Tag: Attacks

Weekend Update- Jafar on Ron DeSantis’ Attacks on Disney

Michael Che

Jafar… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Governor Ron DeSantis wrapped up his war on Disney after they stopped his attempts to control Disney World’s district. Here to comment is the villain from the movie Aladdin, Jafar.

[Jafar slides in] [cheers and applause]

Jafar: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hello, Michael. So this is the famous Rockefeller palace.

Michael Che: Okay, so Jafar, as a Disney character, what do you think of Ron DeSantis?

Jafar: You mean the boy? Well Michael, as far as villains go, the boy’s an amateur. He has no rizz, no spark, no drip. The look is giving baby mayor. I mean he did wear those white cowboy boots, but let’s be honest, they wore him.

Michael Che: Well, he might not look the part, but are you saying the sandals isn’t bad enough?

Jafar: Not at all. Don’t get me wrong, the boys plenty evil. I mean, banning Rosa Parks and schools. I’m a dark sorcerer and even I was like “Jesus dude, it’s Rosa Park.”

Michael Che: Yeah, now he’s coming for Disney after their stance against his “Don’t say gay” bill.

Jafar: Ha-ha-ha-ha. If the boy thinks he can somehow prevent Disney World from being gay, that carpet has flown. You know what I mean?

Michael Che: No, I really don’t.

Jafar: I mean, if you opened up Grindr on Main Street USA, your phone explodes. And everywhere else in the park, it’s nothing but 40 year old men with braces. I don’t know what that is, but it ain’t straight.

Michael Che: Or are you saying that you’re-

Jafar: A little light in the loafers? Did my John Water stash not tip you off? Of course I’m gay, you petulant fool. My waist is snatched, my eyeliner on point, my final form is a yolked Genie with goddess nails. And I might grow pony. But yeah, Michael I love cooch.

Michael Che: Yeah, I got it. Well. It seems like DeSantis doesn’t even want anything remotely gay happening at Disney World at all.

Jafar: Ugh. There’s already a gay. There’s already a Disney World where nothing gay happens. It’s called Six Flags. There are lots of them at Disney, Michael. Ursula the lesbian,Scar is bi, and Mulan just got top surgery, congrats to them. Now if I may, I’d like to address the boy, DeSantis. Well, if it isn’t the swamp rat, bravo for attempting to seize our precious land, only to be thwarted once again by the House of Mouse. You pitiful straight, you can try to stop us boy. But we ill outsmart your to every turn. “Don’t say gay?” Well, if there is no gay, there is no Disney. And everyone loves Disney, including you. Because your dumbass got married there. And that’s the gayest thing you can do. Though I’m sorry, Mr. DeSante, the gay shall stay and you stay away.

Where were we, Michael? Oh yes. Your earring. It intrigues me.

Michael Che: No, no. Jafar, everybody.

Jafar: Your wedding was at the Grand Floridian and it was gorgeous. It was a gorgeous wedding.

Weekend Update- Chris Christie’s Niece Attacks Latino Family, France Gives Out Free Condoms

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Chris Christie’s niece was arrested on a Spirit Airlines flight to Newark after she accused the Latino family of smuggling cocaine, then injured multiple officers by biting them and kicking them in the groin. She has been sentenced to life in the New Jersey Hall of Fame.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of R Kelly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new album from R Kelly was removed from streaming sites several hours after being uploaded, “And it was not easy to remove his streams,” said the maid who cleaned his couch.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gorilla at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Christmas. The Los Angeles Zoo announced that Evelyn, a 46 year old grill of famous for her red hair has been euthanized. Not because she was sick, but because it’s LA and she was in her 40s. Okay.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Woman leaves 3 buckets of feces for police’]

This’ll get you back. A woman in Texas allegedly dumped three buckets of human waste in front of a police department and drove away. It’s a rare case of erratic behavior from a lady who poops in a bucket. Also, I want to point out that as disturbing as the story is, it’s not as disturbing as imagining the woman’s drive to the police station with full buckets of feces. Because one speed bump turns her car into a Starbucks bathroom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of condom at right top corner.]

Michael Che: France announced that it will start providing free condoms for people between the ages of 18 and 25. Cool, now do deodorant.

Weekend Update Peloton Heart Attacks Alcoholic Mountain Dew

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Peloton logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Peloton is concerned after the TV show Billions became the second series in recent weeks to show a character having a heart attack while using their exercise bike. And they’re extremely worried about how they factor into Season 2 of Squid Game.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsburg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Item from the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s personal library are being auctioned off. They’re selling the books and the desk, but to honor Ginsburg’s legacy they’re gonna hang on to the seat for way longer than they should. [he puts on the glasses similar to Ginsburg’s] I’ll put on the glasses.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “Horse that played seabiscuit dies”]

The horse that played Seabiscuit in the 2003 film has died at the age of 24. So let’s pour one out for a legend. [Picture changes to a pouring glue] [Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a Full House mansion at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The creator of Full House is selling his Beverly Hills mansion which was built on the site of a Manson Family murder. Wow, it is crazy to think that house has connections to a sick twisted criminal. I’m sure she’s fine.

[Picture changes to a burger]

McDonald’s has introduced a new sandwich that combines beef, fish and chicken that they’re calling the land air and sea. Wait is air the chicken? Does McDonald’s think chickens fly? Or do they think this is a chicken? [Picture changes to pigeon] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dolphin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study of female bottlenose dolphins suggests that their clitoris can experience pleasure during sexual stimulation. But sadly their fins can’t reach.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a new can of drink at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Mountain Dew’s Baja Blast is being converted into a new alcoholic Seltzer, which is then being converted into your third DUI.