Bartender… Beck Bennett
Carlos… Bobby Moynihan[Starts with Dwayne sitting at a bar.]
Bartender: Hey, another round, boss?
Dwayne: Um, yeah, I guess I could do one more.
Bartender: You’ve got it.
Dwayne: Thank you.[Dwayne is looking at a girl at the next table]
Bartender: Looks like she’s alone. You should go talk to her.
Dwayne: Oh, whoa! No no, no, no, no. No way, Jose. I can’t.
Bartender: Why? You married or something?
Dwayne: No, I’m just not good at approaching women. I get so nervous. I always mess it up. I men, my gosh. She’s beautiful, though.
Bartender: I’ll tell you what, I’m the perfect wingman. I’ll go over there and put in a good word for you.
Dwayne: Oh, no man! It’s okay. That’s too embarrassing.
Bartender: Come on! Come on!
Dwayne: No, no, no.
Bartender: Trust me. I got this.[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]
Bartender: Good news, my friend.
Dwayne: What did she say?
Bartender: She’s into it. Yeah. She wants to have a threesome with us.
Dwayne: Hey! Wait, what?
Bartender: I made it happen. She’s into the threesome idea.
Dwayne: Wait, wait. What threesome idea? I don’t even know you.
Bartender: Oh! You don’t know her either. What’s the difference? She wants to hook up.
Dwayne: Okay. Well, tell her I want to hook up with her, but not a threesome.
Bartender: Alright! Alright! Okay. I’ll see what she says.[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]
Bartender: Alright, all cleared up. She’s willing to have sex with us one at a time, but says I get to go first.
Dwayne: What? Why do you keep putting yourself into this?
Bartender: Dude, I’m trying to wing you, man. You said you’re bad with women.
Dwayne: Okay, okay. Look, no offense but I’m only interested if she’s just her and me, not you.
Bartender: Uh, are you sure? That might piss her off.
Dwayne: Yeah, I’m sure. I’m positive.
Bartender: Okay. Your funeral.[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again. It seems like the girl actually likes it better.] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]
Bartender: She’s not into it, man.
Dwayne: Really? Well, she was nodding a lot.
Bartender: Yeah, she said it has to be a threesome or one at a time with me going first and then again right after you.
Dwayne: What? No! No!
Bartender: Okay. Okay. Okay. Let’s see who else is in here.
Dwayne: No, no, no. Just forget it. Go away. No. No.
Bartender: Come on. Dude, hang on. I’m the wingman. I want to hook you up. [another girl walks in to the bar] Whoa, whoa, hang on. The redhead over there. She’s definitely into you.[the girl is looking at Dwayne and smiling]
Dwayne: She is so hot.
Bartender: Say no more. I’ll go over and ask if she wants to do a threesome.
Dwayne: No, no. I don’t want a threesome.
Bartender: Okay. Okay. No threesomes.[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]
Dwayne: What happened?
Bartender: She said she would only sleep with you if her girlfriend could join in too. But I told her you don’t do threesomes.
Dwayne: No, wait! No! No! Dude, go back there and tell them yes.
Bartender: Oh, so now you’re into it?
Dwayne: Yes, I’m into it! It’s two girls. Of course I’m into it.
Bartender: Okay. Okay. Let me wing this.[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]
Bartender: Okay. She said she’ll have a fivesome with us.
Dwayne: What? What’s a fivesome?
Bartender: You know. A five some. You and me, her and her girl and Carlos.
Dwayne: Who is Carlos?[Carlos is standing behind Dwayne]
Dwayne: No, dude. No. Just forget it. Forget about it.
Bartender: Come on. I feel bad. I messed up. Give me one more shot.[Bartender walks to another girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]
Bartender: Okay, she’s into it.
Dwayne: Hey, just me and her?
Bartender: No, her and him.
Bartender: Yeah. You know, what can I say? Wingman strikes again. Ha-ha!