Proud Parents

Debbie… Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Mrs. Pine… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Pine… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Obi… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Obi… Daniel Kaluuya

Nick… Andrew Dismukes

David… Chris Redd

[Starts with a group of people walking to the living room after having a meal.]

Debbie: Wow, what a lovely meal this was.

Beck: Absolutely. This was my first time having Nigerian food and I must say, it is delicious.

Mrs. Pine: Oh. Hard agree. Pearl, you have to share that stew recipe with me.

Mr. Pine: Why? You know it’s not gonna taste the same when you do it. [laughing]

Mrs. Obi: Oh, come on. Linda, I am sure your stew will be very good.

Mr. Obi: Next time, she will make you a Ugandan dish. I’m the luckiest person because I get to enjoy her cooking every day.

Debbie: Well boys, you should be proud of yourselves. First year of college in the camp.

Beck: Now, I hate to be that dad but Nick actually won an award for his final project.

All: Really?

Nick: It’s nothing really. It’s just a piece I made in postmodern sculpting class.

Debbie: We actually brought it. [showing the sculpture.]

Mrs. Pine: Wow!

Mr. Pine: Kind of takes your breath away.

Mr. Obi: That’s fantastic. I’m proud to say I know the next Picasso.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. Nick, it looks like you’re going to be a famous artist some day.

Nick: Oh. Thanks, Mr. and Mr.s Obi.

Debbie: And how are things going over for you over at Drexel, David?

Mr. Obi: Oh, David is studying to be a medical doctor. We are very proud of him. Paging Dr. Obi.

Mrs. Obi: David, why don’t you tell everyone about your pre-med classes? He is excelling in chemistry.

David: Well, I actually changed my major to creative writing.

[plot change music playing]

Mrs. Obi: You did what?

David: I changed my major to creative writing.

Mr. Obi: Creative who?

David: Creative write-ing.

Mr. Obi: God forbid.

Mrs. Obi: What is ‘creative write-ing’?

David: Something I’m really passionate about. I actually won the ‘Promising Young Writer’ award.

Debbie: Oh, that’s fantastic.

Beck: Nice, buddy.

Mrs. Obi: Oh, yes, very nice, buddy. And award? Can you pay your bills with an award?

Mr. Obi: Can you buy a house with an award?

Mrs. Obi: ‘Promising young writer’. Who promised you what?

David: When Nick said he won an award, you guys said he was going to be famous.

Mr. Obi and Mrs. Obi: We were lying.

Mr. Obi: Look at his ridiculous sculpture.

Mrs. Obi: This ugly thing. Very, very ugly. Mark my words. In two years, Mr. Picasso here is going to be a bag boy at Trader Joe’s.

Debbie: Hey! You know we’re right here.

Mrs. Obi: Debby, it’s true, honey.
Mr. Obi: Son. You are born to be a doctor.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. What kind of job will you get with creative writing?

David: I could be an author.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: No.

David: A journalist.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: No.

David: A professor.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: Hell no.

Debbie: Hey, those sound like great careers.

Mrs. Obi: No, Debbie. They’re not. [to David] You can become a doctor for 40 or 50 years, and then do your writing once you retire.

Beck: You know guys? The world needs poets too.

Mr. Obi: Yes. If there’s anything we have learned from the pandemic, it’s that the world needs more poets.

Mrs. Pine: I think it’s beautiful that you’re discovering your own interest, David.

David: Thanks, Mrs. Pine.

Mrs. Obi: Okay, Linda Pine. Why don’t you take him?

Mrs. Pine: Excuse me?

Mr. Obi: David is your’s now.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. Since you think it’s so beautiful that he won’t be a doctor, he can be your son.

Mrs. Pine: Oh, I don’t think–

Mrs. Obi: Oh! She doesn’t think. Hah!

Mr. Obi: So, you also don’t want a son that’s not a doctor.

David: Ma and dad, I’m just not passionate about being a doctor.

Mrs. Obi: Okay. If you really don’t want to be a doctor… You have to!

Debbie: You guys haven’t even read any of his written yet.

Beck: Yes. David, maybe you can read one of your poems.

David: Sure, I’d be happy to. [stands up] This poem, I won an award for. It’s called ‘My sorrow’. [opens a sheet of paper and starts reading]

I wake up and my emotions are as blue as blue paint

[he sits down]

Mrs. Pine: That’s it?

David: Yes.

Mr. Pine: You know, ain’t nothing wrong with being a doctor, David.
Mrs. Pine: Yeah.

Debbie: How about a toast? Here’s to Nick and David. To promising young artists.

[Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi are also raising their glasses, but they’re very pissed off. They break their glasses.]

Mr. Obi: Oh, no. We are bleeding.

Mrs. Obi: Oh, is there a poet in the house? Someone call a poet!

Mr. Obi: Call a poet!

Half Brother

Kenan Thompson

Dale… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Lars… Daniel Kaluuya

Jolene… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with five adults raising their glasses]

All: Happy birthday to you.

Kenan: Thank you, you guys.

Dale: Hey, you’re turning 69, right?

Kenan: Dale! Leave it to Dale to make a nasty, nasty joke.

Dale: Guilty as charged!

Kenan: Well, I may laugh but I don’t like it.

Aidy: Well, anyway. Thank you so much for being here. You all are such a dear friends.

Lars: Only friends here?

Jolene: Yeah, only friends? Or–

Kenan: Oh. Yes. My half brother, Lars.

Lars: Half brother, full Facebook friend.

Kenan: That’s right. And his partner, Jolene.

Jolene: Yeah, easy to remember. Like, the whore from the song.

Kenan: So, yeah. Thank you both for driving all the way from the tip top of Canada.

Lars: No offense, but who’s going to make this a real party? You know what I mean?

Aidy: Oh! You don’t mean drugs, do you?

Jolene: Well, think sexier.

Dale: Oh-oh! Sounds like they hired a stripper.

Kenan: No! No! I said no nasty!

Lars: No. She’s not a stripper, but she’s nude, beautiful, and she lets you grab her by the neck and slap her around. It’s my upright bass. [there’s a upright bass at the side]

Aidy: Oh, look honey. He moved our entire media center and put his upright bass there.

Lars: Don’t worry. All your crap is in the bathroom. Now, who wants to play my upright bass?

Ego: Probably no one.

Lars: Well, I do.

Jolene: Well, if you’re going to play upright bass, who’s going to do spoken word poetry? [pointing at Aidy] You?

Aidy: No. No, I don’t like where this is going.

Ego: Yeah. Where is it going?

Kenan: Well, I think my half brother and his wife are going to perform some jazz thing.

Jolene: Well, feel free to snap along anyone. [Lars and Jolene get ready to perform] I think you’ll know where we picked this one.

Lars: This is for you, half brother. On your birthday.

[Lars starts playing the bass]

Jolene: [poetry] Kitty’s on the sand with the shackles on his hand
coz kitty stole the bacon and the bacon’s for the taking.

Lars: He stole it for the lover but lover found another

Jolene: He never did confess but they fried them nonetheless

Lars and Jolene: Zaba-duba-de, now, meow!

Lars: Happy birthday.

Kenan: Wow. That was amazing. Thank you.

Jolene: No, no. We don’t deserve all that. Come on. We can do better.

Lars: See, normally when we do this, we’re just made love in any old way.

Jolene: Yeah, you know how it goes. Twisted around, up side down, magic night gowns. But that’s all over. We are getting the big old D-I-V-O-R-C. Anybody knows that that spells?

Aidy: Well, you almost spelled divorce.

Lars: And we’re almost divorced.

Jolene: Yeah. We tried to fix things with an open marriage but he forgot to tell me about it.

Lars: I could have sworn I mentioned it.

Jolene: Nope. Well, thank you both. We enjoyed whatever that was you did. And I’m sorry about your divorce.

Jolene: No, no, no. don’t be. I mean, the marriage might be over but we still got the band. Hey, let’s prove it.

Ego: No need.

[Lars starts playing the bass]

Jolene: [poem] Tony Loney Money had a lonely horoscony
his name was way too long to fit on a tombstoney

Lars: The grumpy old crooney, the thought everyone was phoney
so no one was around when he choked his baloney

Lars and Jolene: Shapa-shapa-shapa-duray-meow!

Aidy: Well, thank you so much for you jazz beat. I think we’re good.

Jolene: And?

Dale: Sorry about your divorce.

Lars: But?

Ego: We’re the glad the band is still together?

Lars: Because?

Kenan: We liked it?

Jolene: And now you want an?

Aidy: Encore? Oh no! Why did I say that?

Kenan: I guess this is how I’m spending my first birthday out of quarantine.

[Lars starts playing bass]

Jolene: [poem] Nothing could be slicker than rabbit drinking liquor

Lars: But when he hit the jicker adding whiskey in his picker

Dale: Okay, I like it now.

Jolene: It just lay there like a worm refusing to perform.

Lars and Jolene: Rabbity-scabbity-rabbity ray
rabbity-scabbity not today

meow!

Ego: Why does it always end with meow?

Dale: I don’t know. Ask them.

Aidy: Hey, where did they go? [they’re not there]

Kenan: I think they’re having sex in our bedroom.

Ego: How do you know?

Kenan: Well, they left the door open and I can see everything.

Aidy: Okay. Should we just do presents?

Kenan: I guess.

Lars and Jolene: [shouting in another room] Shaba-shaba-do-ray-meow!

Aidy: Oh my god!

Kenan: No, no. Don’t look. That’s what they want.

Frat Trip

Beck Bennett

Pledge… Andrew Dismukes

Austin… Chris Redd

Matt… Bowen Yang

Gael… Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

Daniel Kaluuya

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of college boys hanging out]

Beck: Oh, Pledge!

[Pledge walks in wearing a baby hat]

Pledge: Yes, Ford.

Beck: Go to the Pi Phi sorority house and take a number two in their downstairs bathroom.

Pledge: As you command. Oh, man. Those girls are so pretty.

[Pledge walks out] [Austin walks in]

Austin: Yo, second dose, mother-suckers. It’s official! Austin is vaccinated!

All: Yeah!

Matt: We need to celebrate.

Gael: Yeah. Yo! I have a bomb idea. Weekend before finals, we should rent a house in Tahoe.

All: Yeah!

Matt: If we do that, I will do coke. Okay? I know I was super anti-coke earlier in the year, but I’ll do it. Someone else has to buy it though.

Alex: Okay. Let’s Airbnb a bombass place.

Pete: Ay, should we tell Brit and those girls to come?

Daniel: Yeah. We could invite our moms.

Austin: [shocked] You said moms?

Daniel: Yeah, it’s mother’s day weekend, man. What better way to celebrate than spending time with their sons? This is dope! Let’s do it!

Kyle: Yeah, I’m not really feeling the mom aspect of the plan. But I like everything else.

Gael: Yeah. Alright, we doing this then. I’ll start looking for a place.

Kyle: I’ll text them honeys, let them know Tahoe’s going off.

Daniel: I’ll get a Facebook group chat going with the moms so that they can connect with each other.

Gael: Yeah. Maybe hold off on that chat because I don’t know if the group’s feeling the ‘mom’ thing, dude!

Beck: Oh, yo! Dude! Oh my god! Yo!! T-shirts that say ‘Sigma Delta Tahoe Trip 21.

Kyle: That’s so baller! Rolling up in our shirts like, “Sup, Tahoe?”

Daniel: My mom’s a size medium.

Matt: Yo, my mom will say she’s a medium but get her a large.

Gael: Yo, stop! I don’t know how the ‘mom’ thing is gaining traction. Right? No moms, right?

Pete: Yeah. Everybody Venmo me 50 bucks and I’ll make a Cosco run. What do we want?

Alex: Beers, pal. Like Bud and fancy one like Amstel.

Beck: Yeah, get one of those big plastic vodka handles too.

Daniel: And maybe grab like, a couple of 24 packs of Activia for the moms.

Pete: Oh, good call. What flavor?

Kyle: Ayo! Brit’s asking me if the girls’ moms are invited too?

Daniel: Hell, yeah! More moms, the merrier.

Gael: Yo! No! No more mom talk. Because the more the mom stuff comes up, the more the moms become the part of this plan in everyone’s head. This is a Sigma Delta trip. Alright? Let’s focus. So, Thursday night, we get there. Like, we drop our bags. I feel like we go out right away.

Alex: Yeah. Boys’ night out!

Austin: Yeah. Because the moms are going to be tired from traveling. So they’ll probably want to chill at the house.

Daniel: True. Specially if someone’s flying in.

Gael: Guys, stop.

Beck: Oh, hell yeah. You can rent a pontoon boat for Austin0 people.

Matt: [hyper excited] Yes! Yes! Let’s ride one. We have to. Let’s ride one. Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

Beck: We will, Matt. Chill.

Pete: Hey, do pontoon boats have sun shade thing on the top? Because my mom won’t go unless she sits on the shade.

Daniel: Yeah. My mom wouldn’t be feeling that direct sun either, man.

Gael: Yeah. It doesn’t matter if they’re not feeling it because they’re not coming, right? You’re not going to want them there by the way when we’re chilling here in our house for the weekend! [showing everyone the rented house on laptop]

All: Oh! Yeah!

Daniel: And Jinx! I give you the moms on a group FaceTime call.

[puts the video call on TV]

Moms: We are so excited!

Kate: Brad! Honey, you look skinnier. You eating?

Aidy: Dylan, you need to sleep more. You look exhausted.

Cecily: Gael, I’m going to wear a two piece bathing suit. Will that embarrass you?

Gael: I mean, I don’t know. It kind of would, mom.

Cecily: Well, I’m wearing it!

Daniel: This weekend’s gonna be epic!

Gael: No! No, it’s not, dude! It’s gonna suck!

[Cut to picture of Gael and his mom enjoying the party getting drunk.]

 

Spring Break Game Show Cold Open

Cece Vuvuzela… Maya Rudolph

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Poots… Ego Nwodim

Lego… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV Spring Break live at Miami beach where the party don’t stop until the government mandated curfew. Next stop, it’s the number one game show for hot infectious singles – “Snatched! Vaxed! or Waxed!”

[cheers and applause] [cut to Cece hosting the show]

Cece: Yes. Whoo! What’s up? Oh, what’s up, you guys? I am your host Cece Vuvuzela. I am here at beautiful Miami beach during global pandemic. We are so close to the end. Let’s ruin it! Okay, guys. When I say fourth, you say wave. Fourth!

Contestants: Wave!

Cece: Let’s go! Whoo! Today, three contestants will try and guess if our hidden lovely ladies are snatched – meaning the physique be right and tight, vaxed – and they got the anti-bodies-yadi-yadies, or waxed – a.k.a. smooth like a seal. That’s weird. Our equally important qualities. Ready boys?

Kyle: [excited] Oh, hell yeah!

Beck: Born this way.

Chris: My homie got me the vaccine two years ago. So, I’ve been straight for a minute.

Cece: Why don’t we meet our first covid cutie?

Madison: Hi, I’m Madison. I go to the university of high school where I major in home room. I’m here in Miami to either get covid or get laid.

Cece: Um, that’s good. Don’t let the pandemic change your priorities, right? What do you think, boys?

Kyle: That’s the voice of a girl with a small hard body if you please, ma’am. So, I’ma say snatched.

Beck: That sounded like a girl I hooked up with earlier today, so based off that I gotta say waxed.

Chris: Yo, she sounds like she’s down for anything crazy. So, I’ma say she got vaxed.

Cece: Tell em’ your deal.

Madison: I’m on Florida Adderal, man! So yeah, I’m snatched.

Cece: Oh, you guessed correct which means the two of you are headed to club Syph. With a capacity of 2,000, this place is literally on fire every night. Just make sure you go on before 10 because that’s when the cops stop firing pepper balls into your face.

Madison: Oh, pepper ball sounds fun. Let’s go do one.

[Madison and Kyle leave]

Cece: Snatched, Vaxed or waxed is brought to you by Spirit Airlines. “$10 flight to Miami. Don’t worry, we keep the windows open.” And AstraZeneca. “We put the ass in vassine”. Let’s meet our next hottie with the body.

Poots: Hey, I’m Poots and it’s technically not my spring break because I’m still going to Zoom school to be a therapist. Um-hmm, yeah, sorry sir, but you crazy. I’m gonna be a doctor.

Cece: Umm, what do we think, boys?

Chris: She sounded smart, so I gotta go with waxed.

Beck: I know she don’t want herpes, so I’m gonna say vaxed.

Cece: Uh-uh, neither of you guessed correctly. So, Poots is headed out on a date to the Versace Murder Steps all by herself.

Poots: I don’t wanna go there.

Cece: It’s not optional. Enjoy Miami. Let’s meet our final pandemic princess.

Lego: What’s up? I’m Lego and I actually can’t wear a mask coz it irritates my cold sores. So, I am anti-vaxed and anti-max. But I am laxed.

Chris: What are you saying?

Lego: I’m in laxed place.

Chris: Okay. You know what? She made a point saying she’s anti-vaxed. But I think she’s just flirting. So, I’ma say vaxed.

Cece: Oh, no, come on. You guys know no one partying in Miami is vaxed. [siren] Oh-oh, you know what that siren means.

Beck: [wearing his police vest] I’m actually a cop and that siren means I’m on duty now.

Cece: No. It means we take a shot and keep the party going. Please welcome people’s cousin Leopard.

[starting the party. Chris and Lego start danging]

Chris: Alright, alright, everybody out. Everybody out. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Cece: Oh, no, smoke bombs. That means they’re closing the bridges. We gotta go. I am Cece and it was all worth it. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Choreographers

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Lauren Hault

Richard Perquest… Kenan Thompson

Tania Katank… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Beck passing the news to the dance crew]

Beck: Okay dancers, gather around. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but just when we got the clear to go back in the rehearsal, our choreographer tested positive for covid. Turns out you can get it from kissing.

Chris: Okay. Well, Fauci should have said that.

Lauren: Not to worry because I’ve found a last minute replacement. While Jenet is in quarantine, please welcome our new choreographer, Richard Perquest.

[Richard Perquest walks in limping.]

Richard Perquest: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good morning hoopers. I am Richard Perquest and I am honored to do anything I can to help broadway get back to it’s dancing feet. So, I hope you’re ready to sweat, jump and stretch.

Beck: Wait. Donna, I’m so sorry. I thought I was supposed to hire the choreographer. I hired Tania Katank.

Richard Perquest: Did you say Tania Katank?

[Tania Katank walks in]

Tania Katank: He sure did. And is that Richard Perquest? No, no, no, no. Tania Katank doesn’t work with Richard Perquest.

Richard Perquest: Oh contrary, it is Richard Perquest that does not share the stage with Tania Katank. Not anymore.

Lauren: Wow. Sorry for the mix up. But I guess we’ll go with Richard since he was here first.

Tania Katank: What? Are you serious? He’s a hack, he’s a quack and he’s got a bad back.

Richard Perquest: Excuse me. You cannot talk to me like that. Do you seriously think that you are a better choreographer than me?

Tania Katank: Does this answer your question? [dancing] Ba-ba-ba-ba-cuk.

Richard Perquest: Alright. That is it, Katank. May I speak to you in private by that big water bottle?

Tania Katank: Um, the water cooler?

Richard Perquest: No, by that big bottle of water.

Tania Katank: That’s a water cooler.

Richard Perquest: I don’t care what it is. Just meet me there.

[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk to the water cooler]

Tania Katank: What?

[romantic music playing]

Richard Perquest: [holding Tania Katank’s shoulders] I miss you. I want to be with you.

Tania Katank: You do? You want to be with me?

Richard Perquest: Yes. I made a huge mistake. I miss your skin, your bones, your hair and your eyes. I want to be with you.

Tania Katank: Oh. Like, when I used to go into the garden with no shorts on and bend over to pick carrots and you’d see everything?

Richard Perquest: Yes. Show it to me again. I want to be with you.

Beck: [looking confused] Okay.

Chloe: Are we on break? Because it seems like we’re on break.

Beck: No. We’re not on break. Mr. Perquest, Ms. Katank, have we come to an agreement?

[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk close holding their hands]

Tania Katank: Yes. We’ll do it together.

Lauren: Well, we can only pay one of you.

Tania Katank: Then the deal’s off.

Richard Perquest: what?

Tania Katank: You heard me. Katank takes care of Katank.

Richard Perquest: Jesse-belle.

Andrew: Are we dancing today or not? Because I want to show off.

Richard Perquest: May I see you by that black end window?

Tania Katank: The what?

Richard Perquest: The black end window.

Tania Katank: You mean the chalkboard?

Richard Perquest: I don’t care what it is. Just meet me there.

[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk to the chalkboard] [romantic music playing]

Tania Katank: What?

Richard Perquest: I need to be with you. I need to be all over you.

Tania Katank: You do? All over me? Everywhere?

Richard Perquest: Yes. I want to be on you like food on a plate.

Tania Katank: Like when I used to go into the chicken coop without my skirt and I’d bend over to talk to a chicken and you could see everything?

Richard Perquest: Yes. Show it to me now.

Tania Katank: No. Alright. No. I’ll show you just a little bit of it.

Lauren: No. Please don’t do that.

Beck: It would be great if one of you would just start choreographing the show.

[Richard Perquest and Tania Katank walk near holding hands]

Richard Perquest: I will do it and I will give the money to her.

Tania Katank: Why? Because you’re the man? Forget it, Perquest, you sexist. The deal’s off.

Richard Perquest: What? May I see you by that picture of JonBenét Ramsey?

Tania Katank: That’s not JonBenét Ramsey. That’s a poster of Anne.

Richard Perquest: I don’t care who it is. Just meet me there.

Chris: No! We are not gonna let you ruin our show because you two can’t resolve your differences.

Richard Perquest: Fine. You want to see a dance? I’ll show you a dance.

Tania Katank: Hah! Well, I can’t wait to see this.

Richard Perquest: Well, you’re about to see it. And this is the first count of eight. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the cap, tap the foot, pop the hip, pop the hip, point the toe.

[Beck’s jaw is dropping]

Tania Katank: Again! Do it again.

Richard Perquest: My pleasure. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the hat–

Tania Katank: Wait, wait. Not so fast. Bring me with you.

Richard Perquest: With pleasure. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the hat, tap the foot, pop the hip, pop the hip, point the toe. Come on everybody. Let’s save the broadway. [everyone joins him] Five, six, seven, eight. Pop the hip, point the toe, pop the hip, tip the cap, tap the foot, pop the hip, pop the hip, point the toe.

Lauren: This is bad, right?

Beck: Very.

Richard Perquest: [to Tania Katank] Now, will you show me everything?

Tania Katank: Everything.

Bachelor Party

Nick Jonas

Mickey… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with couple of buys having a bachelor’s party]

Nick: Hey, listen up. Hey, listen. To Mickey’s last few days of freedom.

All: Yes.

Nick: Hell yes.

Kyle: Hey, I always thought you were going to marry Trisha Kentworth from Mrs. Christianson’s class.

Mikey: What?

Mickey: Yeah. It’s something from growing up.

Nick: Well, I just want to say you’re an amazing friend and I’m really proud to be your best man.

All: Cheers!

[doorbell ringing]

Nick: Oh, could that be the pizzas?

[Nick runs to answer open the door]

Mickey: What? No. Please tell me you didn’t. No. You guys. Oh my god.

[Two women wearing tight leather dresses walk in with pizza boxes]

Ego: Did someone order an extra large sausage?

Heidi: I might have to blow on it. [takes a whip out of the pizza box] [Ego and Heidi start dancing]

Mickey: [to Nick] Hey, man, this is really special. Thank you.

Nick: Of course, man.

[Everything turns dar and spotlight turns on Mickey] [music playing]

Mickey: [singing] Well, I’m gonna marry the woman that I love
but first a tradition long spoken of
I’ve waited for this moment all of my life
to get hard with my friends before I marry my wife

Bowen: I’m drinking beer and hard alcohol
getting hard with my brother in law

Now I see what my sister sees
coz he’s got a boner next to me

Nick: I’m getting hard with my homies
boned up next to my pals
you only get one bachelor party
might as well spend it around

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends

one night away from our lame ass lives
we’ll get hard and then it all ends

[the women are looking confused]

Nick: Oh, I got to plan the evening
his last night as a free man

but getting in trouble with the guys
yes, that was my only plan

Alex: I needed this, oh I needed this
I’m married with kids and I needed this
I must get woody all my night away
coz if I don’t then I think I’ll go cray

All: Boner, boner, boner,
that’s what tonight’s all about
every single tent is pitched
except for the guy who passed out

Kyle: I’m the friend from home
I’m feeling like a loner
these guys don’t get our inside jokes
that’s why I need my boner
coz it don’t matter where you’re from
just get a hard on and sing along

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends
we all got hard in one big room
and we’re never discussing again

Mickey: These are my best friends
my brotherhood, my crew
and we honor a timeless tradition
my dad got hard with his friends too

Nick: Um, amazing job, ladies.

Ego: We didn’t do anything.

Heidi: Yeah, you just sang about your stiffy ding dongs the whole time.

Mickey: Ha-ha. Come on, break it in, guys. Come here.

Kyle: I love you, Micky.

Mickey: I love you guys.

The Job Interview

Donald… Regé-Jean Page

Mr. Foster… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Donald getting in for the interview]

PA: [opening the door] You can go right in.

Mr. Foster: Hey there, you must be Donald.

Donald: Honor to meet you, Mr. Foster.

Mr. Foster: Please. Mr. Foster was my father. Call me Mr. Foster Jr.

Donald: I have to say, in person job interviews, pretty rare these days.

Mr. Foster: Well, here at Mix Marshall Media, we don’t exactly play by the rules. but I’m sure you’re aware of that.

Donald: Yes. I was very intrigued by the company. I’ve never heard of ad agency that works on spec. So, you make ads for companies that didn’t hire you to make ads?

Mr. Foster: That’s right. Sounds like a terrible business model, but trust me, business is booming.

[PA runs in with a note. The note says, “We’re losing millions”.]

So, I take you’ve seen some of our work? What are some of your favorites?

Donald: Well, the ones on your wall are all classics. “Charmin, use after you poop.”

Mr. Foster: Yeah, they passed on that.

Donald: “Lego, bet you can’t eat just one.”

Mr. Foster: That was a pass that later became a lawsuit.

Donald: And “Doritos 4D, open wide.”

Mr. Foster: [whispering] 4D is a D.

Donald: And I can’t help but notice, it’s not your only ad to feature a penis.

Mr. Foster: Unfortunately, we had to blur them to stand.

Donald: Oh, so they did air on TV?

Mr. Foster: Oh, no. For courtroom standards. For the lawsuits.

[Pa runs in with a note. The note says, “They have your daughter”.]

Hmm.

Donald: Your website also says you invent mascots for companies?

Mr. Foster: That’s correct. You know how our Planters had Mr. Peanut? Well, we approached Maxwell House coffee about creating Mrs. Maxwell.

Donald: And you chose Ghislaine Maxwell? The associate of Jeffery Abstein?

Mr. Foster: That’s what Maxwell House said. Well, they yelled at our lawyer.

[PA runs in with a note. The note says, “Your mom is topless in the lobby”.

She’s early.

Tell me, why do you think you’re MMM material? Sorry, I stuttered. Material.

Donald: Well, I worked for six years  at BBDO.

Mr. Foster: Ah! That’s a great firm.

Donald: No. BBDO, the dating app. Big Beautiful Dongs Only.

Mr. Foster: Oh. That’s a great app.

Donald: And then I saw that you guys were looking for a new art director and I thought, “Well, what’s the harm in applying?”

[PA runs in with a note, this time for Donald. The note says, “Hi.”]

Mr. Foster: Did you bring your portfolio?

Donald: I did.

[showing his portfolio]

Mr. Foster: [reading] “UPS, go fetch.” And he’s throwing the package into the ocean?

Donald: Yeah. That’s why it gives you the sense the package is going all around the world.

Mr. Foster: And I like how the waves are going in the wrong direction.

Donald: [showing different picture] Here’s another one. The all new Chevy Bolt.

Mr. Foster: [reading] “Move over, Usain Bold. There’s a new Bolt in town.” And the car’s running over you saying “Bolt”.

Donald: Yeah. Cuts him in half, then it laughs. That’s what the “Ha-ha-ha” is.

Mr. Foster: Right. I love that detail. And I’m guessing so will Chevy.

Donald: And here’s one for eBay. [showing another picture] And again, some of the art is temp.

Mr. Foster: [reading] “eBay, too bad you can’t sell women on this site… or can you?” And then there’s a lightbulb.

Donald: To show that it’s a great idea.

Mr. Foster: Well, you’ve given us a lot to think about. And by us, I mean me. And by a lot, I mean a little. Say, that’s that last drawing you’ve got in there?

[Donald covers the drawing]

Donald: Oh, it’s nothing.

Mr. Foster: Oh, come on. Let me see it.

Donald: [intense voice] I said, it’s nothing.

Mr. Foster: [intense voice] And I said, let me see it.

Donald: You know what? I think I got something else I’d rather show you. [puts his hand inside his jacket pocket]

Mr. Foster: So do I.

[they both pull out a sponge stick and start hitting each other] [PA runs in]

PA: Stop it, you’ll kill each other.

Mr. Foster: Not bad.

Donald: Yeah, not bad yourself. You know what? I think you’ve earned this. [showing the last drawing]

Mr. Foster: [looking at the drawing] It’s an ad for Netflix. It’s perfect.

Donald: Yeah, I know. And now, I think my work here is done.

[Donald puts on his had, then disappears.]

PA: He took my hat.

Mr. Foster: Forget about your hat. Get Kevin Netflix on the phone and tell him I’m about to save his company.

[cut to the ad]

Male voice: Netflix, we have porn now.

Sea Shanty

Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Regé-Jean Page

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Johnny Fitzlafet… Bad Bunny

Ship fielder… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching History channel. At nine, it’s “Trimming a Tyrant: Hitler’s Hairdresser”. But now, it’s “Songs of the Sea”

[Cut to show intro]

Male voice: Sea shanties may be the latest viral trend on TikTok, but they began as work songs on the square-rigged ships of the Age of Sail. Here’s a reenactment of a shanty sung abroad the whaling vessel, the SS Gillenpool.

[Cut to the show. There are men on a ship working and doing their parts.]

Andrew: [walking in with a backpack] Oh, the day has finally arrived. My first journey on a whaling ship.

Alex: Ha-ha! Look at him, all excited.

Beck: Still in short pants.

Bowen: Doesn’t have his sea legs.

Kenan: Oh, his curly hairs.

All: Laughing.

Rege: Ah! You’ll get the hang of it, Greenhorn.

Kyle: We sing to make the work easier.

Mikey: What do you say, boys?

Kenan: Heave-ho!

Rege: [singing] There once was a ship called the Fiddle Dee Dee
The ship has been about
103
we left our wives and we went to the sea
for we all love life on the waves

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro

for now we’re off to sea

Andrew: Oh, the life I’ve always dreamed. I’m living it.

Rege: We all are, boy. You’re lucky to find yourself aboard the finest vessel with the finest crew!

All: Yeah!

Rege: Tell him where we’re headed, boys.

Beck: [singing] First we go to Hawaii shore
then up to Alaska, then back to Hawaii
China, Brazil, then Alaska again
the trip takes eighteen months

Andrew: What?

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the meat is bugs and the beer is bugs
my will is bugs and my friends are bugs
and I’ll be eating my friends, Ho!

Andrew: That doesn’t sound fun at all.

Rege: Oh, trust me, boy, there’s nothing more fun than life on a boat. Right boys?

All: Yeah!

Kenan: [singing] Does anyone else not feel so good?
I’ve never been on a boat before
does it do this the whole time?
I’m going to go lay down

Mikey: I drank a bunch of salt water
and I don’t feel good and I feel really weird
and my stomach really hurts and I’m seeing ghosts
may I please go lay down?

Bowen: Crap, you guys, I got a splinter
we don’t have a cure for that
the only cure is cutting off your head
I guess I’m going to die

All: Ho-ho, we don’t have food
we can’t catch fish and we didn’t bring water
we also forgot the anchor, oops
does anyone know where we are? Ha!

Andrew: Wait, does anyone know where we are?

Rege: Of course. Just ask our navigator – Johnny Fitzlafet.

[Johnny Fitzlafet walks out]

Johnny Fitzlafet: Ola! The ocean is that way and that way and behind us and kind of all around.

Andrew: Do you even have a map?

Johnny Fitzlafet: Hell yeah, I got the map right here. [Johnny Fitzlafet pulls out a paper. He unrolls it. It’s a kid-made picture of a boat on a sea.] See? Look. We got the boat.

Andrew: Oh my god, we are gonna die.

Rege: No, we’re not. You’re on a safest vessel on the four seas.

Andrew: It’s seven.

Rege: Just ask the ship fielder himself.

[Ship fielder walks out]

Ship fielder: That’s right. I built this beauty myself. Side note, is it supposed to be wet below deck? There’s like, two feet of water. I spent so much time on the top, I might have forgot to build the floor.

Andrew: So, you don’t know how a boat works?

Ship fielder: Of course I do.

[singing] The ropes are attacked to the sails, I think
you pull this one and you move that one

the steering wheel, the something too
I left the life boats at home

All: Ho-ho, we’ll never come home,
we’re stuck out here and we’re all alone

our friends will eat our brittle bones
you’ll all get scurvy and die, ha!

Rege: Ha-ha! No better death than being eaten alive by your closest mates 45 minutes from shore.

Beck: A hero’s death.

Andrew: Yeah. I don’t think we have to kill each other yet. I can still see my wife.

Chris: Forget your wife, you’re sea’s now.

Ship fielder: There’s plenty of gorgeous wives on the seas.

Andrew: There is?

Kyle: Aye, no better wife than the hole in the whale.

Alex: I stuck a blanket in a little barrel. It’s in my bunk and it’s my wife.

Rege: And I took two jellyfish and wrapped them in a rubber band, and that’s my gorgeous squishy wife.

Johnny Fitzlafet: [showing his hand] This is my wife. I’m not creative like these guys.

Andrew: Are we going to go look for whales now?

Rege: Whales? What’s wrong with you boy? They’re all dead.

Andrew: Then what are we doing out here?

Rege: I think you know. We’re singing.

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro
and all we’re off to sea

Lets Say Grace

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Carl… Regé-Jean Page

Dale… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Dana… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a family get together]

Aidy: Well, there they are.

[Everyone greeting each other]

Ego: It’s so nice for you all to have us over. This house is lovely.

Carl: Man, look at all this food. You all having a whole football team over?

[everyone laughing]

Aidy: No, no, no. This is just what we do when new neighbors drop by. We act neighborly. So, this is buffet style. Grab a plate and go to town.

Dale: Now, before we dig in, our family usually says a little prayer. Is that okay? Y’all church going people?

Ego: Oh, absolutely.

Kenan: Absolutely. Have been Mr. Sunday since 81.

Dale: Well, that’s good. I’mma get my youngest Charlie to say grace. Go ahead, Charlie.

Charlie: Um, okay. Thank you for this food. Bless us as we eat. Amen.

All: Amen.

Aidy: Well, that was really nice. Okay now, we got two kinds of taters and my famous cheese biscuits.

Kenan: Uh, you know what? I hate to keep us from eating, but I feel like that prayer was incomplete.

Ego: Um-hmm, yeah. You know, I don’t feel comfortable eating this food until it is properly blessed. That’s how folks get sick.

Kenan: So, I’ll get my oldest Carl to bless us. Go ahead, Carl.

Carl: Alright. Thank you lord for this beautiful, boundful food. Thank you to those who raised it, picked it, chucked and cleaned it.

Dale: Amen, wonderful.

Carl: I’m not done. Processed it, packaged it, rubbed it, flipped it and reversed it. In the name of the father, the son, the nieces, the nephews, the second cousins. Once removed, twice removed and twice returned.

Ego: Um-hmm, baby, now don’t forget the holy trinity, okay? Earth, wind and fire. Bell Biv Devoe. And the holiest of trinities, the children of destiny, Beyonce, Kelly and I suppose, Michelle.

Punkie: Um, yes. And may the holy ghost greet with a blessed peek-a-boo.

Chris: And lead us not into temptation but deliver us Amazon Prime for free.

All: Amen.

Kenan: Very nice.

Ego: Lovely.

Aidy: Alright. Well, that was a beautiful effort. And hey, if we’re praying like really praying, let’s kick up a notch, huh? So, I’m gonna ask my post-pubescent daughter, Dana, to give us something a little more spirited.

Dana: [angry] Mom!

Aidy: [angry] I said my busty daughter is going to give us something spirited. Now, do what you learned in church camp.

Dana: Argh! Okay, fine! [gets a mic and starts rocking her body. Her brother, mother and father also start rocking their bodies] Alright, let’s get our hand clap going. There we go. There we go.

Jeremiah came down.

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of oil

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jebediah came down

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of water

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jeremiah, Jebediah, oh, they gotta be in their way. Amen.

Dale: Alright. That’s a prayer.

[Kenan’s family is planning too]

Chris: That was real nice. Real cute now. Yeah.

Kenan: I think we maybe can do a little better. Um-hmm. Bernadeth, it’s time. Bring in the big dogs.

Punkie: The big dogs.

Aidy: Um, wow. Okay.

Charlie: Y’all came prepared.

Dana: Yeah, they don’t teach this at church camp.

[Kenan’s family all have paper fans with gods’ pictures on them]

Kenan: Um-hmm, and we got this here Beats Pill. [pulls out a bluetooth sound speaker]

Dale: Okay. You’re on sound system. Very cool.

[music starts playing]

Kenan: Alright everybody. Raise your hands up for it’s time to pray away what’s on the layer way. Here we go.

Ego: [singing] Now, who gave all the fishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Ego: And washed all your dirty dishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Who turned water into wine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: And milk into moonshine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Break it down now, Dale!

Dale: Who, me? Alright.

[Dale starts to break dance]

All: Go, Dale! Go, Dale!

Kenan: Now, raise your hands in the air
if you want to say a short prayer
and when we bless this food, make it taste real good
somebody say “Oh, yeah!”

All: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Amen…

Drivers License

Beck Bennett

Regé-Jean Page

Mikey day

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Old Man… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bunch of guys on a nine-ball pool table]

Beck: Alright, 50 bucks says I kick Bobby’s ass.

Rege: Hey, you tryna hustle me?

Mikey: Shut up and break em’, will ya?

Beck: I’ll break you first. How about that?

Rege: Hey, easy boys, I’ll take all your money by the end of the night. Just let me play my song first.

[Rege plays the song “Driver’s license” on the jukebox]

Beck: Alright. Nine ball, corner pocket. Watch me. [listening to the song] Wait, what am I listening to?

Rege: “Driver’s license” by Olivia Rodrigo.

Pete: Sounds like it’s just some teen girl singing in a room to a piano

Rege: And that’s the beauty of it. You got a problem?

Mikey: What’s this song even about?

Beck: I guess it’s about a girl getting a driver’s license, but it’s bitter sweet because it’s something she and her ex always talked about. That’s what I guess, based on hearing it for the first time right now.

Alex: Yeah, sure, sure. I mean, if you want to get all literal. But, I mean I think I overheard on the news or something that it’s actually about the kids from High School musical. I don’t know.

Pete: Oh, who? Vanessa Hudgens? Zac Efron? Sharpay? That whole crew?

Rege: No, man. High School musical, the series. Olivia wrote about Joshua Bassett who is allegedly now with Sabrina Carpenter. Listen, man.

Song: I just can’t imagine how you could be so okay now that I’m gone

Kenan: She’s got a healthy belt.

Beck and Rege: [singing, holding the pool stick like a mic] Guess you didn’t mean what you wrote in that song about me

Bowen: [standing in the corner being emotional] ‘Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Rege: Okay, so I’m not the only one.

Beck: It’s like she ripped the page out of my diary. I mean notebook. I mean plain brown letter. I can’t read or write.

Old man in the corner: I got my license AlexAlex years ago. Why is this hitting me so hard?

Alex: Okay, look. I don’t want to say nothing too controversial, you know, but this is giving me Billy Eillish vibes.

Pete: Yeah, yeah, but the verses are, sorry to say, Taylor?

Rege: I mean obviously it’s Taylor Swift. Taylor’s the root. It’s also pure Olivia, man.

Mikey: [sobbing] It’s pure. That’s for sure.

Alex: Oh dude, are you crying?

Mikey: Nah, it’s just– It almost got me thinking about my breakup. Like, maybe I am Olivia and my bitch ex, Gina, is Joshua Bassett. And Sabrina Carpenter, like, that’s that bastard, Enzo, from the garage.

Rege: Ayo, bro! If Olivia taught us anything, it’s that pain can be creatively generative, man.

Kenan: Yeah. Like, remember when I lost 50 Gs on the Giants? That gave me half of my poems.

Pete: I said it once, I’ll say it again. Taylor.

Rege: Yeah. But Taylor shifted away from autobiographical and now she’s in the pocket creatively. Look at folklore, man. Ultimately, she’s a freaking storyteller.

Pete: Yeah, but I still feel as Taylor. You got a problem?

Rege: With you being purposely reductive, yeah, i got a problem.

Old man in the corner: Boys, boys! Open your hearts and listen. We’re about to get the bridge of our lives.

[everyone in one line singing]

All: Red lights, stop signs
I still see your face in the white cars, front yards
Can’t drive past the places we used to go to

Mikey: ‘Cause I still fuckin’ love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
All: It’s alright man.

Alex: Let it out.

Old man in the corner: I need to hear that freakin bridge again.

All: Yeah!

[singing] Red lights, stop signs
I still see your face in the white cars, front yards