Weekend Update Derek Zoolander and Hansel

Colin Jost

Derek Zoolander… Ben Stiller

Hansel… Owen Wilson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week was fashion week in New York city. Here to comment on the latest trends in men’s fashion, please welcome Derek Zoolander and Hansel.

[Derek Zoolander and Hansel slide in] [cheers and applause]

Wow. You know, I gotta say, you guys look really great.

Derek Zoolander: Oh, no.

Hansel: You don’t have to say that.

Colin Jost: And now, tell us, what’s the latest from Fashion Week?

Hansel: No, no. Listen Colin, we’re not here to talk about fashion. We’re here to talk about the one thing everyone wants to hear male models talk about. Politics.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what specifically about politics?

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Hansel: Fashion.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Have you been following the current candidates?

Derek Zoolander: Well, as you know [Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel] they just held the Iowa Kus-kus. Which I skipped because I don’t need carbs.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Well, the big story was that Hillary Clinton won in Iowa.

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Hansel: Well you know, Hillary is from the 90s which are very hot right now.

Derek Zoolander: So hot.

Hansel: They remade the X-files and full house and I don’t know if you saw this on the news Tuesday, but OJ Simpson killed again.

Derek Zoolander: Hillary style reminds me of one of my old time fashion icons. Kim Jong Un. Not to name drop but I’m pretty good friends with his sister, Kim Kardashi-Un.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Alright, and what about Bernie Sanders?

Derek Zoolander: Bernie is the champion of the 99%. Apparently, the 99% off the JC Fendi.

Hansel: Yeah, look at that suit. Hey, Chernobyl called. They want their disaster back.

Derek Zoolander: Yeah. And then Chernobyl called back and they were like, “Look at that suit!”

Hansel: You know, Bernie is getting lots of young people to vote. But remember kids, voting can be dangerous. One time I was voting and suddenly the booth came in on me. And I was falling and falling into the swirling vortex of light when suddenly I realized, Hansel, haven’t you been drinking Ayahuasca for six straight days? And couldn’t some of this maybe be in your head? And it was. Turns out I can’t even vote. I’m a felon.

Derek Zoolander: Cool story Hansel. Next, we got Tom Cruise. [Cut to picture of Ted Cruz] He has totally let himself go. This is a real Mission Impossible for a stylist.

Hansel: Makes me wanna keep my eyes wide shut!

Derek Zoolander: Yeah. He should take his top gun and do some risky business with a cocktail. Jerry McGuire.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Guys, that’s not Tom Cruise. It’s Ted Cruz with a Z.

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Derek Zoolander: Zed Cruz? That isn’t even a name.

Hansel: Come on, Colin. Take it easy.

Derek Zoolander: Yeah. Why don’t you pop a xanax and chill like your buddy Lester Holt!

[Cut to Michael Che.] [Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: No, no. Alright, I hesitate to ask you guys this. What do you think of Trump?

Derek Zoolander: Oh, we love him.

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Hansel: OH yeah.

Derek Zoolander: Donnie’s just like us. He has the classic male model looks.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Male model like, you mean like, Lu Steel?

Derek Zoolander: Exactly. But Donnie had Orange Mocha Crapaccino. And this one’s called Hot Mess. And finally after Iowa, He’s got a new signature look, Second Place.

Colin Jost: Derek Zoolander and Hansel everyone. For Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Michael Cohen Hearing Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 14

Rep. Elijah Cummings … Kenan Thompson

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Jim Jordan… Bill Hader

Jackie Speier… Heidi Gardner

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Rep. Paul Gosar… Kyle Mooney

Rep. Mark Meadows… Alex Moffat

[Starts with C-SPAN channel program schedule]

Narrator: You’re watching C-Span. Sorry, I read that wrong. You’re watching C-Span? We now tune into congressional oversight committee hearing where president Trump’s personal lawyer, [Cut to Michael Cohen Testimony house oversight committee] Michael Cohen is about to give sworn testimony.

[Cut to congressmen and congresswomen sitting for the testimony] [Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: All rise. All right. I would like to get this hearing under way. I want this to stay professional. Okay? If you hear something outrageous, please do not ‘Ooh’ and ‘Ah’. This is not ‘Married with Children’. Also, I’m told that I should tease this, because it’s all anyone cares about anyone. Coming up, a performance by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She smiles, winks and greets.] [Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

All right. Now, for any other president, this hearing would be the most damning and humiliating moment of their lives, but for Trump it’s just Wednesday. So, please welcome our witness, Mr. Michael Cohen. [Cut to Michael Cohen takes seat] Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Cohen.

[Michael Cohen trying to figure out who is talking to him]

Michael Cohen: Sorry, who said that?

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m right here. I’m right here in front of you.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Elijah Cummings at the left and Michael Cohen at the right]

Michael Cohen: Oh, there you are. All right. Thank you.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Now, Mr. Cohen, I understand you would like to read a prepared statement.

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. If it pleases the court.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m not a judge. I’m a congressman. And Mr. Cohen, you wrote this statement yourself?

Michael Cohen:  Yes. But I had some help from the guys who wrote ‘Green Book’.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. You may begin.

Michael Cohen: Ladies and gentlemen of jury.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Not a court.

Michael Cohen: Thank you [Cut to Michael Cohen] for inviting me here today to correct the record under oath. Of course, the first time I testified was also under oath. But this time, I like, really mean it. I’m here today to tell you that Mr. Trump is a racist. [Michael Cohen pauses expecting reaction from the committee] Wow. I thought there would be a bigger reaction. But he’s also a con man and a cheat. And to prove it, I’m providing the committee today with several documents. This is a check that Mr. Trump wrote me as reimbursement for ‘hush’ money paid to Stormy Daniels. [Cut to Donald Trump’s check of $35,000 named to Michael Cohen] [Cut to Michael Cohen] And this is a copy of the check I wrote to miss Daniels. [Cartoon check of $130,000 named to Stephine Clifford, a.k.a Stormy Daniels] [Cut to Michael Cohen] I’m also including a copy of the threatening letter I sent to Mr. Trump’s high school, warning them not to release his SAT scores. In conclusion, I know that I was wrong. And I know it because I got caught. For too many years, I was loyal to a man when I should not have been, now I know how Khloe Kardashian feels.  But now, I’m all out of faith. This is how I feel. I’m cold and I’m ashamed and lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. Thank you.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Great. Now, I’d like to open the floor so the republicans can get angry at everyone except the president. The chair recognizes the congressman from Ohio, Mr. Jordan.

[Cut to Jim Jordan very angry]

Jim Jordan: Good afternoon, Mr. Chariman. Good afternoon to you, you lying piece of [yelling] human trash!

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Thank you, I really appreciate that. [Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him]

Jim Jordan: Where are you looking? I’m right here!

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey. Great. Thank you.

Jim Jordan: Mr. Chairman, you’re right. I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to sit here through this two-bit dirt bag flee circus. [Cut to Jim Jordan] I’m so angry I couldn’t even wear a jacket today. You know something, Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] I’ve never even heard of you!

Michael Cohen: Your mother has.

Jim Jordan: Hey, hey, hey. You don’t sass me, with your liar mouth. Oh, I’m about to [yelling] pop off! You have been working in some of the sleaziest circles in America for years. What other criminals and lowlifes have you worked for?

Michael Cohen: I was the deputy finance chairman for the republican party.

Jim Jordan: What? Is that true? Oh, Damn it. I yield of the rest of my time.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. The chair recognizes the congresswoman from California, Mrs. Speier.

[Cut to Jackie Speier]

Jackine Speier: Yeah, I would like to yield my time back to Jim Jordan, so he can continue digging his own grave.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Aw, damn it! Okay. Fine, fine. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Mr. Cohen—[Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him] I’m right here! I’m right in front of you!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry, Mr. Cohen. Are you having trouble identifying where sounds are coming from?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: I am. Thank you.

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Jim Jordan: Unreal. Mr. Cohen, why are we supposed to believe you now? I mean, you lied about Trump being a good guy. You lied about Trump not committing any crimes. You lied about Trump not– damn it, I’m doing it again. [Cut to Jim Jordan] Come back to me. Damn it! Idiot!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: The chair recognizes the congresswoman from Florida. Mrs. Wasserman Schultz.

[Cut to Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz]

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Yes, hello. Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Hold for groans. Hold for groans. Mr. Cohen, for this portion of the hearing, I would like us both to lean into our New York accents so hard, that our viewers will think they’re stuck line at Zabar’s. Is that all right?

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Forget about it.

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Thank you chairman. I yield rest of my time to Jim Jordan as a prank on him.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Oh, [yelling] come on! Okay fine. You want to prank? I’m going to quote directly from the southern district document against Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Okay, Mr. Cohen appears to have lost his moral compass. Burn! Mr. Cohen has pled guilty to a smorgasbord a fraudulent activity.

Michael Cohen: Yeah, and right after that it says, “At the direct of President Trump.”

Jim Jordan: It does? [yelling] Oh, damn it. [Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings] Come back to me.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, I absolutely will. The congressman recognizes the congressman from Arizona. Mr. Gosar.

[Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar]

Rep. Paul Gosar: Yeah, I just want to say one thing, Mr. Cohen. You are a path– pathro- pathlo– pathological [yelling] liar. You don’t even know truth from frictionals.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Excuse me?

Rep. Paul Gosar: Hey, [yelling] no! I’m trucking here. When it’s your truck, you truck! You are the liar. That has been estabrished. [Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar] That’s why I put this up. [There’s a poster of Michael Cohen that says ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire’] Liar, liar, pants are fire. [yelling] Do you know what that means?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Honesly, not really. I’m having trouble understanding a lot what you are saying.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Rep. Paul Gosar: I will tell you what it means, Mr. Lohan. It means if you lie, pants are fire. If you truth, pants are goof.

Michael Cohen: Do you need medical attention?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Wow, that was out standing. The chair recognizes the congressman from North Carolina.

[Cut to Rep. Mark Meadows]

Rep. Mark Meadows: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Now, I couldn’t help but hear Mr. Cohen call the president a racist. But it just so happens that I brought with me a black woman [Ego Nwodim comes in] and she works for Trump, don’t you? [Ego Nwodim nods her head] Uh-huh. Her name is Omarosa.

Ego Nwodim: No, no.

Rep. Mark Meadows: And she has stood by Trump’s side since the first season of the apprentice.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that is not me. Can I leave?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, yes. Absolutely. Save yourself because I am shutting this down right now so I can give a quick sermon to call everybody in this room a damn fool. Because you all have lost your damn minds. But this hearings has been going on for seven hours so let’s take a break and then, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will probably do a dance, is that right?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: No, I was going to ask carefully researched questions.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Yeah, clearly that is not what today is about. Mr. Cohen, any final words?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. Look, maybe I’m not a good person. Maybe I’m a liar. Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe I ruined hundreds of people’s lives.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry. Is there a but coming?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: No, there isn’t Thank you. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

It’s a Wonderful Trump Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 9

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne… Kate McKinnon

Donald Jr. Trump… Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Melania… Cecily Strong

Hernia… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Mike Pense… Beck Bennett

Brett Kavanaugh… Matt Damon

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a black and white video clip of bell ringing] [Cut to address board saying ‘You are in Washington, D.C.’][Cut to video clips of White House office]

Unknown speaker 1: And lord, please help Donald Trump. He’s not a good man, but he is in trouble.

Unknown speaker 2: Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help Mr. Trump tonight. He’s a nightmare, but he’s all I got.

Melania: Please send an angel to help my Donald tonight. Oh, and I would also like a Cartier watch, thank you.

[Cut to Donald Trump coming out to the balcony]

Donald Trump: Well, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I might actually eat a salad and explode.

[Clarence walks to Donald Trump]

Clarence: What seems to be trouble, Donald?

Donald Trump: Who are you? Stay back.

Clarence: Relax, I mean you no harm. My name is Clarence. And I was send here from heaven. I heard you are in trouble.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s awful. Everything is falling apart. Sometimes I wish I had never been president.

Clarence: A world where you were never president, hey? I think we can arrange that.

[Cut to intro of ‘It’s a Wonderful Trump’] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence walk into the room full of people]

Donald Trump: Wow! Everyone looks so different. What are those things on their faces?

Clarence: Those are called smiles.

[Sarah walks to Donald Trump]

Sarah: Hey, Mr. Trump, [Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump] I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.

Donald Trump: It’s President Trump, Sarah.

Sarah: Oh, that’s a good one! Seriously though, I just wanted to thank you for suggesting I go into PR. I’ve made so much money working for so many awesome companies like Facebook and Ashley Madison and The Romaine Lettuce Association. Merry Christmas Donald. [Sarah leaves]

Donald Trump: Wait, Sarah isn’t my press secretary?

Clarence:  I told you, Donald. You don’t have a press secretary. Because you weren’t elected president.

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, my god, you look incredible! So healthy and vibrant.

Kellyanne: Actually that’s because I’m actually no longer eaten from within by lies. And after we lost the campaign, the devil did give me my soul back. So, excuse me, [Cut to Kellyanne] I have to go find my husband, who I do speak to now. [Kellyanne leaves] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wait, so Hillary is president?

Clarence: That’s right. In this reality, all she had to do to win was visit Wisconsin once.

Donald Trump: But, did they find her e-mails?

Clarence: They did. They were all bed, bath and beyond coupons.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric walks to Donald Trump]

Don Jr.: Hello, father.

Donald Trump: Oh, my sons, [Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence] my boys, Don Jr. and Eric. Eric is that a Rubik’s cube?

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: And finito, haha. That’s Italiano for finished.

[Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What the hell is happening with Eric?

Don Jr.: Well, since Eric does not run the entire Trump Organization, he was able to attend adult education classes.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: Merry Christmas, father. Or as they say in Spanish, Feliz Nasty-dad.

Don Jr.: You got a way to go buddy. [Don Jr. and Eric leave] [Melania walks to Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, so nice to see you. How are you?

Donald Trump: Melania, what happened to your accent?

[Cut to Melania]

Melania: Oh, I lost it after we got divorced. They said being around you all the time was hurting my language skills.

[Cut to Melania and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you’re still smocking hot! Are you holding up okay?

Melania: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cut to Melania] I have a huge real estate empire now. I figured if Donald can do it, anyone can do it. And I’m happily remarried to Papa John.

[Hernia walks near Melania][Cut to Hernia, Melania, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: And who is this woman?

Melania: Oh, don’t you recognize her? She’s your new wife Hernia.

Clarence: Yeah, she was a suitcase girl in the Serbian version of “Deal or No Deal”.

[Cut to Hernia and Melania]

Hernia: It’s called “Potato or No Potato”. And I did this. [Gesturing as if she’s opening something and moving her lips as saying “potato”.] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Jackpot.

Clarence: I’ll say. I’m an angel. But I ain’t no angel. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Cohen walks to Donald Trump and hugs him]

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, Merry Christmas!

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, shouldn’t you be in jail after you flipped on me?

Michael Cohen: What? I would never, ever flip on you. [Cut to Michael Cohen] You’re my best friend. And since it’s Christmas, I just want to say, you taught me everything I know.

Donald Trump: Oh, come on, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: No, it’s true. Every single thing I’ve done is because [Cut to Michael Cohen] you directed me to do it. And I hope everyone knows it. We’re a team like O.J. and Kato, or Lyle and Erik Menendez.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, Merry Christmas, Michael.

Michael Cohen: And I’ll see you tomorrow at the grand opening of Trump Tower Moscow!

[Michael Cohen leaves] [Music starts playing]

Donald Trump: Wait, what’s that music?

Clarence: Mike Pense is deejaying.

[Cut to Mike Pense deejaying] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Mike, is that what you’re doing now?

[Cut to Mike Pense]

Mike Pense: Oh, hell yeah, dog. It’s so great to be myself. Thank god I was never your vice president. I would just be sitting in meetings with you and Pelosi and Schumer just staring out in space imagining this. [Mike Pense starts dancing] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow. So everyone is better off without me being president.

Clarence: Well, not just them. You’re better off too.

[Cut to a doctor standing beside Donald Trump]

Doctor: Oh, my god, Donald. Your hair, it worked!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What is she talking about?

Clarence: Well, this is a Muslim immigrant from Syria. She was allowed to come to America. And she discovered a permanent solution for hair loss.

Donald Trump: My god, it’s all real. If there’s no Muslim ban, what about a potential terrorist attack?

Clarence: Well, it was foiled by a team of transgender NAVY S.E.A.L.S.

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh walking in]

Brett Kavanaugh: All right, when is the party getting started? Whew!

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Brett Kavanaugh, how is the supreme court?

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh]

Brett Kavanaugh: Me on the supreme court? With my temperament, are you insane? No, they went with that nerd Merrick Garland. But on the plus side when I tell people I like beer, they find it charming and not like I’m threatening violence. Plus, I have so much more time now to hang out with P.J. and Squee and Needle Dick Nick and no means yes Nate. [Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence] Hey, I brought a little present for you. It’s a calendar. And every day is a different beer.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Brett.

Brett Kavanaugh: Merry Christmas, everyone. Let’s do this! [Brett Kavanaugh leaves]

Donald Trump: But Clarence, what about my agenda, all of the things I wanted to accomplish as president?

Clarence: Well, that’s the best part about not being president. You can still say the same stuff, build a wall, bring back coal. But you don’t have to deal with the fact that all of your ideas are impractical or insane. So Americans love you.

Donald Trump: Wow, this is all so great. It’s like Robert Mueller doesn’t exist.

[Cut to Robert Mueller walking in] [Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Robert Mueller: Oh, really? Hello, Mr. Trump. I have waited for this moment for a long time.

Donald Trump: Mr. Mueller, I’ve been meaning to come and talk to you, but, golf.

Robert Mueller: I have something for you.

Donald Trump: Is it a subpoena or your final report?

Robert Mueller: No, report? [Cut to Robert Mueller] No, no. No, it’s a picture of my grandson. I’ve been spending so much more time with him since I don’t have to investigate some idiot for treason.

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, it sounds like you know I used to be president.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I know everything. Everything!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow, this night has put everything into perspective. I have had an epiphany. I guess the world does need me to be president after all.

Clarence: Yeah, that was not the lesson at all.

Donald Trump: I want to be president again! I want to be president again!

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Listen, Donald, every time a bell rings, [The video changes to color video with everyone in the scene] someone you know quits or goes to jail.

Donald Trump: So I am president again! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Clarence: No, not the lesson!

Donald Trump: So Merry Christmas, everyone! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Trump Argentina Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 7

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia… Fred Armisen

[Donald is sleepless at night and is standing in the hallway. Melania comes to call Donald to sleep]

Melania Trump: Donald, Donald come to bed.

Donald Trump: Melania, Melania, I’m having trouble sleeping. I keep having this nightmare where I’m walking through a forest of blood.

Melania Trump: No, no, that was just my Christmas decorations. What’s the matter, Donald? Do you not like Argentina?

Donald Trump: No, I love Argentina. There are a bunch of old German guys who are really into what I’m saying there.

Melania Trump: Yes, and our dinner with the Chinese president went well.

Donald Trump: I know, it was hilarious. Every time he said something, I sad in bed.

Melania Trump: Yes. Very funny. So what’s wrong?

Donald Trump: I just can’t stop thinking about this Mueller investigation. Sometimes it almost feels like he’s coming after me.

Melania Trump: Oh, cheer up, Donald! You know worst case scenario. You will go to prison, and you have to transfer your money to me for safe keeping, and I have to hire a jacked hunk to protect me. I mean that’s worse case. In fact, I’m going to go think about that worse case while I soak in the bathtub.

[Melania goes to bath]

Donald Trump: All right. I’ll be in soon, Honey. Oh, Donnie, you’ve really done it this time. Because you got to face all of those European leaders again. They just hate me because I’m a nationalist. What did nationalism ever do to Europe?

[Rudy comes to the screen acting weird]

Rudy Giuliani: Hi, Hi. [Cut to Rudy] [Cut to Rudy and Donald]

Donald Trump: Rudy, where did you come from?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I was hanging upside down under the balcony.

Donald Trump: What’s the latest on the mother probe?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, the good news is it’s almost over.

Donald Trump: And the bad news?

Rudy Giuliani: It’s almost over.

Donald Trump: How is my legal defense coming?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, I’m involved, so it’s not great. This might be the first time someone’s lawyer pleads insanity.

Donald Trump: God, I want to fire you, Rudy, but I can’t. You know all of my secrets.

Rudy Giuliani: Yep, and I keep those secrets where no one can find them, on nationally televised interviews. Okay. I need to run some errands before the sunrises. Good night, Donald.

[Rudy opens her hands side, he has bat wings under his arms][Rudy leaves the screen]

Donald Trump: Good-bye, Rudy. All alone again. No one understands me. Who can I call?  Someone who I know will always answer.

[Screen splits. Donald on the left side and Michael on the right side]

Michael Cohen: Yes, hello? Michael Cohen speaking. I’ll tell you anything you want.

Donald Trump: Michael, Michael, it’s Donald.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, I’m not supposed to be talking to you.

Donald Trump: Come one. Michael.

Michael Cohen: I’m gonna get in trouble.

Donald Trump: But Mikey, Mikey Coco, I need a bowl of my Mikey Coco Puffs.

Michael Cohen: Okay, fine, I can’t say no to my Donald Trump-luphogus.

Donald Trump: There we go. You got to get me out of this. Who can I give up to the feds? What if I put my son Eric in some old age make-up and a fat suit and say it’s me?

Michael Cohen: I’m not sure it will work, sir.

Donald Trump: Trust me, Eric will never catch on.

Michael Cohen: Sorry, Mr.Trump, It’s over.

Donald Trump: Well, Michael, at least there are some things they can never take away from us. Our late night talks.

Michael Cohen: They got them on tape.

Donald Trump: Our vacations to Moscow.

Michael Cohen: They seized the records.

Donald Trump: What about our hairstylist, the blind man with the shaky hands?

Michael Cohen: He died like, months ago.

Donald Trump: I’m sad you’re going to prison, Michael. You were like a son to me.

Michael Cohen: Then why did you make me do so many illegal stuff?

Donald Trump: Because you’re like a son to me. Goodbye, Michael.

[Cut to Donald]

God, I haven’t been this upset since I flipped out over that parking space. How can anyone think I colluded with Russia?

Vladimir Putin: [Vladimir comes in topless]

] Donnie, why are you still up? Come back to bed, babe.

Donald Trump: I’m sorry, I can’t believe you and the crown prince of Saudi Arabia had the whole handshake yesterday.

Vladimir Putin: What that? That meant nothing to me. It was just a totally improvised handshake. I’m not like, bros with him or anything.

[Prince comes in]

Crown Prince: Hey, Vladi Daddy!

Vladimir Putin: Hey, in the end.

Vladimir Putin and Crown Prince: Number one!

Donald Trump: Wait, I thought I was your number one.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, totally. You’re not my side piece. You’re like my main girlfriend, and this guy is like a random hooker.

Crown Prince: Bro, [Cut to Vladimir and Prince] remember when we all race dune buggies last week?

Vladimir Putin: Yeah. And I was like did you really kill that journalist?

Crown Prince: I was like of course, I didn’t, on opposite day!

[Vladimir and Prince are doing their handshake][Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: Well, Vlad, I’m sorry I had to cancel our meeting.

Vladimir Putin: No, I get it, Donnie. Hey, when am I moving into Trump Tower penthouse in Moscow? No, I’m kidding. I would never set a foot in a dump like that.

Crown Prince: Vladdy, check it. When I killed that guy the other day, Trump  was like, “Oh, please tell me you didn’t do it.” I was like, “Bitch, you want your oil or not?”

[Vladimir and Prince doing high-fives]

Vladimir and Prince: One, two, three, four!

Vladimir Putin: Anyway, you won’t see me for a while, Donnie. I prefer presidents who don’t get indicted.

Crown Prince: Come on, I’ll buy you a llama, and we’ll get it drunk.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, you’re so actually rich, I love you. Peace out.

[Vladimir and Prince leave]

Donald Trump: Wow, who knows what tomorrow will bring? For now, I guess, all I can say is

[Donald starts singing with his arms wide open]

Don’t cry for me Argentina

The truth I’m very guilty

Some little no-nos and maybe treason

But I kept my promise oops no, I didn’t

[Everyone comes into the screen singing]

Everybody: Don’t cry for us Argentina

Melania Trump: The truth is I barely know him

Vladimir and Prince: All through our wild days

Rudy: My mad existence

Michael: It’s just a witch-hunt

Everybody: And we’re all witches

And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!