Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost at his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking 6th of March at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: This Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, the day where white people show their support for [The picture changes to 21 Savage and a white person with similar tattoo imitation on his forehead] 21 Savage.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of ‘Leaving Neverland’ at right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: That’s a good joke. Last week—Last week HBO aired ‘Leaving Neverland’, a documentary detailing multiple child molestation charges against Michael Jackson. And they say this doc has done more damage to Michael Jackson than his last doc, Dr. Conrad Murray. Okay, but whose side do you take? [Picture changes to flight attendants] Virgin Atlantic Airlines announced that it will no longer require female flight attendants to wear make-up and skirts just as long as their husbands sign the consent form. I’ll stand by it.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Queen Elizabeth and Instagram logo at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: Queen Elizabeth II has posted her first ever picture on Instagram. Finally a chance for commoners to directly tell the queen, ‘Show Feet’. A new survey lists the best city to live in the country as Boise Idaho. While the worst city was once again Rat Orgy, Delaware.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pills at right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: Two men in New Jersey were arrested with $150 million worth of opioids. For reference, here’s what $150 million worth of opioids looks like. [Picture changes to Lil’ Pump] [Picture changes to a roller coaster] A British group set a new world record when more than 200 people rode a roller coaster naked. Breaking the previous record of one.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Batman Comic at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: Batman turns 80 years old this month which explains his new arch nemesis Jamaican Nurse.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of clouds at right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: That’s a good one. A man in Italy captured a picture that he says looks like Jesus shining through the clouds. Or hear me out, it was just the sun.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sewage at the left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: Sanitation officials cleaning out sewage lines are reporting finding swamp monsters which are items never intended to be flushed such as live snakes, underwater, fingers and false teeth which are strangely the exact ingredients that make up [Picture changes to Rudy Guiliani] Rudy Guiliani.