The Maiden and The Mice

Mina… Gal Gadot

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Prince… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Story Book Classics intro]

Male voice: WE now return you to ‘Story Book Classics’ presents, The Maiden and the Mice.

[Cut to Mina getting in a room]

Mina: Oh, no! All is lost.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: What’s wrong, Mina?

Aidy: Don’t cry, Mina.

Kate: We love you.

[Cut to all]

Mina: Oh, my good, good mice. My evil stepmother. She stole my gown right before the ball, and the prince is on his way.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: Never fear, Mina.

Aidy: You can still go to the ball.

Kate: Because we made you a dress!

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: What? Oh, little mice. You are my best and dearest friends. Where is it?

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: We will show you.

[Cut to all. The mice pull the divider in front of Mina and starts changing her dress.]

Aidy: Okay. We’ll help you. There we go. A thread is here.

Kyle: That’s the buttons. Perfect.

Aidy: Amazing!

Kate: Incredible.

[The divider is removed. The dress is horrible.]

Kyle: Oh, Mina, it’s perfect.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh! It’s– whoa!

Kyle: See, speechless!

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: She loves it.

Kate: You do love it, right princess?

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh, yeah. Of course I do. It’s just a lot.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: What does that mean?

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh, no, don’t get me wrong. It’s great. I just– I might take it with me and put it on there when I get there.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: Why? You’re already wearing it.

Aidy: Princess, if you don’t like it, please, just say so.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: It’s just not really me. You see, I would never choose this for myself.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: Well, we can add more hair balls if you want.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Um, maybe.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: Is it a maybe? Or is it a no?

[Cut to all]

Mina: Okay. If I’m being completely honest…

Kyle: Oh, sure, start now.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Well, it’s made of rags and bags and chunks of dust.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: Yeah. We’re working on a budget of zero dollars.

Kyle: And also, we’re mice. It’s a miracle we made anything.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: I’m sorry. I just can’t wear this to the ball.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: Okay. Okay, cool. Well, I wish we knew that before we spent nine hours on it.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Ah! I didn’t know you were definitely working on it. I mean, I heard you mention it but I didn’t realize it was a go.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: Yeah. My mom’s doing fine, by the way.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: I’m sorry. I could maybe wear it to the afterparty.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: Look, we want you to wear it because you want to wear it, not because you’re humoring us.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh, guys. Come on. Look at this. There’s big holes in it and the stitches are uneven.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: Of course the stitches are uneven. Once again, we’re mice.

Aidy: Yes. The button is the size of my whole body.

Kate: We only live like, a year. We basically gave you our 20s.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: And I appreciate it. But this is not an evening gown.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: What do you know? You’re poor.

Aidy: Yeah. You’re poor. We live in a castle. We’re rich.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Stop calling me poor.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: You’re poor. Poor!

Mice: The prince!

[The prince walks in]

Prince: Mina, you look… wow.

Mina: Oh, my prince. I know. It’s terrible. All I have is a dress made by mice.

Prince: You mean… [Prince bows to the mice] You made this beautiful thing?

Aidy: Well, yes.

Prince: Would you accompany me to the ball?

Aidy: Oh, yes.

Mina: What? What about me?

Prince: Oh, sorry. I don’t date poor chicks. It gets messy real fast.

[The End]

The Chosen One

Chad… Pete Davidson

Elf… Mikey Day

Dwarf… Beck Bennett

Centaur… Kenan Thompson

Queen… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Chad playing video game in his room at night.] [Suddenly, there’s a glowing light in his closet. Chad walks to the closet and opens it. He sees a portal inside and he walks through it. He reaches to a different world where it’s snowing. There are two men and a centaur welcoming him.]

Elf: Welcome. Our prophets told of a savior. He would arrive from another land to free our world from the grip of darkness. What is your birth name?

Chad: Chad.

Centaur: The dark lord Azerhan and his army of shadows has entombed our world in ice and snow.

Dwarf: Only you can defeat him, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: We must inform the queen of your arrival.

[Queen walks in]

Queen: No need. I felt his presence. I am queen Chrysalis, ruler of Assyria and the nine rivers from Stark to Everseed.

Elf: Okay.

Queen: There was a time when the meadows bloomed. And there is hope that they may bloom again for today marks your coming.

Chad: [giggling] Coming.

Queen: You are the savior of Assyria. So says the prophecy.

All: So says the prophecy.

Chad: Okay.

Queen: But you must undertake a dangerous journey. [Chad is using his phone] You may return to your world at any time if you desire. The choice is yours. But be warned.

Centaur: He left.

Queen: What?

[Elf walks forward]

Go.

Elf: My leige.

Queen: Yes.

[Cut to Chad playing video game in his room. Elf walks in his room through the portal.]

Elf: Chad, why did you leave?

Chad: I was bored.

Elf: Can you come back for a moment? We weren’t done.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad and Elf walk through the portal again]

Queen: Thank you, Chad. You have chosen to follow your destiny.

Dwarf: First, you must climb the mountain of despair.

Chad: Okay.

Centaur: Then ford the river of flame.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: And survive the forest of translucent transgressions.

Queen: And after the veil of evil is lifted, you will become king and I will give you with my virginity.

Chad: Dope! [Chad opens his pants]

Queen: After your journey.

Chad: Oh, okay. [Chad wears his pants back on]

Queen: To aid you on this quest, we give you these items.

Centaur: From the order of the centauri, I present you with this map to guide you. [Centaur passes a map to Chad] Thousands of my kind died beyond the mountains to create it. May they rest with the gods.

[As they are bowing to Chad, the wind blows the map away.]

Dwarf: And from the kingdom of dwarves, I give you the crystal of Gumligin to light your path. [Dwarf puts a crystal necklace on Chad. The crystal is glowing.]

Chad: Gay.

Elf: And from the Elven council, the sword of the great warrior, Ashton. [Elf gives Chad a sword. Chad starts swinging the sword randomly.]

Queen: Safe travels, young warrior. May the great gods bless you.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and walks away]

Elf: That boy is our last hope.

Queen: I do not see a boy. I see a warrior.

[Chad is holding the sword as if it is his penis]

Chad: Ha-ha. Look!

Dwarf: Hah! It’s like his sword is his penis. Very clever.

[The End]

Mirage

Kenan Thompson

Mark… Beck Bennett

Natalia… Gal Gadot

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Manager… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Kenan and Mark walking in a desert]

Kenan: Oh, there’s nothing. Just sand.

Mark: We haven’t had water for days. Our best bet is to stop and hope they will find us.

[Kenan and Mark sit]

Kenan: Oh! Natgeo.com doesn’t have the budget to search the whole Arabian desert for two B-roll cameramen. [looks around] Oh, wait. You see that, Mark?

Mark: No. If you’re seeing something, it must be a mirage.

[Cut to the open desert. Kenan is seeing a lemonade stand in the middle of the desert.]

Kenan: But it looks so real.

Lemonade girl: Hey there, you big thirsty guy? Do you wanna have some ice-cold lemonade?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh my god! Natalia, my wife’s trainer? Why am I seeing her?

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Mark: Your brain is just giving you what you want to see.

[Cut to Natalia]

Natalia: Hey there, bit thirsty. I can’t drink all this lemonade by myself, silly guy.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Well, then we got work to do, baby.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: [breathing heavy] Oh, I think I’m seeing something too.

[Cut to the open desert. Mark is seeing Jamba Juice stand.]

Mikey: I got a banana-mataz for Mark. Banana-mataz with a zinc boost for Mark.

Kyle: Sir! Your banana-mataz with zinc boost is at the counter. Once again, Mark!

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: What the hell?

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Kenan: What? What do you see, brother?

Mark: The Jamba Juice by my old work.

Kenan: Oh. Well, who’s making your smoothies? Some swimsuit model?

Mark: No. It’s the actual guys who worked at the Jamba Juice. Why is this what my brain is making me see right now? Are mirages supposed to be like a fantasy?

Kenan: Well, I wish you were seeing what I’m seeing.

[Cut to Natalia holding two lemons and teasing him]

Natalia: Hey, big thirsty. If you want to have your lemonade, you have got to dance with me.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, it’s a deal. [to Mark] How you doing, man?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I’m seeing a woman now.

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Kenan: Oh, alright. Who?

Mark: The manager and she hated me.

[Cut to Manager standing in front of the Jamba Juice stand and yelling at Mark]

Manager: Hey! You have a banana-mataz at the counter. Go get your damn banana-mataz juice.

[Cut to Mark looking frightened]

Mark: Oh, god! I don’t want to see the Jamba Juice staff right now.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, man. The sun is getting hotter. I’m burning up.

[Cut to Natalia holding a hand-fan and teasing Kenan]

Natalia: Oh, so hot. I had to lose my shirt. I’m probably a stinky little lady because I’m so sweaty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Damn, this lemonade stand is getting pretty sexy.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: So is Jamba Juice.

[Cut to Mikey and Kyle playing at Jamba Juice stand shirtless.]

Kyle: Damn, sir. It’s hot as hell today.

Mikey: Yeah! By the way, I’ve still got a–

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: — A banana-mataz for Mark. I know! [to Kenan] I want to see what you’re seeing.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, Natalia? Well, I mean, I showed you that photo of her. Just picture it.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Okay. Come on, brain. Natalia. Natalia.

[Cut to Natalia behind Jamba Juice stand]

Natalia: Hey there, handsome sweaty guy. I’ve never made a smoothie before. Will you help me?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I would love to, Natalia.

[Cut to Natalia. She eats a strawberry.]

Natalia: Umm. Strawberry is my favorite.

[Mikey and Kyle walk in]

Mikey: You can’t be behind here.

Kyle: You cannot be behind the counter.

[Mikey and Kyle pushes Natalia away] [Cut to Mark]

Mark: No! Natalia left!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Same over here. But I don’t mind her replacement.

[Cut to Manager behind the lemonade stand]

Manager: Let’s drink some lemonade, dude!

Italian Restaurant

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Mark… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Chef… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mikey serving the guests at a restaurant. There are customers sitting at different tables.]

Mikey: So, thank you for trying the food. Tell me, what do you guys think?

Kyle: Yum.

Heidi: Really good.

Mark: fantastic.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Terrazano’s gonna be even better with this new menu.

Cecily: Yeah. I’m 50% Italian, so I know what pasta should taste like. And Terrazano’s does it right.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m so glad you guys feel that way because what if I told you that the delicious pasta dishes you’re digging into right now aren’t actually fron an authentic Italian restaurant?

[Cut to all. Three people walk in with trays of food.]

Ryan: What do you mean?

Cecily: Babe, what’s going on?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That theyr’e actually the new pasta selections from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily looking around]

Cecily: No!

Mikey: Familia Italiano–

Cecily: No!

Mikey: — pasta menu.

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: What? This is Pizza Hut? Really?

Heidi: You guys got us. That was good.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily. They stand.]

Cecily: No, no, no. Stop!

Ryan: Buddy, you better pump your brakes. I’m just a little confused. I was just sitting here eating Terrazano’s pasta with my beautiful fiancée. And now a bunch of clowns come out with Pizza Hut and you are saying that’s what we actually ate? I’m a little confused.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really? Because you got it exactly right, sir. The Terrazano’s pasta you enjoyed is really from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Kyle and Melissa]

Kyle: I gotta say. You are blowing my mind right now.

Melissa: I’m going to be ordering this primavera all the time.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: [yelling] Yea, right! From Terrazano’s, my favorite restaurant.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Okay. But remember, it’s actually Pizza Hut and you still liked them. So, isn’t that fun?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: You son of a bitch.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Whoa, easy!

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. So, you tricked us? What? This whole night was just like one big long trick?

Ryan: Who else knew about this? Huh? [Cut to Ryan, Cecily, Mark and Heidi] What about you, Mark? What was your involvement in all this?

Mark: What? No! I’m just like you. I don’t know about this.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: You can’t do this to me. I’m not a Pizza Hut girl. I’m a Terrazano girl.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Guys, guys. Terrazano’s is not a real restaurant. I never existed before today, okay? This is a warehouse with three tables.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Well, we’re not gonna stand for being made fools of. Not in front of our fiancées. Right, Mark?

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: I wish I hadn’t told you my name.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, the point is, you guys enjoyed the food, right?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: I ought to beat you to death.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Guys, you both signed a release. Your fiancée asked where the camera was, looked directly into it and said “Yum, yum, good.”

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Because I thought it was Terrazano’s.

Ryan: You get off on this? You planting little cameras around and you watch women eat garbage?

Cecily: The chef, babe. Does chef really know?

Ryan: What about chef Luigi Marinara? Is he real?

[Cut to Chef standing. He is wearing chef outfit and has big mustache.]

Chef: I am a real chef, but my actual name is Claud and I did not cook this meal for you.

[Cut to all]

Cecily: You should be disbarred. You should literally be disbarred.

[Ryan walks near to Chef]

Ryan: You looked me in the eyes. You looked my fiancée in the eyes. Where we come from, that means something. You know what? You just lost two people forever.

[Cut to Cecily holding her wine glass]

Cecily: Is this wine even real?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: You ordered a diet coke.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Then why am I buzzed?

[Ryan walks to Cecily]

Ryan: You are scaring my girl. And let me tell you, I see red when my girl gets scared. I ought to beat the death out of you.

Cecily: You’re just a loser who could never afford to eat at Terrazano’s. So you made it your pathetic life’s little mission to destroy the people who can.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Okay look, you guys both signed the release. [walking towards Ryan and Cecily] You seemed to like the food. But we won’t use any of the footage if you don’t want, okay? We promise. I’m sorry this was so upsetting to you.

Cecily: Oh, stop yelling at me. I can’t be yelled at. My dad was a really messed up guy. He was really messed but he would never do this to me, not at Terrazano’s.

Ryan: [hugging Cecily] I know, babe. I know. [to Mikey] If this weren’t Terrazano’s, I ould beat you to death.

Mikey: There is no Terrazano’s!

[Cut to Domino’s video bumper]

Male voice: Domino’s, at least we’re not liars!

Henrietta & The Fugitive

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Mackenzie… Ryan Gosling

Farmer… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with two police officers looking for a criminal]

Beck: We know you’re in here, Mackenzie.

Alex: Come out, you bank robbing son of a bitch.

Beck: Nothing. Just a bunch of hay, cobwebs and this lonely, lonely hen.

[Cut to Hen. She is a chicken] [Cut to all]

Alex: [to the chicken] Have you seen anyone around here, hen? We’re looking for a fugitive.

Hen: Uh, who me? Oh, I haven’t seen a thing.

[Cut to Beck and Alex]

Beck: Alright, big help, chicken. Let’s check the gas station down the road.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: Good luck, boys. Buk-buk-buk-buk-buk-buk.

[The policemen walk out. Mackenzie comes in.]

Mackenzie: oh, babe. You played them like a fiddle. Oh, I told you you were a star.

Hen: Oh, you make me feel like a star, Freddy.

Mackenzie: Good luck, boys. Oh baby, how do you come up with this stuff?

Hen: Oh! You’re a flirt. I can’t believe you are taking me to Spain.

Mackenzie: Where? Oh, yeah, Spain. You better believe it, baby. And as long as the cops stay out of my business, it will just be you and me and Sangria and Paella from here on out.

Hen: And corn, right?

Mackenzie: Oh, sure. Little glistening loose kernels of corn like yellow diamonds as far as the eye can see.

Hen: Oh. I can’t believe I’m trading a barn for Barcelona.

Mackenzie: Alright, that’s enough for tonight. I’ll hit the lights and we’ll get some shut eye. [walking away and talking to himself] Come on, Freddy. What are you doing? She’s a chicken. You’re a lone wolf. You use them and you leave them. But what if she’s the one? Oh, stop.

Hen: Oh, Freddie, you called the airline, right? Ask them if you can bring a hen on the plane with her eggs?

Mackenzie: Oh, yeah. Those airline people, they even have the egg heaters on first class.

Hen: Oh, you got me going. Come on here.

[Hen and Mackenzie are about to kiss] [door knocking] [Beck and Alex walk in again]

Beck: Alright. Listen up, chicken. We found the crooks bandanna outside. Are you sure you haven’t seen anyone?

Hen: Why would I lie?

Alex: Ah! Let’s go search at his wife’s place.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: Oh? I’m sorry. You are going to go where?

[Cut to Beck and Alex]

Beck: At his wife’s. A beautiful woman. Long legs, soft kissable lips. Two arms with hands. Everything a fellow could want.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: Oh. One other thing. Are there egg heaters on airplanes?

Beck: [laughing] No.

Hen: Not even in first class?

[Cut to Beck and Alex]

Beck: Chickens can’t go on planes. Sorry sweetheart.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: I see. [sad music playing] [Hen is crying] [Beck and Alex walk out and Mackenzie comes in]

Mackenzie: Now, Henny, you look at me. You look at me, Henny. You can’t listen to them.

Hen: You lied. You lied about everything. You even said you didn’t have a gun. Oh, what’s this? There, I got it. Oh! [Hen pulls out a gun out of Hen’s pocket]

Mackenzie: Careful! That’s a gun, Henrietta.

Hen: Oh, you think I don’t know anything coz I fumble with my wings. Well, you took me for a fool.

Mackenzie: Listen, yes. I did use you. And I am still married. And I am a criminal and I’m terrified of prison. But dammit, I have grown to love you.

[Farmer walks in]

Farmer: Hey, you done with that scarf yet? [looks at Mackenzie] Oh, man, who’s this?

[gun shot. Hen shoots Farmer.]

Oh! Henrietta, why?

[Farmer falls down] [Beck and Alex walk in]

Beck: The farmer’s been shot.

Alex: And the hen’s holding the gun.

Beck: Put down the ross-co, hen. You’re coming to jail.

[Mackenzie walks in]

Mackenzie: No! You leave her alone. You leave her out of this. I shot that farmer.

Hen: No!

Mackenzie: Don’t listen to her. I’m just a big stupid little fool.

Alex: Why did you shoot him?

[Mackenzie looks at Hen]

Mackenzie: I did it for someone I love.

[Beck puts Mackenzie in handcuffs]

I’m sorry.

Hen: I love you.

[20 years later] [Mackenzie walks out of jail. Hen is waiting for him.]

Mackenzie: Where to, Señorita?

Hen: Barcelona.

[Hen and Mackenzie kiss]

Dive Bar

Treese Hinderson… Kenan Thompson

Larry Fontanelle… Ryan Gosling

Raj… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

Dirtrisha… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Treese and his band playing in a bar]

Treese: [singing] And that’s what she had all of the stuff in her hands, oh yeah, mmm.

Yes. Beautiful. [The audience at the bar are clapping] Hello and thank you for spending your Sunday with us at Mickey’s End Zone. This is about football, right? We’re just warming you up for the football game that will play on a tiny television that is located directly behind us at the level of our middle backs. But we will move, right? We will move.

Larry: We will move. We will move at one point.

Treese: That’s right. At one point, we will be moving.

Larry: We’re gonna move.

Treese: And then, you can watch your heavenly Cardinals trying to outsizzle your Niner fours. Yes. [Treese picks the TV remote and turns the TV off] A little later. But right now, [Cut to Treese] is there a tiny tissue? Does anyone have a tiny little tissue or a towelette perhaps? I have to admit that I ran all the way here.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Larry: From where, my man?

Treese: Dirtrisha’s house. She tried to show me a part of herself that I was not ready to receive.

Larry: I have just found a Kleenex.

Treese: Oh, nice.

Larry: Here you go. [passing Treese the tissue]

Treese: Oh, great! Thank you very much. Let’s hit it!

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
I wonder who’s going to Kaepernick take a knee

Hello, everyone. I am Treese Hinderson. Allow me to introduce you to my band. To my immediate left and on the keyboard is Raj.

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: This keyboard is a wild animal tonight. [playing keyboard solo] Yeah!

[Cut to Treese, Larry and Raj]

Treese: And on my right, Mr. Larry Fontanelle on his rock n’ roll flute.

[Cut to Larry. He is playing flute horribly.]

Larry: Thank you. Yes. [Cut to Treese and Larry] Thank you for calling it a rock n’ roll flute. It’s not just a flute. It’s deeper than that.

Treese: Oh, I know it is. I remember the first time I called it just a flute and you kicked me directly in my underbags.

Larry: I felt them on the top of my shoes.

Treese: Yes. Hey, real quick. Is that girl that you are dealing with still being problematic?

Larry: Let’s not go there. Not here.

Treese: Well, I think it would be good for you to talk about it.

Larry: But I have been advised not to.

Treese: Oh, so they’re planning to investigate further?

Larry: Yes.

Treese: The attorneys?

Larry: that’s how they introduced themselves. Yes.

Treese: Because the husband found out?

Larry: There’s more to it than that.

Treese: Well, what does that mean? There was one husband, and extra dude, and you?

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: Just let the man be, Treese.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Larry: Yeah. I don’t wanna talk about it here.

Treese: Oh, you are a mystery just like Daniel Craig.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
make sure the grass is dry before you take a knee

Whoo! Whoa, look at this lovely couple down front here. How are you guys feeling?

[cut to Beck and Heidi]

Beck: Just curious about what happened with your rock n’ roll flutist.

Heidi: Yeah. I’d love to hear more about what’s going on with that guy.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Treese: I know, right? You would think that as his roommate, he would share more of what’s going on with his life with me.

Larry: Ask me in private and I’ll tell you.

Treese: Well, I never see you in private. You just go right into your room.

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: Leave him alone, Treese.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Treese: Well, I mean, is she preggo? You know? Full with child? PG? Is she PG? Because if she’s PG, I would like to make you both a little something from build a bear.

[phone ringing]

Larry: My phone. Sorry. I have to answer this. Hello.

Treese: Who is it?

Larry: [speaking on phone] Yes, officer.

Treese: Officer? Well, that’s either the police or the military. Is it the police?

Larry: [speaking on phone] Yes, that’s where I live.

Treese: Well, I do too. I mean your roommate.

Larry: [speaking on phone] What do you mean the broken window?

Treese: What window? Was it in the front room? Did they access the common area?

Larry: [to Treese] Will you shut up for a second? [speaking on phone] Uh-huh. So they sacked the place?

Treese: Sacked? Did they get my good jeans?

Larry: [speaking on phone] I’m sorry. What was that?

Treese: Are they there now? Ask them if anyone has seen my good jeans.

Larry: [to Treese] Can you calm down, man?

Treese: But these are my good dark jeans. I can wear them with my big tops. Ask about the jeans.

Larry: [speaking on phone] I’m sorry, but did you happen to see any jeans?

Treese: Good jeans.

Larry: No, good jeans lying around. Okay, I see. Thank you. [hangs up the phone]

Treese: What did they say about my jeans?

Larry: They didn’t see any good ones there.

Treese: Oh, it must be that girl’s husband that you are in love web with. They took my good jeans.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
taking the knee but not in my good dark jeans

[Cut to Dirtrisha in the audience. She is holding the jeans Treese is talking about.]

Dirtrisha: [yelling] Treese!

[Cut to Treese]

Treese: Dirtrisha, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Dirtrisha]

Dirtrisha: Look what I got, your favorite thing in the world.

[Cut to Treese]

Treese: Dirtrisha, it was you? You have my good jeans?

[Cut to Dirtrisha]

Dirtrisha: Nobody runs out on me. [Dirtrisha tears the jeans apart] [Cut to Treese]

Treese: Ah! Oh, my good dark jeans.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
football knees get down on the football screen

Enjoy the game, everyone. [The power cuts] And we just lost power. Perfect! Okay, perfect.

Wrestle Mania PromoWrestle Mania Promo

Director… Kyle Mooney

Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson

Trashyard Mutt… Bobby Moynihan

Host… Beck Bennett

[Starts with filming of wrestling event promo]

Director: Okay. Moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our next two wrestlers in there. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

[Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt walk in]

Trashyard Mutt: Wow! Alright! Good to see you, man. Good to see you again.

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah. Hey. Good to see you. Right back at you, brother.

Director: Hey guys, it’s a normal 30 second promo. We can start whenever you are ready.

Trashyard Mutt: Great, thanks man.

[Director leaves]

Hey, fair warning. I might get a little harsh with some of the stuff I say. Its just kind of my thing. So…

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah, yeah. Completely understood, man. Well, let’s have a good one. And oh, give me all you got.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, great.

Director: Okay, set?

[Host walks in behind them]

And, action.

Host: I’m here with our main event competitors. Director and Coco Watchout. and it doesn’t get much uglier than a rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right, Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: You’re darn right. And when I get my paws on him, it’s gonna be dinner time for old Mutt. And it looks like tonight’s main coarse is a big heaping sticky pile of loser. [barking]

Host: What do you have to say to that, Coco?

Coco Watchout: Well, let me tell you something about this guy. He’s shooting blanks. He has been trying to get his wife pregnant for two years. And he cannot get it done. And it is putting a lot of stress on their marriage.

Trashyard Mutt:Yeah. [pauses] Well, I’m gonna put some stress on you in that ring. I’mma mess you up!

Coco Watchout: I’ll tell you what’s messed up. This guy’s sperm. They don’t have tails. They’re just little heads. The doctor said that he has never seen that before. And the only bun this guy is putting in the oven is a cinnabon because he’s not fertile.

Host: Well, you’re here, heard it here first. Trashyard Mutt is sterile and it all gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.

Director: And cut.

Coco Watchout: Oh, that was good. Right? Would you go with that one?

Trashyard Mutt: No. Not really, man! I told you that in private. Okay? Maybe we could talk more about like, wrestling stuff, okay? And like, less emotional stuff.

Coco Watchout: Okay. Wrestling stuff.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah.

Coco Watchout: Cool, cool, cool. Okay. Hey, great note.

Director: Alright, promo take two. And action!

Host: I’m here with Director and Coco Watchout. And it doesn’t get much uglier than the rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, yeah! And lord help him when I come flying down from that top rope with my double doggie drop. [barking]

Coco Watchout: Actually, Mutt, you’re not flying anywhere coz you’re on the no-fly list. Because the last time you flew, you took a dump so bad they had to turn the plane around. They heard the noise and thought it was a bomb. An 80 year old woman fell into a coma and she still hasn’t woken up. At one point, you tried to blame it on a soldier returning home from Afghanistan.

Trashyard Mutt: Urgh! How did you know about that?

Coco Watchout: I know everything about you Mutt because I hacked into your laptop. And I’ve been watching you. That’s how I found out what a big Katy Perry fan you really are.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, no!

Coco Watchout: Roll the tape.

[Cut to a webcam video where Trashyard Mutt is wearing a wig, bra and is stripping.] [Cut to Coco Watchout, Trashyard Mutt and Host]

Trashyard Mutt: That was– That was long time ago.

Coco Watchout: It was yesterday! And that’s what Coco is cooking. Whoo!

Director: Cut! Cut! Um, felt good to me. You guys happy?

Coco Watchout: Yeah.

Trashyard Mutt: No! No! I’m unhappy.

Coco Watchout: But you said I should just go after you.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, well, don’t, okay? Just keep it generic stuff, okay? Like I’ll be crying for my mama or something silly.

Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Yes. Sure. Cry for you mama. Okay, cool. Hey, again, great note.

Trashyard Mutt: Thanks.

Director: Take three, and action.

Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

Coco Watchout: And when I get through with this guy, he’ll be crying for his mama. Or at least, for the woman who he thinks is his mama.

[Trashyard Mutt is angry and walks around to calm himself down]

Because he doesn’t know he’s adopted!

Trashyard Mutt: Why are you doing this, Steve?

Coco Watchout: See, your birth mother was part of a government experiment to produce the perfect child. To the surprise of the scientist, the embryo split and twins were born. You and me. That’s right, Mutt. We’re twins. And you’re the defeato.

Trashyard Mutt: What? We’ve been wrestling together for years. Why wouldn’t you tell me?

Coco Watchout: I was saving it for this promo. And I asked mom if she wants to meet you and she said, “No, I’m good.”

Trashyard Mutt: What is happening?

Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know how your wife said she was going to meet her friend for lunch week?

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, I know.

Coco Watchout: Well, she actually went to the fertility clinic. And guess what, not only is she pregnant, but you’ll never believe who the sperm donor is.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, boy.

Coco Watchout: Uncle Coco! Your unborn baby is both my nephew and my son. And you had no idea.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, my god! I’m gonna be sick.

[Trashyard Mutt runs out]

Coco Watchout: And that’s what the Coco is cooking.

World’s Most Evil Invention

Bobby Moynihan

Dr. Microknox… Kyle Mooney

Baroness Antarctica… Sasheer Zamata

Roy… Dwayne Johnson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]

Bobby: Order, order, my colleagues and calamity. I hereby call to order the meeting of the international mad scientists society. As you know, it is time for the mad scientists society’s annual most evil invention in the world contest.

All: Hear, hear, evil!

Bobby: Yes. Esteemed evil doers. You have had all year to work in your secret laboratories on an evil invention that will shock the entire world with it’s dastardly design. Who is first?

[Dr. Microknox walks forward with a gun that looks futuristic]

Dr. Microknox: [Laughing] I am Dr. Microknox. And the most evil invention in the world is my shrink ray.

All: Ooh!

Dr. Microknox: It can reduce a monument to the size of a toy. I will have the eiffel tower on my key chain and Mt. Rushmore as a paper weight.

Bobby: [evil laughter] Very evil, Dr. Microknox. I guess bad things do come in small packages. [evil laughter] Who is next?

[Baroness Antarctica walks forward with her gun]

Baroness Antarctica: I am Baroness Antarctica. My entry for world’s most evil invention is the freeze ray.

All: Ooh!

Baroness Antarctica: I shall incase all the world’s most famous monuments in solid ice.

Bobby: [evil laughter] How chillingly evil. Okay, who is next?

[Roy walks in with a tin robot]

Roy: Hey. Hi, guys. My name is Roy. And for the most evil invention in the world contest, I invented a child molesting robot.

[All scientists are confused]

Bobby: I beg your pardon. What?

Roy: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll speak up. It’s a robot that’s designed to molest children. And I call it Robochomo. You see, it’s powered by solar rechargeable fuel cells, cost pennies to manufacture and it can theoretically most twice as many children as a human molester in quite frankly half the time. So, um, do I win the contest? Seems like I win.

Baroness Antarctica: Oh, my god!

Roy: What’s wrong?

Baroness Antarctica: What’s wrong? My most evil idea was blizzard in July.

Roy: Right. Well, I went in a slightly different direction with the assignment.

Dr. Microknox: You built a mechanical sex predator.

Roy: Yes. Yes. yes. That’s exactly right. This guy gets it. You get it.

Dr. Microknox: Oh my god! No, I don’t!

Beck: How do you even build a child molesting robot?

Roy: Well, that’s a great question. What you do is you start by building a regular robot. Then you molest and hope it continues the cycle.

Beck: Dear lord almighty!

Dr. Microknox: That’s the most hideous thing I have heard in my life.

Roy: Oh, well. Thank you very much. You see, the shrink guy is with me all the way.

Dr. Microknox: Stop saying that.

Roy: You know, I want to remind you guys that in Webster’s dictionary, it defines evil as profoundly immoral.

Baroness Antarctica: We know what evil means.

Roy: Well, it doesn’t seem like you do because you built a freeze ray. I mean, Benito Mussolini used to force feed people castor oil until they literally died of diarrhea. I mean, that’s got to be there the goal posts are, right? Am I crazy or–?

Beck: I think someone should call the police.

Roy: Okay. Okay. Well, I think we all are getting hangry right now. Let’s break for lunch. I’ll buy you all a sandwich at the restaurant across the street.

Bobby: Get our of here now!

Roy: let’s just talk it over at the restaurant across the street with the medieval decor and the little miniature beef sandwiches.

Dr. Microknox: It’s a White Castle man! Just say White Castle. Who the hell calls White Castle a sandwich restaurant?

Roy: Okay. Well, you guys are mad. I’m sorry. I just wanted to win the contest. I guess I screwed up.

Bobby: No, Roy. You have nothing to apologize for. Yes, you made a robot that molests children. But you also made an important point here today. Things are always better with juicy beef and onion sandwiches from White Castle, America’s medieval sandwich restaurant.

[Cut to White Castle video bumper]

Male voice: White Castle, we’ll serve anybody!

Wingman

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Dwayne Johnson

Carlos… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Dwayne sitting at a bar.]

Bartender: Hey, another round, boss?

Dwayne: Um, yeah, I guess I could do one more.

Bartender: You’ve got it.

Dwayne: Thank you.

[Dwayne is looking at a girl at the next table]

Bartender: Looks like she’s alone. You should go talk to her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa! No no, no, no, no. No way, Jose. I can’t.

Bartender: Why? You married or something?

Dwayne: No, I’m just not good at approaching women. I get so nervous. I always mess it up. I men, my gosh. She’s beautiful, though.

Bartender: I’ll tell you what, I’m the perfect wingman. I’ll go over there and put in a good word for you.

Dwayne: Oh, no man! It’s okay. That’s too embarrassing.

Bartender: Come on! Come on!

Dwayne: No, no, no.

Bartender: Trust me. I got this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Good news, my friend.

Dwayne: What did she say?

Bartender: She’s into it. Yeah. She wants to have a threesome with us.

Dwayne: Hey! Wait, what?

Bartender: I made it happen. She’s into the threesome idea.

Dwayne: Wait, wait. What threesome idea? I don’t even know you.

Bartender: Oh! You don’t know her either. What’s the difference? She wants to hook up.

Dwayne: Okay. Well, tell her I want to hook up with her, but not a threesome.

Bartender: Alright! Alright! Okay. I’ll see what she says.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Alright, all cleared up. She’s willing to have sex with us one at a time, but says I get to go first.

Dwayne: What? Why do you keep putting yourself into this?

Bartender: Dude, I’m trying to wing you, man. You said you’re bad with women.

Dwayne: Okay, okay. Look, no offense but I’m only interested if she’s just her and me, not you.

Bartender: Uh, are you sure? That might piss her off.

Dwayne: Yeah, I’m sure. I’m positive.

Bartender: Okay. Your funeral.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again. It seems like the girl actually likes it better.] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: She’s not into it, man.

Dwayne: Really? Well, she was nodding a lot.

Bartender: Yeah, she said it has to be a threesome or one at a time with me going first and then again right after you.

Dwayne: What? No! No!

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Okay. Let’s see who else is in here.

Dwayne: No, no, no. Just forget it. Go away. No. No.

Bartender: Come on. Dude, hang on. I’m the wingman. I want to hook you up. [another girl walks in to the bar] Whoa, whoa, hang on. The redhead over there. She’s definitely into you.

[the girl is looking at Dwayne and smiling]

Dwayne: She is so hot.

Bartender: Say no more. I’ll go over and ask if she wants to do a threesome.

Dwayne: No, no. I don’t want a threesome.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. No threesomes.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Dwayne: What happened?

Bartender: She said she would only sleep with you if her girlfriend could join in too. But I told her you don’t do threesomes.

Dwayne: No, wait! No! No! Dude, go back there and tell them yes.

Bartender: Oh, so now you’re into it?

Dwayne: Yes, I’m into it! It’s two girls. Of course I’m into it.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Let me wing this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay. She said she’ll have a fivesome with us.

Dwayne: What? What’s a fivesome?

Bartender: You know. A five some. You and me, her and her girl and Carlos.

Dwayne: Who is Carlos?

[Carlos is standing behind Dwayne]

Carlos: Hey!

Dwayne: No, dude. No. Just forget it. Forget about it.

Bartender: Come on. I feel bad. I messed up. Give me one more shot.

[Bartender walks to another girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay, she’s into it.

Dwayne: Hey, just me and her?

Bartender: No, her and him.

Carlos: Hey!

Bartender: Yeah. You know, what can I say? Wingman strikes again. Ha-ha!

RKO Movie Set

Howard… Beck Bennett

Janet Charmpagne… Banessa Bayer

Brock Tenderson… Dwayne Johnson

Operator… Mikey Day

Sound Guy… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with some actors getting ready for filming in RKO Studios, 1948.]

Howard: Everyone, quiet on set. Alright, our stars have arrived. And we’re ready to shoot this thing. We are very lucky to have two of today’s biggest talents, Hollywood icon Janet Charmpagne and up-and-comer Brock Tenderson

Brock Tenderson: Ah, thank you, Howard. I’m very excited.

Janet Charmpagne: Yes, Howard. Thank you. What a treat. I missed RKO pictures almost as mush as I miss the three-bean salad in the commissary.

Howard: Hmm, alrighty! We’re starting with scene eight, everyone. Let’s go.

Brock Tenderson: You know, Janet, before we begin, I just wanna tell you that, um, to work with you is a dream for me.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, please. Treat me like a normal woman you would meet on the street. Deal?

Brock Tenderson: Deal.

Howard: Alright. Let’s try one.

[Operator walks in with a clapperboard]

Operator: ‘Murder by numbers.’ Scene eight. Take on.

Howard: And, action.

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson are acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? My husband’s trying to kill me.

Brock Tenderson: Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being hysterical. Now, go home to your husband and get some sleep.

Janet Charmpagne: No. You don’t understand. He wants me dead. Please. I don’t know who he is anymore. Please, just let me stay here with you. [Janet Charmpagne farts] Um, I’m sorry. I think I need to cut. I made a mistake.

Howard: Um, what was that, Janet?

Brock Tenderson: Um, I think she would like to cut.

Janet Charmpagne: Because I made a mistake. Did sound hear it? The mistake I made?

[The sound guy is nodding his head yes]

Let’s do it again. I am so sorry.

Brock Tenderson: Oh, well. I’m so thrilled to be here with you in this scene.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, good attitude. How wonderful is this man? This is going to be a good movie. Let’s do another one.

Operator: ‘Murder by Numbers’, scene eight.

Howard: And action!

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson start acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? [farts] My husband is trying to kill me. [farts] [walks to Janet Charmpagne] [whispering] Okay, just say your line.

Brock Tenderson: Okay. Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being comple– [Janet Charmpagne farts] completely hysterical. Go home to your husband and get some sleep. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Janet Charmpagne: I’m going to stop because I think I did too many mistakes in a row. I’m so sorry.

Brock Tenderson: You know, don’t say another word. I’m just happy to be here, breathing the same air as the Janet Charmpagne.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh! You’re sweet.

Howard: Are you ready to try again?

Janet Charmpagne: We are. And good news, I don’t think there will be any more mistakes. I think I’m out of them.

Brock Tenderson: Ah! Well, if that’s the case, I think this is going to be the one. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Janet Charmpagne: You’re a very classy man.

Brock Tenderson: And you are a one of a kind, shining star.

Janet Charmpagne: Then let’s make history. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Operator: ‘Murder by Numbers’, scene eight, take three.

Howard: And action.

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson start acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? My husband is trying to kill me. [whispering] I’m doing it.

Brock Tenderson: Thanks. Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being hysterical. Now, go home to your husband and get some sleep! [whispering] Oh my god! Well done.

Janet Charmpagne: I know. I’m controlling it. Please, I don’t know who he is anymore. Just let me stay here with you. Just or tonight. [Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson kiss]

Sound guy: Yep, no farts at all.

Howard: This is great.

Brock Tenderson: This is a start of something very dangerous.

Janet Charmpagne: [laughing] You’re telling me. [as Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson hug each other, Janet Charmpagne farts very long]

Howard: Cut!

Brock Tenderson: I’m sorry, Howard. That was me. That was my brand.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, stop it Brock. Taking the fall for my long mistake.

Brock Tenderson: Hey, as long as you’re a star, you make them as long as you want.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, stop being so marvelous all the time. Where did we find him? Are there more– [Janet Charmpagne farts] of him?

Sound guy: Are we on break? Because I could really use a cigarette.

[Sound guy pulls out a cigarette and a lighter. He’s about to light the cigarette]

Howard: Richie, no! Don’t!

[When the sound guy lights the fire, the studio explodes by the fart gas]