Baby Shower | Season 44 Episode 2

Deedee…..Awkwafina

…..Heidi Gardner

Janet…..Aidy Bryant

…..Leslie Jones

Carrie…..Cecily Strong

…..Melissa Villaseñor

[Five ladies are sitting inside a room for a baby shower]

Heidi: Who got me this? Janet was this from you? It’s a little bib that says ‘Hot Mess’.

Janet: [Cut to Janet sitting holding her baby] Yes, yes, there is this store that puts gay talk on baby things and I can’t get enough.

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi] That’s so cute.

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Hey, what’s the door code?

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi and Carrie] 343, why?

Carrie: Oh, my girl Deedee just got here.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie and Janet] Your girl? What do you mean?

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Oh yes, I invited my dog walker to come.

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi, confused] To my baby shower?

Janet: Why?

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Because she’s cool and we’ve gotten very close through texts and she’s like somebody I want to be more like.

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi, confused] Okay I guess.

[Deedee comes through the door with a pizza slice on her hand]

Deedee: Oh hey, what’s up? I’m Deedee, Hi.

Carrie: Deedee, hi, come sit down next to me. [Carrie pushes away her friend Tina who was already sitting next to her]

Deedee: Hi, cool party. Looks like I’m the youngest one here, pretty dope.

Tina: [Cut to Tina] I guess so. Do you need a plate for that?

Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] I mean pizza’s a plate right?

Carrie: Pizza’s a plate. Haha, that’s Deedee.

Deedee: So who’s the baby shower for?

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi raising her hands] Me. Oh my go, I can’t believe my due date is so soon.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Aww, don’t be nervous. We’ve all been through it. You’ll be fine.

Tina: I’ve had three.

Janet: Yeah, and I’ve had my Joshua.

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie and Deedee] Well, we don’t all have kids. I’d need to find a boyfriend first.

[Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet laugh out loud] [Cut to Carrie and Deedee looking at them laugh]

Deedee: Excuse me, why did everyone laugh?

Janet: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Well, she made a little joke.

[Cut to Carrie and Deedee]

Deedee: Is it a joke? I mean Carrie doesn’t have a partner or anything, so is that the funny part?

Carrie: Deedee, it’s fine.

Deedee: Is it fine? Because I think they’re being rude knowing your situation.

Carrie: I know they are, okay? But this is what I’m used to, okay? It’s not like I can say something. [Carrie speaks with a crying voice, then storms out of the sofa]

Deedee: Carrie, where are you going?

Carrie: I’m going away.

Deedee: Carrie, look at me.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie and Janet] What’s happening?

Janet: I don’t know.

Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] If you leave right now, they win. Is that what you want?

Carrie: No, I just like– I don’t need to be reminded of not having a boyfriend, you know? [Deedee starts to stare at them angrily] Like, honestly. I’ve always been the cutest one and I’ve had the best personality [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet looking at Carrie in disbelief saying all these negative things about them] and none of these girls even dated in high school. I did. So where’s my baby?

Tina: [Cut to Tina and Leslie] Hi, why don’t we just go back to opening gifts? This one’s for me and my triplets.

Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] Okay, nope. New plan. You’ve upset our friend Carrie. So we’re going to get rid of all the baby crap in this room.

Janet: What?

Deedee: Everybody get up. We’re getting all the baby stuff out of this room. We’re not doing this to Carrie. Up, up, up. Hey prego!(pregnant) Up!

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Thanks for being on my side. [Deedee goes to tear the posters and throw the balloons]

Tina: Hey. What–? No, don’t! Don’t rip that down. This is a baby shower.

Heidi: My baby shower. What? Hey!

Deedee: Can you stop talking about yourself for five seconds or what? Carrie just opened up her heart.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] She said she was prettier than all of us.

Tina: And had a better personality.

Carrie: That’s all you heard? And now you just have to stand here and stare at your baby.

[Cut to Janet confused]

Deedee: Hey, um, put that baby in the bedroom.

Janet: Uh, no.

Deedee: Because I’m asking you nicely, you put that baby in the bedroom or I will.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Oh my go, you need to calm down.

Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] I will tear this place apart if that’s what it takes to get you to care about your friend.

Tina: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Carrie, you have never mentioned wanting a baby.

Carrie: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] Because I haven’t. I just thought about it right now.

Deedee: I have asked you three times to put that baby in the bedroom.

Janet: Okay. [Janet stands up and Deedee walks towards Janet] Oh my god. [Walking away from Deedee] Come on Josh.

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi] Carrie, I didn’t even know you were looking to date anyone. Why don’t you go out with my friend Reggie? He think you’re really cute.

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie and Deedee] Wait what? He does? What?

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi nodding her head] Yes, I emailed you that.

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie and Deedee] You did? When? It must have gotten to my junk. Oh no, I threw it out. Look at Reggie, oh he’s cute. Yeah, I guess. Like, yeah. Cool.

Deedee: All right, well this seems good. Feel better?

Carrie: Yeah.

Deedee: Good. I just want you to remember you’re better than them looks-wise and personality-wise. Don’t let them bully you anymore, okay?

Carrie: Thanks girl.

Deedee: All right, what are we doing? Shots? Presents?

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi] Presents, thank you, but should we go tell Janet she can come back?

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie and Tina] No, she’s been having nervous gas this whole time.

Tina: How do you know it wasn’t the baby?

Leslie: What does the baby have to be nervous about?

So You’re Willing to Date a Magician | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Leslie Jones

Tracy…..Awkwafina

Marconius Wilde…..Kenan Thompson

…..Pete Davidson

…..Mickey Day

…..Kyle Mooney

[Intro of So You’re Willing To Date a Magician]

Host: [Host and Tracy standing on the stage] Welcome back to ‘You’re Willing To Date a Magician”. We have four bachelor magicians hoping to cast a spell on our constant Tracy. Tracy, why do you want to date a musician?

Tracy: Well, I just got out of a two-year-old relationship with a DJ, so I’m not feeling that picky.

Host: Ah! Well, that’s fine. Now let’s meet our four single magicians.

Voiceover: [Cut to Marconius Wilde’s pictures on cool video effects] Marconius Wildd. There’s a slide of hand magician who divides his time between Las Vagas, Nevada and a parcel of land just outside of Las Vegas, Nevada.

[Cut to Marconius enters the stage from the door with a deck of cards]

Marconius: Tracy, tonight I’m a king [showing a card, King of hearts] and I’m hoping that you will be, Tracy check your pocket.

[Cut to Tracy and the host, Tracy checks the pocket and shows the card Queen of Hearts] [Tracy is not excited, but the host is very much excited]

Host: Oh my god, it’s a queen of hearts. You’re going to want to keep that.

Marconius: [Comes to Tracy and takes the card back and leaves] Yeah, I need that back. I appreciate it.

Host: All right then. Yes, next is Henry Van Dazzle.

Voiceover: [Cut to Henry Van Dazzle’s pictures on cool video effects] Henry calls himself an Artisan of Amazement on his LinkedIn page.

[Cut to Henry enters the stage from the door with his hands cuffed]

Henry: Charmed my lady. I always said no shackles could hold me [uncuffs himself as a trick] until I met you.

Host: [Cut to Tracy and host] Whoa, that’s impressive right?

Tracy: Yeah, it’s a cool party trick.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] If only one could be invited to a party.

[Cut to Tracy and host]

Host: Okay, next is Dante Raven.

Voiceover: [Cut to Dante Raven’s pictures on cool video effects] Dante is described as a body endurance artist and the prince of self-inflicted pain.

[Cut to Dante enters the stage from the door]

Hey Tracy. I’m the guy for you. I once snorted a billiard ball to impress Valderrama but enough about me, I better hold my tongue. [Literally holds his tongue and pierces it with a long dagger] [Cut to Tracy and the host disgusted]

Tracy: No, please. Not again.

Host: Why Dante, why? She don’t like that Dante. That’s not magic. That’s not magic.

Voiceover: [Cut to Justin Bird pictures on cool video effects] Finally we have Justin Bird from the Brother and Sister team, Byrds of Prey. Fans say their act violates the laws of time and space.

[Cut to Justin enters the stage from the door with his sister dancing]

Justin: HAHAHAHA. Indeed. And those are only some of the laws my sister, and I have violated.

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Tracy: Yeah, he’s nice, but it’s weird his sister is always with him.

[Cut to Justin and his sister]

Justin: Don’t want my sister around? Well, I can easily make her disappear. Vanessa! Vanessa! Oh, I thought I lost you.

Host: Okay Tracy, you are asked to go on a date with each of our bachelor magicians. Let’s start with Marconius Wilde.  [Cut to Marconius staring at them] What did you do with him?

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Tracy: He said he’d already eaten so he too me to a bookstore where we browsed for three hours until he accidentally found a book he was mentioned in the thank yous.

[Cut to Marconius]

Marconius: It’s an intriguing title called “Houdini’s Mistress.” Check your pocket, Michelle.

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Host: Wow, he signed it. That’s so—

[Marconius comes to the host and takes the book back and leaves]

Marconius: Yeah I need that back.

Host: Really? All right then. Let’s go to Henry Van Dazzle. [Cut to Henry] HenryHow was your date with him?

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] A little weird. He took me to this Burlesque show that they do a month in pickle factory in Brooklyn.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] Oh, Burlesque, the thinking man’s erotica.

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Yeah, I guess he thought that made it okay and fun fact, I saw his ID. He’s 55.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] That ID is merely an illusion I use to get senior discounts at Denny’s.

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Host: Okay dude. Let’s get over to Dante Raven. [Cut to Dante] How did that go?

Tracy: Dante said he was going to take me on a freaky [Cut to Tracy and the host] journey inside the mind. We actually went to a very modestly priced Italian restaurant. [Cut to Dante teasing Tracy]

Host: Nice.

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Later when they brought the check, he asked if he could pay by running a sewing needle through his testicles and they said no.

Dante: [Cut to Dante] But I did it anyway for I’ve mastered my pain. [Hits his own head with a bottle and breaks it] [Cut to Tracy and the host]

Host: No Dante. No. How about Justin Bird? [Cut to Justin and his sister] Where did he take you?

Tracy: Oh, we went to Chile’s [Cut to Tracy and the host] which would have been fine but his sister kind of stared at me the whole time. Kind of like that. [Cut to Justin’s sister staring at Tracy] [Cut to Tracy and the host, host is shocked] It also got awkward when our waiter came.

Host: Why is that?

Henry: [Cut to Henry] Because it was me. Waiting tables is my side hustle. My lady.

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] It’s his main hustle.

Host: Okay Tracy, if you’re willing to go on a moonlit cruise with one of these guys, we’ll pay for it.  Who will it be? [Cut to Marconius acting weird] Marconius? [Camera moving to Henry, Dante and Justin, and his sister] Henry? Dante? Or Justin?

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Oh man, it’s so hard to pick one. Would it be possible to pick nobody?

Host: Well that’s what happened last week. So let’s do it again. When we come back, we’ll tell you—[Dante comes close to Tracy in the cut] Why Dante, why? [Dante leaves] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]