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Weekend Update A Spotted Lanternfly on Being an Invasive Species

Michael Che

Lantern Fly… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This summer in invasive species, the spotted lantern fly has spread throughout the Northeast destroying local vegetation. Experts are so concerned, they are encouraging people to kill them on site. And if you’ve seen one, you might agree. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to lantern fly]

Lantern Fly: I’m the spotted lantern fly. I don’t care what experts say I’m gonna eat your crop. Scientists are concerned about my high reproductive capacity cuz I’m a player. That’s why people come I’ll meet a player. My last goals are to lay eggs, be on Judge duty and to eat every crop. And there’s nothing stupid farmers can do to change my mind.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Wow. Well let’s bring him out. A spotted lantern fly everyone.

[Lantern Fly slides in] [cheers and applause]

Lantern Fly: Yeah, I love that crop. That’s right. Boo me. Y’all don’t even know me. Boo me haters. Y’all haters can kiss my ass, aka, my seminole secretion pouch.

Michael Che: Whoa! Lantern fly, you’re coming in a little aggressive.

Lantern Fly: Oh, I’m aggressive? I’m the one who’s doing the aggressing Michael Che? They’re telling their children to stomp me to death. What is this, Mazda Germany?

Michael Che: I think you mean Nazi German.
Lantern Fly: I don’t know what I mean. I’m a bug. I’m trying to live my life, find a mate and have 3-4000 babies.

Michael Che: That’s a lot of babies.

Lantern Fly: Hey, they hating, I’m mating. Okay? Who wouldn’t want to sit on this? Oh, yeah! No, look at that under wing. It’s given ruse. Yeah! This what look like y’all trying to stop me. Ugh! Ugh! Keep stomping. I look gorgeous dead, bitch.

Michael Che: Okay, lantern fly. What do you say to people accusing you of being an invasive species?

Lantern Fly: Invasive? Oh, my family has been in this country for generations. 80 of them.

Michael Che: And how long is that?

Lantern Fly: About four month?

Michael Che: Well, you’ve also been threatening to local vegetation.

Lantern Fly: Oh, how? Because I jump on a tree and stick my mouth on it and suck all the sap out till it’s dead? Oh, y’all got a problem with that? Oh, I’m here now bitch. Cash me outside. Sucking all your trees to dead.

Michael Che: Lantern fly, please calm down. I think people have the right to be upset. I mean people rely on the crops you’re destroying.

Lantern Fly: I don’t care. Crops knows what they did. Crops frighten me. And if I see crops, I’m sucking them on site.

Michael Che: Well, lantern fly, we got a little surprise for you. Crops is actually here tonight.

Lantern Fly: Oh, hell no!

Michael Che: Let’s bring crops out.

[Crop walks in shouting and trying to fight with Lantern Fly]

Crop: Try to suck me to death. Try! You can’t even try.

Lantern Fly: Yes I can.

Crop: Oh, you do lot of talking, but you ain’t doing a lot of sucking.

[Lantern Fly and Crop start fighting.]

Michael Che: Lantern fly, everybody.

Lantern Fly: Keep stomping, bitch. Keep stomping.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Sidney Powell on Being Sued by Dominion

Michael Che

Sidney Powell… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Sidney Powell tried to dismiss a lawsuit against her by dominion voting systems saying no reasonable person would believe her. Here to explain herself is Sidney Powell.

[Sidney Powell slides in] [cheers and applause]

Sidney Powell: Oh. Hey, Michael. Do you like my little bolo tie? It’s from the western wear section of Talbot’s.

Michael Che: It’s lovely. So, it seems like you’re in a lot of trouble. I mean, back in November, you went on TV many times and you said you had absolute proof that Dominion voting machines were rigged to steal the election from Donald Trump.

Sidney Powell: Fake news.

Michael Che: I’m just repeating what you said.

Sidney Powell: No. I meant me. I am fake news. According to my lawyers, nothing I say should be taken seriously. isn’t that just confusing? I’m kind of a mystery. You hear the name Sidney Powell and you think I might be an esteemed older black gentlemen like Colin Powell or Sidney Poitier. And yet, here I am, a white lady dressed like Fred Flinstone’s mother in law.

Michael Che: And now you’re getting sued?

Sidney Powell: Oh, cheese and rice, Michael. I’m gonna beat this lawsuit, okay? I come from tough stock. My Meemaw was a proud southern woman from North Carolina. And my Peepaw was a wild turkey. Okay? I’m gonna release the kraken.

Michael Che: What is that?

Sidney Powell: The kraken is an ancient sea monster but in this case, the kraken is a 65 year old woman who keeps a sack of Southern Living magazines in the back of her toilet.

Michael Che: So you’re not worried about the lawsuit?

Sidney Powell: Not a bit. Okay, actually, I am honored to be in the same company of other folks sued by Dominion. Patriots like former crackhead, turned king of pillows, Michael Lindell. And former king of New York turned crackhead Rudolph Giuliani.

Michael Che: You serious?

Sidney Powell: Michael, does this face look like I’m lying?

Michael Che: You look like the joker. And what you’re saying is probably liable.

Sidney Powell: Well, you know what they say. You can’t call it liable if it’s all jible-jable. And you can’t it slander if it sounds hoo-loo-loo-loo.

Michael Che: Nobody says that.

Sidney Powell: Michael, let me ask you a question. Did you build an ark? Cause the great flood’s coming, okay? And you are just up to your neck and water going, “Oh, where’s all my animals?” And there I’m on a big old boat holding your dog and I’m like, “Later, skater.”

Michael Che: What are you talking about?

Sidney Powell: I’m talking about the kraken, son. Okay? She’s gonna ride you hard and put you away wet coz when this kraken comes out, you’re gonna be walking with a limp, okay? All that’s gonna be left of you is Air Jordans just smoking and Colin Jost’s gonna be like, “Where’s my friend Michael Che? Where’s my friend Michael Che?” Cut to me just holding the flame thrower. Hoo-loo-loo-loo.

Michael Che: I have no idea what you’re saying.

Sidney Powell: Okay. So, what you’re saying is I’m crazy and no reasonable person would believe me? Ha! Case closed. Defense rest. Sir, you walked right into that one. But you did.

Michael Che: Sidney Powell, everybody.

Weekend Update on Eli Manning Being Benched

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Eli Manning at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York Giants announced that they were going to bench quarterback Eli Manning for the first time in 13 years. So, if you see Eli Manning looking sad, that’s just how he always looks.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an office at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new survey finds that four out of five Americans believe that sexual harassment is happening in the workplace, while one out of five couldn’t respond because their boss’s penis was blocking the keyboard.

[Picture changes to three men]

Oh, and I almost forgot about this week’s bachelor predators. It’s just a whole segment of the news now. I just gotta announce the names every week like power ball numbers.

[Picture changes to Rockefeller Center Christmas tree]

On Wednesday, the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was lit, and so was Ann Curry. [Picture changes to Ann Curry and Matt Lauer] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Matt Lauer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new allegations against Matt Lauer, the former Today show host gave a female colleague a sex toy as a gift which is a bad thing. So I guess that means I should return the secret Santa gift I got for Colin. [Picture changes to a wrapped gift, but we can see it’s a dildo.] It’s double sided.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jay Z and Beyoncé at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Okay, don’t! Don’t you pull both sides. Okay. In a new interview, Jay Z admitted that he cheated on Beyoncé. Yeah, man. We know. [Picture changes to a shot from Beyoncé’s music video ‘Lemonade’.] [Picture changes to statue of Robert E Lee]

A historian at Virginia believes that confederate statue of Robert E Lee may have a time capsule in it containing an extremely rare photo of Lincoln lying in his coffin. [Picture changes to a movie poster] Starring Nicholas Cage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and a cat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, dogs are smarter than cats. But I don’t know. I never heard of a cat falling for the peanut butter trick.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Afterglow’ poster at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A special performance of the off broadway show ‘Afterglow’ is being held this Sunday in which all the performers and the audience will be naked. It’s the play critics are calling, “Maybe not right now?”

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Being Sober

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new republican healthcare proposal could end protection for access to drug treatment and rehab. Here with his thoughts is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Hey, wad up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up?

Pete Davidson: Good, how are you?

Colin Jost: I’m doing great. So, what have you been up to since you got sober?

Pete Davidson: Um, well, they say quitting drugs is hard and that’s true, but they don’t tell you how boring it is. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Whoever said there aren’t enough hours in a day was a liar. There are so many hours in the day. 24 to be exact. Did you guys know what? Did you know there were 24 hours in a day? Coz I thought there were only six.