Punkie Johnson
Ego Nwodim
Jordon Peele… Chris Redd
Kenan Thompson
Rami Malek
Daniel Craig
Punkie: Well, it looks like we have a tough choice on our hands.
Ego: I know, I know. I didn’t expect this decision to be so difficult. What do you think, Jordon Peele?
Jordon Peele: I still can’t decide, but it’s definitely between the last two, agreed?
Ego: Definitely.
Jordon Peele: You know what? Why don’t we bring them back in?
Ego: Um, Derpee, can you send in the last two auditioners?
[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek walk in. They both have guitars with them and are well dressed up as Prince.]
[cheers and applause]
Punkie: Wow, this is gonna be tough.
Jordon Peele: First of all, you guys are by far top two choices to play Prince in my new bio.
Ego: But obviously, we can only pick one.
Rami Malek: Of course.
Kenan Thompson: Right. Right.
Jordon Peele: So, the only way to settle this is to have a Prince off.
Rami Malek: A Prince off, sir?
Kenan Thompson: What the hell is a Prince off?
Jordon Peele: Yes. I’ll call out some random scenes from the script and you two will give me your absolute best Prince performance at the same time.
Kenan Thompson: We can do that.
Jordon Peele: Alright. Show me Prince doing a funky lick on the guitar. Action.
[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]
Good. Now, show me Prince getting pelted in the legs with a football.
[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]
Good.
Ego: Now, do Prince stepping on a lego.
[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]
Punkie: Oh my god, this is so hard.
Jordon Peele: Okay, Prince is with his lover and he finishes prematurely.
[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]
Ego: Great. Great. Now, Prince gets in the shower and the water’s too hot.
[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]
Jordon Peele: Let’s see Prince get shot in the stomach.
[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]
Ego: Prince gets a covid test but they go up too far.
[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]
Ego: Now, Prince realizes his virgin pina colada isn’t virgin.
[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]
Jordon Peele: And cut. How do we choose?
Ego: God, I don’t know. Shooting starts tomorrow.
Punkie: So, it’s going to be Rami Malek or Kenan Thompson?
Jordon Peele: I mean, Rami, you look almost identical to Prince in costume.
Rami Malek: Thank you. I was up all night making this look.
Kenan Thompson: Thirsty.
Punkie: And Kenan, you’re in costume but you look nothing like Prince.
Kenan Thompson: Yes, that is correct.
Jordon Peele: But you are black and Rami is not.
Kenan Thompson: Thank you very much.
Rami Malek: You know, that’s not fair.
Jordon Peele: I’m sorry. I just don’t think I can cast a white guy to play Prince.
Rami Malek: But my parents are from Egypt, right? And that’s in Africa.
Kenan Thompson: Come on, man.
Ego: Don’t do that.
Rami Malek: Okay, fine. But doesn’t Prince, like, doesn’t he transcend race?
Jordon Peele: Not in this movie, no.
Ego: There’s an unexpected twist in this Jordan film.
Jordon Peele: That’s right. You see, it starts off with Prince bio, but then–
Rami Malek: It turns into being a horror movie by racism.
Jordon Peele: Okay, lucky guess. Anyway, Kenan, you have the part.
Kenan Thompson: Hurray.
Rami Malek: This is bull.
[Daniel Craig walks in wearing costume worn by princes of Punkie9th century]
Daniel Craig: Am I late?
[cheers and applause]
Ego: Sorry, Daniel Craig.
Daniel Craig: Is it late for the audition for the part of the prince?
Kenan Thompson: Yes, you are.
Ego: Again, sorry, Daniel Craig.
Jordon Peele: And the audition is not for the prince, it’s for Prince the singer.
Daniel Craig: Ha-ha. Yeah.
Ego: Did you even read the script?
Daniel Craig: Yeah, yeah, it’s a horror movie that’s about racism, right?
Rami Malek: Yeah, it is.
Daniel Craig: Well, look, I’m here. I’m ready. Can we? Can I at least have a go? Try? [Daniel Craig gets a guitar]
Jordon Peele: Fine. Show me Prince seeing an adorable dog.
[Daniel Craig does the act]
Ego: But then it bites him.
[Daniel Craig does the act]
Punkie: Okay. So, he kicks it and he misses.
[Daniel Craig does the act. He almost falls on Kenan Thompson.]
Kenan Thompson: Hey. Get off me, Double-O-ugly.
Jordon Peele: How was that?
Jordon Peele: That was bad. But you’re James Bond, so you got the part.