Office of the Speaker of the House

William… Drake

The Speaker… Taran Killam

Dick Patterson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with the Office of the Speaker of the House.]

William: Mr. speaker, how was your meeting with Donald Trump?

The Speaker: Well, it went very well, William, but between me and you, he still makes me very nervous.

William: Me too, sir.

The Speaker: Yeah, bud. It is mid-May. We don’t have time to find a third party candidate.

William: Actually, sir, I think I found the perfect guy. He’s a successful businessman.

The Speaker: That’s great.

William: He worked for Reagan in the 80s.

The Speaker: Oh, fantastic.

William: And he has the body of a baby.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, what was that last one?

William: Please meet Mr. Patterson, sir.

[Dick Patterson walks in. He is a full grown man who cannot control his body well like that of baby’s. He is moving his arms and legs everywhere.]

Dick Patterson: Hello. Don’t get up. I’ll come to you. There we go. Mr speaker, Dick Patterson. Pleased to meet you.

The Speaker: Pleasure is all mine. [Dick Patterson starts licking and sucking The Speaker’s hand] Oh, okay. William here was just telling me some wonderful things about you, Mr. Patterson. Uh, would you give us just one moment please?

[The Speaker walks to the corner with William]

William: Isn’t he great? I mean, he’s fresh faced. He’s experienced. The best of all, he’s young.

The Speaker: Yeah, exactly. How young is he? He’s 5The Speaker and nine months. And we’ve already done a thorough background check.

Dick Patterson: Oh, don’t worry. You won’t find any skeletons in my closet.

The Speaker: [reading Dick Patterson’s files] Alright, well let me take a look here.

[While Dick Patterson is reading the file, Dick Patterson cannot see his face covered by the file.]

Dick Patterson: Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is. He keeps disapp–

[Dick Patterson raises the file]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lower the file]

There he is. Found him.

The Speaker: Well, this all looks great. Now, Mr. Patterson. As you know, Donald Trump is technically our nominee, but uh, many people think we’d be better off putting a Turkey on the Supreme court.

[Dick Patterson laughs like a baby]

Dick Patterson: Very funny. Listen, I would be honored to represent this party. [Dick Patterson has his hands moving everywhere] I’m pro-life. I’m pro family and I’m pro guns. I’m actually carrying right now. [Dick Patterson shows a gun in his left hand which is moving everywhere. William and The Speaker are scared.]

The Speaker: Sit down. No, no, no, no, no.

Dick Patterson: Fair enough.

The Speaker: Now before this conversation can go any further, we’re going to need you to sign this confidentiality agreement.

Dick Patterson: Oh, sure. Yeah. Just put it on the floor.

[Dick Patterson lies down on the floor] [The Speaker puts the papers on the floor]

Alright. Let me take a look at this.

[Dick Patterson is looking at the paper]

Alright.

[Dick Patterson signs the papers very roughly]

All set.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, William. I just don’t know if this, we’ll call him man, is ready to be president.

William: Trust me sir. He’s committed. He’s passionate. He’s a hard worker. I mean, look how hard he’s working to get back onto his butt right now.

Dick Patterson: Look. I did it. [clapping for himself]

William: Speaker, I know we’re probably going to go with Trump, but Mr. Patterson would be an excellent backup. He’s tough. He’s prepared. And he’s, he’s, he’s taken off.

[Dick Patterson opens his pants. He’s wearing a diaper.]

Dick Patterson: Okay. There we go. That’s better.

William: Sir, sir, sir. You can just go ahead and put your pants back on if you will.

Dick Patterson: When I don’t want pants.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Mr. speaker. Sorry to interrupt. You have a two o’clock with Reince Priebus.

[Dick Patterson walks to Cecily]

Dick Patterson: Oh wow. Look at that hair.

[Dick Patterson starts pulling Cecily’s hair]

Cecily: Thank you.

Dick Patterson: Yeah. Really great hair. I love this.

[Cecily is in pain]

Cecily: Thank you so much.

[Cecily gets Dick Patterson’s hands off her hair]

Wow. Quite a grip you’ve got there, Mr. Patterson.

[Cecily leaves]

William: He may have the body of a baby, but his hands are much bigger and stronger than Trump’s if I had to say.

The Speaker: Oh, William. Well, Mr. Patterson, I guess I just have one question left for you. Do you actually want to be president? Think really hard about it.

Dick Patterson: Hmm. [thinking] Yes I do.

William: Alright, you’re our best option, so bring it in.

[William hugs Dick Patterson. Dick Patterson starts kissing William’s face]

Oh, that’s not what we– Oh, okay. I just asked for a hug, but this is fine too. He must be hungry and he’s trying to latch onto me.

The Speaker: [frustrated] It was great meeting you, Mr. Patterson. Enjoy your lunch.

Dick Patterson: I’m gonna eat peas.

[Dick Patterson crawls out] [The End]

Car Rental

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Malcom… Drake

Duan… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Vanessa and Beck entering the car rental]

Vanessa: Honey, there’s no line.

Beck: Amazing. Babe, I can’t wait to Gasper rental and spend our honeymoon driving down route one.

Vanessa: Oh, it’s going to be so beautiful.

[Malcolm speaking on the office phone]

Malcolm: Girl. What do you mean we break it up? Well, if you’d be responding to my texts on time, maybe I wouldn’t have gone home with her. I mean how was I supposed to know she was your twin. Y’all don’t even look alike. Call me when you start to get reasonable, man. Hah! Welcome to Premium. I’m Malcolm. This day is already off the rails. Did y’all hear any of that?

Vanessa: Um, a little bit.

Malcolm: Well, you know, a little bit goes a long way when you’re talking to an ice cold bitch. So… [laughing]

Beck: I see. Okay, well we have a reservation under Dale and Jeanine Robinson.

Vanessa: Oh, we should have a prepaid Ford Mustang convertible reserved. We’re on our honeymoon.

Malcolm: [laughing] Okay. Well, uh, look, there’s good news and there’s bad news. Uh, the bad news is we got no cars.

Beck: What?

Vanessa: What’s the good news?

Malcolm: You know, there really ain’t none. I mean, I figured you might have some for me. That’s what I was looking for.

Beck: This is ridiculous. Can you get your manager?

Malcolm: Oh, for real? So we bring it into that level now. All right partner, for you I’m gonna see what I could do. [Malcolm just looks at the manager’s door and turns back] Yeah, he ain’t available.

Vanessa: You just turned and faced the manager’s door.

Beck: Please get your manager.

Malcolm: If you say so. [Malcolm picks up the phone] Duan. I’ve got this couple up here making a stink man. I don’t know. It’s this beautiful bustin woman, but she with this done ass man right here. I don’t know what she’s doing with him. He must be packing some meat or something sugar.

Beck: Excuse me.

[Duan walks out of the manager’s room]

Duan: Hello, I’m Duan. Now what appears to be the problem?

Vanessa: My husband prepaid for a Ford Mustang convertible and we’re being told you have no cars.

Duan: Well, this is all unbeknownst to me. Malcom.

Malcolm: Huh?

Duan: Where are our cars?

Malcolm: Shoot. Oh man. I’m wrapped up in my own situation. You don’t. My girlfriend took a pregnancy test today and it said neither.

Duan: Ooh, Malcolm’s going through it. I’m gonna go take an early lunch.

[Duan turns around and starts walking away]

Beck: Excuse me. Can you just get us our car first?

Duan: No, I needs to eats my turner. All right. That is good for my hair and you know, I like to keep my hair on point. Look at me. I’m breautiful

Malcolm: Yeah. You know, Duan had the alopecia until he went to the hair club?

Duan: Don’t be telling my secrets.
Malcolm: I know bigger secrets in that.

Duan: Is that a threat?

Malcolm: I’m just saying you got plenty words to worry.

Duan: I know that’s right.

Vanessa: Where is our car?

Duan: Oh, did Malcolm not find it for you? Malcolm. Malcolm. Find them a car.

Malcolm: Ah! Look Duan there’s the zero cars in the computer, man.

Duan: Well, did you look out the window? I’m gonna go look out the window. [Duan walks to the window and looks outside] Looks like there’s a Vanessa99Beck, uh, Ford Tempo out there right now. Oh wait, that’s mine. Ooh, that looks really good from here. Shoo. I need to start appreciating what I got.

Beck: Excuse me. My wife asked you about our car.

Duan: Sir. This whole situation is unbeknownst to me. Let me look in the hinder in the computer? Malcolm, move your ass. Let me get in your station.

[Duan pressed the buttons using his pen for several times]

Oh, let’s see. Okay. Oh, here’s something. Yes, there are absolutely no cars.

Vanessa: This is our honeymoon.

Malcolm: Man. Duan, you’re going to have to take this man? I didn’t have my fill of emotion today. Boy. My uncle tried to get me to sell his RV on Craigslist. You ever tried to do that? It’s next to impossible!

Vanessa: What are you talking about?

Beck: You upset my wife.

Duan: Oh baby. Honey, this whole situation is unbeknownst to me. So I’ma tell you what I’m going to do. I will give you the keys to my Ford Tempo. And how about this for a deal? I’m going to charge you the full normal rate for 2015 Mustang convertible?

Beck: What? No.

Duan: All right. That’s fair. I guess that would make in the sense. How about this? You take my Tempo. You drop me off in my show tonight. You take some publicity shots of me on stage from my blurb. You do your little road trip and then you return the car whenever. Just fill up the tank. That’s all I ask. Here. [gives Beck the keys]

Beck: Fine! Whatever.

Duan: Happy honeymoon.

Malcolm: Happy honeymoon.