Aziz Ansari
Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with Aziz and Melissa getting in bed]
Aziz: Hey, baby. You’re looking good.
Melissa: What? Oh, yeah. It’s Sunday night. That’s when we have sex.
Aziz: Well, you know, don’t say it like that like it’s a hair appointment or something.
Melissa: No, I’m pumped for it. I promise. Let’s start.
[Melissa tries to cuddle]
Aziz: Well, hold on, hold on. Now, I was thinking maybe we could do something fun tonight. Try and spice things up a bit. What do you think about a little dirty talk?
Melissa: Oh, yeah, that’s hot.
Aziz: What’s up, you dirty girl?
Melissa: Yeah. What’s up you freaking alcoholic?
Aziz: Okay. Well, you know, babe, let’s not bring up my old demons, you know? I’m a little sensitive about that. How about this? Just be like, a little mean to me.
Melissa: Okay. What’s up, bitch? I make more money than you.
Aziz: Okay. Well, that’s kind of another sore spot for me. You know? Let’s keep it simple. How about you just call me daddy?
Melissa: Okay.
[Aziz and Melissa starts cuddling]
Aziz: Um, you like that?
Melissa: OH, yeah, dad. Do me, dad.
Aziz: Okay. One second. Maybe don’t say ‘dad’. Coz dad, it just sounds like you’re talking about your real dad. Like, your biological dad. Maybe we need a little structure. A little role playing.
Melissa: Umm.
Aziz: Here, I’ll lead us off. [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] Well, hello, young lady. Are you here after class for some extra tutoring?
Melissa: Oh, yeah, I am. Because I have a learning disability. When I read, the words all fall out of order.
Aziz: Okay baby, you know, the thing is that’s just kind of sad. How about, um… [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] you know, why you’re here in the principal’s office?
Melissa: Coz I brought a gun to school.
Aziz: Okay. You don’t have a gun, babe. I think– [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] I think you’re here because you have been dressing like a slut. Now give me one reason I shouldn’t kick you out of school.
Melissa: Because I want to do you.
Aziz: Oh, you are bad.
Melissa: Yeah. I’m the baddest girl on 6th grade.
Aziz: No, no, no, no, no. You can’t be in the 6th grade because– general rule, alright? Dirty talk, you’re 18, alright? Keep it legal.
Melissa: Oh, okay. But I read at 6th grade because of my learning disability.
Aziz: No, let’s move on from that, okay? Let’s keep it simple and fun, alright? Let’s start with a voice, okay? [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] Hi. [Australian accent] I’m Liam. I’m a surfer from Australia. You wanna see my didgeridoo?
Melissa: [making voice] Oh, yeah. Show it to me, wow.
Aziz: Oh yeah? What’s your name?
Melissa: Owen Wilson, baby. [She actually looks like Owen Wilson when she talks like that]
Aziz: Not Owen Wilson. You’re not– I’m not– You’re not Owen Wilson. I mean, no disrespect. I mean ‘Shanghai Nights’ all day. But you gotta do a lady’s voice.
Melissa: Am, Wanda Sykes? [speaking like Wanda Sykes] You wanna get nasty with Wands Sykes, baby? Yeah.
Aziz: Isn’t she a lesbian?
Melissa: Oh, yeah.
Aziz: It’s kind of hot!
Melissa: [speaking like Wanda Sykes] Oh yeah!
[Aziz and Melissa get under the blanket]