Weekend Update on Eli Manning Being Benched

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Eli Manning at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York Giants announced that they were going to bench quarterback Eli Manning for the first time in 13 years. So, if you see Eli Manning looking sad, that’s just how he always looks.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an office at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new survey finds that four out of five Americans believe that sexual harassment is happening in the workplace, while one out of five couldn’t respond because their boss’s penis was blocking the keyboard.

[Picture changes to three men]

Oh, and I almost forgot about this week’s bachelor predators. It’s just a whole segment of the news now. I just gotta announce the names every week like power ball numbers.

[Picture changes to Rockefeller Center Christmas tree]

On Wednesday, the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was lit, and so was Ann Curry. [Picture changes to Ann Curry and Matt Lauer] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Matt Lauer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new allegations against Matt Lauer, the former Today show host gave a female colleague a sex toy as a gift which is a bad thing. So I guess that means I should return the secret Santa gift I got for Colin. [Picture changes to a wrapped gift, but we can see it’s a dildo.] It’s double sided.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jay Z and Beyoncé at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Okay, don’t! Don’t you pull both sides. Okay. In a new interview, Jay Z admitted that he cheated on Beyoncé. Yeah, man. We know. [Picture changes to a shot from Beyoncé’s music video ‘Lemonade’.] [Picture changes to statue of Robert E Lee]

A historian at Virginia believes that confederate statue of Robert E Lee may have a time capsule in it containing an extremely rare photo of Lincoln lying in his coffin. [Picture changes to a movie poster] Starring Nicholas Cage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and a cat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, dogs are smarter than cats. But I don’t know. I never heard of a cat falling for the peanut butter trick.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Afterglow’ poster at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A special performance of the off broadway show ‘Afterglow’ is being held this Sunday in which all the performers and the audience will be naked. It’s the play critics are calling, “Maybe not right now?”

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Being Sober

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new republican healthcare proposal could end protection for access to drug treatment and rehab. Here with his thoughts is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Hey, wad up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up?

Pete Davidson: Good, how are you?

Colin Jost: I’m doing great. So, what have you been up to since you got sober?

Pete Davidson: Um, well, they say quitting drugs is hard and that’s true, but they don’t tell you how boring it is. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Whoever said there aren’t enough hours in a day was a liar. There are so many hours in the day. 24 to be exact. Did you guys know what? Did you know there were 24 hours in a day? Coz I thought there were only six.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, that’s good to know. I feel like there must have been something you did with your time off. Right?

Pete Davidson: I’ve been masturbating.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: It’s great.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I’m doing that a lot. I was on drugs for the last eight years. So now I have to get, like, all the bad kids out.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, I’m sorry. What does that mean?

Pete Davidson: I got to masturbate all the bad kids out, Colin. [Cut to Pete Davidson] There’s a bunch of dummies in there. If I had  kid right now, he would come out with a snapback and a neck tattoo.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m just– I guess I’m just going to move on from that. So, how did you become sober?

Pete Davidson: Well, I went to rehab [Cut to Pete Davidson] and here’s some advice. Never pick the rehab you want to go to while you are high. Coz that’s what I did. I just googled rehab and picked the first place that popped up. What caught my eye about this one was their main attraction was horse therapy.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What’s horse therapy?

Pete Davidson: Well, wouldn’t we all like to know, Colin? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I’m not 100% sure, but I think it’s like when you pet horses and you look at them and like heal through their horseyness. You pet them and you look them in the eye and you’re like, “You’re trapped. I’m trapped. We get thorough this.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, it actually sounds kind of nice.

Pete Davidson: It does, doesn’t it? But the first day I got to rehab, guess who is allergic to horses. So… yeah. that’s how poor I was growing up. I never even met a horse. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I remember doing the allergy test when they test you for dogs, cats and grass and all that. I remember the doctor specifically asked my mom, “Should he be tested for horses?” And she literally said, “Nah, he will never see one.” And then she said, “We’re more of a six flags type family.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. That sounds like a nightmare scenario. Rehab.

Pete Davidson: It was. Do not go to rehab that has horse therapy. If you go it will cost you 40 grand.

Colin Jost: Wait, it cost you $40,000?

Pete Davidson: To pet a horse. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You can have sex with a person for like, 50 bucks. I should have banged that horse.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!