Fancam Assembly

Mr. Ben … Pedro Pascal

James: Okay students is St. Lawrence High School, welcome to your assembly about student technology use. [students booing] Settled down, all right? Here to give the presentation, please welcome your favorite teacher Mr. Ben. [students cheering]

Bowen: Mr. Ben, he has rizz.

Mr. Ben: Thank you, I think. Okay, let’s start. First rule do not access inappropriate content online. And do not bully on social media.

Ego: Come on, girl, eat it up.

Mr. Ben: Thank you. I think. And here’s a new rule. As of today, do not make fancams of school staff such as this.

[TikTok video of Mr. Ben playing on screen]

Bowen: No, skinny legend, why are you doing this?

Mr. Ben: Because you have made thousands of fancams of me and I’m not sure what they mean, but I know it has to stop.

Sarah: But we make them because you’re our beloved and you have us in a chokehold.

Mr. Ben: Okay, don’t say that. I just don’t understand why do you make sparkly fast romantic montages of me every single day? Like this?

[TikTok video of Mr. Ben playing on screen]

Devon: I mean, we don’t make them every day.

Bowen: Yeah, just on the days you send us or give us life.

Mr. Ben: What does that mean?

Ego: Don’t worry. It just means your foot is always on our necks. See?

[TikTok video of Mr. Ben playing on screen]

Mr. Ben: Is that is that me right now? How did you make that so fast? And how did you take over access to the monitor?

Devon: Mr. Ben, why are you so mad? You’re in your assembly era?

Mr. Ben: I’m not mad. I’m confused. Is “the way I ate this up” a compliment because it was nom nom delish and had you gagged?

Ego: Exactly, we love you down, Mr. Ben?

Sarah: You’re so father, period.

Mr. Ben: Okay, see but if fancams are- If fan- If okay. If fan cams are because I’m father then why did you make thin cams of Lady lunch Polina?

Bowen: Because Paulina is mother.

[TikTok video of Polina playing on screen]

Polina: Kids on phone, too much grow up wrong.

Mr. Ben: Guys, I’m trying to understand the fan cams for good or bad. Did you make a Fan Cam of lunch lady Polina to make fun of her?

Bowen: No, we made it because she ate us up and left no crumbs.

Mr. Ben: Left no crumbs? Okay, that’s it. Fancams are officially banned from school.

Students: No.

Devon: Well, Mr. Ben, we thought you were different, but you’re just like everyone else. Mid.

Mr. Ben: I’m sorry. I want to be a cool teacher. I know I’m your bias and then I always munch on it. But I just don’t get it. Why does your generation have to make everyone a celebrity? Why do you film everything? Why?

Bowen: Fine? You really want to know? It’s because COVID.

Mr. Ben: What? What do you mean?

Sarah: Because three years, COVID made us online forever.

Ego: Because COVID locked us down when we were 11, and now we’re 14, so now we have to make you daddy.

Bowen: Because mommy works remotely all day and doesn’t have time to eat it up no crumbs left. So we made you daddy and Ms. Jenny mommy.

Mr. Ben: What? Why is Ms. Jenny mommy?

Ms. Jenny: Guys. We told you, there is nothing going on between me and Mr. Ben.

Devon: Oh really? That explain this.

[TikTok video of Mr. Ben and Ms. Jenny playing on screen]

Mr. Ben: Honey, they’d been through so much. Let’s just tell them the truth. Ms. Jenny and I were in love.

[students teasing them]

Ms. Jenny: Fine, it’s true. He’s Daddy. I’m Mommy. And we’re all a happy family. No crumbs left.

Students: Yayy!

Bug Assembly

Carter… Kenan Thompson

Maya… Heidi Gardner

Kev… Andrew Dismukes

Daisy… Sarah Sherman

Johnny… Rami Malek

Russel… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Carter and Maya at the podium during the school assembly]

Carter: Okay, hello everyone. I am Principle Carter. It’s a big day here at Weymouth Middle School, the bug assembly. Mrs. Maya’s class will present their bugs to their entire student body.

Maya: And they are excited. Sort of like, Burning Man for the weird kids.

Carter: So, without further due, bugs.

[There are four students wearing bugs costumes at the stage]

Kev: I’m a preying mantis, but not religious. I prey on pests in the garden.

Daisy: I’m a ladybug. I have up to 20 spots and that’s a lot!

Johnny: I’m a stinkbug. My nasty odor protects me from predators.

Russel: And I am daddy long legs. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.] [cheers and applause]

Carter: Great! Well, your costumes all look terrific. Looking forward to learning more.

Maya: Let’s hear about your diets.

Johnny: I eat weeds and grasses but not the kind you’re thinking. Don’t get me in trouble.

Daisy: I eat bugs and in my life, I can eat up to 5,000, and that’s a lot.

Russel: And what does daddy long legs eat? Boys, boys, boys. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

Carter: Okay. Russel…

Russel: Call me daddy.

Carter: Okay, daddy, I appreciate the creativity but I’d love to know some more about your insect.

Russel: Well, it’s all in the name. I’m a father and my legs go on for weeks.

Maya: Okay, and daddy–
Russel: I don’t want that from you.

Maya: Okay, Russel, can you say any science facts about yourself?

Russel: Sure. I’m hot, I party and I walk into the room and I’m respected. No more questions. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

Maya: Okay. Russel, you looked like you were about to do a death drop but then you stopped.

Russel: I got scared. I’ve only done it once. I didn’t want my ass to split open in front of the judges.

Maya: There are no judges.

Carter: Yeah. [asking Maya] What is this kid’s deal?

Maya: Well, his dad’s an exect at Bravo. His other dad’s republican. And honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever heard him speak.

Carter: Got it. Got it.

Johnny: I gotta say, this feels kind of unfair. He’s named after his legs and I’m named after stink.

Kev: Honestly, Johnny, out of all the seventh grade boys, you smell really good.

Johnny: Thanks Kev.

Daisy: Also, I could have sworn Russel was assigned cockroach.

Russel: It wasn’t a fit.

Maya: Okay guys, let’s stay on track. Do you bugs have any questions for each other?

Kev: I do. How does the daddy long legs trap its prey?

Russel: I slam my credit card and say, “Daddy’s got it.”

Daisy: Well, why isn’t there mommy long legs?

Russel: [yelling] Shut the hell up. Get her out of here now. I’m going to freak out.

Maya: Okay. Daisy, take a time out.

Russel: I’m gonna scare you in the shower later bitch.

Carter: Alright. Let’s just relax and move on. One of the cool things about today is that we can see how different bugs interact. Since you’re such an artistic bunch, let’s see how daddy long legs and stinkbug might exist in nature. And go.

Johnny: Hi, Mr. Long legs. I’m a stinkbug.

Russel: It’s been a while. [sad music playing] You look worse. Who let you in?

Johnny: What?

Russel: No stinkbug. I miss you. I want your stink back in my life. Let’s get remarried.

Carter: Alright! That is enough! Sorry. I guess we let that go on too far. Kind of got lost in it. I mean, the scene was pretty damn good.

Johnny: You know, Russel isn’t the only one here who can do cool stuff, okay? I can too. I have charisma. [stares awkwardly for a moment] Well, my name is stinky and I’m here to say I emit odor in a stinky way. [does the dab]

Russel: Johnny, that was amazing. I don’t know if you know this, but my dad’s an executive at Bravo. We’re getting you a show.

Johnny: Wow, Russel. Really? That’s amazing.

Russel: Yes. And we have to celebrate. All of us, tonight. Book the school bus coz we’re going out. And remember, daddy’s got it!

[Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]