50s Baseball Broadcast

Lyle O’ Riley… Mikey Day

Diz Newsome… Sarah Sherman

Walt… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with commentators in Yankee Stadium, 1951. The video is black and white.]

Lyle O’ Riley: No score as we head into the bottom of the 3rd Yankees White Sox. Lyle O’ Riley for WNYC radio alongside Hall of Famer Diz Newsome.

Diz Newsome: Gorgeous day for all ballgame.

Lyle O’ Riley: It is. Before we get back to the action on the field, let’s go to Walt Hall for a word from our sponsors. Walt?

Walt: WNYX Yankees coverage is brought to you by Shmack Men’s department store. Hey, where’d you get that Blaine brown suit and plain brown hat? Why? Shmack Men’s of course. Now back to the ballgame.

Lyle O’ Riley: Thank you. Walt. Diz, glad you made it in today. I understand you were feeling a little under the weather this morning.

Diz Newsome: Oh, yeah. Stuffy head, sore throat, the works. So luckily my doctor prescribed me this new cold medicine called methamphetamine. Yeah. It just knocked my cold right out.

Lyle O’ Riley: Well, glad you’re feeling better.

Diz Newsome: Oh, I’m excited. I’m feeling chatty. Like I could talk about everything forever.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right, well, this methamphetamine medicine did the trick. And Gene Wendling comes to the plate. 15 for 25 this season against lefty pitches.

Diz Newsome: I mean not bad for an alcoholic.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right. Don’t say that, Diz.

Diz Newsome: Hey, you see now Wood Ling’s wife. Mama Mia. Okay. 22 years old. The tush on that woman like soldiers hair cut, high and tight.

Lyle O’ Riley: Alright, let’s not talk about another man’s wife like that, Diz. And here’s the pitch.

Diz Newsome: And it’s out of here.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, except it’s not. Pop fly directly over home plate.

Diz Newsome: You know what? I’m gonna take another cold pill so I don’t get stuffy.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay, sounds good Diz. Jolting Joe DiMaggio is headed to the plate. Or should I say Mr. Marilyn Monroe.

Diz Newsome: How the hell did Joe DiMaggio, the ugliest son of a bitch in baseball snag that bra?

Lyle O’ Riley: Alright, watch the language, Diz.

Diz Newsome: I mean, you know he’s Italian, right?

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay.

Diz Newsome: Italians aren’t even white.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay. Please don’t say that, Diz. And here’s the pitch. Lne drawn past third.

Diz Newsome: And it’s out of here.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, it’s not. It is not. But DiMaggio easily makes it to first.

Diz Newsome: Ah, yeah. Question. How much money would you pay to sniff Marilyn Monroe’s bedsheet?

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay. I’m not going to answer that because that is inappropriate.

Diz Newsome: Oh, no, it’s not. Inappropriate would be something like “How do you fit for hookers on one chair? You turn it upside down.”

Lyle O’ Riley: Oh my god. No Diz. How about a sponsor ID, Walt?

Walt: Today’s coverage is brought to you by Micha the businessman Scotch.

Lyle O’ Riley: Thank you, Walt. One out. Runner on first and rookie Mickey Mantle is coming to the plate.

Diz Newsome: Another boo sound.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right. A lot of folks are saying this kid’s power reminds them of a young Babe Ruth.

Diz Newsome: I mean, yeah, the story about Babe Ruth in Cleveland, right? [phone ringing] [oh phone] Hah? Of course. [hangs up the phone] Well, the station manager told me not to tell the story about Babe Ruth. It’s real shame because it’s wanted.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay, maybe lay off that cold medicine, Diz. Mantle squaring up at the plate.

Diz Newsome: Hah! What the hell, right? Okay, so, Ruth’s down the road in Cleveland.

Lyle O’ Riley: Pitch is low by one.

Diz Newsome: I mean, it’s about midnight after the game. Babe is drunk as a skunk, looking for what else? Horse and hotdogs.

Lyle O’ Riley: Please stop and right winds up.

Diz Newsome: Okay, so nothing’s open and Babe is starving.

Lyle O’ Riley: The pitch ball two.

Diz Newsome: So he sees this little street kid about 10 years old and Babe Ruth, he ate him.

Lyle O’ Riley: No. No. He did not.

Diz Newsome: Babe Ruth was so hungry that he ate a child alive.

Lyle O’ Riley: No. He did not. And is ball three.

Diz Newsome: He did.

Lyle O’ Riley: He did not.

Diz Newsome: He did. Clothes and all.

Lyle O’ Riley: Babe Ruth was famously kind to children. 3-0 is the count.

Diz Newsome: Well, he ate one.

Lyle O’ Riley: No.

Diz Newsome: Hey, if you’re listening to this and you’re in your car, and you’re stuck in traffic, I have an idea. Just gun it.

Lyle O’ Riley: Don’t do that.

Diz Newsome: Slam the gas and see what happens.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, he’s joking. Don’t do that.

Diz Newsome: I’m not.

Lyle O’ Riley: Ball four, bases loaded.

Diz Newsome: You know, I have some observations on different races.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, no, no. Let’s hear from our sponsor.

Walt: I kind of want to hear this.

Weekend Update- Leslie Jones on Baseball

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

George Springer

Jose Altuve

Alex Bregman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the Houston Astros won the world series in an epic matchup with the Dodgers. Here to talk about it is new baseball fan, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in] [cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, Leslie? I didn’t know you were such a big Yankees fan.

Leslie Jones: Yes, I am, you bountiful snowman. For all the wrong reasons. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Okay? I love to see those fine men in their tight little pin stripe pants. You should hear me at the game. Hey, Gary Sanchez, when you going to come hit this [pointing at herself] out the park? Hey, Gregorius, you can round my bases any time because you are greg-gorgeous. I am a die hard fan, Colin. Look at this pic of me at this game. [Cut to a picture of an on-going baseball game] yeah. There is Gary Sanchez at bat, and there is me looking at that ass. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Call me, Gary. That net can’t keep us apart. not for long.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you must have been pretty upset then when Yankees lost in the ALCS to the Astros.

Leslie Jones: Urgh! Colin! We was so close. One game away from the world series. Colin, have you ever gotten so close to something only to have it taken from you?

Colin Jost: Um, I don’t know.

Leslie Jones: Yeah, that’s coz you white. You get every damn thing. [Cut to Leslie Jones] But I was mad as hell. Okay? That little Altuve hit all those home runs against us. The bat is bigger than him. And the MVP George Springer, he is Panamian and Puerto Rico. His name is George Springer. Come on, man! That’s the name of a goofy mattress salesman.

[George Springer, Jose Altuve and Alex Bregman walk in from the behind] [Cheers and applause]

George Springer: Excuse me, how is that? What was that? Y’all let me know.

Colin Jost: George Springer, Jose Altuve and Alex Bregman.

Leslie Jones: Whooo! Class the pearl.

George Springer: Well, since we already know that you don’t actually watch baseball, we would really like to give you a gift today.

Leslie Jones: Umm, okay. You can give me anything you want.

Alex Bregman: This is an Astros swag so you can hop on the bang wagon too.

[Alex Bregman gives Leslie Jones Astros jersey.]

Leslie Jones: Oh, whatever. Oh, this is so–

Jose Altuve: [passing Leslie Jones a baseball] How do you like it?

Leslie Jones: Oh, I like balls. [George Springer gives Leslie Jones a baseball cap] I love it. I love it.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s funny coz actually Leslie was–

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Shut up, Colin. I know what I said, but these men are fine as hell. I take it all back. Oh, congratulations, you guys. I loved watching you all win.

[cheers and applause]

I thought it was so sweet that Correa proposed to his girlfriend after the game. I mean, it’s so romantic. [looks at Jose Altuve] It looks like this dude is on one knee right now.

George Springer: It’s not Jose’s fault he’s short.

Leslie Jones: Oh, that’s okay. Come here, baby, let me tell you something. [Leslie Jones takes a seat and Jose Altuve sits on Leslie Jones’s laps.] Yeah! Whoo! Now, this is not something I usually say at all, I mean never, but good things do come in small packages.

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones and world champions Houston Astros. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.