Mom… Aidy Bryant
Emily… Heidy Gardner
Beck Bennett
Dad… Adam Sandler
[Starts with a family sitting on a veranda]
Mom: We are going to get some lemonade so you two behave.
Son: Okay.
[Mom and Emily leave]
[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Well, I’ll tell you that Emily is great. Your mom and I really like her.
[Cut to Son]
Son: Thanks, Pop.
[Son looks disappointed]
[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Something on your mind, son?
[Cut to Son]
Son: Actually, yeah. I’m a little embarrassed to say this, but lately I’ve been having a little trouble performing.
[Cut to Dad]
Dad: You mean erectile dysfunction?
[Cut to Son]
Son: Has it ever happened to you?
[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Sure has. It happened to me a lot. [Cut to Son agreeing]
[Cut to Dad]
But then I found out about new Rectix. [Dad takes a huge pill out]
[Cut to Son]
Son: Whoa, that pill is massive, how do you even swallow that thing?
[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Ha-ha, you don’t swallow it son. You insert it like an suppository and trust me, it works.
[Cut to Son]
Son: So you put that thing—
[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Rectix isn’t like ordinary pills. It has a hard 5 inch capsule when placed into your rectum can stop erectile dysfunction dead in it’s tracks.
[Cut to Son]
Son: And it just dissolves up there?
Dad: No, no, [Cut to Dad and son] that’s the best part, son. It stays put for as long as you need it to work. It even comes with an attached loop [Cut to Dad showing the loop of Rectix] so you can retrieve it when you’re through.
[Cut to Son]
Son: So, it’s a butt plug.
[Cut to Dad]
Dad: A what? No. It’s a pill.
Narrator: Rectix. The all natural, fast-acting male enhancement pill.
[Cut to Son]
Son: Dad, does mom know about this?
[Cut to Mom coming out with lemonades]
Mom: Well, it was actually my idea. I was afraid your dad would never get an erection ever again.
[Cut to Dad and Mom]
Dad: One night your mother said to me, “Lay back, let’s try something.”
[Cut to Son]
Son: I really shouldn’t be hearing this.
[Cut to Dad and Mom]
Dad: Oh, I was skeptical too, son. I remember asking, “What the hell are you doing back there?”
[Cut to Mom]
Mom: And I told him, “Just relax and breathe.”
[Cut to Dad and Mom]
Dad: So I said, “What is that, like a pill or something?”
Mom: And I said, “Sure.”
Dad: And it worked. Immediately.
[Cut to Son]
Son: Okay, I got it, dad.
[Cut to Dad and Mom]
Dad: I tried other methods.
[Cut to Mom]
Mom: But none of those things worked like Rectix vibrating pills.
[Cut to Son]
Son: Wait, so it vibrates too?
[Cut to Mom]
Mom: Of course it does. What did you think? That it doesn’t?
[Cut to Son]
Son: Yeah.
[Cut to Dad and Mom]
Dad: Well, it does. You know what, son, why don’t you borrow mine?
[Cut to Son]
Son: Ew, no.
[Cut to Mom]
Mom: Relax, honey, it’s clean. Every prescription of Rectix is 100% dishwasher safe.
[Cut to Son]
Son: You put that thing in the dishwasher? Stop calling it a prescription. It’s a butt plug.
[Cut to Dad and Mom]
Dad: It’s a pill.
Mom: It’s a pill.
[Emily comes out with a lemonade for herself]
Emily: Umm, this lemonade is amazing.
[Son slaps the glass out of Emily’s hand]
Son: Don’t put your mouth on that!
[Cut to Rectix precaution video]
Narrator: Side effects might include slight discomfort, extreme discomfort and shift in couple’s power dynamics.
[Cut to Dad and Mom]
Mom: Honey, what’s gotten into you?
[Cut to Dad]
Dad: Rectix.
[Cut to Son]
Son: Oh, my god.
Dad: It’s a pill.