Barber Shop Talk

Troy…Dave Chappelle

Phillip… Michael Longfellow

[Starts with people talking in a barber shop]

Kenan: Man, oh, man, I still cannot believe that Kanye messed up all that money.

Troy: How you going to lose $2 billion in a day? It’s like he was using a paper shredder.

Punkie: Mmhmm, ’cause it couldn’t be me.

Ego: I know, right? Then he did all them damn interviews, making things worse and worse.

Troy: You ain’t got to say everything that you’re thinking all the damn time.

Kenan: Exactly, man. He lost me when he put on that White Lives Matter shirt.

Ego: Right, right, or when he said that message about George Floyd.

Phillip: [he’s the only white guy in the barber shop] Exactly. And his comments about Jewish people. I mean, way off the mark.

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Troy: I ain’t gonna lie. I was listening to “College Dropout” earlier today in the car. Still sound good to me.

Devon: Word. It’s going to be hard for me to enjoy listening to Kanye for a while.

Phillip: Same. That’s why I set all my Yeezys on fire. I mean, they’re only sneakers, right?

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Punkie: Yeah. But, um, that Kyrie Irving stuff is a trip, right? I mean, are they going to let him play again, or what?

Ego: I heard they have him like a list of things he’s got to do before they let him back on the team.

Troy: I stopped paying attention to that boy when he said the world was flat.

All: Exactly.

Phillip: Or when he refused to take the vaccine.

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

I mean, I can understand an initial skepticism, but if the president of the United States says it’s safe…

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Ego: I’m still mad that my girl Stacey Abram’s loss.

Punkie: Thank you! Like how did she lose?! I mean, but Herschel Walker, he gets a runoff? I mean, what is going on in Georgia?

Phillip: It’s the Bible Belt, and this country will never progress until we separate God and politics.

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Kenan: Aye, y’all heard your man got robbed last night?

Troy: Yeah. I heard they took a $20,000 chain off his neck, too.

Devon: Damn!

Phillip: Now who would spend that much money on a necklace?

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Troy: Man, you know what I finally watched? That Dahmer thing they had on Netflix.

Phillip: Ohhh! That was so good, right? I mean, not—

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Not good as in he’s good. Just I thought it provided some needed insights on some…

Ego:  I wish they made more showsthat everybody could enjoy.

Troy: Ooh, like “Atlanta.” They’re killing it this season.

Kenan: Yeah, or “Abbott Elementary.”

Phillip: Or “Yellowstone.”

Kenan: Yellow what?

Phillip: “Yellowstone.” It’s like the most streamed show in the world.

Kenan: Oh, is that right?

[Phillip’s watch beeping]

Phillip: Oh! Oh, I guess it’s already 6:05. Well, that’s it for my shift. Um, Troy, thank you, again, for letting me work in your barbershop.

Troy: It’s all good, Phillip. Don’t worry about a thing.

Phillip: Hopefully, tomorrow, I’ll get a customer.

Troy: Yeah, maybe, you know.

Phillip: I hope I didn’t say anything that was too offensive to anybody.

Troy: No! No, no, no. You all good, Phillip, man. Thank you so much and I will see you bright and early.

Phillip: Okay, alright. Uh, alright, well, you guys take care. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Troy: Okay. Bye bye.

Ego: Okay, Phillip.

All: Bye bye.

[Phillip walks out and Troy closes the door]

Troy: He’s the police, ain’t he?

Kenan: Absolutely.

Ego: Oh, for sure.

Punkie: That’s right. I was going to say a cannibal.