Beard Hunk

Nick… Beck Bennett

Raquel… Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Ashley… Felicity Jones

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Beard Hunk intro]

Male voice: One hunk with a sculpted beard. 25 beautiful adjacent ladies. Who will he choose to be his bride? It all happens tonight on ‘Beard Hunk.’

[Cut to Nick’s intro video]

Nick: Hi, I’m Nick, and this season there’s gonna be a lot of drama. a lot of excitement and as always, minimal Asians. I can’t wait.

[Cut to Nick and Raquel sitting on a park bench]

Raquel: Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Raquel: Well, my name is Raquel. I’m 24 but my face is 36. And I’m the worst girl in any room I’m in.

Nick: I like that.

Raquel: Also, i’m a business owner.

Nick: What kind of business?

Raquel: Okay, I’m not.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Raquel walks out and Vanessa sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Vanessa: Well, my name is whatever. Also, all of the girls here, I have the most abrupt ombre. And I’m looking for a husband even though I’m not old enough to vote.

Nick: How old are you?

Vanessa: 26.

Nick: That is old enough to vote.

Vanessa: Oh well.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Vanessa walks out and Ashley sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Ashley: My name is Ally and I was born in Ashley. Sorry, my name is Ashley and I was born in an alley.

Nick: I like that.

Ashley: Also I have a twin sister and this is really hard to tell you, but she’s sick… of the way I treat her.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Ashley walks out and Kate sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this. I’ve been waiting to talk to you all night. Cuz it’s 5:30 in the morning.

Nick: So, when was your last relationship?

Kate: Um, well, I was married last year.

Nick: Oh, really?

Kate: Yes. To you.

Nick: Oh, right. Hi.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Aidy: Well, I am a veterinarian. So, I love animals. But I’m also a very sexual person, so I’d love to jack you off whenever you want.

Nick: I’d like that.

Aidy: And here’s another little secret about me. I don’t have a gag reflex.

Nick: That’s hot.

Aidy: Yeah. But I do have four very sharp teeth.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick]

I’m so lucky to be here. In fact, I’m lucky to be alive at all. I was born eight months early. I was in an incubator for five years. The doctors spent millions of dollars to keep me alive and I survived.

Nick: Wow. What do you do now?

Ashley: I promote ice tea on Instagram.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Sorry, Can I steal him for a sec?

[Ashley walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick]

Nick, I want to tell you something. I have a daughter. She’s 3 and she’s my best friend in the world.

Nick: Where is she right now?

Aidy: Um, I think like the neighbor’s or something. But she’s always with me because I have this drawing of us. [showing a kid’s drawing]

Nick: Aw, she’s a good artist.

Aidy: Oh, no, I did this.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Kate sits beside Nick.]

Hi, I missed you.

Nick: Thanks. So, tell me about yourself.

Kate: Well, I’m a judge… mental bitch. And for my job, I work at Hooter’s.

Nick: Wow. That’s hot.

Kate: Yeah, it’s so hot coz I work in the kitchen.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]

Mmm, it feels so safe right now.

Nick: So, tell me more about yourself.

Aidy: Well, my favorite animal is a frog. Because I love the water and my eye color is green. And I do pee and poop out of the same hole.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick.

Nick, I’ve been lying to you and I need to come clean. I have five STDs.

Nick: That’s okay. I don’t mind.

Ashley: Also, I didn’t bring a bikini. I only brought a one piece.

Nick: I’ll walk you out.

[Cut to the show outro]

Male voice: We’ll be right back with more ‘Beard Hunk.’]

Farm Hunk

Ryan Coles… Blake shelton

Alissa… Cecily Strong

Venessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Farm Hunk intro]

Male voice: One hunky farmer, 25 beautiful ladies. Who will he take home to Iowa to be his bride? It all happens tonight on Farm Hunk.

[Cut to Ryan Coles]

Ryan Coles: There’s so many beautiful girls here, but tonight I have to send three of them home. Probably the 2 black girls plus one with the curly hair one. So, tonight I’m gonna spend some one on one time with each of them to help make my decision.

[Cut to Ryan Coles and Alissa sitting on a bench at park.]

Alissa: Um, I like this.

Ryan Coles: Me too.

Alissa: Just us, you know?

Ryan Coles: I do know. So, Alyssa, tell me about yourself. I mean, who is Alyssa?

Alissa: Oh, okay. Well, I live in Hollywood. I’m a pediatric nurse. I’ve also done some light porn.

Ryan Coles: Hmm. I love kids. And I’m horny. So, if we get married, would you be willing to move to Iowa?

Alissa: I’d love that.

Ryan Coles: My town is really ugly and stinky and far away from things.

Alissa: I’d love that.

Ryan Coles: And there’s no one there of your age to be friends with. It’s only old men.

Alissa: As long as you’re there.

Ryan Coles: I won’t be, for long stretches of time.

Alissa: I’d love that.

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

Alissa: Um, okay.

[Alissa leaves and Venessa sits with Ryan Coles.]

Bye!

Venessa: Um, I like this.

Ryan Coles: Me too. So, tell me about yourself.

Venessa: Well, I’m from Hollywood. I’m a second grade teacher… in my pornos. And in real life, I’m a third grade teacher.

Ryan Coles: In Iowa, you can’t teach. There’s no schools in my town.

Venessa: I’d love that.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a second?

[Venessa leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]

Kate: Um, I like this.

Ryan Coles: Me too. So,

tell me about yourself.

Kate: Well, I’m from Hollywood. And I’m a veteran … of the porn industry. I’ve served my country for like 200 times. I have a gift for you because I heard that you like Italian food.

Ryan Coles: I do, it’s really good.

Kate: [laughs] It’s funny! So, I brought you some spaghetti. Here. [Kate has spaghetti all over her hand. She puts the spaghetti on Ryan Coles’s palms.] [Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Can I steal him for a second please?

Kate: Yeah, sure.

Sasheer: Thank you.

[Kate leaves and Sasheer sits with Ryan Coles.]

I know we haven’t had a chance to talk yet, but when I die, I wanna be buried next to you.

Ryan Coles: Well, if I pick you, you’d have to move to Iowa. Would you be cool with never seeing another black person again?

Sasheer: I’d love that.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Um, can I steal him for a second?

Sasheer: Sure.

[Sasheer leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]

Ashley: Hi. Gosh, I’m glad we’re finally getting some sexy alone time coz I’m ready to– [crying] I’m sorry. My dad is dead. He died 10 years ago and I really miss him. Like, I’m not good. I’m really, really bad.

[Alissa walks in]

Alissa: Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

Ashley: Yeah!

[Ashley leaves and Alissa sits with Ryan Coles.]

Alissa: I just want to say that I’m really falling for you. And, I don’t like a lot of people. I don’t like Mexicans. I don’t like Chinese. But I like you.

Ryan Coles: I feel the same way.

Alissa: I guess we’re soulmates.

[Kate walks in with a parrot.]

Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Alissa leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]

I heard you like animals. So, I brought you a alive macaw. It’s like me. Unpredictable in a bad way.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Um, can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]

I’m Saryan. I wrote you a rap.

[rapping] My name is Ashley and I’m only fun

my n–

[crying] I’m sorry. My brain is sick. You’re gonna have to give me medicine everyday. And it has to be in cheese or I spit it out. Please pick me.

[Kate walks in with welding machine.]

Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a second?

[Ashley leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]

Um, I heard that you like welding. So, I thought maybe we could weld some metal together.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]

So, tell me about you. Like, what kind of farmer are you? Do you make grass? Or do you like, make beans? Or– [crying] I’m sorry. I was kidnapped when I was little. It happened on the same day. Just because she did baby beauty pageants and I did baby weight lifting, nobody cared!

Ryan Coles: Okay, listen to me. I love how real you’re being right now. And I think I– I know that I’ve talked to everyone and I’ve made my decision.

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Wait, wait, wait, wait. [Leslie pulls and throws Ashley away] Can I talk to him for a second?

You did not talk to me. I’m not going home tonight. It’s week 2, that’s when I go. I get that. But listen, if you ever in New York, give me a call and I’ll shuck your corn all night long.

Ryan Coles: Can I get your cell number?

Leslie: Just google Leslie Jones, SNL. It will all come up.

[cheers and applause]

Whiskers R We with Amy Adams

Barbara Dudoo… Kate McKinnon

Ashley… Amy Adams

[Starts with Barbara and Ashley speaking for an ad.]

Barbara: Cat.

Ashley: A Cat is a treasure you hold with your heart.

Barbara: A Cat is a glass of champagne, but it’s a Cat.

Ashley: Cats have paws, claws and zero flaws.

Barbara: So come on down for a holiday cat giveaway, here at “Whiskers R’ We.” Hi, I’m Barbara Dudoo.

Ashley: And I’m Ashley, Barbara’s new girlfriend.

Barbara: Shh, cats don’t have to know our business.

Ashley: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: Lets meet some of our most eligible Cat-chlors, shall we?

[Barbara pulls up a kitten]

This is Harisa. She is a British short haired. So, she used the looter box.

[Barbara and Ashley laugh]

Cat puns are fun.

Ashley: You’re fun.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Moving right along. For those of you sex and the city fans [Barbara gets a big cat] we call her Samantha because she has a wicked sense of humor and she’s 55 years old.

Ashley: She’s going through mano-paws. P-A-W-S.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

Barbara: We call this cat, Cat-Steven. Because he has a beautiful voice and because he recently converted into hardcore Islam.

[Ashley caresses Barbara’s cleavage.]

Ashley: Oops, you got a little hair right there.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Don’t fuss with that. I’m wearing falsies for the commercial. Come on.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

This is Toby. Toby is a textbook narcissist. He’s incredibly manipulative and deceitful but I guess I’m the dummy for giving him power of attorney.

Ashley: Toby goes for long walks at night and he won’t tell us where he has been.

Barbara: Last night, he came home wearing a wrist band from an Adam Lambert concert.

[Barbara brings in another big cat]

Whoops! Bobo is out of this world. By which I mean he is maybe definitely an alien. We found him in a glowing pit in the ground. If you’re watching this on his planet, please come and get him. We’re running out of methane and that’s all he likes to breathe.

[Ashley starts touching Barbara’s breasts]

Ashley: He’s still fun to pet though.

Barbara: Ashley! I think you know where the cat ends and my boobs begin. Thank you very much. Oh, my goodness. [Barbara carries another kitten] This is Don.

Ashley: This cat thinks he’s people and I’m not sure he’s wrong.

Barbara: It’s something in the eyes. And in the way he looks at me in the eyes and says, “Help me, Barbara. My name is Donald Berk. I am not a cat, I am a man. I am a man!”

So come on down to our holiday cat giveaway weekend. With cat prices starting as low as we give you $twenty.

Ashley: Why won’t you say you love them?

Barbara: I wrote it down. What to you want? Come on down!

[Cut to Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We holiday cat giveaway. See you there.

[cheers and applause]

Poetry Lovers

Ashley…Sarah Silverman

Scott… Kyle Mooney

Brian… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Ashley reading a book ‘The December Generation’ in a park.] [Scott walks to Ashley]

Scott: Hmm, the December Generation.

Ashley: Oh, this, yes. ‘The December Generation’, it’s a term–

Scott: [sitting down by Ashley’s side] That Jack O’Boyle used to describe a group of poets and artists from late 50s and early 60s.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Exactly.

[Cut to Scott]

Scott: Personally, I’m partialled at Christopher Patel.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Me too.

Scott: I love his poem ‘A Life Before’.

Ashley: The times we had,

the madness of it all

[Cut to Scott completing Ashley’s poem. They are staring at each other’s eyes.]

Scott: The dreams of life,

the truth we wear

Ashley: The fear, the pain and everything hereafter

[cut to Scott]

Scott: Leads to this moment.

Both: The life before.

Scott: I’m Scott.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Ashley.

[Cut to Ashley and Scott. 3 pops out of Ashley’s back]

Brian: Hey, man! Quit talking to my girlfriend like that. [Cut to 3] I’m gonna kick–

[Cut to Scott]

Scott: –kick my butt.

[Cut to 3 smiling] [3 slowly stands]

Brian: Because I’m not gonna put up with little–

[Cut to Scott completing 3’s sentence.]

Scott: –pieces of turn.

Scott and 3: From planet Earth.

Scott: Scott.

[Cut to Ashley, Scott and 3.]

Brian: Brian.

[Scott and 3 shake their hands.]

In your–

Scott and 3: –worst nightmare.

[Scott and 3 smile at each other] [Scott pushes 3 hard] [Cut to many clips of 3 bullying Scott] [Cut to Scott]

Scott: And then he made me eat this.

[Scott shows Ashley what he ate]

Ashley: Stinky Sue Supreme?

Scott: Yeah! [Scott burps]

Ashley: Brian, your temper’s out of control.

[Cut to 3 not talking back] [Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: You’re nothing but an immature–

[Cut to 3 completing Ashley’s sentence]

Brian: –emotionally stunted–

[Cut to Ashley going on with her sentence]

Ashley: –self indulgent–

Ashley and 3: Child!

[Ashley and 3 look at each other smiling]

Brian: I’m Brian.

Ashley: Ashley.

Brian: Would you want to break up with me?

Ashley: I’d like that a lot. Sayonara–

[3 completing Ashley’s statement]

Ashley and 3: -sucker!

[Cut to Ashley carrying 3 and throwing him into the garbage.]