Weekend Update- Trump Claims Constitution Should Be Terminated, Brittney Griner Freed

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, it was shaping up to be a good week for Joe Biden. He got Brittney Griner back. He kept marriage gay. And he’s only got he’s only got 14 More sleeps until Santa. But then just when he thought he had it all under control, Kiersten Sinema said “Hold my wig.”

[picture changes to Kiersten Sinema]

Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema seen here realizing that someone is actually waving to the person behind her, announced that she’s leaving the Democratic Party and is registering as an independent. Explained Sinema, “Pay attention to me.”

[Picture changes to Britney Griner]

WNBA star Brittney Griner was freed from prison in exchange for Russian arms dealer Victor Boot. It’s actually a great trade because Boot was only averaging five points and two rebounds a game.

[Cut to Michael Che. are pictures of Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Raphael Warnock defeated Herschel Walker in Georgia Senate run off race. But I don’t think this is the last you’ll hear from Herschel Walker. I mean, unless he’s your biological father. With Raphael Warnock’s win, Democrats in the Senate will no longer have to rely on vice president Harris for tie breaking votes. Harris can now focus on her main priority – [picture changes to Joe Biden falling from bicycle] waiting for a worst bike accident.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a woman at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Supreme Court heard a case this week over whether a conservative evangelical woman can refuse to design a website for a same sex marriage. But honey, I don’t know any gay couple who’s going to hire a designer with those highlights?

Michael Che: Honey?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I apologize. [picture changes to Samuel Alito] During oral arguments in the case Justice Samuel Alito raised the hypothetical. -Could a black department store Santa be forced to take a picture with a child dressed in a Klan robe? Alito added that he’d love an answer before he takes his grandkids to the mall next week.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the termination of the Constitution. Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are picture of Morocco and Portugal flags at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I don’t think I saw it today, Morocco beat Portugal in the quarterfinals of the World Cup. Yeah, it’s the best World Cup performance by a team of Africans since the unpaid workers who built the stadiums. I didn’t do it.

Portugal’s Head Coach decided not to start soccer legend Cristiano Ronaldo in today’s loss. Even more insulting, at halftime he tried to trade Ronaldo for Brittney Griner. But the biggest upsets so far in the World Cup was their favorite Brazil was eliminated, except for a tiny strip down the middle.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrie Irving at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Nike has officially cut ties with Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving over his anti semitism scandal. Kyrie says he’s so depressed he might jump off the edge of the world.

Today, today was the Santacon bar crawl in New York City. Yeah, the annual reminder that while Santa may exist, God doesn’t.

Weekend Update- Jose Suarez on His Goal to Be the First Latino-American President

Colin Jost

Jose Suarez… Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Exit polls from this year’s midterms show that Latinos were a larger share of the electorate than ever before. Here to tell us why he was inspired to one day run for President is Jose Suarez.

[Cheers and applause]

Jose Suarez: Thank you. Buenos noches, Colin. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Jose. So do you think of yourself as a Republican or a Democrat?

Jose Suarez: I’m, uh, just happy to be here, Colin. Everybody complaining all the time about everything. Guess what? It’s fine. Everything is basically fine. And that’s going to be my campaign slogan. “Jose Suarez – everything is basically fine. So relax, okay? It’s fine.”

Colin Jost: Wow, well, that is a refreshing outlook.

Jose Suarez: Yes, exactly, Colin. What do people complain about anyway? “My gas is too expensive.” News flash ever heard of legs? My mother walked almost 100 miles to work every day, and her left leg didn’t work. She had to pull it.

Colin Jost: That doesn’t make any sense.

Jose Suarez: And inflation, Colin. Everybody complain inflation is so bad. The price of milk is too high. How about just don’t drink milk? Who’s even complaining about the price of milk? The babies? Do you drink milk, Colin?

Colin Jost: I mean, maybe just a warm glass before bed.

[Jose Suarez makes his disgusted face]

Jose Suarez: And the WiFi, Colin. Everybody complain, “Ooh, the WiFi, it’s too slow. The WiFi. My poor, little WiFi.”

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s a major complaint.

Jose Suarez: Growing up in Cuba, Colin, there was no WiFi. It was only “Why (Wi of Wi-Fi).” “W is it so hot?” “Why did the power go out?” “Why is the president taking all our stuff?” Colin, if you want something in America, you press a button on your phone and Jeff Bezos send it to your house. What are we complaining about?

Colin Jost: Can we go back a second? You were born in Cuba? Well, then, you can’t run for president, right?

Jose Suarez: I don’t think anybody really gonna care about that, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure they are, but let’s just talk about some of your positions. Like, what are your thoughts on Roe v. Wade?

Jose Suarez: Well, I say Roe (row) if you can, but if you don’t have a boat, you’re gonna have to wait (Wade). I’m just kidding, Colin. I’m just kidding. All I know is, if I am the president, every mother gonna get one chancleta.

Colin Jost: And what is a chancleta, Jose?

Jose Suarez: [mocking] “And what is a chancleta, Jose?” It’s a sandal, Colin.

Colin Jost: And what is a mother going to do with one sandal?

Jose Suarez: You never know. That’s the scary part. Sometimes they don’t even have to use it. They just show it, send a message, and then put it away. “What did you say to me? That’s what I thought.”

Colin Jost: Alright. Chancleta. I will remember that. My one year old has been acting up. So, Jose, what is your final message to the American people?

Jose Suarez: That we should all be grateful, Colin. This is a great country and I think we need to remember how lucky we really are.

Colin Jost: That’s true. Although, it does seem like you’re kind of ignoring some pretty real problems in the country.

Jose Suarez: [showing his sandal] What did you say to me, Colin?

Colin Jost: [laughing] No, nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Jose Suarez: That’s what I thought.

Colin Jost: Jose Suarez, everyone.

Jose Suarez: Vote Jose! God bless Miami.