Weekend Update Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy Explains Passover With His Dad

Jacob… Venessa Bayer

Michael Che

Dr. Hankin… Billy Crystal

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Today marks the end of the Jewish holiday of Passover. Here to give us some info about the holiday is my podiatrist’s son and recent Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: Hi, Michael. My dad wanted me to give you this ointment for your athlete foot.

Michael Che: Oh, thank you, Jacob. So, did you have a good Passover this year?

[Jacob does not answer. He opens his notes and starts reading.]

Jacob: [clears throat] Each year at Passover, we ask four questions which explains why this night is different from all other nights.

Michael Che: So, you’re just gonna launch right into it, huh?

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The first reason Passover is different from other nights is that instead of eating leavened bread, we eat matzah. It’s pretty blend, but don’t quote me under it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Jacob]

Michael Che: Okay. So, it sounds like you’re not a big fan of matzah.

[Jacob just looks and Michael Che and continues reading his notes.] [Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The second reason is that we eat bitter herbs to remind us the cruel way the Jews were punished in Egypt. Sounds pretty bad, but not as bad as my brother Ethan got punished for grinding at his BBYO dance. But don’t quote me under it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Jacob]

Michael Che: Yeah, I wasn’t gonna. Jacob, it seems like you really like telling jokes? I mean where did you get that great sense of humor from?

Jacob: My dad who happens to be here tonight.

[Dr. Hankin slides in]

Dr. Hankin: Hi. Michael, here is the foot cream. He has toe nails that look like potato chips.

Michael Che: It’s my podiatrist, everybody. Dr. Hankin. So, doc, what’s your favorite thing about the Passover holiday?

[Dr. Hankin just looks at Michael Che and then opens his notes too.] [Cut to Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Dr. Hankin: [clears throat] The third reason Passover is different from other nights is that we dip twice. I don’t know about you but I always dip my food twice, once in salsa and once in guacamole. You do that math!

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: What math, man? Look doc, we can just have a conversation like we do at the office.

[Dr. Hankin just looks at Michael Che and then looks at notes.] [Cut to Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Dr. Hankin: The fourth reason Passover is different is that on Passover, we eat reclining back on our chairs. Sort of like when I took Peggy Tinkerton to the prom. She was a goy.. as in goy-geous. We did a lot of reclining in the back seat. You do the math!

Jacob: But don’t quote him under it.

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: I promise I won’t. Yes, so Yankees. They had a rough loss last night. Nineteen innings. Are you guys sad that there Derek Jeter isn’t playing anymore?

[Jacob and Dr. Hankin start scratching their eyes.]

Hey, I’m sorry guys. I didn’t mean to make it weird.

[Jacob and Dr. Hankin look at Michael Che for a moment]

Jacob: In conclusion, I want to thank my wonderful dad for joining me on this special day.

Dr. Hankin: Oh, Jacob. I remember the moment you were born. You mother was screaming, “I’m not doing this again.” Let us pray. I don’t know what they’re putting in the water these days because look how big you’re getting. You look mar….ginally bigger than you were before.

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob and his dad, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Jacob: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Jacob The Bar Mitzvah Boy on Hanukkah Origins

Michael Che

Colin Jost

Jacob… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che on his set]

Michael Che: This Tuesday will mark the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. Here to explain some Hanukkah traditions is my new podiatrist’s son and recent bar mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: Here, Michael. My dad said to give you this ointment as a token of appreciation for your business.

Michael Che: Oh, thank you. And it’s great to meet you, Jacob. Are you excited about Hanukkah?

[Michael Che silently opens his book]

Jacob: [clears his throat] The Jewish holiday of Hanukkah commemorates the miraculous victory of the Maccabees in ancient times.

Michael Che: So, you’re just gonna launch right into it, huh? Okay, that’s cool.

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.] [Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: In 165 BCE, they defeated the evil King Antiochus. He was very mean. But not as mean as my Spanish tutor, Mr. Freeburgh. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Jacob, you seem a little nervous. You don’t have to do a rehearsed speech like at your bar mid school. We can just talk like buddies.

[Jacob smiles at Michael Che]

Jacob: Each night at Hanukkah [cut to Jacob] we light a candle and say a prayer. The prayer for the bread, the prayer for the wine, oh, and a prayer that YouTube finally disabled the comments on the rock music video I made with my cousins. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I think you might already have already used that one. Um, do you really have a lawyer, Jacob?

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

Jacob: In conclusion…

Michael Che: Okay, back to the book. I got it.

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: I want to thank my aunt Betty and uncle Richard for making the shlop out from New Jersey. Also, thank you to cousin Barbara for your beautiful Koogle. And thank you to the wonderful bar mitzvah dancers, tornado in sky who walked my bobby onto the dance floor and prompted her adlip the joke, a girl could used to this.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s pretty nice, Jacob.

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

Jacob: And lastly…

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: I want to thank Derek Jeter for his years of service to the New York Yankees.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That is very sweet, Jacob. You know, you’re a real cool kid. How about a high-five?

[Jacob high-fives Michael Che]

bar mitzvah boy, Jacob, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost:¬†I’m Colin Jost. Good night.