Weekend Update Drunk Tom Brady on Super Bowl LV

Michael Che

Tom Brady… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael che in his set]

Michael che: This week the Tampa Bay Buccaneers beat the Kansas city Chiefs and became Super Bowl champions. Tom Brady won his 7th Super Bowl and took on his fifth Super Bowl MVP award. Needless to say he’s been having a good time celebrating. Here to comment is drunk Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady slides in]

Tom Brady: Brady! Brady! Brady! What’s up, Michael? Seven Super Bowl. What? That’s insane.

Michael che: Wow, you seem to be having a good time. This is a new side of Tom Brady.

Tom Brady: Dud! It’s coz I’ve been Tampin out. I’m a Florida, baby. Yeah. They got boat parades in water and sunshine and girls wearing these little bikinis. I’m not stuck in a freezer cold in Boston with the pilgrims and old man Belichick. Hear that, Bill? You’re not my dad anymore.

Michael che: You alright, Tom?

Tom Brady: Oh yeah, man. Life’s good. I’m my own man now. I’m free to go day drinking on my new boat and toss the lombardi trophy around without a care in the world.

Michael che: Yeah. I saw you throwing the Super Bowl trophy from one boat to another.

Tom Brady: Oh, yeah. That was awesome. I’ve been bringing this bad boy around me pretty much everywhere. [pulls out the trophy. The trophy is worn and torn.] Yeah, this is a little banged up but she still works. [opens a beer bottle with the trophy] Like that. Oops. Ha-ha-ha. It works so it cracked it right open. This stuff is good. I’m finally going around with thsi stuff.

Michael che: There may be some glass in there.

Tom Brady: Yeah, maybe. If you were surprised I would toss this bad boy around, but the trophy has got a football on it. And I’m a quarterback. So, it makes sense. Ha-ha. What else am I going to do? Punt it?

Michael che: Yeah. I don’t know bout that.

Tom Brady: Another trophy.

Michael che: Are you alright, Tom?

Tom Brady: I don’t know. I just won the Super Bowl. Probably going to win another one next year too. My problem is nobody likes me.

Michael che: No. Tom, man.

Tom Brady: I don’t know what I did so wrong. All I did was go out and win Super Bowl. I keep thinking that maybe one more trophy and people are gonna like me. No. Don’t talk about the wins. They just talk about how I kiss my son.

Michael che: Hey, look man, I get it. You know. You’ve had a lot of haters but don’t let them bring you down.

Tom Brady: Dude, I’m messing with you, Che. Ha-ha-ha. I don’t care. People can say whatever they want. I’m the best damn quarterback ever. I feel great. My wife is just Gisele. I only feel good.

Michael che: Drunk Tom Brady, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Second Impeachment Trial Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Bruce Castor… Mikey Day

Michael Van Der Veen… Pete Davidson

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight show intro] [Cut to Tucker Carlson in his set] [cheers and applause]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening. Welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight. I’m your host and human white claw, Tucker Carlson. There’s a lot to cover tonight including impeachment. So, in place of my usual monologue, here’s a loose collection of scaremongering non sequiturs.

Is AOC hiding in your house right now? Wouldn’t put it past her.

Pronounce for dogs? Come on! Everybody knows they’re boys.

Pixar, is it making our kids depressed or gay? Pick one!

Well, the impeachment has reached it’s foregoing conclusion with the requital of Donald J. Trump. And tonight’s first guest is a power player in those hearings, please welcome 65 year old teacher’s pet, senator Lindsey Graham.

Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Tucker. It’s a great day for 30% of America and tonight, we party.

Tucker Carlson: Wow. Well Lindsey, you’re obviously very happy bout the verdict.

Lindsey Graham: Look Tucker, this trial was offensive and absurd, like a freaking episode of Rick and Morty. Excuse my foul language. But we all agree of the attack at the Capitol was a horrible thing but just because the rioters were yelling “Fight for Trump” doesn’t mean they meant Donald Trump. Could have been some real Tiffany heads. Maybe even some Eric-stans. I don’t know. But regardless, the trial is over and now we can move pass this and focus on the serious issues as locking up Hillary and freeing beautiful Britney Spears.

Tucker Carlson: That’s a great point, Lindsey. It really makes me want to contort my face like I’m thinking.

Lindsey Graham: I just don’t understand why everyone insists on taking Donald Trump down. He is smart. He is nice. He’s in shape. Last fall, he died of covid and didn’t even tell nobody. And now, everybody’s saying he attempted a coo. He didn’t attempt a coo. He is coo. He’s the coo-lest guy I know.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. Maybe the coo-est guy ever?

Lindsey Graham: Look, the important thing is the good guys won again and we couldn’t have done it without this bastard, Get in here, Ted Cruz.

Tucker Carlson: Wow, senator Cruz. Welcome to the show.

Ted Cruz: Well thanks, Tucker. [There’s a label below Aidy Bryant that says – Sen. Ted Cruz – Trump said “Wife Ugly”] Wait, whats does it say below me? Oh yeah, that’s what Trump said about my wife. I think she is beautiful but since Trump is the boss, sorry honey, you’re busted.

Tucker Carlson: Just in time for valentine’s day. And can I say, the beard is working.

Ted Cruz: Well, you’d be the first.

Tucker Carlson: Now, Mr. Trump’s defense team got off to a pretty rough start earlier in the week. Can you tell me how you pull this out? And while you talk, I’m going to have a look on my face like a baby like he’s seeing his first balloon.

Ted Cruz: Well, thanks for the question. Like any impartial juror, we took it upon ourselves to meet with the defense lawyers, to give them some very simple legal advice. “Stop and don’t”.

Lindsey Graham: But overall, Ted and I are proud of Trump’s lawyers who are both partners at the law firm of Salino and Yaks.

Ted Cruz: Damn right. Thanks, Tucker.

Tucker Carlson: Thank you, gentlemen. While we’re on the subject of the Trump defense team, let’s take another look at some of the arguments from earlier.

[Cut to Bruce Castor]

Bruce Castor: Hello, senate and other serious people. I want to apologize for being unprepared last time. I was out here wife-butt-decaf. But I’ll promise I’ll make it up to you now. As you all know, I am the lead prosecutor. Nope, sorry. I’m the council. I know of the difference. But as Trump’s meaning– Nope, not right either. Bride’s maid– Nope, sorry. I need a second. Let’s hear it from the prosecution. Wowser, am I right? You all rule. Crushed it. Well, that’s my time.

[Bruce Castor storms out and Michael Van Der Veen walks in]

Michael Van Der Veen: Alright. I’ll take it from here. My name is Mr. Van Der Veen. That’s Dutch for “Man of the penis”. So, I’ve heard it all. First off, let me say that I do not want to be here. I am not like you. I’m not from Warshington. I’m a Philly boy. And I said that uver and uver (over and over). And this is the wort thing that’s been in the senate chamber in the history of a couple of weeks. Too many crickets. And now the house wants to bring up witnesses over Zoom? Zoom? I can’t afford to Zoom. You think I’m getting paid for this? And this is supposed to be on my last day. I already bought a non-refundable train ticket back home to Phillyvania Pennsyldelphia. But if they insist on witnesses, I’m going to call some of my own. Like, vice-president Kalua Harris, Anya Presly and Elon Omana. Now, did I mispronounce the names of all these women of color on purpose or out of ignorance? You’ll never know. But if you think Donald Trump saying the word ‘fight’ is a crime, I invite you to look at this tape. [cut to video clips of many political personalities and movie dialogs saying ‘fight’] Well said, Jar-Jar, me-so-rest my case.

Tucker Carlson: We now go to our final guest tonight. Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell.

Mitch McConnell: Hello, Tucker.

Tucker Carlson: Now, senator McConnell, why did you vote to acquit Donald Trump?

Mitch McConnell: Because everyone knows you cannot impeach a former president. That’s why we should have impeached him before back when I said we could.

Tucker Carlson: Well, that logic pretzels out but what do you really think of Trump?

Mitch McConnell: I think he’s guilty as hell and the worst president I ever met and I hope every city, county and state locks his ass up. Oh, god. That felt good. I’ve been holding that inside my neck for four years. I got cracker crumbs in here.

Tucker Carlson: Wow. So, what’s next?

Mitch McConnell: I don’t know about my colleagues, but I plan to reach my hand across the isle and then yank it back and slide across my hair and say, “Too slow.”

Tucker Carlson: That’s beautiful. Thanks for coming, senator. We will be back right after this ad for senior emergency buttons, but first, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Super Bowl Pregame Show Cold Open

James Brown… Kenan Thompson

Boomer Esiason… Beck Bennett

Bill Cowher… Alex Moffat

Nate Burleson… Chris Redd

Phil Simms… Mikey Day

Andy Reid, Bruce Arians. … Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Super Bowl 55 pregame show on CBS.

[Cut to James Brown in his set.]

James Brown: Hello and welcome to the Super Bowl, four hours of television for 11 minutes of action. I am James “no, not that one” Brown. And joining me as always are Boomer Esiason.

Boomer Esiason: Excited to be here.

James Brown: Coach Bill Cowher..

Bill Cowher: Hey!

James Brown: Former wide out, Nate Burleson.

Nate Burleson: Okay.

James Brown: And the great, Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Do we need this many hosts?

James Brown: As everyone at home knows this year has been anything but normal. The pandemic, racial and political divisions, army hammer. But today, we come together in a spirit of unity to watch football. And murdered billions of chickens for their delicious wings.

Boomer Esiason: [eating chicken at the set] I’ll wing to that. Ha-ha-ha.

James Brown: Right. That is right. The league also dealt with so many covid restrictions this year but with hard work and vigilance, we were able to get through the season with only 700 cases. Hurray us! But again, today is all about positivity.

Bill Cowher: Well, except in terms of test results, the NFL is incredibly careful. If you test positive, they will ask you to cover your mouth with a play chart.

Nate Burleson: And you know who stood in the covid restrictions more than anyone this week is Tampa Bay’s famous prostitutes.

Phil Simms: Dude?

James Brown: Today again, is about inclusivity and we’re offering a variety of viewing experiences. Earlier we showed highlights with a new Nickelodeon twist. [Cut to football game. There’s a lot of visual effects of green gooey liquid being sprayed at the players.] Including a few gruesome injuries. [cut to a player bleeding green.] [cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: The game is also being simulcast on the Bravo network where it’s hosted by Andy Coen and instead of the Super Bowl, [cut to Bravo channel’s display of Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes] it’s called “Old Hag versus Young Slut.”

[cut back to the host set]

Nate Burleson: That’s right. That’s right. And if the Puppy Bowl isn’t your thing, flip over to the Hallmark channel for the original movie “The Woman Who Married Her Cat.”

Boomer Esiason: And this is interesting. The cat turns out to be Santa’s son.

Bill Cowher: Wow. Very cool, Boom. Now, this year, we want all viewers to feel welcome, appreciated and seen.

Phil Simms: And to reflect the importance of this moment in history you’ll see in passion commercials, this one almost brought me to tears.

[cut to an old video clips of black people’s achievements.]

Female voice: In these times, what you stand for matters more than ever. We’ve learned once again that freedom isn’t free. But we must always strive for equality. And we must always reach for [cut to Cheeze-Its commercial] Cheeze-Its. Cheeze-It’s, historically delicious. Cheeze-Its, historically delicious.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Wow, truly inspiring.

Nate Burleson: What the hell?

James Brown: That was a commercial for Cheeze-Its?

Boomer Esiason: Really makes you think.

Bill Cowher: Right bro. But look, don’t worry. Hah! To balance off the so called ‘progressive ads’, we’re also airing some with the more conservative ads like this one.

[cut to the ad. A pizza delivery buy is ringing the door bell.]

Male voice: At Papa John’s, we know you want real ingredient. No additives, no preservatives and no child sex trafficking in the basement. Sorry democrats, you’ll have to get your child sex pizza over at Hillary’s Pizzeria. Papa John’s. It’s A-OK. Stop by with your Q-Pon today.

[cut back to the host set]

James Brown: Wait! That’s a pizza ad?

Boomer Esiason: Really makes you think.

Phil Simms: But some of the most prominent advertisers are skipping out this year and are instead directing out the money and attention to the ongoing vaccine effort.

James Brown: That’s right. Take a look at how Budweiser adapted this classic Super Bowl ad to help inform the public.

[cut to the ad. The horses are playing football, but there’s a syringe placed on the football. The syringe flies and needles an elderly lady.]

Male voice: It’s good! Better get the second dose of cold, refreshing Bud-light.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Okay, I think that could be misleading.

Bill Cowher: Yeah. But remember, there’s another side to everything and anti-vaxxers drink beer too, that’s why Budweiser also released this ad.

[cut to the ad. There are two frogs talking.]

Frog: Don’t trust Pfizer.

[cut back to the host set]

Phil Simms: Well, I guess it’s nice to hear both sides of the issue via frogs.

Boomer Esiason: I love frogs. They’re like turtles without shells.

James Brown: And speaking of both sides, let’s talk to both of these incredible coaches about how they’re preparing for big game. Joining us first is chief’s coach, Andy Reid.

Andy Reid: Hey there, Jim. Appreciate you have me.

James Brown: Alright coach, how do you win this game?

Andy Reid: Well, we’re going to pass it and then we’re going to run it, and when they have the ball, we’re going to stop it.

Bill Cowher: Thanks so much for that coach Reid. Fascinating stuff.

James Brown: And now, let’s check in on the other side line with Tampa based coach, Bruce Arians.

Bruce Arians: Hey there, guys. Thanks for having me.

James Brown: Yes. You just heard coach Reid’s plan. How do you match up against that?

Bruce Arians: Well, we’re going to run it first, then pass it, and then when they have the ball, we’re going to try to take the ball back.

James Brown: Phenomenal insight. I’m glad we checked in

Nate Burleson: Oh, but I want to hear what coach Reid thought about what Arians just said.

Andy Reid: You do?

Nate Burleson: Yeah.

Andy Reid: Okay. Well then, just ask real slow.

Nate Burleson: Hey coach Reid, what do you think about what coach Arians just said?

Andy Reid: Great. Really good.

James Brown: Alright. Well, thanks to both coaches. Guys, final predictions for what we’re going to see today.

Bill Cowher: Okay, JB, I predict that at the end of the game covid will address the Florida crowd and thank them for an incredible opportunity.

Nate Burleson: I predict that Cardi B will do a disturbing  commercial called “Wet Ass Pepsi”

Phil Simms: Well, last year, Planters killed off Mr. Peanut. This year, I predict that Kia Hamsters do a murder suicide.

Boomer Esiason: And I predict that the green M&M will finally go full porn.

James Brown: Well, sounds like we got a lot to look forward to. Happy Super Bowl everybody. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Super Bowl Pod

Heidi Gardner

Shel… Kyle Mooney

Brandon… Dan Levy

Dale… Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

PSY… Bowen Yang

[Starts with five friends getting ready to watch football in home. They’re all wearing masks.]

Heidi: It’s so good to see everyone.

Shel: I can’t believe we’re having a Super Bowl party.

Brandon: I know. Is this okay? Like, should we be doing this?

Dale: Well, I’ve been super safe.

Chris: Same here.

Shel: Me too.

Dale: So then, masks off?

[they all take their masks off]

Brandon: God, I feel so free.

Shel: We’ve all been so good. We deserve this.

Dale: Totally. We have. And full disclosure, not a big deal, Angie and I went to PF chains for her birthday. We ate outdoors. Relax.

Shel: That’s cool.

Brandon: You’re fine.

Chris: Man, I’ve been crazy with this covid stuff. I haven’t left my house at all. I mean, I have been to the grocery store and the laundromat.

Brandon: Yeah, of course. Food, clothes.

Chris: And obviously I’m still doing my wrestling club, so…

Dale: Yeah. But that’s just a group of what? 20-30 really nice guys?

Shel: Wrestling a few nights guys, dude, you’re good.

Heidi: Yeah. I mean, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Exactly. I haven’t hung out with anyone outside of my pod in almost a year.

Brandon: Oh my gosh, I feel you. I’m on quarantine burnout.

Dale: Yeah. It’s just me, my wife, my brother… his wife, obviously their neighbor, his brother, my grandparents and their nursing home. Oh, and I go into work.

Brandon: Sorry. What is it that you do again?

Dale: I’m a mouth masseuse. I massage mouths.

Shel: Oh, that’s fine. I mean, you’re not kissing them, right?

Dale: Just hello and goodbye. And sometimes while I massage them.

Brandon: Yeah, but that’s work. We are doing everything right.

Heidi: Yeah. I don’t understand how people are still getting sick.

Chris: Well see, the problem is they’re going out and doing normal activities like seeing friends and stuff.

All: So stupid.

Brandon: So disgusting. What about you, Shel? Single guy over there? You look lonely and depressed.

Shel: Absolutely. Of course, now it’s all about zoom dating. For me, it’s just too awkward. So, I’ve been having raw dog sex with the strangers in the park.

Heidi: Outside with air, you’re fine.

Brandon: Yeah. For me, it’s just been Netflix, Netflix and more Netflix.

Chris: What have you been watching?

Brandon: Oh, no. For meetings, I’m flying all over LA, London, Brazil.

Shel: Well, you got the vaccine, didn’t you?

Brandon: Oh, yeah. Actually, I’ve got it. I’ve got it right here. [showing the vaccine in it’s small container]

Heidi: Are you gonna take it?

Brandon: Yeah. I mean, I take it everywhere I go.

Shel: Great thinking, Brandon.

Chris: Hey, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Who’s hungry for my famous chilly? [everybody get excited] Because of covid, I don’t want to share utensils.

Brandon: Totally. Let’s be smart. Actually, I have some– Let’s just do this.

[Brandon sprays sanitizer on everyone’s hands. Then they all start eating with their hands sharing the food bowl.]

Heidi: Oh, look who became a chef. Yeah. I went viral on TikTok.

Chris: What? For dancing?

Heidi: No. For fit non-pudding.

Dale: Oh, TikTok. All the little videos.

Heidi: Dale. Did you spice this chilly?

Dale: Yeah, of course. It’s my famous chilly.

Heidi: Because I can’t really taste it.

Brandon: I can’t really smell it either.

Chris: Do you guys think that–

Shel: No. Dude, we’ve been doing everything right.

Heidi: We need a hug.

All: Yeah.

Dale: Hey, remember hug?

[they all hug each other.] [the lights turn dark. Anthony Fauci walks in front of them at the spot light.]

Anthony Fauci: Hi, I’m Dr. Fauci. Right now you’re probably feeling like most Americans. Bored, horny and borderline nuts. I know I am. But what you just saw is the wrong way to Super Bowl. That’s why I partnered with Cheetos and durex condoms to remind you to Super Bowl responsibly. At home, in a mask, lights off, no friends.  #ThisIsHowWeSuperBowl. [PSY walks in] And to help spread my messages, my good friend Kpop superstar PSY.

PSY: Covid Super Bowl

[starts singing like his song “Gangnam Style]

Co-co-co-co-covid Super Bowl

Hot Damn

Beck Bennett

Dan Levy

Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with people walking out of a restaurant]

Beck: Are you serious? It’s the super bowl and your TV is broken?

Waiter: Yeah. I just got off with the owner. He’s coming down with another flat screen right now.

Waitress: I told Lee to buy a new TV.

Ego: How long is it gonna be? I have 500 bucks on this game.

Waitress: Guys, it’ll be back on before the second half.

Kenan: So what? We’re gonna be sitting here in silence until he shows up with a new TV?

Waitress: Well, I mean we could, I don’t know–

Waiter: I guess we could sing football songs.

Waitress: Oh. That’s a cute idea. We can sing football songs.

Waiter: Yeah. Everyone loves football songs.

Beck: What are football songs? Give me an example.

Waiter: Well, “Hot Damn” is one.

Alex: “Hot Damn” is one what?

Waitress: A football song. They played every Super Bowl. You will know it.

Ego: Wait, are you thinking of [humming] da-da-da-da-da?

Waiter: No. I’m not thinking about that. Why would I be thinking about that one? I said I was thinking of “Hot Damn”.

Beck: Well, I have never heard of it.

Waitress: Yeah. You have though. It goes something like00

[singing] Hot damn, I want to score the winning goal
Waiter: You will, you will put through the football hole

Waiter and Waitress: It’s a foot, it’s a ball, we just won,
Oh my god, hot damn!

Kenan: Okay.

Waiter: So, you do remember?

Kenan: No. I do not. I remember what you just did. And I will remember that for a while. But I do not remember it as a song.

Ego: And what is a football hole?

Waitress: I don’t know. It’s a song.

Waiter: I’m sorry if we’re not entertaining you enough.

Waitress: Yeah. I guess we could all just look at porn on our phones.

[Alex is reaching out for his phone.]

Beck: No, sorry. You’re right. [Alex stops himself] It was good.

Waitress: Well, that’s not even the whole thing.

Waiter: I know. It’s like, a fraction of a larger song.

Ego: Got it.

Waitress: I mean, if you’re literally begging us to sing it–

Alex: Uh, we’re not.

Waitress: Hot damn, you’re a chief and I’m a buc

Waiter: Not friends, but I don’t really give a… what?

Waiter and Waitress: So we run and we buc and we kiss and we love hot damn

Ego: Okay. You’re wearing dance shorts.

Waitress: Yeah. Well, it’s a sports bar.

Kenan: Near broadway. Are you two from broadway?

Waiter: No. We’re not from broadway. They want us to look sexy and I think we’re doing it.

Alex: Okay. So, this song is about two football players who kiss?

Waiter: I think they’re just excited because they won the game.

Beck: But they are not on the same team.

Waitress: Who is not?

Beck: The people.

Kenan: This song is not good.

Waitress: You know what? I think that’s probably because we’re stopping and starting.

Waiter: Yeah. We’re leaving too much room for people to interject with their thoughts.

Waitress: So, since you’re literally begging…

Kenan: We’re not though.

Waitress: If I don’t score a touchdown right now
I swear that I’ll eat my bra

Waiter: You gotta give the ball on the square

Waiter and Waitress: Oh, don’t get mad at us, puts on the bus
smack you ahead.

Kenan: We don’t know this song.

Waitress: You do.

Beck: We don’t. Unless it’s something like…

[singing] Hot damn, I’m in the zone

Ego: Hot damn like Tim Tebow

Alex: So we pun and we kiss and we love
and that’s slight too damn

Kenan: No!

Waiter and Waitress: If I don’t score a touchdown right now
I’ll touch your back in the car

Beck,Ego and Alex: The cheerleaders are calling to say

All: Were tired and here’s what we did,
we ran away.

[all run behind the bar]

Waiter: Tap break behind the bar.

Kenan: I am on Google right now and there’s exactly one song called “Hot Damn” and it was released in twothousandtwo by hiphop duo Clipse. It is not this song. This song is not real and those taps are not real.

Waitress: Well, maybe these tap hats and canes will help you remember.

Kenan: They will not!

All: Call in special teams, know who I mean
get in the game

All: Hot damn like Tim Tebow
and we rush and we kick and we puc
and we sing and we sing
and we dance and we kiss
hot damn

Ego: I guess we did remember that song.

Beck: Hey! This TV is unplugged. You just wanted to do your number.

Waitress: Yeah. And if you tell anyone, we’ll kill you.

Waiter: We’ll kill all of you.

Waitress: Okay, now let’s do it again. And really sell at this time.

Kenan: Hell, I knew y’all was a–

Weekend Update My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell on Getting Banned from Twitter

Colin Jost

Mike Lindell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Twitter continued its crack down on voter fraud misinformation by banning Mike Lindell, the CEO of My Pillow and vocal supporter of president Trump. Here to comment is Mike Lindell.

[Mike Lindell slides in with a pillow in his hands]

Mike Lindell: Hello, hey. Thanks there, Colin. Yes, it’s me, Mike Lindell, the inventor of My Pillow. And thank you all so much for making My Pillow the number one pillow in America.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. Mike, so you were just banned from Twitter for spreading all this voter fraud lies that inspired the insurrectionists.

Mike Lindell: Well, hold on there, buckle! I didn’t inspire no insurrection nobody. I’m just a normal American ex crack addict turned Pillow CEO and advisor of the former president.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, speaking of that, can we talk about how your photograph on your way to meet Trump with documents about martial law?

Mike Lindell: Oh, no, no, Colin. That was just a standard pillow meeting. Nothing to do with martial law at all. I just suggested the military overthrow the government. Look, if that’s not democracy, I don’t know what is.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think you might just not know what it is.

Mike Lindell: Yeah, that may be. But hey, I’m not a politics guy. I’m a pillow guy. Before My Pillow, I tried sleeping on everything. Dirt, cement, old man’s lap. But I tell you what set My Pillow apart. It has fantastic political ideas.

Colin Jost: Hold on. So, you talk to your My Pillow?

Mike Lindell: No. I listen. Shh! He’s awake. What’s that My Pillow? Uh-huh. Really? Wow! My Pillow said Dominion overran the voting machine algorithms.

Colin Jost: What?

Mike Lindell: Yeah. So China could swing in for Biden, with Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong-Un and Crissy Teigen.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Dude, you are all over the place.

Mike Lindell: No, you’re on crack again.

Colin Jost: Dude, Dominion is threatening to sue you and now Kohl’s Bed Bath and Beyond, they’re pulling My Pillows from the store. Doesn’t that bother you?

Mike Lindell: Not at all Colin, because you can always buy my book.  “What are the odds? From crack addict to CEO.” In fact, I’d like to read a passage right now. [clears his throat] There I was, faced down in the middle of a Mexican street… again. As out, no clue where I was. But hey, that’s Mexico for you. That’s when I saw him. A pillow, alone and shivering on a side of the road. He seemed lost. He wasn’t the only one. [pointing at himself] So, we made a pact. We get sober, return to the Unites States of America and create the best pillow company ever after one final fiesta. So, we went nuts. We’re talking two peso whores and a truck load of crack just for me and my pillow. Well, that night was a year. The end.

Colin Jost: That’s the end of your book?

Mike Lindell: Yeah. I don’t know. My brain’s on fire.

Colin Jost: Mike Lindell, everyone.

Mike Lindell: Look, Jane Krakowski’s obsessed with me.

Twins

Mischa Shumway… Cecily Strong

Dale Tillman… Beck Bennett

Craig Steer… John Krasinski

Jacob… Mikey Day

Josephine… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Mischa in her news set]

Mischa: I’m, Mischa. This is “The Dividend”. It’s been a wild week on Wall Street. Here to break it down with me is an investment analyst, Dale Tillman.

Dale: Always a pleasure, Mischa. Glad that it worked out that I could be here.

Mischa: Be quiet. You have nothing going on. And joining us from his home in Connecticut, economist, Craig Steer.

Craig: Talk about easy commute. I just had to walk from my living room.

Mischa: Now, a number of hedge funds got caught with their pants down this week when Reddit users drove the price of GameStop up executing a short squeeze. Craig, your thoughts?

Craig: Listen, I think you know how I feel. Right? Power to the people. I mean, why shouldn’t Joe Schmo get rich using the same tactics as Johnny hedge fund?

Mischa: Craig, I’m sorry, but can I ask what’s going on with the art work behind you?

Craig: Oh! My daughter painted that. It’s called the Restless Sinner. She’s very talented. Both my twin daughters, actually. My son Jacob makes these terrific sculptures. I think I have one right here. [Craig pulls out a long human baby toy with MischaDale hands.] Yeah.

Mischa: Oh!

Craig: This one’s called centi-pediatric. Anyway, sorry to show off. I’m just a proud papa.

Mischa: Okay. Well, your twins are certainly talented. But I’m a little worried some viewers might find that Gory painting and baby centipede unsettling. Can you maybe cover them up so we don’t see them?

Dale: Yeah. I think that’s a good idea. I’m pretty unsettled. Could you maybe move your camera?

Craig: Well, I don’t know. I got a desktop here. Let me see. [Craig moves forward to see the computer, so now we can only see his sweater from close.] You know guys, really sorry. [Craig takes his seat. Now, there are his twins behind him looking creepy.]

Mischa: Oh!

Dale: My god!

Jacob: Father.

Josephine: Father.

Jacob: Father.

Josephine: Father.

Craig: Oh! Look up. Cameo alert. Here they are. There’s the twins. Jacob, Josephine. Guys, why are you in here? I told you to play outside while dad was working.

Jacob: The neighbor boy showed us pornography on his phone.

Josephine: We didn’t look away. We liked it, father.

Jacob: Why did we like it, father?

Craig: Well, you know what? We’ll talk about it later. Just go play. [looking at the camera] Kids, am I right? Sorry about that guys.

Mischa: Yeah. Well, Dale, what’s your take on all this?

Dale: I don’t know. Maybe they’re home schooled or something?

Mischa: I meant the stock market, Dale!

Dale: Oh, that. Well, I think Craig’s got it all wrong. I mean, this sort of market manipulation is dangerous.

Craig: Okay. Hold on. Now, what is dangerous about–

[Craig’s video freezes.]

Mischa: Craig? Looks like you froze there. Craig, can you hear me?

[when Craig is back, the twins are also behind him]

Craig: Sorry about that. I’m back.

Mischa: Oh my god!

Josephine: Why does Dale disagree with you father?

Jacob: I don’t like Dale. [devil voice] Dale makes me angry.

Dale: Guys, I’m sorry.

Craig: Guys, go. Let daddy work. Okay? So, maybe go make a snack.

Josephine: May I make us mustard on toast?

Jacob: I want to make it. She is stingy with the mustard.

Josephine: Because you are indulgent with the mustard.

Craig: Okay, guys, please.

[Jacob and Josephine leave]

Dale: Craig, your twins know that we just have difference of opinion and I’m not your enemy, right?

Craig: [laughing] Your’e too much, Dale!

Dale: I’m serious.

Mischa: Well, this obviously has Wall Street worried for a lot of reasons. What should they be most concerned about? Craig?

[now Jacob and Josephine are so close to the camera that you can barely see Craig]

Craig: I am so sorry, Mischa. Listen guys, for real, daddy’s working, okay? Say good bye. Love you.

Jacob: Good bye.

Josephine: Goo bye, [devil voice] Dale.

Dale: I hate that she said my name.

Mischa: Yeah, better you than me. Well, today’s viewer poll asked the same question, what’s Wall Street’s biggest fear? 17% of you said increased market manipulation while 83% said those twins. Have to agree.

Dale: Craig, maybe your twins could come back. I thought I didn’t like seeing them, but it’s even worse when I don’t know where they are.

Craig: Okay, Dale. I see what’s going on here. You’re afraid to have a little bit of a debate with me because you worship at the alter of the hedge fund. Now, what’s wrong? You getting a little hot under the collar there?

[the twins are behind Dale now]

Dale: I don’t feel hot but I just got really cold.

Mischa: Okay. We’re going to take a quick break. Keep in here.

Subway Pitch

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Rocky…John Krasinski

Dino… Beck Bennett

Brandon… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with 5 members of Subway in a meeting]

Kenan: Alright guys. It’s time to talk about future of Subway. Let’s face it. We need a rebrant.

Chloe: Agreed. Our last successful promotion was the $5 footlong. It’s time to bring Subway into the 2020s.

Ego: Yes. It’s time for some new ideas.

Rocky: I’ll tell you what. I couldn’t agree more.

Dino: Yeah. We got a lots of new sandwich ideas for sandwiches.

Kenan: Well, Rocky and Dino, you’ve been Subway’s go-to idea guys for the past 30 years.

Rocky: Let me tell you, it has been honor of my life.

Dino: We’re very proud of our legacy.

Kenan: As are we. But maybe it’s time to get a fresh voice in the mix.

Ego: Jina, could you send Brandon in, please?

[Brandon walks in]

Brandon: Knock, knock. Hi. Very excited to be here.

Rocky: Oh. Who’s the hit guy?

Brandon: The name’s Brandon. Brandon Fudgeit, actually. Came over from Chipotle.

Rocky: Oh, burritos. Very interesting

Dino: Yeah. We don’t do burritos here. We do sandwiches kid.

Brandon: Well, I’m not a kid. I’m a man. And what does every man want? Protein. Lots of it. Look, Subway used to be the quick healthy option but bread is bad. So, picture this. Sandwiches without the bread.

Ego: Oh.

Chloe: Okay.

Brandon: Now, you can eat a bowl full of salami or bologna with a fork and a knife.

Ego: Okay, wow. This is exactly what we were looking for.

Dino: Hey, can I ask you something? You got braindamage?

Brandon: What? No. My brain is fine.

Rocky: So, this is like a fetish I don’t know about? Like, you get off by watching people eat a bowl of ham?

Dino: Oh! That’s gross.

Brandon: No. It’s not a fetish. The Subway Protein Bowl is what young people want. I’m sorry but you guys are out of touch.

Rocky: Hey! You have some respect, alright? You know who we are? Okay? We found Jared.

Dino: That’s right. We’re the Jared guys. You see, me and Rocky were more than just salesmen. We’re story tellers. We sold Subway by telling the story of Jared.

Rocky: Yeah. You don’t bring Subway into the 2020s with a bowl of salami, okay? You do it with a story.

Kenan: Okay. And how do you propose we do that?

Dino: We bring back Jared.

Rocky: Yes.

Kenan: No. Stop it. Rocy, Dino, stop trying to bring back Jared. We told you that can never happen. He’s a bad man.

Brandon: Look, Mr. Rocky, Mr. Dino, I’m not trying to disrespect all that you guys have done for Subway. I mean, I love the $5 footlong jingle.

Rocky: Yeah, that wasn’t us.

Dino: Yeah, that was someone else. We pitched a different version.

Rocky and Dino: [singing] Subway’s a sandwich restaurant
we’re known for Jared
so if you want a sandwich
then Subway is an option
if you have $5
then you can buy a sandwich
but it won’t get you cookies

Kenan: Enough! Rocky, Dino, let Mr. Fudgeit finish.

Dino: So, with all due respect if you sell these bologna, I’m gonna kill myself.

Rocky: Me too, boss.

Kenan: Jesus, guys. You can’t say that at work. I’m gonna have to let you both go for that.

Dino: Oh, you’re gonna fire us for threatening to kill ourselves?

Rocky: Well, now we’re definitely gonna kill ourselves.

Dino: Yeah.

Kenan: Okay, fine. You’re not fired.

Dino: Oh, we’re not fired because we’re important to the team? Or because we said we were going blow our brains out?

Ego: It’s because you threatened suicide yes.

Rocky: Good. Glad to know that that works.

Dino: Okay. Work back. Welcome to the team, kid.

Pandemic Game Night

Keith… John Krasinski

Goldie… Cecily Strong

Angela… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Brad… Beck Bennett

FBI agents… Mikey Day, Punkie Johnson

[Starts with six adults in a house having a fun night.]

Keith: Alright. This meeting of the Warren Street covid bubble is now on session.

Goldie: Ah! I am so grateful we get to to this once a week. If I didn’t have this bubble, I would go insane.

Angela: Oh, yes. You have to have a pod that you can trust.

Kyle: Amen!

Keith: Alright. Who’s ready to play pioneer’s, a mountain pass?

Heidi: You know I am. I’ll be shopkeep.

Keith: Alright. Well, I guess I’ll be mayor’s daughter again.

Brad: [standing] Uh… I think I hear a pizza man at the door. Excuse me, uh… that will be… uh… I’ll be going to get the pizza, fellow forgers. I don’t know.

Keith: You know we’ll save you for the game, Brad.

[Brad opens the door. There’s an FBI agent.]

7: Brad Dobbit, you’re under arrest for storming the Capitol.

Brad: Yes, I am. You got me.

Heidi: What? Brad? You stormed the Capitol?

Brad: I’m sorry, everyone. I wasn’t in the bathroom that day. I was out at DC stopping the steal with my boys.

Goldie: Oh my god, Brad! Why on earth would you do that?

Brad: Because I care about our nation and its constitution. So, I wet jelly on a statue and put Pelosi’s phone on my pants.

Kyle: So, that’s what you did?

Brad: What else was I supposed to do? The guy I wanted to win didn’t win.

7: Alright. Let’s go.

Brad: Well, let me grab my coat first.

Angela: My god. I can’t believe this. I mean, is this really happening?

[Brad wears his fur coat and horns cap]

Brad: Tell my story.

7: Alright.

[7 grabs Brad by his hand]

Brad: Ouch! My hand!

Kyle: Oh my god! Did any of you know about this?

Heidi: No. I mean it’s Brad. Sweet, angry Brad.

Angela: Wow, I am floored. You think you know someone and then this happens.

Keith: I know. Well, let’s start the game. Shall we?

[door bell ringing]

Angela: Yes. Oh, well. I bet that’s the pizza.

Keith: Alright, but hop to it Angela because we got a lot of pioneering to get through.

Angela: Okay. Quit reminding us.

[Angela opens the door. There’s a female FBI agent.]

8: Angela Barnes, you’re under arrest.

Angela: Okay, I know that.

Kyle: Angela?

Goldie: Not sweet, racist Angela?

Angela: It’s true. I’m a patriot unlike this bubble of cucks.

Kyle: You’re gonna go to jail!

Angela: Ah! It was worth it. I had sex with Chuck Norris. At least he told me he was Chuck Norris. He kept saying, “You still think I’m Chuck Norris, right?”

8: Okay. We’re taking you in.

Angela: Well, let me just get my stuff, please. Okay. [Angela wears her Uncle Jam American flag hat with white beard] Now, Uncle Jam says don’t trade on this.

[7 pulls Angela out of the door]

Kyle: Is anybody else freaked out that two of our friends just got arrested?

[door bell ringing. Keith stands to answer the door.]

Oh no. Not you too!

Keith: Dude, you know me better than that. Okay?

[Keith opens the door. A guy wearing pizza delivery outfit is there.]

It’s just a pizza guy.

9: Or is it? [he opens his fake outfit. He is also an FBI.]

Keith: Dammit!

7: Are you Keith Renault?

Keith: Yes. Or Q-daddy on Facebook, marketl.

7: [looking at Goldie] Are you Goldie Flemming?

Goldie: I am. And I want my phone call.

7: That happens later, ma’am.

Heidi: Oh my god! Not crazy Goldie and dishonorably discharged Keith!

Keith: Alright. How did you find us?

Goldie: Was it our post on Instagram?

Keith: Or was it out check-in on Facebook?

Goldie: Or when I Venmoed him $10 to kick Pence’s ass?

Keith: Wait, did the hardware store tell you what I bougth?

7: We found this.

[7 pulls out a photo of them when they were there]

Goldie: Oh, yes. Then yes, guilty as charged. May I grab my cape that celebrates my southern heritage?

7: No.

Keith: May I quickly put on some face paint?

7: No!

Goldie: Oh! And this is the America you want to live in? I ask you

[Keith pulls out a podium and carried it with him]

Keith: Good day, all!

[7 takes them with him]

Kyle: I don’t get it. I mean one of them was my wife.

Heidi: I know.

Kyle: You just don’t know anyone anymore. Do I even know you?

Heidi: No. You are under arrest. [Heidi shows Kyle her FBI card.]

Kyle: Okay. Can I grab my crossbow please?

Heidi: No.

[Heidi starts pushing Kyle to the door]

Kyle: [screaming] But I’m a state senator!

Opening Credits Songs

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Anya Taylor-Joy… Melissa Villaseñor

David Harbour… Beck Bennett

Julie Andrews… Cecily Strong

Nicholas Braun… Pete Davidson

Gillian Anderson… Kate McKinnon

Kim Cattrall… Chloe Fineman

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

Kelsey Grammer… Alex Moffat

John Krasinski

[Starts with Nicole Kidman’s intro]

Male voice: If you’ve watched “The Undoing”, you might have noticed that one of the stars of the show, Nicole Kidman, sang the theme song.

Nicole Kidman: [singing] Why am I alone, it’s blue as can be (my son)
dream a little dream of me

Did you notice my coat?

Male voice: We did. Inspired by Nicole, stars of your other favorite shows now singing their theme songs on ‘Now that’s what I call theme songs sung by the stars of the show’. So, enjoy this original theme song that was cut from the opening of “The Queen’s Gambit”.

[Cut to Anya Taylor-Joy]

Anya Taylor-Joy: [singing] Chess and drugs and drugs and chess
girl playing chess, then doing drugs
then playing chess
now when you see people playing chess
now you will know, they’re on drugs

Male voice: And hey, if you like Stranger Things, you’ll love the new season four opening credits performed by Sheriff Jim “Hop” Hopper.

[Cut to David Harbour]

David Harbour: [singing] Welcome to the 80s, I’m about to blow your mind
in Hawkins, Indiana, scary aliens you’ll find

lots of kid actors but they’re actually good
there’s something strange in your neighborhood

Oops! That’s Ghostbuster, girl!

Male voice: And Julie Andrews, the narrator of “Bridgerton”.

[Cut to Julie Andrews]

Julie Andrews: [singing] Sex, lots of color blind sex
sex, we put on costume for sex

but why do these opening credits
look like a screensaver from the 90s? 

Male voice: And wow, check out Cousin Greg from “Succession” lending his own unique style to their theme song.

[Cut to Nicholas Braun]

Nicholas Braun: [singing] Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Succession

Male voice: And what about Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher singing the theme song for “The Crown”?

[Cut to Gillian Anderson]

Gillian Anderson:  [singing] This is the crown

Alright

Male voice: Pretty sure that was the theme song from “The Voice”. And you’ve probably heard the rebooting “Sex and the City”. Kim Cattrall is not in the new show but she does sing the theme song.

[Cut to Kim Cattrall]

Kim Cattrall: [singing] Sex an the City without Samantha
doesn’t that sound fun?

it’s Sex and the City without the sex
hope you enjoy the city

Ah!

Male voice: And don’t miss the opening theme to “The Mandalorian” as performed by Baby Yoda.

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha.
oh, yeah, what?
turn it up, turn it up, yo
Yo, come on, now, yo
Mandolorian, native Californian

Enough! This beat is whack! I got to wrap to this? Come on, now?

Male voice: And now that Frasier is back on Pika, Kelsey Grammer has release a brand new version of the theme song. But he has modernized the lyrics as only Kelsey Grammer can.

[Cut to Kelsey Grammer]

Kelsey Grammer: [singing] Hey, maybe I hear you Instagramming,
TikTok salads and Twitter eggs
Reddit

Male voice: And finally, John Krasinski sings the long lost lyrics to the original “The Office” theme song which he wrote himself.

[Cut to John Krasinski]

John Krasinski:[singing] Scranton,Scranton, Scranton,
Scranton, Scranton, Scranton, Scranton
that’s where we all live and work

that’s a calculator
there’s Dwight, he’s the bad guy
and the hero’s name is Jim
highlighting, that’s his girlfriend
that guy’s on the phone,
tie flip, then there’s me again
then Carell does the trophy thing
the office

Male voice: Stars sing the songs from the shows they’re on. Available wherever I am. Come and find me.