Aubrey Plaza Monologue

Aubrey Plaza

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Aubrey Plaza.

[Aubrey Plaza walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Aubrey Plaza: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow, it is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I am so happy to be here. This is a dream come true. And yes, I mean that. I know sometimes when I try to be sincere, it can come off as sarcastic. But I care. I really do. I care about things. People just think I’m weird because of the characters that I play,but I’m a normal person. I had a normal childhood with normal parents. In fact, they’re both here tonight. I love you guys.

Okay, that was a lie. But my real family is here including my grandma Margie. Hi grandma. They all came up here from Delaware, which is where I’m from. Thank you. I was actually voted the most famous person from Delaware. I beat Joe Biden. That’s a fact. And he was pissed. He was livid. Look at this video, he sent me.

[Cut to a real video of Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Aubrey, you’re the most famous person out of Delaware and there’s no question about that. We’re just grateful you made it out of white lotus alive.

[cheers and applause]

Aubrey Plaza: I’m so happy to be back here in 30 rock. When I was in college, I actually worked here as an NBC page. And that is true. Take a look at that. [there’s a picture of Aubrey Plaza from the past] Yep, there I am. So cute. I worked with the set design team here at SNL, the guys who make all these amazing sets for the show. And I’ve got to tell you, yeah, they win Emmys, they win Tony’s and they’re some of the sickest perverts I’ve ever met. And I’m a freak.

I’m so like most pages, you know, I had to give tours around the building. So you know what I was thinking? Why don’t I take you on a tour right now?

[cheers and applause]

[a man and a woman walks in and puts a coat on her]

Thank you guys. You guys will definitely host SNL someday. Yeah, right. Okay, so this is the historic studio 8H built in 1599 by William Shakespeare. Hey, Danny, how are you? You still a little bitch?

Right here, we have the SNL page desk. Now this is one of the most important jobs at the show, which is why I was never put here. I was what they called ‘a bad page with terrible phone etiquette’. Which was not true by the way. [phone ringing] I’ll get that. Hello, studio 8H. [in british accent] Who? You want to talk to Lorne Michaels, do you? Lorne Michael’s ain’t here, is he? So he’ll tune back to you, ain’t it? Yeah.

That was Sir Paul McCartney. And that’s how you do it.

Oh, here’s a little studio secret. So there used to be this storage closet. And when I was too hungover to finish the tour, I’d be like, “Just wait in here and you can meet Kristen Wiig,” and then I go puke in the bathroom and go home. Oh, look, here it is. I guess Kris never showed up. That’s on her.

Out here is the hallway where all the magic happens. Look, Ken Thompson.

Kenan: Hey. I’m still waiting on my Starbucks order. It was a flat white.

Aubrey Plaza: Okay, Kenan. Well, it’s Aubrey and I’m hosting now. I am not a page anymore.

Kenan: I know. I ordered it in 2004.

Aubrey Plaza: See? Bad page. Next up on the tour is the set design department where I used to work. So on every tour people would ask the same question – Are we gonna see a celebrity? No, you’re gonna see an old security guy eating a sandwich or writer crying because their sketch got cut. Famous people don’t just-

Amy: Hi Aubrey.

Aubrey Plaza: Hi, Amy. How are you?

Amy: Great.So Aubrey, I see that you’re wearing your page jacket. Are you drinking again?

Aubrey Plaza: Of course, I am. And I was just going to the set design office to see those old perverts

Amy: Aubrey, it’s not nice to call people old. Oh my god, you stole my wallet. That’s my girl.

Aubrey Plaza: Hey guys, Keith, Leo, Joe, did you guys miss me? Hey Leo, when I was showing up an hour late and barely working? Did you ever expect to see me hosting the show?

Leo: We always believed in you, Avery.

Aubrey Plaza: That’s right. So bow to your queen. Oh, that feels so good. Now, that’s the the fastest way back to the stage? Oh my god. Hats off, you guys. Those guys work miracles. And the biggest miracle of all is that they let me back in the building. Oh my god. I’m so happy to be here. I really did work here and I’ve dreamed my entire life of standing on this stage and saying we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Sam Smith is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.