President Biden Midterms Address Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Marrianne Williamson… Chloe Fineman

Guy Fieri… Molly Kearney

Takashi 6ix9ine… Marcello Hernández

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

Azealia Banks… Ego Nwodim

Tracy Morgan… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message]

Male voice: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: My fellow Americans, it’s Tuesday. Our midterm elections will determine the fate of our democracy and let’s just say, big yikes. What’s going on? I guess the Democrats message just ain’t getting through. Plus I’m over here talking to people who don’t exist. I don’t know much. Who’s there? Well, nobody’s there.

Folks, I’m trying like hell, I promise. I’m on the peloton every morning tilting fate. I passed that big ass infrastructure bill, remember that? $65 billion. A lot of your Redstate types finally got broadband internet so you can share your Paul Pelosi gay erotic fiction at lightspeed. Which by the way, your right wingers sure do love thinking up these gay little scenario. Kind of suss. But look, I get it. I’m no spring chicken. But people at rallies are yelling at Obama calling him high. How do you think that makes me feel? Do yourself a favor. Google “young Joe Biden” and start a bubble bath.

You guys think I’m and boring now? Well, I can do crazy stuff too. [screams out] I’m scared myself. But listen, folks, that’s the problem. We don’t have any stars anymore. Too many Raphael Warnock and not enough Herschel Walker’s. Which is why we’re going to make some last minute changes before Tuesday with the Democrats who are exciting. Got that sizzle. For example, “Hey, California sick Adam Schiff.” Or, “Meet your next Congresswoman. She ran for president back in 2020 and loves a good crystal. It’s Marianne Williamson.”

[Marrianne Williamson walks in] [cheers and applause]

Marrianne Williamson: As a prominent author, her lover for Enchantress, I am ready to fight for the American Dream, which I caught in this Tibetan singing bowl. [hits the singing bowl and walks out]

Joe Biden: Sounds cool. America’s next defense against the dark arts teacher folks. Now unlike Dr. Oz, this next guy’s got political experience. He was a mayor of flavortown for over 20 years, Guy Fieri.

[Guy Fieri walks in] [cheers and applause]

Guy Fieri: Whoo! Listen, man. America’s hungry for change. But Do y’all want Dr. Oz take a full plate of paid family leave dripping in Donkey sauce? Full throttle. Whoo! [walks out]

Joe Biden: Oh my god. Dream job, dream job. Hey Ohio, meet your next senator, Takashi 6ix9ine.

Takashi 6ix9ine: Hey blood. I want no cap on Social Security. No cap. Democrats baby, Tray Way. Tray Way. [walks out]

Joe Biden: What a terrifying young man. Tired of Gretchen Whitmer? Meet your next Governor of Michigan, adult film star Stormy Daniels.

[Stormy Daniels walks in]

Stormy Daniels: Hi TV. I may be a former adult star, currently on season seven of the Surreal Life, but I’m willing to debase myself and enter US politics. I can work with anyone and I’m willing to reach around the aisle to get things done.

Joe Biden: Yeah. I think it’s reach across the aisle.

Stormy Daniels: Yes sir. You do you. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Talented actress. Now introducing someone who’s gonna beat Marco Rubio because she’s not afraid to fight. She’s the next senator from Florida, Azealia Banks.

[Azealia Banks walks in]

Azealia Banks: I’m a rich bitch. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Okay. And finally, people got mad at me about student loan forgiveness. Well he’s in charge of it now. Tracy Morgan.

[Tracy Morgan walks in]

Tracy Morgan: Okay. Y’all want that money? Why don’t you come on over here and rub my belly?

Joe Biden: Thank you, Tracy. And everybody get up here. Get up everybody. There they are, your new Democratic candidates. Alright team, so what do we want?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I kind of want some sugar free White Castle.

Joe Biden: Well. And when do we want it?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I mean, in my mind, it’s like whenever you good, baby girl.

Joe Biden: All right. Let’s go, team. We’re gonna be fine. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Iggy Azalea show

Iggy Azalea… Kate McKinnon

TI… Jay Pharoah

Azealia Banks… Sasheer Zamata

Rafty Drans… Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with Iggy Azalea show intro]

Male voice: It’s the Iggy Azalea show.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea in her set]

Iggy Azalea: Guys, welcome. Welcome to the show. I’m Iggy Azalea. Thank you all sory much. I like, can’t even believe you’re here for like, little Aussie me. Like, who even am I?

[music playing] [rapping] I tell you who I am, see y’all murder been,
tear it up dirty m* you’re my witness
tick tock on the clock as I’m big in bitches
bang bang go to sound on me clipping bitches

You know what I mean? I don’t know. Oh, I love you guys so much. So much. And speaking of love, let me introduce my producer and rap daddy TI

[Cut to TI.]

TI: Nah, nah, nah. That is absolutely correctly. I created her. She’s my frank and fine, Ay!

[Cut to Iggy Azalea]

Iggy Azalea: Oh, my god! I love you so much. TI, isn’t rap so fun? And you know what else is fun? Feuds. I’m in a new feud errday. So, my first guest is one of my top feud friends, fellow rapper, Azealia Banks.

[Azelia Banks dances to the set. Iggy Azalea dances with her.]

Azelia Banks: No, no, no, no! That’s mine.

Iggy Azalea: Cool. Okay. Azealia, welcome. Oh, my god. You’re so mad at me. Our feud is so hiphop.

Azelia Banks: I came here because I was told that you were gonna apologize to me.

Iggy Azalea: Okay, how’s this for an apology then?

[rapping] click clack popping cap

Azelia Banks: [interrupting] No, no, no! No!

Iggy Azalea: Okay. Great!

[Cut to Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: Look, I’m over this feud. And I called you a poser or whatever, but I want to bury the hatchet. And… wait, did you just put my hat on your head?

[Cut to Iggy Azalea. She is wearing the same hat as Azelia Banks.]

Iggy Azalea: What? Oh, my god! I didn’t even realize. Now, we’re twinsies!

[Cut to Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: I am no one’s twinsie.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea and Azelia Banks]

Iggy Azalea: Azealia, you’re so funny. Okay, not it’s time for my second guest. He’s my cool older cousin and my hiphop mentor, Rafty Drans.

[Rafty Drans walks in dancing]

Rafty Drans: Yeah! Gand-bang boomerang! Thanks everyone for having me.

Iggy Azalea: Oh, my god. Isn’t he cute little handfull of hiphop?

Rafty Drans: Stop it. You’re making me blush all over.

Iggy Azalea: Rafty taught me everything I know about hiphop and today he’s joining me in the segment called tip-hops.

[Cut to TI]

TI: Tip-hops! Hiphop tips!

[Cut to Iggy Azalea and Rafty Drans]

Rafty Drans: That’s right, that’s right. So, tip hop number one, guns. When you don’t know what to do when you rap, just make a gun sound like this. “Bang bang, click clack, tip tip.” That’s a tiny gun.

Iggy Azalea: Don’t use a real gun. Safety first, guys.

Rafty Drans: Yeah.

Iggy Azalea: Tip hop number two, lists. Every good rap has a list of cool things. So, right now, Rafty, me and Azealia are going to create a whole new rap for you by making a list.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea, Rafty Drans and Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: I am not doing that.

Iggy Azalea: Okay, cool. Just Rafty and I then. TI, hit the beats.

[music playing] [rapping] Gold chain, paper cranes,
stuck up hundred horsy men

Rafty Drans: Man haters, sweet potatoes
bang bang like a lang

[Cut to TI]

TI: All day! Rafty put a gun sound in his list. Respect.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea, Rafty Drans and Azelia Banks]

Rafty Drans: Tip hop number three. When your mouth gets tired of rapping, let your booty do the talking.

[music playing. Iggy Azalea stands up and starts twerking.]

Iggy Azalea: Azealia, do you like how I dance?

Azelia Banks: No.

Rafty Drans: Like how I dance?

[Rafty Drans starts twerking at Azelia Banks’s face]

Azelia Banks: A little bit.

[music stops]

Iggy Azalea: Okay, we’re almost at a time, but before we go, I wanna debut a new track. It’s about where I came from. My roots. This song is called “Money Ass”. Play the track.

[music playing] [rapping] money ass
got that ass, got that money
got that money ass
signing checks out them jeans

Rafty Drans: Bang, bang!

Iggy Azalea: You could take that ass to the bank
and buy my ass with it
that money ass.

Right? I think that was a pretty decent rap. That’s all the time we have. I love you guys so much. Bye.