sean… Bill Hader

Bobby Moyniham

[Starts with San Deigo County Public Access Television video bumper] [Cut to Todd and Casey in their set]

Todd: Alright, I’m Todd.

Casey: And I’m Casey.

Todd: And you’re watching…

Casey: [whispering to Todd] Together on three.

Todd: [whispering] One, two, three.

Todd and Casey: Inside So Cal.

[Cut to Inside So Cal intro] [Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright. So, our top story is our boy Ryan Tableton got married this weekend and a bunch of the boys went. I’m not usually into church or gods or whatever but I thought ceremony was super gangster.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Seeing two souls uniting as one.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Also, you don’t have to dance. Okay, now let’s do Health Minute with Casey.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.] [Cut to Casey. There’s a white board behind him with a bar diagram]

Casey: Alright, so Matt new all got Vicatin and anyone can get it on that. That was a Health Minute.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.] [Cut to Todd]

Todd: Okay, so we got developing story. Apparently, Emily Hyde is like, super pissed at Pat right now. So, let’s go to Eric at the Lendwood house and see what’s going on. What up Eric?

Eric: What’s up, guys?

Casey: Wad up?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: So, I’m here with Emily and Pat. Emily, why are so mad at Pat right now?

Emily Hyde: Coz he sent pictures to my friends.

Pat: Yeah, but I don’t like them the way I like you. I just beat off to them.

Eric: Alright, well, so there you have it. As you can see, things are pretty real over here. Back to you folks.

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Casey: Now, it’s time for this week’s Ill Investigations with my boy Todd.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper] [Cut to Todd in a restaurant]

Todd: Reherbata is one of my favorite restaurants. But why don’t they do the red salsa anymore? I had this chance to down with Carla Meunez who works here. Let’s see why they stopped doing it.

[Cut to Todd with Carla Meunez]

Where is the red salsa at?

Carla Meunez: Oh! Um, no–

Todd: I’ma boys love the red salsa.

Carla Meunez: [not speaking English] No, we–

Todd: What?

Carla Meunez: No, it’s no more.

Todd: You’re gonna bring back the red salsa?

Carla Meunez: [struggling to speak in English] Okay, no more. We don’t have no more. No more.

Todd: The red salsa used to be the best part of Reherbata. [Carla Meunez just walks away] Alright, I guess they’re not doing the red salsa anymore.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper] [Cut to Casey]

Casey: Next, our story on Lindsay Turell who cut her hair short over the summer, which looks good on her small head.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, which bring us to our Feature Story. When you think about art, you think like, “That’s something my dad likes”, or smarter people like. Michelle Grannis. But actually, art can be pretty gangster. So, we sent Sean out to tell us it’s gangster.

Sean: Blue, yellow, green, colors in art. But, how baller can art be? I’m here in a fucking museum to find out.

[Cut to Feature Story video bumper] [Cut to Sean]

Sean: When they first started doing art, it was lot older. And they didn’t know how to make a pint. But then, it was more abstract and now you look at it and it’s way more, you know–

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You’re trying to say it’s more baller?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: You know, coz it’s like, you know– I play maden right? So–

[Cut to Casey confused]

Casey: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: A little refrigerator.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I think I get what you’re saying Sean. [looking confused] [Cut to Todd and Casey]

Alright, this has been Inside So Cal. Oh! Do you want to say the thing about your grandpa?

Casey: Um, yeah! So, my grandpa died and we were like, super close. But, I’d like to believe that even though he’s gone, he’s still with us.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Hey, what are you doing in my house?

Todd: Sorry, sir. I’m Todd.

Casey: I’m Casey.

[Todd and Casey stands]

Bobby: Now, get out.

Todd: Sorry sir.

Bobby: Get our of my garage.

Casey: We’re almost done. We’re sorry.

Bobby: Wee-wee-wee, You’re sorry?

Todd: That’s not how I sound sir.

Bobby: That is how you sound. [Bobby pushes Todd] [They start fighting]