Beat the Bookworm

Bookworm… Aziz Ansari

Keaton Seasons… Mikey Day

Cindy… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Female voice: Now back to ‘Beat the Bookworm’, only on Game Show Network.

[Cut to Bookworm in a library]

Bookworm: Can you beat me in the game of wiz?

Male voice: Declared a genius at birth, he spent his life in pursuit of knowledge.

Bookworm: While you were watching TV, I was reading thousands of books. I know all.

Male voice: Can you ‘Beat the Bookworm’?

[Cut to Keaton Seasons and Cindy at the game stage]

Keaton Seasons: Alright, welcome to ‘Beat the Bookworm’. I’m Keaton Seasons and I am joined by Cindy, a–

Cindy: Unemployed.

Keaton Seasons: From Phoenix, who just as we ran out of time yesterday won over $32,000, and a chance to go head to head with the bookworm.

[The wall rotates and there’s Bookworm sitting there.]

Bookworm: Hello, idiots.

Keaton Seasons: Bookworm, any words for Cindy before we play?

Bookworm: Um, yes, I will win.

Keaton Seasons: Ha-ha. Oh-oh, you hear that Cindy?

Cindy: I’m not scared. I’m gonna beat that damn bookworm.

Keaton Seasons: Don’t say ‘damn’, please. Now, let’s play. You know how it works, Cindy. You and the bookworm will answer a series of questions from a category of your choice. If you score higher than the bookworm, you’ll leave here with $1 million. But if you don’t–

Bookworm: You’ll leave here with what you are, nothing.

Keaton Seasons: Cindy, will the bookworm be answering questions about Shakespeare’s Comedies?

Bookworm: Oh, the Bard of Avon. I am partially Parkish as I may be, the bookworm does love that category.

Keaton Seasons: The space Race.

Bookworm: Um, who would be the first to touch the cosmos? The Starjen Shives or the Hamaran Sikil? Pick this category and USSR going to lose.

Keaton Seasons: ’90s Pop Culture.

Bookworm: Noooo!

Keaton Seasons: Alright, Cindy, which category do you think will beat the bookworm.

Cindy: Um, I’m leaning towards ’90s Pop Culture because of that long “Noooo!” Then again, I did study Shakespeare in college.

Bookworm: Um, so? Shakespeare it is.

Cindy: But then again, I am a ’90s kid, so let’s go with ’90s Pop Culture.

Bookworm: Noooo! I don’t know any of that stuff. I spent the ’90s reading books.

Keaton Seasons: Let’s play. Beat the Bookworm. [Bookworm looks nervous] Bookworm, your time begins now. Name the Super Bother’s Mario and–

Bookworm: Kevin?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: MC Hammer was too legit to–

Bookworm: Drive?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Terminator 2 lined all be–

Bookworm: Back in the Jeff?

[wrong answer buzzer]

None of this was in my books.

Keaton Seasons: Finish the TLC lyric, don’t go chasing–

Bookworm: Dogs.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Forest Gump said, “Life is like a box of–”

Bookworm: Condoms?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! I’m gonna lose.

Keaton Seasons: Michael Jackson was king of–

Bookworm: The Jews.

Keaton Seasons: No, that was Jesus Christ. Last question, name the science guy–

Bookworm: Ah, yes! I know them all.

Keaton Seasons: –who hosted a kid’s TV show.

Bookworm: Who is that? He is not a real scientist!

[Time up buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Out of time! Wow! Cindy, a lucky break in the form of an absolute cratering on behalf of the bookworm. How do you feel?

Cindy: Damn good.

Keaton Seasons: You said ‘damn’ again. Coming up, Cindy goes for the million and bookworm, since you scored zero, you gotta wear the dum-dum hat.

Bookworm: Not the dum-dum hat! Please!

[Keaton Seasons puts a cone hat with ‘Dum-Dum’ written on Bookworm]

Keaton Seasons: We’ll be right back.