Ronda Rousey
Kate McKinnon
Aidy Bryant
Jay Pharoah
Taran Killam
Beck Bennett
[Starts with three ladies walking to the bar at the club.]
Ronda: Three martinis please.
[Cut to three guys looking at the ladies]
[Cut to the ladies]
Kate: Oh-oh! These guys were staring at you. [Cut to the guys walking towards the ladies] And I think they’re coming over here.
Jay: Yo, girl!
Taran: What’s up, girl?
Beck: Hello girl.
[Cut to the ladies]
Ronda: Sorry guys, we’re kind of just having girls night.
[Cut to the guys]
Jay: Oh! Well, that’s perfect.
Taran: Yeah, coz actually we was looking to have girls night too.
Beck: Ha-ha. TJ, he’s such a mac. We’re all macs. We’re all player macs actually.
[Cut to the ladies]
Ronda: Not interested.
[Cut to Taran]
Taran: No, no, no. We’re not checking to see if you’re interested. We’re checking to see if you all think you can handle us.
[Cut to the ladies]
Ronda: I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.
[Cut to the guys]
Jay: Oh really?
[music playing]
[rapping] We won’t waste your time talking paper we stack in there
let us tell you about how we pack
Taran: Got a D so big you could ride it like a boat
throw it on the water, walk across it like a moat
Jay: I’ve even heard people say mine’s too much
I pulled it out my pants and I played double dutch
Taran: It’s no urban legend but take it from me
I let it sit shotgun, I can ride HOV
Beck: Don’t worry about mine I’ll go down on you
[Cut to the ladies looking confused]
[Cut to the guys. Jay and Taran are looking at Beck disappointed]
Jay: Faster than the train, you know what? Speeding bullet
so black and big, it was raised by Sandara Bullock
Taran: I walk with three lights when I’m not ever trying
If you was pinocchio’s nose, you’d know he was lying
Beck: Whatever! I’ll just go down on you
And I don’t take my pants off!
[Cut to the ladies looking speechless at what Beck is saying]
[Cut the guys]
Jay: You can get on the back and ride it like a rocket
it looked like an anaconda’s sticking out my pocket
Beck: Must be nice!
Taran: It stays hard like I keep it in the freezer
it leans to the left like the tower of Pisa
Beck: I’ll throw you on the bed, my pants are on
my shirt is on, my hat is on
my socks are on, my jacket’s on
blurred lines!
[Cut the the ladies shaking their heads]
Taran: I got more sausage than New Orleans got gumbo
When I pull down my pants, it looked just like Dumbo
Beck: When I pull down my pants, there’s another pair of pants
pants on, no negotiation!
Jay: Come on home with me, and I’ll break you off carpet
if my thing had a voice, it would sound like Mufasa
Beck: We’ve been doing all the talking let’s let her talk
like what’s your favorite passion and way to dance?
is it belly bottoms or the boogie-woogie?
or satin blows and cha-cha-cha
[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: You’re not even trying to rhyme.
[Cut to the guys]
Beck: I am trying!
Taran: Yo girl, want some good time? Come roll with me
coz my thing goes deeper than poetry
Jay: When they see it, they get show
wank to it and use it as a lasso
Beck: I got a great job. I’ll go down on you. What are we even– I don’t love it but I’ll do it!
[Cut to the guys nodding to the ladies]
[Cut to the ladies]
Ronda: That was disgusting, immature and most of all, a bad rap.
[Beck walks forward and pushes Kate’s shoulder]
Beck: absolutely disagree!
Jay: What are you doing, man?
Ronda: What the hell are you doing?
Beck: I barely pushed her.
[The ladies walk away]
I’m sorry.
[a girl walks by Beck]
I got a small penis but I’ll go down on you.
[The End]