Tag: Baby

Weekend Update Black Market Baby Formula Trumps New Book on 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]

Well, at last year’s finale, it seemed like COVID was fading. And I said we were about to have the horniest summer ever. And now summer’s hottest STD is monkeypox. That’s how weird and bad things have gone. The stock market is crashing. There’s a war in Europe. Everyone on This Is Is is about to croak. The future is looking pretty bleak. I mean, you’d have to be crazy to bring a child into the world right now. I mean, I just did, but don’t worry, I’ve been hoarding baby formula.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tucker Carlson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Recent report shows that Fox News hosts Tucker Carlson seen here bragging about how big it is has repeatedly pushed the theory that Democrats want to replace white people with minorities. But that doesn’t even make sense because white people still exist. It’s not like they suddenly turn into minorities, unless it’s Halloween. Tucker Carlson has got a lot of nerve pushing these wild conspiracy theories, because if he thinks the government has a secret block to help minorities, well, he must be smoking that crack the CIA secretly put in black neighborhoods.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Liz Cheney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Representative Liz Cheney attack the House GOP leadership saying they’ve enabled white supremacy and anti semitism. House leadership rejected Cheney’s attacks, calling them “cheaper than a black rabbi.”

[picture changes to Doug Mastraino]

Right wing right wing election denier Doug Mastriano, whose face appears to be photoshopped onto a hot dog won the Pennsylvania Republican primary for governor and said if he’s elected, he would be so far to the right, he would make Ron DeSantis look like a centrist instead of what DeSantis looks like now, my dad watching me in the school musical.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Elon Musk at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Elon Musk defended himself from allegations that he reportedly exposed himself to a flight attendant on his private jet saying, “If I were inclined to engage in sexual harassment, this is unlikely to be the first time in my entire 30 year career that it comes to light.” Oh, sorry, we were looking for a symbol did not do it. The answer was did not do it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Republicans in Georgia are concerned that Donald Trump has endorsed candidates in the primaries who aren’t qualified. For instance, his pick for attorney general is literally 90s action star Steven Seagal. Now that’s not true. But what does it say about Trump that you didn’t doubt it for a second?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article saying “Rich families buying black market formula” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rich parents across the country are reportedly stocking up on black market baby formula, which I assume is formula that was supposed to go to black markets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at NYU’s graduation ceremony this week, because college is a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift. You’re still going to be paying for a decades later.

[Cut to Michael Che.There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Former President Trump announced that he is writing a book about alleged voter fraud in the presidential election. The book will contain 8000 commas and no periods.

Weekend Update Baby Yoda on His Spiritual Awakening

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With Disney+’s new Obi Wan Kenobi series on the way, it’s a great time to be a Star Wars fan. Here to catch us up on all things Star Wars is baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Baby Yoda: I love you, man. Che! What? Ooh!

Michael Che: What’s up, Baby Yoda? I love you too. How’s life? You got a new vibe.

Baby Yoda: Life is all good Michael. Real good. Season three, man no coming up, blah blah blah. Work, work, work. [making noise] Yeah, it is very enlightening time for me because actually, I’m spiritual now.

Michael Che: That’s right. You studied the ways of the Force, right?

Baby Yoda: Okay, relax nerd. You know when an Ayahuasca retreat is?

Michael Che: Yeah sure.

Baby Yoda: Yeah so, I basically did that with a bunch of pills and weed. And instead of a spiritual guide walking us through it, my boy Tom Holland got on the AUX cable, and I saw God, I was like, “Oh, snap!”

Michael Che: God. Well, it sounds like a great time. Just make sure you stay safe, man.

Baby Yoda: No, I don’t tell me what to do. But yeah, I’m feeling really peaceful these days. Getting into crystals, red sticks, spicy guacamole. Even got a little community going, very old mindful individuals. Yeah. So, me, Jared Leto, Santana featuring Rob Thomas, Bob the Builder and Tila Tequila.

Michael Che: Sounds like a good crew dude.

Baby Yoda: Yes, of course. But look, I love everyone man. Even my haters.

Michael Che: Really? Because you had some strong words for one hater in particular over the years.

Baby Yoda: Yeah, that’s true, but I’m older now. And I just want to say, baby Groot, I know we had our issues. But I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I really, really don’t like you. Next time I see you, I will chop you down like palm onion, sprinkle you on my blunt and smoke you while I’m in the hot tub with your girl. That being said, I love you. And I always got your back.

Michael Che: What?

Baby Yoda: Come on, man. I’m just a baby.

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody.

Baby Monitor

Gina… Selena Gomez

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of friends gathering]

Chris: Dude, your house is sick.

Ego: And you’re sure your parents are gone for the night?

Gina: Oh, totally. It’s their anniversary. So they’ll be fighting in a nice restaurant for the next six hours.

Kyle: That’s so cool.

Chloe: I can’t believe they trust you to be home alone.

Gina: Well, somebody had to watch the twins.

Ego: Wait, the twins?

Gina: Yeah, my baby brother, baby sister. Look, they’re on the baby monitor.

[Cut to video of her brother and sister sleeping. They look too small.]

Chloe: Aww, they’re so sweet.

Ego: I guess I didn’t realize for babysitting.

Chris: Yeah, I thought we were gonna rage tonight.

Gina: No, we could still totally party all night long. On that note, who wants to drink my dad’s beer?

Kyle: Me.

[babies start crying]

Chris: I think babies are up.

Gina: Don’t worry, she’ll bo back to sleep.

Chris: I think she actually just woke up her brother.

[babies crying loudly]

Damg, their eyes are freaky.

Ego: Yeah, looks like when you catch raccoons.

Gina: Guys, come on, let’s focus. Let’s get this party started.

Kyle: Sounds like they’re still crying though.

Chloe: Shouldn’t you go in there and like, comfort them or something?

Gina: How? You’re supposed to like, let themselves sooth.

[babies crying loudly]

Ego: That doesn’t sound like self soothing.

Gina: They’ll be asleep in two seconds. I promise.

Chris: Yeah, I don’t think so. Now they’re doing laps around the crib.

Gina: Oh, that’s good. That will tucker them out.

Chloe: I’m not so sure.

Ego: Yeah, I don’t know how to say this. But it looks like they’re stunting a buck wild.

[the babies are doing backflips]

Gina: I gave them one M&M each before bed,  so they’re loaded with sugar right now.

Ego: Wait, are you allowed to give babies chocolate?

Gina: Yeah, Megan, they’re not dogs. They’re babies. Guys, I thought you wanted a party?

Kyle: We did. But this is definitely more interesting.

Chris: Yeah, looks like they’re fighting.

Gina: Oh, they’re just roughhousing? It’s what siblings do.

Ego: Wait, actually I have a baby brother and sister and I’ve never seen them do that.

[They’re fighting wildly]

Chloe: Oh my god. Do something before her head flies off.

Gina: Oh. Fine. I’ll go give them a piece of bread or something.

Ego: Wait, are babies supposed to eat full pieces of bread?

Chris: I don’t think so. But the babies definitely seem to like it.

Gina: All right, now who wants to focus on getting wasted?

Kyle: Honestly, I don’t want to get drunk anymore. I just want to sit here and watch these babies go hard.

Chris: Wait, what the hell?

[Now there are three babies]

Third baby: Hey, ma.We gotta need bread. Milk! [laughing]This bread is dry.

Ego: Who is that?

Gina: I don’t know. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not.

Chris: That’s not concerning to you?

Gina: No. Now, who wants to chug hand sanitizer and try out my dad’s underwear?

Kyle: None of us.

Chloe: Gina, Why are you acting so crazy?

Ego: Gina, why are you trying to party so hard? These babies need you.

Gina: Look, guys. This might come as a complete shock to you but I’m not a huge party girl. I’ve never even had a sip of alcohol.

Kyle: Yeah, obviously.

Chris: Wait, what? What are you looking at?

[the babies are looking at the baby monitor and laughing]

Chloe: Is that a baby monitor?

[Ego finds a camera turned at them]

Ego: Oh my god. They’re watching us.

Baby Clothes

Bowen Yang

Jerrod Carmichael

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Andrew Dismukes

Cara.. Heidi Gardner

[Starts with adults enjoying watching their babies]

Bowen: Cara, It’s  so sweet. You got these onesies for all the kids.

Cara: You know he’s gonna be a heartbreaker just like his dad.

Chloe: Oh, look, they’re like a tiny little baby couple.

Chris: Or, not to assume. Maybe that’s weird for you guys.[Because Bowen and Jerrod are a gay couple] Sorry.

Bowen: No, we think it’s cute.

Female voice: You love seeing your little one as a future heartbreaker. But what if you don’t want to assume your baby’s going to be straight? Now you don’t have to. With the new “Born This Way” line from Osh Kosh F*Gosh. Your little Tyke will look adorable without being so exclusive. With sayings like “Future twink”, “Lil Lez”, “Messy DJ” and “In the closet because I can’t walk.”

Cara: Doesn’t he look great. I pray to God My son is gay.

Chris: I know. I would love that.

Female voice: Born This Way has designes your baby will love. Like wordplay.

Chloe: Rock-a-bi baby.

Cara: My mommy had a daddy.

Female voice: Political statemets.

Chris: I love milk… Harvey Milk. Rip.

Jerrod: Silence equals violence but crying equals hungry.

Bowe: Alexander Hamilton was a turf.

Female voice: And Butch.

Andrew: Aw, that is this? A tiny belt loop or a ring of keys? The slaves.

Chris: Some parents force their kids to wear a little sports jerseys. My son can be whoever he wants.

Jerrod: Imagine boxing a child into something that doesn’t feel right. I would hate that.

Cara: It’s so archaic to pierce your baby’s ears for baptism. Our kids will never have to confirm to something they don’t want. Thanks, Born This Way.

Chloe: Aw, it looks like they’re dating.

Andrew: Oh please, they’re not exclusive. You know how gay guys are.

Female voice: Born This Way, from Osh Kosh F*gosh. Oh relax, it’s not like they can read.

Weekend Update Baby Yoda on the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will feature several exciting new balloons including star of the Mandalorian Grogu, aka, Baby Yoda. Here to comment is Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Baby Yoda: Your boy is back. Wad up, New York city?

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: It’s great to see you again Baby Yoda. Now, you’re going to be a Parade balloon. You must be excited.

Baby Yoda: Well, I’m getting paid $2 million dollars to kick it with Pikachu, Ronald McDonald and the dude from Diary of a Wimpy Kid on live TV. High as hell. My life’s a movie, son!

Michael Che: It sounds like fun. So, you got any other fun Thanksgiving plans?

Baby Yoda: Hell yeah. Me and your squad are doing a little Friend’s giving thing over at Post Malone’s crib. It’s gonna be me, Millie Bobby Brown, The GEICO Gecko, new mega, and my boy Clifford the Big Red Dog. The crew.

Michael Che: Gosh. Well, and I noticed you have a new look.

Baby Yoda: Yeah. Oh, I guess it’s obvious. So, I’m a punk now. Yeah, like a really authentic, stick it to the man, Pop Punk. Yeah, I actually got a– I got a new album coming out.

Michael Che: Oh, really?

Baby Yoda: Yeah, yeah. It’s called “Confessions of the diary of a loser”. It’s about being unpopular in high school because you’re a little green Jedi. And Che, I’m not gonna lie. The world ain’t ready for how good this music is. Woohoo!

Michael Che: It’s exciting. Can we hear a little?

Baby Yoda: Oh, he gotta twist my arm like that. Okay, yeah, I’ll drop one a capella. This song is called “10th grade is hard”.

[singing] Just another boring day in high school, Whoa
Why can I be on the TV? Yay Yeah
I guess I just stereotypical,
oh god oh god, yeah

Michael Che: I like it. Everybody likes it. What about the whole high school thing? How old are you again?

Baby Yoda: I’m in my 50s. But, yeah, you know your boy ain’t exactly y’all odd popular anymore. Yeah, turns out being on Disney plus has its own pluses.

Michael Che: That’s right. There’s been a lot of speculation about your dating life.

Baby Yoda: Yeah. That’s actually private. You know? I don’t really talk about that stuff. But uh, yeah, I’ll tell you everything. I’m dating mama bear from the Berenstein Bears. You know, we’re haveing fun. And bro, when she show up with that blue night gown and cap on, yeah. Let’s just say we go beren-stain them sheets.

Michael Che: Oh, come on, man. That is not appropriate.

Baby Yoda: Nah. It is though. Oh. I got a message for her ex. Baby Groot, it’s over. If you text my girl again, I will throw your twig ass in the chipper, turn you into some paper and then wipe my little green ass with you. Amen.

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody.

Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Star Wars Day Celebrations

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, this past Tuesday was May the 4th, aka Star Wars Day. Here to share his thoughts on what Star Wars means to him is star of the Mandalorian, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: [shouting] Whoa! This side, say what? This side, say what?

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s some great energy, Baby Yoda. Happy Star Wars Day. How did you celebrate?

Baby Yoda: Let’s see. I smoked weed and took pills because I’m not like a nerd. You know, I really love the fans. And I actually think they’re cool. [looks at Michael Che and shakes his head no]

Michael Che: Yeah, I think I got it. Thanks for being here. You’re looking pretty jacked. I mean, have you been working out?

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. I’ve been hitting the gym. You know, getting my sets in. Yeah. And actually, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce I’m dedicating my life to MMA style fighting.

Michael Che: Wow, really?

Baby Yoda: Yeah. I got the bug. Big trade, holler at my boys, Jake and Logan Paul. They got to be eating right, getting on that treadmill and taking a significant amount of performance-enhancing drugs.

Michael Che: Come on, man.

Baby Yoda: Ay, look what I can, Che. [punching] Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! At the end of the day, get me against the ropes, I can hit them with “I’m just a baby”, Blap! Bye-bye.

Michael Che: Wow, man. I’m really happy for you.

Baby Yoda: Yeah, man. My life is a movie right now. I’m doing the fighting. I got a great group of friends. And we all young, horny and famous.

Michael Che: Okay. So, who are you friends?

Baby Yoda: So, it’s me, Chalamet, cousin Greg, the kid from Anari, and of course, Lightening McQueen from Cars. These are all designated driver. Wink!

Michael Che: See, okay, I don’t love that.

Baby Yoda: No, you do. And if you don’t, I’ll be like, Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Come on, Che. You can’t do nothing. I’ve got that McDonald’s money.

Michael Che: McDonald’s? We don’t know what you’re talking about.

Baby Yoda: Alright. Yes. So, McDonald’s is doing this limited edition Baby Yoda meal. Yeah, it’s a quarter pounder, small soda, two big ass eggs, and a little baggie of MDMA.

Michael Che: Oh my god. Is that supposed to be good for you?

Baby Yoda: Hhhhhhhhhhhhell yeah!

Michael Che: You need to relax.

Baby Yoda: Not really. But one last thing. June 23rd, Ceasars palace, pay-per-view, me and Baby Groot, hand to hand in a little ass ring. 0-0. Baby Groot, I look forward to seeing you. I know it’s for charity, but I do intend to end your life that night. I will kill you. And I will enjoy it.

Michael Che: Alright! Baby Yoda, everybody.

Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Season 2 of The Mandalorian

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: In a break from election news, season 2 of “The Mandolorian” premiered on Disney Plus on Friday. Here to discuss it is the star of the show, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: I’m back. What?

Michael Che: Wow. Well, it’s really good to see you, Baby Yoda. How have you been?

Baby Yoda: I’ve been good. I spent the summer quarantining with my homies Jake Paul, Mia Khalifa and Wreck-It Ralph. Nice dude. Real nice dude. But you know, it was chill. I mean, I’m just a baby.

Michael Che: Well, that’s good. “The Mandolorian” is back. That’s pretty exciting. Sounds like it’s going to be a good season.

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. But shout out to the writers. I mean they mad awkward to be around. But they come up with some Fuego ideas, bro. I just wish they’d let me dance a little more. You know what I’m saying? Like, [dancing] hey, hey.

Michael Che: Yeah. It doesn’t seem like that kind of show.

Baby Yoda: No. The idea is no. But to my fans, I love y’all. For real. But some of y’all can maybe take it easy on those DMs though. I mean I read some of these. I’m like, “Dang! You wanna do what to Baby Yoda?” You know, that’s all– that’s interesting. They’re sexual in nature, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah. I got that. Well, it sounds like you’re definitely a fan favorite.

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. You know, things are kind of blowing up. You might have heard me on a Joe Rogan’s podcast. Talking about my new line of cannabis products. That was a chill five hours.

Michael Che: Oh, damn. Baby Yoda, you really do smoke weed?

Baby Yoda: Oh, hell yeah. Hey, how do you think I got so green? No, but for real, we selling them Dago-bud, Wookie Cookies, and CBD kombucha called Jabba the Kombucha.

Michael Che: That’s very cool. It’s very cool.

Baby Yoda: But Michael, since I have this platform, I do want to say something real quick.

Michael Che: By all means.

Baby Yoda: I’ma put it like this. Baby Groot, we ain’t friends. I know you still talking smack about me and I just want to say your TikToks are cringe, bro. Dylan Sprouse hit me up like, “Yo, you see this?” I was like, “Yup.” But honestly, it’s all love. I’m not a hater. But if you say my name one more time, I’ll kill you.

Michael Che: Wow. Baby Yoda, everyone. Oh my god.

Airport Sushi

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Bird… Kenan Thompson

Sushi Chef… Cecily Strong

Mouse… Alex Moffat

Air-hostess… Chloe Fineman

Aunt Annie… Kate McKinnon

Baby… Beck Bennett

Jake Gyllenhaal

Mikey Day

Bowen Yang

David Byrne

[Starts with Chris and Pete buying stuffs at airport store.]

Chris: Yeah, I’ll get this Chobani Yogurt with no spoon to eat it with please.

Pete: Yeah, and I’d like a bottle of water that will roll to the back of the plane as soon as we take off.

John: Alright. $15, Dasani water, extra plastic.

Pete: And, you know what? I will grab a sushi too.

[John looks at Pete with shock]

John: I’m sorry?

Pete: The sushi, you know? The spicy tuna roll that’s sitting in on the display case next to the ham and cheese panini.

John: [hesitating] You’re sure you wanna eat the sushi?

Chris: You’re buying sushi at LaGuardia airport? Have you lost your damn mind?

Pete: What? I want a nice balance of carbs and protein. Just sell me the sushi, man.

John: Your wish is my command, Kimasabi. [speaking in loud voice] Oh, phantom of LaGuardia, why don’t you tell this fine young man how he’ll feel after he eats our sushi?

[music playing]

[A bird wearing a mask appears.]

[The store changes into a performance stage. There’s smoke and lights.]

Bird: [singing] In dreams it’s haunting you
that fish you ate
the expiration date
ends in one-eight
and still you’re choosing it
as food for plane
The Phantom of LeGuardia is there
it smells insane

Sushi Chef: I am the sushi chef
that made that roll
the fish inside of it
crawled out of hole
yet you’re consuming it
this great mistake
you’d honestly be so much better off
eating a Wuhan snake

[music stops]

Chris: Is he supposed to be a pigeon?

John: No. He’s one of the geese that took down Sully’s plane.

Bird: Miracle on the Hudson. More like, massacre in the sky.

Pete: And there’s just a bird loose in the terminal?

John: Of course, there is. Haven’t you been to LaGuardia before?

[music playing]

[singing] I like to be at LaGuardia
lots of delays at LaGuardia
two small for planes at LaGuardia

Bird: Watched a man die in LaGuardia

Sushi Chef: Baggage claim carousel cling clang

John: Outlets are there for a cool prank

Sushi Chef: Ha-ha, loose fire hangs from the ceiling
Bird: Gives you a skanky old feeling

[a mouse and an air-hostess join them]

All: I like to be at LaGuardia
It’s time to breathe at LaGuardia
we might have sealed LaGuardia
who can we blame for LaGuardia?

[music stops]

[Aunt Annie runs in]

Aunt Annie: I’ll tell you who you can blame.

John: Aunty orphan Annie?

[music playing]

Aunt Annie: When anything’s bad, De Blasio
throw your hands up and say De Blasio
you’ll feel shamed
I know some of it was Mike Bloomberg
but it still feels like De Blasio is to blame

Sushi Chef: Why are there five planes on the tarmic?

Aunt Annie: But the taxis must stay three miles away

All: De Blasio, De Blasio
the cops hate De Blasio
he’ll keep every song away

[music stops]

John: And look, here comes [everyone starts snapping their fingers] a crying baby about to board a trans-continental flight.

[a baby walks in snapping his finger.]

[music playing]

Baby: Gu-gu-ga-ga, gu-gu-ga-ga
I’m screaming cry voice
got a stripe rope in my diaper
oh, it’s a stinky stool boy

John: Just play it cool, baby. Real cool.

Baby: If my parents are looking for me, which they’re not, I’ll be in the kid’s playground that’s also a pet relief area. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

John: Wow, they let a baby through security.

[Jake walks in. He’s wearing pajamas.]

Jake: Did someone say security?

[cheers and applause]

John: Hello, guy who travels in pajamas.

Jake: That’s right. I dress so that TSA could have easy access to my body.

[music playing]

So, if you care to search me
I’ll spread my legs real wife
I’ll even bend over for you
you can take a peek inside

[Jake starts levetating]

you can tell that I enjoy security
you can search way up in my cavity
you can pack me down
you don’t have to use the front of your hands

[music stops]

John: Okay, Jesus. We get it. You can continue on to Cleveland now.

Jake: How did you know I was going to Cleveland?

John: That’s where everyone at LaGuardia is going, like it or not.

[Jake levetates away]

[Mikey is announcing from the United Express booth.]

Mikey: Attention, we have  gate change for passengers going to Cleveland. Your old gate was A-7. Your new gate is G-46. It is physically impossible for you to make it to that gate in time and the plane will leave indeed. Thank you.

Pete: Man, I told you we should have left at JFK.

[Bowen walks in. He’s an Asian wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Ha-ha. And I guess I should have stayed home.

[John moves away from him screaming]

Oh, relax! I’m not sick. I’m just…

[music playing] profiled Asian
standing beside you
if I cough then it’s over
you’ll get off the plane
profiled Asian
no, I wasn’t in “Parasite”
I know the virus is bad but
it’s coming from Italy too

[music stops]

Chris: Man, this airport is it’s own world.

John: Yes. A third world.

[David walks in. He is a baggage handler.]

David: And if you stay here long enough, you will learn the mysteries of LaGuardia.

John: Wow, it’s the baggage handler who tosses everyone’s suitcase into Long Island sound.

David: That’s right. And you should know that…

[music playing]

All: We’re on a plane to nowhere
hop on in side
they say it’s about to take off
but that is a lie
sure, it will start to taxi
but then it comes back
we’re on a road to one motel
overnight, let’s go find

City Council Meeting

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney

Gary Lumus… Kenan Thompson

Baby… Amy Schumer

Caren… Leslie Jones

Rick… Pete Davidson

[Starts with City Council Meeting]

Bobby: Alright. Motion to put a stop sign on Walnut Avenue passes.

Cecily: And we now begin the Baker’s Field citizens forum and invite members of the community to the podium.

[Cut to Jan walking to the podium]

Jan: My name is Jan Krang.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Ms. Krang. Can you pull back from the microphone?

Jan: No! [Cut to Jan] I cannot. My grievance is with the teens who loiter in the Zappy’s lazer tag parking lot at night. They do wheelie, they smoke e-cigarettes, they dry hump in their cars. Now, I know they’re doing it because I can hear the sound of the denim on the denim.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Have you contacted Zappy’s management?

[Cut to Jan]

Jan: Hundreds of times. And they have blocked my number. Now, all in favor of having Zappy’s parking lot bull-do say, “Yes, yes!”

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Um, Ms. Krang, we’re not voting on that. I suggest you file a formal noise complaint with the sheriff’s department.

[Cut to Jan]

Jan: Jan Krang, J-A-N K-rang.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yea, we have your name. Thank you miss Krang. Yess, hello sir.

[cut to the podium. Jan leaves and MC Strategy walks to it.]

MC Strategy: [speaking with an accent] Hello, my name is MC Strategy of the Mythic Insight’s crew. I recently moved here from Holland because of the underground hip-hop community here. I want to make sure that musical act you fired for the fall carnival is not mainstream making cream, all about the money, fake MCs with store bought flows. May I suggest MC Strategy performs. The realist MC.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: The city events committee handles  the fall carnival. You can contact them through the city’s website.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: Thank you for being part of the movement. Real hip-hop.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yes. You’re very welcome. Yes, the man in the Halloween themed tie.

[Cut to Gary. He’swearing Halloween tie and his jacket has a pumpkin on it’s right patch.]

Gary: Well, that’s me, scary Gary Lumus. As you know, the 31st of this month is all hallow’s eve where goons and goblins take to the streets for the spookiest nights. My question is, may I shut down 10 city blocks near my home for the march of 10 frights?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: What is the march of 10 frights?

[Cut to Gary]

Gary: A goolish parade of 400 freaky friends, ghosties, mummies, pumpkin people, and a host of haunts all armed with ooze cannons marches through the streets, singing a goolish chorus. It will truly be a fright… [Gary shows his hands. They’re hugs green and best like.] to remember. Monster hands!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Yes, I see that. I’m sorry Mr. Lumus but we cannot close major streets for private events. Thank you. Yes, hello, the little girl. Hi there.

[Cut to Baby.]

Baby: Hello. My name is Amy Berry Willer Schumer and I’m this many years old. [showing six fingers] Praise our lord Jesus Christ. He’s the best.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Aren’t you adorable. Do you have a question for us?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes, babe. I was wondering if you could make recess longer at school.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Aw! I think that’s up to your school, sweetheart. Anything else?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes! I wanna be allowed to bring my firearm to school.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: You own a gun?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes, sir. A bunch. A very pro life. Also, could we make bible class to Jesus’s teacher. Also, could you pass a federal mandate to ban all gay marriage? It’s not natural. It’s not natural.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Okay. Okay. You’re freaking me out, so we’re gonna move on. Um, yes, hello ma’am. You.

[Cut to Caren on the podium]

Caren: Hello. Okay, you can do this Caren. My name is Caren and I’m an alcoholic.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Oh, you know what? This isn’t– that’s not what this is.

[Cut to Caren]

Caren: Please don’t interrupt me. This is difficult for me. I’ve been sober now for 20 minutes. I decided to seek help because I was drinking on a job which was affecting my performance as a school bus driver.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Ma’am. This is not an alcoholic synonymous meeting. They meet here  on Wednesday nights.

[Cut to Caren]

Caren: For real? Man, I thought this was Wednesday.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, someone find out what school she works in. Alright, hello there, young man.

[Cut to Rick on the podium]

Rick: Wad up? I’m Rick. Um, you guys see Bieber’s dong?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Did.. Did.. Did we see Justin Bieber’s dong?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was… It was alright, right?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily. Bobby is nodding his head and smiling]

Bobby: Yeah. I thought it was pretty good.

Cecily: I’m sorry. Do you have a question that pertains to a city related issue?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: No. I do not. Peace!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Great! Well, that concludes the citizen’s forum. After party at Zappy’s guys? I think that would be a great idea.

[The End]