Zombie Apocalypse High School

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Dunken… Kyle Mooney

Megan… Cecily Strong

Harry Miller… Jim Carrey

Ben… Pete Davidson

[Starts with a clip of destroyed houses. The screen reads “Powder Springs, Georgia. Kenan0 days after the zombie apocalypse.”]

Kenan: Hey, you think this buried Kater hall?
Beck: It better.

[Cut to the four survivors]

This is the last safe place in town.

Dunken: Never thought I’d be so happy to be stuck at school.

Megan: Shut up, Dunken.

Dunken: Whatever, Megan!

Kenan: Hey, somebody’s coming.

Beck: Who’s out there?

[Cut to everybody. Harry Miller is standing with a baseball bat and a cushion tied on on arm.]

Harry Miller: Hey there, neighbor. My name’s Harry Miller, seeking refuge. You went to school with my boy, Ben.

Megan: Oh, yeah! Ben Miller. I had science with him.

Beck: You ain’t been bit, right?

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Do I look like I’ve been bit, y’all? Could a zombie do this? A-B-C-D-E-F-G– and the rest?

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Very impressive. Clear path for him boys.

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Ben, come on now. Come on boy.

[Harry Miller has Ben who is a zombie on a rod leash. He is hitting him with the baseball bat.] [Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Uh, Ben’s a zombie, dude!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Ben? That’s bananas.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Now, look at him. It’s not bananas at all.

Megan: He’s acting all sparling.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Anyone can tell this boy suffers from classic case of ADHD.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat] [Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Ay! He’s trying to say flesh. And that is a zombie word.

Dunken: Yeah! Plus, if he’s not a zombie then why am I like, super scared of him?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Oh, I get it. Y’all don’t want him in there because you think he different. Well, you know what? He is different. He likes art, he reads books that challenge him. That’s why we can’t come in, right?

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat] [Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: [putting on some lip gloss] He’s right, y’all. We shouldn’t not let Ben in just because he is a bookworm.

Dunken: Where did you even get the lip gloss, Megan?

Megan: I looted it from Sephora.

Beck: Ah! Dude, Ben’s eating a hand.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Ben is eating a hand.]

Harry Miller: [Hitting Ben with the bat] Hey, put that down.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket hiding from the other four survivors]

Here, I tell you what. For now, just take this. Eat it.

[Ben eats it] [Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Oh! You just fed him brain. I saw it.

Kenan: Come on! Why wasting our time, man? He’s a zombie. You’re not. I mean, this is just straight up stupid?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What does he have to do to get in there? Put on a show? I mean, he does impressions. Do one Ben.

[Cut to Ben. He’s just screaming like a zombie.] [Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: I’ll give you a hint. Talks real slow. Stares at you with dead eyes. It’s Brian Williams.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: Oh, my god! That is good, right?

Beck: Watch out!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Another zombie tries to attack Harry Miller but Ben stops him] [Cut to Ben and another zombie. They talk in zombie language then bite each other’s flesh.] [Cut to Harry Miller, Ben and the other zombie. The other zombie leaves.]

Harry Miller: That’s my boy. Bossing around with his pals.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Why are you keeping this up? Your son speaks to zombies.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Well, I speak a few words Spanish, that don’t make me a Mexican.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: You know what? Last chance, dude! You can come in but your zombie son can’t.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Alright. Guess I’m busted. He is a zombie.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: We know!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Let me just say goodbye to my boy. Will You? Now Ben.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

Now, you listen here Ben. You gotta be your own man Ben. Ben, you gotta be your own man, make an ashed dead girl a happy, happy dead girl. Marry her, fall in love. Have a baby and eat it. Here.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket]

I want you to have this. It’s the last little bit of brain your mama had.

[Ben eats it]

Now you go on and be the zombie [crying] that I know you can be. Well, I guess one more hug wouldn’t hurt. Come here.

[When Harry Miller tries to hug Ben, he bites him on the shoulder.]

Oh, god! Oh, my god! That was just not really smart thing to–

[Harry Miller is also growling now. They walk to the four survivors] [Cut to the four survivors. Harry Miller and Ben are trying to reach them]

Dunken: I’ll get the crossbows.

Megan: Get right, Dunken. You suck at shooting.

Dunken: Shut up, Megan!

[Ends with the clip of the destroyed house]

Kissing Video Game Characters

Taran Killam

Bret… Bobby Moynihan

Video game girl… Venessa Bayer

Video game boy… Chris Pratt

Sasheer Zamata

Ben… Pete Davidson

Puzzle Wizard… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with some people in the office. They are testing a game.]

Taran: Alright guys, I would say thank you for your time but we’re playing you to play video games. So, maybe you should be thanking me.

Bret: Yeah, my mom said we would get 25 bucks.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: That is correct. Up to $25 in food vouchers. Now, your input is going to help make Puzzle World six the best game possible. So, all we want is your honest first impression, alright? So, Bret, why don’t you start off.

[They start testing the game.] [Cut to the game. A man and a woman walk in.]

Video game girl: We need your help. The puzzle wizard put a spell on our world.

Video game boy: If you don’t help us solve these puzzles, he’ll destroy all the beloved happiness.

Video game girl: To clear each stage, use the pieces to complete the shape.

Video game boy: We’ll be right here cheering you on.

Video game girl: Ready?

Video game girl and Video game boy: Go for it!

[The puzzle gets solved]

Video game girl: Way to go.

Video game girl and Video game boy: You did it!

[Video game girl and Video game boy start kissing] [Cut to the testers staring at the game] [Cut to Video game girl and Video game boy. They start feeling each other’s bodies.]

Video game girl: I feel so safe in your arm.

Video game boy: You are.

[Video game girl jumps off]

Video game girl: Press A for the next puzzle.

[Cut to the testers.]

Taran: That was great. Does anybody have any feedback on that?

[All testers raise their hands.]

Oh, wow. Alright. Bret, go ahead.

[Cut to Bret]

Bret: Okay, those two people just gently kissed for a long time.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yeah, that doesn’t seem like it goes with this kind of game.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Um, well they’re celebrating your puzzle solving skills. Remember, you’re helping them restore love to their kingdom.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: But I felt like I saw too much, kind of like, hot tension.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Uh-huh. Well, guys, this is Puzzle World six. Okay? So, we gotta step up the story telling as well as the game play.

[Cut to Bret]

Bret: Okay, well, the game play was like, stupid easy.

[Cut to everybody. Taran is jotting down the point.]

Taran: Stupid easy. Alright, that helps. Great! Why don’t you do the next one?

[Cut to Sasheer. She holds the joystick.] [Cut to the game.]

Video game girl: Stage two. Complete this shape.

Video game boy: The faster you do it, the more points you get.

Video game girl: Ready?

Video game girl and Video game boy: Go for it!

[The puzzle gets solved]

Video game girl: Way to go.

Video game girl and Video game boy: You did it!

[Video game girl and Video game boy start kissing again. Video game girl starts unbuttoning Video game boy’s shirt.]

Video game boy: No. Please.

Video game girl: What?

Video game boy: I was in a terrible accident. [Video game girl sees a burn in Video game boy’s shoulder] I was in an explosion. I am hideous.

Video game girl: Shh! Shh! You’re beautiful. [Video game girl starts kissing Video game boy’s burn] [Video game girl and Video game boy look forward]

Video game girl: Great job!

Video game boy: You got serious puzzle power.

[Cut to the testers]

Sasheer: How many levels are in this game?

Taran: Uh, fifty-five. So, we better get going. Ben, jump in here.

[Cut to Ben. He holds the joystick.]

Ben: Oh, man!

[Cut to the game]

Video game girl: Stage three. Go.

[Video game girl starts talking to Video game boy]

You have to leave.

Video game boy: What? Why?

Video game girl: You know why. I am married.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Ah! Their relationship drama is blocking the puzzle. I can’t play. I can’t play the game.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Shh! [He is eating popcorn while watching the game.] [Cut to the testers]

Bret: Ah! Okay! Okay! Enough! Enough! Quit the game. Quit the game.

[Cut to Video game girl and Video game boy]

Video game girl and Video game boy: Oh, no! Game over.

[Puzzle Wizard walks in]

Puzzle Wizard: Evil wins, fools! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to the testers]

Taran: Um, excuse me Bret. We still have like Video game girl more hours of testing. That’s gonna go pretty slow if you keep quitting the game.

Bret: I don’t care. You can keep the $25. I just can’t take anymore of that.

Taran: What?

[Cut to Video game boy and Puzzle Wizard holding Video game girl together.]