Baby Faye and Her Newsboys

Baby Faye… Cecily Strong

Harry Styles

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Baby Faye and Her Newsboys intro]

Announcer: Presenting 10 year old sensation Baby Faye and her News Boys. Come and see the hit of the 1921 Vaudeville circuit. Get your tickets now for one nickel.

[Cut to another poster of the show]

Calling all the guys of 1931, yes, it’s 10 years later and these 20 years old are still playing 6. Tickets are going nowhere fast. Baby Faye and the News Guys.

[Cut to another poster of the show]

Extra, extra! It’s 1956 and Baby Faye has sold out—her dignity. Please welcome Baby Faye and the grown-up male news guys.

[Music starts playing] [Cut to the show. The guys dancers are dancing on the stage.]

Everybody: Mister, mister!

Harry: Get a log of this headline

Mikey: Page!

Everybody: Mister, mister!

Beck: Did you hear the news yet? Baby Faye is ‘bout to hit the stage.

Mikey: Presenting!

Beck: In person!

Harry: That 5’8”.

Mikey: 45-year-old!

Harry: Unwed, full childless woman in toddler’s clothes.

[Music starts and drum rolls]

Beck: That 150-pound bundle of joy, Baby Faye!

[Baby Faye enters the stage]

Baby Faye: Hello, everyone. My name’s Baby Faye. What’s your name?

[Music starts playing]

The guys: La-la-la-la.

Baby Faye: No, no, no, no. Don’t go into the song. I’m obviously stuck in the G.D. splits.

Harry: Those aren’t the splits. I can see daybreak between your crotch and the floor.

Baby Faye: Shut up! Introduce me some more while I get up.

Mikey: Okay. Drum roll, please.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Reintroducing the woman we’re looking at.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Heavy smoker and worrisome drinker.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: She’s stuck in the jazz splits somehow. Probably due to her lifestyle.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: She may sound slow, but she isn’t.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: She binds her chest, thinking that’s the issue here.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: They weren’t that big to begin with?

Baby Faye: Hey! [Cut to Baby Faye] Stop that’s not my intro.

[Cut to the guys]

Mikey: What do you expect? You made us vamp. Just sing.

[Cut to Baby Faye]

Baby Faye: All right, what is your name?

[Music starts playing] [Cut to everybody dancing]

Let me make you happy

Let me put on a show

I can do some high kicks

Ow, Damnit! Oh, I pulled something!

Faye’s mom: Faye!

[Faye’s mom enters the stage]

Baby Faye: Mama!

[Cut to Faye’s mom]

Faye’s mom: No, no, no, no. There’s five people out there and they paid for a good show. You’re giving them the kind of hot junk you can find in the toilet.

[Cut to Baby Faye]

Baby Faye: Mama!

[Cut to Faye’s mom]

Faye’s mom: And you need to mind your breasts.

[Cut to Baby Faye and her mom]

Baby Faye: I binded them, mama!

Faye’s mom: It’s bound, you dummy!

Baby Faye: Mama! It’s my birthday.

Faye’s mom:I don’t care. [Cut to Faye’s mom] I don’t care. I need you to be a dependent a little bit longer. Mama needs that, now do your damn duet.

[Faye’s mom leaves] [Music starts playing] [Baby Faye and Harry are holding hands and dancing]

Baby Faye: How did this happen

I’m in love with a boy who’s five

Harry: Five, five, five, five!

and I’m in love with a girl who’s six,

Baby Faye: Six, six, six, six.

Both: What do we do with a love like this

[A half moon comes behind them]

I say we ride on a moonbeam

and dance our way back down

[Baby Faye sits on the half moon]

Lift me!

[Cut to Beck trying to lift the moon with a handle bar back stage]

Beck: Ugh, I can’t do it. I think my hernia popped out.

[Cut to Baby Faye]

Baby Faye: Dammit! Let’s just go to the big finish. Tap break, fellas. Hit it!

[Cut to Baby Faye, Mikey and Beck. They are tap dancing.] [Faye’s mom enters the stage]

Faye’s mom: Don’t bother. I just went out there and there’s only four men in the audience and they’re all jackabating with girlie mags. I guess it’s something about doing it in public. Oh, well. Everything’s coming up, wrong.

[Faye’s mom falls off the stage] [Cut to the show poster]

Announcer: Yes, they strip now. She just introduces them and then she leaves. That’s Show Biz!