Chad… Beck Bennett
Beckka… Ronda Rousey
Vanessa Bayer
Kate McKinnon
Sasheer Zamata
Jon Rudnitsky
[Starts with a basketball court in college decorated with dim lights for a romantic vibe. Chad brings in Beckka.]
Chad: Keep your eyes closed.
Beckka: Of course, Chad.
Chad: No peeking. [they walk forward] Alright.
[Beckka opens her eyes. There is a table for two and a disco-ball over it.]
Sorry it’s not a fancy restaurant
Beckka: This is so much better. I love it. You did all of this for me?
Chad: Well, yeah! I like you. I just wanted tonight to be special. [they take seat]
Beckka: I can’t believe I’m sitting here with Chad Channon. I didn’t even think you knew who I was.
Chad: Are you kidding me? I’ve had a crush on you for a while. [Beckka smiles] Try your soup.
Beckka: Wow, it’s so crunchy.
Chad: Do you like it?
Beckka: What is it?
[someone laughing at the mic]
Vanessa: It’s dog food.
[All the lights turn on. There are other girls laughing at Beckka.]
Congratulations, new girl. You just ate real dog food. What’s the matter? Isn’t that what bitches eat?
[The girls come near Chad and Beckka]
Beckka: Chad, what’s going on?
Chad: What?
Vanessa: We played a trick on you, idiot! Did you really think that my boyfriend, the most popular guy at South Jeffery High would ask the weird new girl on a date? Wake up!
Beckka: You just pretended to like me chad?
Chad: Yeah, sorry.
Vanessa: How embarrassing for you. At least the whole school isn’t watching this on para-scope. Oh, wait! They are.
[Cut to Kate recording the video]
Kate: Say hi to the whole school.
Sasheer: A star is born.
Vanessa: What a shame too. She got all dolled up. Where did you get your dress? Is it from Walmart? See, I own this school. And you don’t talk to my boyfriend, and you cer–
[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face]
[Vanessa is bleeding]
It’s okay, you guys. That barely hurt. [Vanessa walks to Beckka again] I hope it was worth it new girl because I am going to ruin your life. See, when you’re the popular–
[Beckka slaps Vanessa again]
Chad: Ah!
[Vanessa has Beckka’s palm marked on her cheek]
[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face again]
Damn!
[Vanessa is clapping]
Vanessa: Bravo! But before you give an encore let me just say–
[Beckka slap-kicks Vanessa and Vanessa falls down]
[Everyone is shocked]
[Vanessa slowly stands up]
Are you mad that I knocked over the basketballs new girl?
Beckka: No. I kicked you into them.
Vanessa: Ooh, cool words. Well– [Vanessa takes a ball and throws at Beckka] Think fast!
[Beckka hits Vanessa with a ball so fast and Vanessa falls.]
[Vanessa slowly stands up]
You wanna play dirty? Give it to me. I got your diary. [reading diary] Dear Dolly.
[Beckka beats Vanessa up bad]
Chad: What?
[Vanessa is knocked out and Beckka starts walking out]
[Chad following Beckka]
Hey, Beckka. I saw what you did back there. It was pretty cool. You wanna grab a burger?
[Beckka hits Chad on his neck]
[Cut to Vanessa on the floor all beat up.]
Vanessa: I’m fine.
Male voice: One in five bullies will be a victim of mixed martial arts. Don’t be a statistic. Brought to you by BAMM! Bullies against mixed martial arts.