Hillary and Bernie Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Hillary Clinton having a drink at the bar booth]

Hillary Clinton: Well bartender, I’ve done it. I’ve won the nomination. I mean, no I haven’t. I keep losing states but mathematically, I’ve done it. To math! [Hillary Clinton finishes her drink] Aright, I think I’m gonna head home. Don’t you work too late now.

Bartender: Oh, I won’t, Mrs. Clinton. I’m actually closing up the bar right now. So, everybody’s got to go. It means you too sir.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Bartender and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders is sitting far away on the sofa.]

Bernie Sanders: No freaking way! I’m not going anywhere. I can stay here as long as I want.

Bartender: Senator Sanders, I’m sorry but the night is over.

Bernie Sanders: No! No, it’s not over. It’s not over till I say it’s over.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, hello Bernie. I didn’t see you sitting behind me. So far behind me, you could never catch up.

[Bernie Sanders walks up to Hillary Clinton]

Bernie Sanders: Oh, shut up. You saw me. You even see me in your sleep, baby. Because I’m your worst nightmare.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, please! My worst nightmare is mandatory spa day and you know it.

Bernie Sanders: Mine is waiting over an hour at Lens Crafters. 

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Oh, Bernie. It’s always so just fine to see you. I love you suit by the way. Looks old.

Bernie Sanders: And I love your suit. Looks like you were elected to the galactic council. 

Hillary Clinton: Excuse me bartender, do you mind if I just have one more drink with my old, very old, kind of dangerously old friend Bernie?

Bartender: Sure Mrs. Clinton. What can I get for you two?

Bernie Sanders: I’ll have a beer. A new brand that people love flocking to. Something refreshing and revolutionary. Something that draws huge crowds.

Hillary Clinton: And I’ll have whatever beer no one likes but gets the job done. [to Bernie] Oh Bernie, you should be proud, you know? You ran a damn good campaign.

Bernie Sanders: I am running a good campaign.

Hillary Clinton: But don’t worry. I promise I’m gonna have a very special role for you in my administration. How would you like to be… wait for it, the senator from Vermont?

Bernie Sanders: Ha-ha. Oh Hillary, I’ll miss that lack of charm. 

Hillary Clinton: I’ll miss your deal too. But I have to move on. And that’s why I’ve started pivoting to the general.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. I gotta say I have noticed the pivot. Not a fan of the pivot. Way too early for the pivot.

Hillary Clinton: Why do you keep saying pivot? What is that?

[Bartender comes in]

Bartender: Here are your drinks. And who’s bill should I put this on?

Bernie Sanders: Her’s.

Hillary Clinton: Mine. Well Bernie, no matter what happens, we got to admit we’ve had some good times, you and I.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, it’s true. Remember when I told everyone to stop talking about your damn emails? What a smuck!

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha. I know. That could have taken me down.

Bernie Sanders: I know. I know. I’m so stupid. So stupid.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I do not like humor but that was funny. Oh my god, and remember all those states like, why you made me worried. Where you beat me by a lot but then I still got most of the delegates?

Bernie Sanders: [laughing] Oh my god, that was so stupid. It’s rigged!

Hillary Clinton: I know it’s so rigged.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, my god! [raises his drink] To Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Hillary Clinton: [raising her drink] To Debbie. Whoo!

Bernie Sanders: Listen Hillary, this might be the beer talking but I’ll tell you a secret.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

Bernie Sanders: You know how I constantly rail against the upper class?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: Well, sometimes when I go to sleep at night, I dream about being a fancy millionaire or billionaire.

Hillary Clinton: Really?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. And in my dream, I wear a fancy hat. I say fancy things like, “I’ll have a tuna sandwich on a Kwasa.”

Hillary Clinton: Can I tell you a secret?

Bernie Sanders: Sure.

Hillary Clinton: I’ve never told to anyone this but you know the presidency?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah.

Hillary Clinton: I really, really want it.

[Bernie Sanders looks at Hillary Clinton confused]

Bernie Sanders: You don’t say.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. And you know what else? I don’t really like people. I only talk to them because I want to be the president so bad. Please don’t tell. Don’t tell.

Bernie Sanders: Eee, I think they know.

Hillary Clinton: Oh Bernie, you know, we are mortal enemies but [music playing] I really admire you. So what do you say? Will you dance with me?

Bernie Sanders: Pfft! I- I can’t dance with you.

Hillary Clinton: I’ll give you three super delegates.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, let’s dance. Yeah.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders stand and start dancing]

And I’ll lead.

Hillary Clinton: Never!

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders goes around dancing on SNL stage and to the hallways. Bernie Sanders is dancing like a lady and Hillary Clinton is dancing like a gentleman.]

[They run into Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: Hey Hillary, may I cut in?

Bernie Sanders: Nah! See you Bill.

[Hillary Clinton pushes Bernie Sanders into the elevator as they are dancing on purpose and locks him there.]

[Hillary Clinton is with SNL cast members]

Hillary Clinton: Well that was fun at last.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night

At the Bar

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Ace Chuggins… Larry David

Sheila Sovage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender offering last call at the bar booth]

Bartender: Alright you sad sex, last call. So either hook up now or go home and take care of yourselves.

Ace: Hey bartender, give me a Kentucky Night Cap. That’s a bourbon with tiny old PN floating in.

Sheila: And I’ll take one more vodka chatter please. Might as well, my liver’s losing a jazz to a night by the name of Sir Roses. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Ace: Well, well, well. Looks like there’s one pickled egg still floating around in a vinegar.

Sheila: And? Why don’t you fish me out, lay me down on a plate and see if you can get pass how I look and smell?

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Please, I had stew for dinner that I would like to stay down.

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Sheila: Thank you. Mind if I scoot a little closer pal? The seat I’m on is wet and it is my fault.

Ace: Come on over. As long as you don’t mind the smell of garlic. My D pushed my face into a plate of lasagna earlier.

Sheila: Lasagna, huh? That’s funny. In high school, they called me Garfield coz I hated Mondays and I had a tail.

Ace: Wow! You really know how to make a man confused down there. What’s your name, sweetie?

Sheila: It’s Sheila Sovage. You can remember that coz if you mix up the letters, it almost spells vagastill!

[Cut to Bartender looking disgusted] [Cut to Ace and Sheila]

What’s your handle brother?

Ace: They call me Ace Chuggins.

Sheila: Ace? Get out! I’m wearing one of your bandages right now coz I ran out of underwear. Wow.

Ace: Ah! Sorry, you’re thinking of a different Ace. I work as a before model for teeth whitening ads.

Sheila: Get out! I have teeth for now.

Ace: That’s insanity. You know, I gotta be honest with you. When I first saw you, I thought I’d have to put a paper bag over our heads. Now I’m like, “Yeah! Just put her in a shadow.”

Sheila: Yeah. And you had me at paper bag on my head.

Ace: Wow!

Sheila: Wow!

Ace: We are connecting big time. Quick! What’s your favorite color?

Sheila: Stripes. What’s your favorite smell?

Ace: No fart.

Sheila: Me too. No fart.

Ace: Really?

Sheila: Something is happening here.

Ace: Oh, it is. It is happening.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Yes, called an outbreak. And it’s time for you to take the viruses out of here.

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Sheila: You heard the man? Why don’t we go back to my place to see how many lays are left in the sack. Crumpled old potato chip bag, huh?

Ace: I bet you, I can have just one.

[Sheila pulls her lipstick out and Ace pulls his chapstick out.]

Sheila: Well, looks like we both just bought a ticket to the kiss concert.

Ace: My tongue’s not as long as Jean Simmon’s, but my penis is even shorter.

Sheila: Let’s do this.

[Ace and Sheila start kissing wildly] [Cut to Bartender hiding behind a net]

Bartender: No! No!

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Sheila: Oh!

Ace: Oh!

Sheila: Wow, that was just amazing.

Ace: I think you gave me black balls.

Sheila: Yikes. Looks like this old Alcamino has stalled on the ramp.

Ace: Well, hang on. Maybe we better take it into the shopping, look under the hood. If you know what I mean.

Sheila: [smiles] I think I do.

[Sheila raises Ace’s wig and kisses on his bald head]

Bartender: Oh, boy!

[The End]