Tag: Beck Bennett

Making Man

Mikey Day

Zachariah… Beck Bennett

Isaiah… Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

Anya Taylor-Joy

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Zelda… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Jesus… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with celestials designing human man in heaven. There’s a human man design. It has long hair, mustache and beard and hair all over his body.]

Mikey: Okay, so I just spoke with god and he’s ready to see our design for human man.

Zachariah: Nice.

Mikey: But he wants the team working on human woman to take a look first. So, what’s left to do here? Zachariah, where did you guys land on hair for a human man.

Zachariah: We’re putting it pretty much everywhere.

Mikey: Alright. You still want to put hair in the butt crack?

Zachariah: We like to try it. Yeah.

Mikey: Okay. Just be prepared to defend that choice to god because he will bring that up.

[Team working on human woman walk in]

Anya: Hey. We’re the human woman team. God said we should stop by. [looking at the human man model] Is this human man?

Mikey: Yeah. Come on in. Take a look. I think you’ll like what you see.

Ego: Hmm, okay. And is this final?

Mikey: Well, it’s not done done yet, but…

Ego: Yeah, good.

Aidy: Yeah. It’s interesting. I mean, I see it with one huge toe instead of five.

[the human man design had only one huge thumbs on his feet.]

Mikey: Well, like I said, this isn’t final.

Zelda: I think it’s cool.

Aidy: Zelda, don’t.

Kate: It’s got a lot of hair. Human woman doesn’t have nearly this much.

Zachariah: And human woman is going to be cold all the time. Watch.

Anya: By the way, I don’t know if you guys have heard but we have figured out how to have human woman make food for the baby.

Isaiah: Liar!

Mikey: Isaiah, please. I’m sorry, which part makes the baby’s food?

Anya: Oh yes. The two bumps on the chest. The name might change but right now we’re calling them squeezies.

Kate: Yeah. The squeezies make the milk and it comes out of the nipples.

Ego: May I ask what the nipples on human man do?

Isaiah: That’s an excellent question. The nipples are to create the illusion of a giant face to scare of predators.

Zelda: Cool. That’s really smart.

Aidy: Zelda, that’s enough.

Kate: Sorry, the nipples are the eyes and the mouth is what? The little hole there?

Isaiah: Obviously.

Ego: Okay, you know, maybe human man’s nipples could product milk too. I mean, that would be very–

Isaiah: [angry] They are there to create the illusion of a giant face. I mean they’re giving notes now?

Anya: No. It’s good. But sorry, what’s going on here? Are these reproductive organs?

Mikey: Yup. The dangler and the wrinkle pouch.

Ego: And is that final?

Mikey: Name might change. But we think god will dig the design. As you can see, the dangler uses three different colors of skin. And it can grow and shrink.

Zelda: Wow, that’s fun. Can we see it grow?

Aidy: Okay, Zelda, go wait outside. Go.

Anya: Now, what happens when human man runs. Does the dangler retract? Or…

Zachariah: That’s cute. No. It bounces around and smacks into his legs.

Kate: Won’t that hurt?

Mikey: No, the dangler’s extremely tough. He can squeeze it as hard as he wants. It will be fine.

Ego: And what about the wrinkle pouch?

Isaiah: Oh, that’s extremely sensitive. If you flick it, he will fall over and vomit.

Chris: That was my idea.

Isaiah: Yes, it was.

Kate: Okay. And this contraption can make the sperm needed to fertilize human woman’s eggs?

Mikey: I don’t know. It only makes about a billion a day.

Anya: A billion? What happens if they build up in the wrinkle pouch?

Mikey: Isaiah, you want to take that one?

Isaiah: He gets stupid and goes crazy.

Chris: That was my idea.

Isaiah: Yeah, it was.

Anya: Well, I guess this will have to do. Thanks fellas.

[walking away]

Aidy: What were they thinking?

Ego: Girl, they weren’t.

Mikey: Okay, don’t spin out, guys. We’re fine. Maybe we do five toes instead of one, but otherwise, I think we’re golden.

[Jesus walks in]

Jesus: Oh, the dudes.

Isaiah: Hey, what’s up, Jesus?

Jesus: What if I chill here? I feel like people avoid me because I’m god’s son or whatever. But I’m actually a pretty laid back guy.

Mikey: We’re really busy, Jesus.

Jesus: Oh, good. I’m actually supposed to meet some homies right now. I’ll get out of here.

Lingerie Store

Aidy Bryant

Anya Taylor-Joy

Heidi Gardner

Frank… Beck Bennett

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Aidy and Anya speaking.]

Aidy: Big…

Anya: Breasts…

Aidy: Heavy…

Anya: Breasts…

Aidy: And every set of breasts needs…

Both: A brar.

Aidy: Are your watermelon sized bosoms doing the most?

Anya: Does your cup runneth over and onto the floor?

Aidy: Then come, get yourself a brar at Enid & Astrid’s Brawr Barn.

Anya: Located on avenue E & Jill Zarin blvd.

Aidy: Now, “What exactly is a brar?”, you ask. Well, bras are for boobies but brars are for breasts.

Anya: And if you don’t know about the store like this, good for you. Enjoy being able to jog.

Aidy: Yeah, we offer dazzling brar designs like these, [showing the brar] The Fortress. Goes so high, it’s a turtle neck. Strapped so wide, they could be jeans.

Anya: [showing another brar] The Straight Jacket. This brar comes with a patented five clasp enclosure.

Aidy: Yeah, which means if man’s taking it off, he’s going to need the jaws of life.

Anya: Or try the Load-Bearing Wall, made of miniature 2×4. It’s not an undergarment. It’s scaffolding.

Aidy: Yet designed by the same guys that unstuck the boat from the sewer’s canal.

[Heidi walks in]

Heidi: Hi, I need to buy a bra. I think I’m a 32.

Aidy: No, you’re not, honey.

Anya: No woman knows her brar size.

Aidy: Only we know. So, let me fit you. [Aidy starts touching Heidi’s breasts] Hmm. Okay. Okay. Cough. [Heidi coughs] Okay. Yes, so you’re a 28-Q. You have a difficult relationship with your mother and [taps her breasts] you’re pregnant.

Heidi: What?

Aidy: It’s a boy.

Heidi: How do you know that?

Anya: She just knows. Enjoy your bra.

Aidy: [pulls out a brar] We’re out of bag so you’re gonna just hold it loose, alright?

Heidi: Okay, thank you.

[Heidi leaves]

Aidy: Look, this is not a sexy store for froo-froo lingerie.

Anya: No. No one has ever had a sexual feeling in this store.

Aidy: This is a medical experience. We are one step away from a hospital.

Anya: And we even make some of our bras in house. Get out, you Frank.

[a guy with a welding machine and construction gear on comes in. He is carrying a metal brar in his hand.]]

Frank: Hey, how are you doing?

Aidy: Well, this is my husband. He’s in construction. He makes prisons.

Anya: And he also works here.

Frank: Each of these brars are built to last. Under wires from pure Pittsburgh steel. Brars so big, you can pour a cup of hot soup in and not spill a drop.

Aidy: In the summer! I have made paninis under my bra.

Frank: And to clean it, just hang in out the window of a car wash once a year.

Aidy: Alright, get back to work, Frank.

Frank: Alright. Bye, girls. Love you.

Anya: Who needs these bras? We do. That’s why it’s important that we create bras for every size and shape. Shape like Denny’s grand slam.

Aidy: Rorschach Test.

Anya: Wind Sock.

Aidy: Chicago Style. And of course, Penn & Teller.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Hi, I need a bra.

Aidy: Oh, you don’t, sweetie.

Anya: Move along, sweetie. No.

Aidy: You need a tank top, hun. This is not a place for you.

Chloe: Do you sell bralettes?

Aidy: Oh yeah, I can wear a bralette once at my cristening.

Chloe: Fine, I’ll just go to Victoria Secret, I guess.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Well, I know Victoria Secret, and it’s that she’s too intimidated to help me.

Anya: So, come on down to Astrid & Enid’s Brar Barn.

Aidy: Now, the signage is unclear. Know that.

Anya: And our store front is a bunch of fur coats. Ignore that.

Aidy: Now, you’re going to go up the stairs and you’re going to be like, “Is this apartments?” Ignore that.

Anya: And we don’t accept credit cards. We prefer personal checks and coins.

Aidy: Well, alright. Let’s do the song.

Anya: Alright.

[music playing]

Both: [singing] Big ones, bigger ones, the biggest of all

they’re brars!

Hollywood Squares

Tom Bergeron… Beck Bennett

Cammi… Aidy Bryant

Robert… Chris Redd

Baby Spice… Anya Taylor-Joy

Bill Cosby… Kenan Thompson

Jeff Dunham… Mikey Day

Mary-Kate… Chloe Fineman

Ashley Olsen… Heidi Gardner

Jared Fogle… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Female voice: GSN Retro Night continues at nine with 1971 episode of ‘Name That Tune’ followed by a 1953 episode of ‘Guess Her Weight’. But up next, a 1998 episode of Hollywood Squares.

[cut to the show stage]

Tom Bergeron: I’m Tom Bergeron. Welcome to Hollywood Squares. Our contestants today are Cami and Robert. [cheers and applause] And let’s say hello to our Hollywood celebrities.

[there are nine celebrities in the game]
[cheers and applause]

The game is simple. It’s Tic-tac-toe. Three in a row wins. Robert, you won the coin toss back stage. Pick a square.

Robert: I don’t like her music but I like the way she looks. Let’s go with Baby Spice.

Baby Spice: Yeah! Girl power, baby!

Tom Bergeron: Alright, Baby Spice, according to a recent survey of American students, what’s the least popular school subject.

Baby Spice: What school? I’m just a little baby. Kidding. Let’s say maths.

Robert: I’ll agree.

Tom Bergeron: Wise choice. It’s math. X gets the square. Cammy, pick a square.

Cammi: Okay, well, this is an easy one. Who doesn’t love this man? I am going with the center square America’s Dad, Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby: Look at me. I’m in the square.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: In light of recent revelations concerning Bill Cosby, King World Productions has chosen to omit him from this rebroadcast. We rejoing the show after Mr. Cosby’s segment.

[cut to Tom Bergeron, Cammi and Robert laughing hard]

Tom Bergeron: Holy smokes. No one’s better than Bill Cosby. Best of all time. Okay, Cammi, Bill Cosby said Lacrosse is America’s oldest sport. Agree or disagree?

Cammi: One thing’s for sure, I trust Bill Cosby. Agree!

Tom Bergeron: Good instinct. Circle gets the square.

Baby Spice: Sorry, Tommy, can I just say to Mr. Cosby that I am such a huge fan and I admire you so–

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: At the personal request of Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton, her comments have been omitted from this rebroadcast.

[cut back to the stage]

Tom Bergeron: Wow, those were very kind words. Okay, Robert, pick a square.

Robert: Let’s go with Ventriloquist. Jeff Dunham and Jose Jalapeno.

Jeff Dunham: Hey, we’re thrilled to be here. Say hello, Jose.

[Jose is a puppet]
[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Due to evolving societal standards on race, Kind World Productions has omitted all footage of Mr. Dunham providing voices for puppets of different ethnicities, including: Jose the Jalapeno, De’Shawn the piece of cornbread and Tan Yan the horniest man in Japan.  We’ll resume the game after Mr. Dunham’s material.

[cut back to the game stage]

Tom Bergeron: And X gets the square. Those were some funny puppets.

Robert: I didn’t love the voice Jeff did for DeShawn the cornbread.

Jeff Dunham: Hey, don’t look at me. That was him.

Robert: Nah, it was you.

Tom Bergeron: Cammi?

Cammi: Well, I love them on Full House. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: You got it, dude.

Tom Bergeron: Mary Kate and Ashley’s latest directed video movie ‘Oops we recently flew to Paris’ is in stores now. Anyone seen it? I see Mr. Skinny himself, Jared Fogle is nodding.

Jared Fogle: I loved the movie so good.

Tom Bergeron: Did you bring the pants, Jared?

Jared Fogle: Oh, yeah. Can you believe I used to wear these? You could fit both Olsen twins in here.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: In light of Jared Fogle’s crimes, the decision to place his square right next to the Olsen’s is unfortunate and therefore both squared have been omitted from this rebroadcast.

[Cut back to the stage]

Tom Bergeron: Alright. Circle gets the square.

Baby Spice: Sorry, can I just say what jared Fogle has done is incredible. And I’d like to give him a round of applause. Really–

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Representatives for Emma ‘Baby Spice’ Bunton want to be clear that she was applauding Mr. Fogle’s weight loss and not his heinous crimes.

Tom Bergeron: Just a reminder, our secret square is still unclaimed. Let’s tell the folks at home which star can nab you some bonus cash.

Female voice: The secret square is Matt Lauer.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Who has been omitted from this broadcast.

[Cut back to the stage]

Tom Bergeron: Okay, Robert, you pick.

Robert: I take Kevin Spacey.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Due to the problematic nature of most of our squares, the remainder of this episode has been omitted from the re-broadcast.

[Cut back to the stage, Tom Bergeron is with Cammi]

Tom Bergeron: Well, congrats to our winner, Cammy, who’s taking home a Subaru Outback. Say goodbye, Squares.

AMC Theatres Commercial

Vin Diesel… Beck Bennett

Anya Taylor-Joy

[Starts with AMC theater’s intro]

Male voice: And now, a message from AMC theaters.

[Cut to Vin Diesel driving a car]

Vin Diesel: It’s been a while. For the past year, the roads have been a little empty. But we’re starting to see the promise of a new day.

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Yo, I’m Vin Diesel. For more than 100 years, there’s one place where we all came together to be entertained, the movies. There’s nothing like it. The popcorn, the previews, the pretzels, and don’t forget, the movies. I’m talking the tickets, the butter. It’s really amazing. Ah! We’ve been home for too long. It’s time to get back to the carpets, the cup holders, the arm rests, the napkins. When the movie’s not loud enough, when the movie’s a little too loud, I guess you could say there’s something for everybody, only at the movies.

[Cut to Anya at the movie theater.]

Anya: AMC is proud to partner with Vin Diesel to welcome audiences back to see “Fast 9” the way it was meant to be seen, on the big screen on the AMC–

[Vin Diesel walks in]

Vin Diesel: [interrupting] The straws, the sticky floors, the $8 bottle of water, the nachos, the hand dryer in the bathroom that’s louder than a choo-choo train, [Anya silently walks out] the second concession stand that’s never been open, the little boy at the urinal with his pants all the way down, the bird that’s trapped inside the lobby. It’s truly incredible. That’s right. I’m talking bout the movies. The butter machine that shoots out something that doesn’t look like butter. The Aerosmith arcade game. The garbage that has a hole that’s little too small to put in garbage in. That’s the movies.

Have you ever seen a movie? It’s amazing. The music, the heavy doors, the pre-show video where you’re out of roller coaster, the little trivia game on screen before the movie. You have to be pretty dumb to get the answer wrong. And I always do. Are the movies back? Ha-ha-ha-ha. You tell me. The stories, the way the hallway stinks, the waving to your dad to show him where you’re sitting in the theater, the snacks you hid in your mom’s purse, yum, the weird feeling you get when you see a movie early in the day and you come outside and the sun’s still out, weird, the cardboard cut outs, the taking a picture with Garfield so you could remember you saw Garfield, that’s the movies. And you know what? It’s good to be back.

[Anya walks in]

Anya: Yeah, actually we do require you to wear a mask inside.

Vin Diesel: It’s time to go home. Watch a movie at home with no mask. It’s amazing.

Weekend Update- Bob Baffert on Medina Spirit’s Failed Drug Test

Michael Che

Bob Baffert… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Monday, Medina Spirit, the horse that won this year’s Kentucky Derby tested positive for steroids. Here to comment is Medina Spirit’s trainer, Bob Baffert.

[Bob Baffert slides in]

Bob Baffert: Michael, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Sure, Bob. So, your horse tested positive for steroids but you deny any involvement?

Bob Baffert: Of course, I deny it, Michael. Bob Baffert’s not stupid. I don’t cheat. Do I look like a shady character to you?

Michael Che: Honestly, yes, Bob. Yes, you do.

Bob Baffert: I have no idea how my horse could have tested positive. Could be anything. Maybe, he went to one of those silly Patch Adams hospitals, slipped on a banana peel, fell onto a syringe of testosterone, boom, positive test. Or, maybe he hooked up with another horse who was positive. You can contract steroids through oral, Michael.

Michael Che: That sounds very unlikely.

Bob Baffert: You don’t know horse stuff, Michael. It’s okay. You have to understand, he had a very traumatic upbringing. He fell out of his mother’s hole, then I got right on his face and said, “Run, you little bitch.”

Michael Che: That’s really intense, man.

Bob Baffert: Yes, it’s horse stuff. It’s really intense. Bottomline, I have won seven Kentucky Derbies. Seven. And I have trained tons of thoroughbreds, all clean. American Pharoah, Silver Charm, Mark McGuire, Justify, Super Jacked Kangaroo.

Michael Che: Really? And all of them are clean?

Bob Baffert: Almost as a whistle, Michael. Medina Spirit is a victim of cancel culture. They’re trying to cancel him because he’s big and strong and white.

Michael Che: I think he’s brown.

Bob Baffert: He’s Italian, Michael. Come on. I mean, sure, Medina Spirit ain’t perfect. He’s moody, temperamental and he exposed himself on a Zoom. It’s normal horse stuff, folks. Come on. The wild animals for crimes sake.

Michael Che: Well, it sounds like pretty toxic environment.

Bob Baffert: Michael, please. Calling a horse toxic can ruin its reputation. Okay?

Michael Che: Well, I guess I didn’t realize that.

Bob Baffert: Yes, you didn’t. You wouldn’t. It’s okay but don’t worry about it. I think people got to know, Medina Spirit is actually a really cool guy. Check it out. [A picture of a horse flexing it’s arms like humans appears on right top corner.] He’s got everything that a normal horse has. Throbbing muscles, backne, a perfect square Zac Efron jaw, baseball bat shaft, pea-sized ball.

Michael Che: You call that a normal horse?

Bob Baffert: Yes, Michael. And here he is on vacation.

Michael Che: Is he at a Mexican pharmacy?

Bob Baffert: Oh, now horse can’t party? Come on, Michael. And here he is hitting his 73rd home run.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, Medina Spirit actually tested clean before racing in today’s peakness.

Bob Baffert: Yes. I checked it myself and it tested fine.

Michael Che: Wow. So, how did he do?

Bob Baffert: Well, he fell apart out there. He’s nothing without his roids.

Michael Che: Alright. Bob Baffert everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

No More Masks Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Punkine Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci at a podium of press conference] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: It’s your boy Fauci, the patron saint of Purell. As you’ve probably heard, we’ve got some very good news this week and I’m not just talking about J-Lo and Ben Affleck. The CDC announced that people who are vaccinated no longer need to wear a mask. Outdoors or indoors. Pretty great, right? But a lot of people have questions. Such as – What does that mean? What the hell are you talking about? Is this a trap? So, to clear things up, I found a few doctors at the CDC who minored in theater and I asked them to re-enact various scenarios to demonstrate correct mask behavior. And remember, they only have 24 hours to put this little show together. So, please welcome the CDC players and their first scene, man walks into a bar.

[Aidy and Beck are standing. Aidy is not wearing a mask while Beck is wearing a mask.]

Aidy: Welcome to a bar.

Beck: Thank you. Do I still have to wear a mask indoors?

Aidy: You actually do not.

Beck: Great! [opens his mask]

Aidy: Well, as long as you’re vaccinated.

Beck: No, I’m not.

Aidy: Oh, then that’s bad.

Beck: Well, I’m entering a bar at Dr. Anthony FauciDr. Anthony FauciAM. Did you really think I was Vaxed? Because that’s on you.

Aidy: You’re right. I deserve covid.

Beck: And scene.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. I don’t know if that’s the right takeaway. The real point is we have to trust each other. So, please be honest and respectful. Let’s see how that plays out. And on our next scene, the friendly skies.

[Cut to Bowen and Ego. Bowen is wearing a mask and Ego is not wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Stewardess, may I have another scotch on the rocks? I’m a businessman and I need it to relax from business.

Ego: You can have a scotch, but when you’re not drinking it, you need to keep your mask on.

Bowen: Good to know. By the way, I’ve been stuck inside for over a year. Want to bang?

Ego: You know I do, king.

Bowen: Then hop on. Let’s go for a real ride.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop this. Thank you. The lesson should have been you need masks on planes, not everybody horny now. A lot of folks are also wondering about larger groups or gathering. So, let’s see an example of that.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Alex: I’m concerned. This is a pretty large gathering. Should we be wearing masks?

Cecily: We don’t have to because we’re outside … the Capitol building. [pulls out a gun] Now, let’s get them.

Alex: [wears MAGA hat on] Right behind you.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That was very specific example but accurate in terms of masks. Now, what about retail businesses? How do you protect front line workers who may or may not be vaccinated. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Lauren and Punkie. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Punkie: Hi there, can I come into your store?

Lauren: Yes. But I’m still asking customers to wear masks respectfully.

Punkie: But I don’t need a mask. I’m gay.

Lauren: And I’m an ally. Come on in. The first hotdog is on me.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. That’s not how that works. Being an ally is great but it’s got nothing to do with mask safety. Also, she run a hotdog store? That left me with more questions than answer. Okay, next, we have two young folks who started dating during the pandemic.

[Cut to Andrew and Chloe. They are both wearing masks]

Andrew: This is exciting. We’re dining outside, so we can definitely take our masks off.

[both of them pull their masks off]

Chloe: Oh, no. I don’t like the bottom of your face. It looks like you grew moles under your mask.

Andrew: So, mask back on?

Chloe: No. It’s too late. I already saw it. Now, it’s all I can think about.

Andrew: Then what if you put your mask over your eyes?

Chloe: [covers her face with the mask] Ah! That’s nice. You look like a blue man.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: And freeze! [Andrew and Chloe stops moving] We cut to an actual blue man’s apartment. His roommate’s like, “Ah, can you stop it with drumming? I’m trying to get some sleep.”

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I think that’s the doctor that takes improv classes because that’s what everyone wants the doctor to do. Improvise. Alright, next we have a delicate situation riding New York city transit.

[Cut to Melissa and Pete. Melissa is wearing a mask and Pete is not wearing a mask.]

Pete: Wow, I’m so excited to be back on the subway.

Melissa: Me too. But you should know, masks are so required on buses, ferries and subways.

Pete: Oh, cool. But my question is where should I masturbate? Because buses, ferries and subways all sound like great options.

Melissa: You shouldn’t do that anywhere, sir.

Pete: Don’t worry. I’ll put a mask on it first.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: He missed a golden opportunity to say, “Thanks for the tip.” Another big question mark is schools. Maybe this will help.

[Cut to Cecily and Chris]

Chris: Hi. I’m here to pick up a student. Do I need to put on a mask?

Cecily: No. Fully vaccinated parents do not need a mask.

Chris: But do I need to be a parent?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. No. Stop. We’re going to stop that one already. Thank you. And this next one, I’m told is more of a riddle.

[Cut to Kyle, Kenan, Heidi and Mikey]

Kenan: Hi. We’re four friends from three different households.

Mikey: We’re all half vaxed and traveling by train from Florida to the UK.

Kyle: One of us is old and severely at risk.

Heidi: And one of us is a baby.

Kenan: So, how many of us should wear masks and in which order?

Kenan: And go!

[four of them start shuffling their places] [Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No idea what’s that supposed to demonstrate. And now, it’s time for the big finale entitled ‘Society is good again, a vision for the future’.

[Cut to Beck, Aidy, Ego and Bowen dancing]

Beck: Wow, everything is fine now.

Aidy: eVerybody got the vaccine. So, we never need masks again.

Bowen: I’m using my old mask as a parachute for my hamster.

Ego: I’m using two of mine as a bikini

Beck: I’m using one of mine as a bikini.

Aidy: I guess when we come together as a society, we can solve anything.

All: Whoo!

Beck: Now, let’s talk about Israel.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That seems like a good place to end. So, in summary, please, everyone get your vaccine and enjoy life with no masks. Except this audience, you got to keep them on.

[other casts join\

All: An life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

High School Graduation

Principal… Alex Moffat

Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Key

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Andrew Dismukes

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a student playing violin. She finishes. Everyone claps.]

Principal: Thank you for that wonderful solo, Melissa. Life is indeed a highway. Now, I’d like to ask the class of Chris0ChrisPrincipal to rise as you receive your diplomas and reminder to the families, I’ll be reading a lot of names. So please, hold your applause till the end.

[Principal starts calling names and students start walking to the stage]

Madison Abbott. [light claps]

Quintin Addison. [family shouting for him]

Another reminder, please hold your applause.

Chris: I’m not applauding. I’m yelling.

Punkie: Ay! My baby had a speech prepared.

Principal: I’m sorry. No speeches.

Kenan: Wait, just let him talk as he walks across.

Principal: Sorry, can’t do it. Michael Albright.

[parents yelling]

Keegan: You did it boy. I swear, we didn’t think he was going to make it.

Ego: No. He didn’t read a single book. Should I not say that?

Principal: Like I said–

Ego: [yelling] Michael! Baby. Lift up your robe. I bought him a whole new outfit and he up there dressed like everybody else.

Keegan: Lift up the robe, big man.

Ego: Baby, show them the new belt. I bought him a new belt.

Keegan: It’s Gucci. It’s Gucci. It don’t say it, but it is. My man’s a baller, man. Look at he graduating magnum like his father. Magnum cum louder.

Principal: Please. Let’s move on. Danetta Andrews.

Kenan: Ay, that’s our little cousin.

Punkie: Danetta, you better smile, girl. You did it. Oh, she embarrassed because she ain’t got adult teeth growing yet.

Chris: Go ahead. Smile, girl, It’s your day. Show the world them tic tac teeth.

Kenan: She sad because she got more gums than she got teeth.

Chris: Looking like a race horse, like a little cap and gown sea biscuits.

Principal: Okay. Thank you. Let’s keep going. Simon Alexander.

Ego: Whoo! That’s my little godson.

Keegan: Simon, my man. Ay! Simon. Ay! Do the backflip. Big man, do the backflip. He’s probably going to do the backflip.

Ego: He did. We’d like to call him Simon Biles, because he’s a gymnast.

Keegan: Ay. This boy never stop backflipping. This boy can flip his ass off.

[The student is embarrassed and signals them to shut up.]

Keegan: What? Are you scared? Oh, you want to punk out? Oh, damn, man. See, all that backflipping for what?

Ego: Okay. Simon, you better stop playing with me. He making me look bad. I never for a godson that’s a non-flipping little bitch.

Principal: Please. Please. Okay, can we keep our comments to minimum. We’ve got almost 200 names here. Now, before I read the next name, please remember to keep quiet. Here we go. Leticia Allen.

Kenan: Oh! White girl name Leticia?

Punkie: I did not see that coming.

Chris: Upset of the year.

Principal: Once again. Please no comments. Specially these two families over here.

Ego: Hold on, is he really pointing at us?

Keegan: I know he ain’t pointing at us in this day and age.

Principal: Tiffany Atwood.

Beck: Tiffany!

Aidy: Whoo! You did it. You graduated!

Andrew: We are so going to David Buster’s after this.

Principal: Please. I just asked for silence.

Aidy: Well, sorry sir. She’s a first one in our family to graduate.

Beck: Yeah, we’re going to get a Bentley.

Principal: I highly doubt that.

Aidy: Excuse me, but our daughter got a prestigious internship with PF Chang.

Principal: That’s a restaurant.

Aidy: Well, did you get in?

Principal: I have been there. Yes.

Aidy: Okay, then. So, you know it’s good.

Beck: Ay! You remind me of this guy back home who used to touch kids. What’s his name? Trevor. Hey, is your name Trevor?

Principal: This is not a Q&A sir.

Mikey: Well, if I had known that nobody was going to follow the rules, I would have cheered.

Ego: Sir, go ahead then. You can cheer. Hey principal! Let this man’s child go again.

Principal: No. It doesn’t work that way.

All: Come on! Man!

Principal: Fine. Madison Abbott.

Lauren: Wow!

Mikey: Whoo!

Heidi: Good job, Madison.

Lauren: Nice one, girl.

Keegan: For real? What the hell was that?

Ego: Ya’ll are embarrassing.

Kenan: Boo! We fought for you.

Punkie: Baby, you come live with us.

Chris: That’s right, little white baby, we’ll feed you biscuits and cheer while you eat.

Beck: I think everyone just freaked out because principal’s a kid toucher.

Principal: Okay. No! You know what? I think we’re done. I’m just going to arrange for the rest of the graduates to get their diplomas in the mail. Okay? Thank you

Keegan: I like that man. Keeps things short. That’s good.

Ego: I ain’t even mad. Gives us more time to celebrate.

Beck: Great idea, kid toucher. Now, where do we pick up the Bentley?

Post-Quarantine Conversation

Kate Mckinnon

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

Elon Musk

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: And now, every conversation with people you haven’t seen since quarantine started.

[Cut to people at a party. Kate walks to Beck.]

Kate: Hey.

Beck: Hi.

Kate: Good to see you. It’s been– Well, it’s been since before quarantine.

Beck: Yes. Totally. How– How was it?

Kate: Um, yeah, it was okay. Considering. It was okay.

Beck: Yeah.

Kate thinking to herself: Who the fuck is this? Is this a person I know?

Beck: It’s such a weird time. But things seem to be opening up again. Fingers crossed.

[both laughing]

Beck thinking to himself: Who the hell is this woman? Is she my wife’s friend? Or do our kids go to school together?

[Cut to Chris and Ego chatting on a sofa]

Chris: It’s such a crazy time right now. What’s summer even going to be like?

Ego: I know, right? Like, will people travel and do stuff?

Chris: I will get on a plane with you right now.

[both laughing]

Chris thinking to himself: Is she my cousin? Hope I’m not flirting with someone that might be my cousin.

Ego thinking to herself: He remembers he’s my cousin, right? And how many times can a person say, “it’s such a crazy time right now”?

Chris: It’s such a crazy time right now.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon chatting]

Heidi: So, did you travel at all?

Elon: No. You?

Heidi: No.

Elon: Cool.

Heidi thinking to herself: Is this really a conversation?

Elon thinking to himself: I think this is going pretty well.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: And how was your quarantine?

Kate: You asked me that already. But you know, it was okay. Some ups and downs.

Kate thinking to herself: Ups and downs? You stabbed your husband with a screwdriver. You won’t finish the bookshelf and you stabbed him. You don’t even own books.

Kate: But I’m sure we all went through some stuffs.

Beck: Totally.

Beck thinking to himself: It affected me zero.

Beck: But I think I’m just going to be extra cautious for the rest of my life, you know?

[Beck wipes his noes, grabs some snakes with the same hand, eats the snacks and licks his finger.] [Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Elon: Which vaccine did you get?

Heidi: I got Pfizer.

Elon: I got Mederna.

Heidi: Nice.

Heidi thinking to herself: A question that leads nowhere. It’s like asking, “Are you more tylenol or advil”?

Elon thinking to himself: Let me guess. The second dost knocked her out for BeckEgo hours.

Heidi: The second dose knocked me out for about BeckEgo hours.

Elon: Well, it sounds like a unique experience you need to tell everyone about.

Elon thinking to himself: Oh, shit! I said that out loud. Quick laugh so that she knows you’re kidding.

[Elon starts laughing, and Heidi follows]

Heidi thinking to herself: I’ll fucking kill you.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: I got that Johnson&Johnson baby, one and done.

Ego: And now you’re totally safe.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Quarantine was good though?

Kate: No.

Beck: Great.

Kate: But recently I have been going to dinner again.

Kate thinking to herself: Did I just say “I’ve been doing to dinner again”? Should I give him more details or should I die?

Beck: I went to one dinner outdoors and one dinner indoors.

Beck thinking to himself: Do I have brain damage? I think I might have permanent brain damage.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Heidi: How is your wife?

Elon: Oh, really good. We’ve been working from home, so we’re really productive and we get to see each other more.

Elon thinking to himself: We’re getting divorced and I’m losing my job.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: Anyway, so great to see you.

Beck: So fine catching up.

Beck thinking to himself: I will never see this woman again.

Kate thinking to herself: I will make it a post quarantine goal to never talk to this man again for the rest of my life.

Beck: Come here.

[Beck tries to hug Kate but Kate refuses]

Beck: We’re bros.

Kate: Okay.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Heidi: It was really great talking to you.

Elon: Me too.

Heidi: Me too.

Elon: It’s great.

Heidi: Yes.

[both runs to opposite direction] [Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: Hey, this was lot of fun.

Ego: Yeah. [Chris leans to kiss Ego] What are you doing?

Chris: What?

Ego: You’re my cousin.

Chris: What? Oh, nah! I totally forgot.

Chris thinking to himself: I almost got away with it.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, everyone. A toast to Mark for getting us all back together.

[everybody raising glass but confused]

Andrew thinking to himself: Oh, shit, this is a wrong house.

Murdur Durdur

Alex Moffat

Care… Kate McKinnon

Policeman… Bowen Yang

Owen… Beck Bennett

Woman… Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a movie intro. Alex and Care are investigating a murder]

Male voice: In a small town somewhere between New York and DC.

Alex: County sent me to see this investigation.

Male voice: Comes another story of grizzled lady detective.

Care: Cell me Care. Everybody else does.

Bowen: A jogger found the body over there.

Alex: What do we know so far?

Care: I don’t know we know. All I know is what we don’t know.

Male voice: With a very specific accent.

[Care looks at the dead body’s face]

Care: Oh, no. I know her. It’s Owen’s dudur (daughter).

Alex: Durdur?

Care: Did I stir? The durdur has been murdered.

Alex: Oh, daughter.

Male voice: You’ve seen dead teens in New York, Chicago and Boston. But what about another city with very specific white? Pennsylvania whites.

[Two police officers ad eating

Care: Would you quit eating wawa hoagies over the body, please?

Police officers: Sorry, boss.

Male voice: From the makers of “Mare of Easttown” and “It’s always sunny in Philadelphia”, comes–

[Owen comes in]

Owen: No. Is it my durdur?

Care: Owen, she’s murdered.

Owen: They murdered my durdur?

Care: I’m afraid so.

Owen: [falls on his knees] My durdur! My baby durdur, and they murdered her!

Male voice: Murder Durdur, an extremely Pennsylvania crime show.

Care: I’m going to Yngling to take the edge off.

Owen: Oh, thanks Care.

Male voice: Highly accurate”, says the Delco-Daily. “The writers clearly googled. They knew the foods and the towns.”

[The detectives are looking at the map]

Bowen: Thur in this third matches the stin down the Daninton.

Care: The roras for Pesho Casen.

Bowen: Pesco cho hankin?

Care: No, Pesho Casen. Over by the Jangoff bridge.

Alex: Great. And you guys can spell that for me later?

Male voice: Starring an actress with a messy ponytail that says “Forget, I’m actually British.”

[Cut to Care interrogating a woman]

Care: Mandi (Monday) night, how did she get hum (home).

Woman: I told you. She got um on her own.

Care: Show me your phone.

Woman: Fine. But I ain’t murder no one’s durdur. I have no idea how she ended up in the wooter (water).

Care: What wooter?

Male voice: The New York time says, “So authentically Pennsylvania, I’m assuming. Absolutely everyone was related to each other.”

Bowen: Look, Care, I know why you’re a cop. Because your pop was a cop. And your pop pop was a cop. And your pop pop’s pop pop was the original Philly fanatic. It’s not your fault your son drowned in the schuylkill on purpose.

Alex: How does he know all that?

Care: Because he is my cousint (cousin). And he’s my cousint [pointing at another guy]. And that’s my ex-husbands (husband) [pointing at another guy]. And that girl–

Heidi: Hey, Care.

Alex: Let me guess, your cousint?

Care: No. It’s my grandurr.

Alex: Granddaughter? How old are you?

Care: I’m Philly 40.

Male voice: Constantly overcast. A creek and three bad homes. And moments of true suspense.

[Alex and Care are in the woods at night with flash lights. They hear something moving.]

Alex: Wait, is that the killer?

Care: No, that’s just Gritty.  [Someone’s wearing full Gritty costume and running way] Hey, Gritty, go flyers! [Gritty waves his hand] [Cut to Owen walking into the police station]

Owen: Cap, I’m going to murder whoever murdered my durdur.

Care: Owen. I don’t know who did your durdur’s murder, alright?

[a pastor walks in with a girls bicycle]

Pastor: I need some help. I’m father Delbert, you durdur and I were friends.

Care: Oh! Okay. So, he did it. He is the durdur murderer.

Pastor: You got me.

Male voice: Murdur durdur, this is where Joe Biden is from. Wow.

Cowboy Standoff

Earl… Kyle Mooney

Louisa… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Jasper.. Alex Moffat

Kenan Thompson

Leron… Elon Musk

[Starts with a group of cowboys running around town]

Male voice: Tell ’em, the Pearl River gang ain’t messing around.

[Cut to Earl inside a bar. He is shot.]

Louisa: Oh my goodness, Earl!

[Earl groaning] [Four men rush in]

Beck: We came as soon as we could.

Jasper: What happened?

Louisa: The Pearl River gang came through town. They shot Earl.

Earl: I’m fine. It’s just a scratch.

Jasper: That gang is out of control. We got to do something about it.

Kenan: Well, they’s always holed up in them foothills outside of Santa Fe. I reckon we go and give them taste of their own medicine.

Beck: Run straight at ’em, guns blazing.

Jasper: Hoo-whee! Let’s ride!

Leron: Or… hear me out on this. We can tunnel down into the earth and come up underneath them.

Beck: What?

Leron: They’re expecting a direct attack. But if we tunnel into the earth, we could come up underneath them and surprise them.

Jasper: Oh my god, there gives the genius talking about tunnels.

Louisa: Tunnels? Leron, I thought you was the electric horse guy.

Kenan: Yeah, isn’t that your’s plugged in outside?

[There’s a horse outside tied to a Tesla charging station.]

Leron: Sure. I do like, electric horses and self driving horses which are just horses. But I’ve also built a machine that can dig a tunnel 10 times faster than a gopher. I propose that we use it to ambush the Pearls River gang. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Beck: The hell you laughing at?

Leron: I just realized that Pearls River is an anagram for prevail err. Perhaps their prevailing error is not expecting sneak attack. He-he-he-he-he.

Jasper: Is this guy, like, slow?

Kenan: Yeah. Why you always saying stuff like that? Leron? Just be normal. Stop trying to reinvent the wheel.

Leron: Hmm.

Jasper: Ah! Dammit! Now he’s thinking about reinventing a new kind of wheel.

Beck: And besides, if we ambush that gang, we’ll never find out where they hid all their gold.

Leron: Oh yeah. I was thinking about that too. What if instead of panning for gold, we just create our own currency?

Kenan: Currency?

Jasper: Yeah. And what the heck would it be based on?

Leron: Whatever we say it’s based on?

Beck: [yelling] That ain’t how money works! Money is the golden rock that we dig out of the ground. Then we hope no one kills us before we trade it for pieces of green paper. It’s a perfect system.

Louisa: I don’t know, guys. Leron sounds pretty rich. I mean, smart. I think maybe I should spend some time with him upstairs so you guys check down that gang.

Leron: I would love nothing more than to fornicate with you, Louisa. But the overwhelming odds are that you have syphilis.

Louisa: Excuse me?

Leron: It’s actually a compliment. It means you’re successful at your job, which is a prostitute.

Louisa: Oh, well then, thank you, Leron. See? This is is a gentleman.

Beck: Then I’d just like to say I think you have syphilis as well.

Louisa: Hey! [slaps Beck] It don’t work when you say it. When Leron says it, it’s fine. Because he’s eccentric.

Jasper: Alright, enough! Okay, look. It’s not like Leron’s always right about everything.

Kenan: Yeah, what about that time we robbed a bank and he refuse to wear a mask?

Leron: Okay. For a while, I thought masks were dumb. But now I admit, masks make sense.

Jasper: Okay, see? Now, the plan is simple. The Pearl River gang came after us with guns, we’re going after them with guns. End of story.

Leron: Now let’s take a vote. Who wants to follow Jasper to a gun fight that will almost certainly result in your death. And who wants to do mine, genius tunnel plan?

All: Gun fight.

Leron: Hah! I don’t know why I even try.

Earl: Hey, I’m in too. Just need a minute.

Louisa: Oh, Earl.

[singing] He might not be the best at drinks
he might give off a couple of stinks,

but of all bartenders in the world
we don’t know one as fun as Earl

Leron: Wait, the closing song was about Earl? But I’m making the old west the new west.

All: [singing] Earl!

Male voice: History always remembered, Earl.