Tina Fey Audience Questions Monologue

Tina Fey

Jerry Seinfeld

Benedict Cumberbatch

Chris Rock

Robert De Niro

Fred Armisen

Anne Hathaway

Donald Glover

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey.

[Tina Fey walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Thank you, guys. It is so great to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. We’ve had a lovely time here this week. In fact, I realized it’s been 20 years since I started working here. [cheers and applause] Yeah. And I got here on Monday. And people in the crew came up to me in the studio and said, “Welcome home.” And it just made me feel so bad that I didn’t remember their names.

Also, kind of exciting, yesterday was my birthday. [cheers and applause] Yeah. I turned 60. No. Not really. I just say that so that people will be like, “Wow! You look amazing.” And since it is my birthday this week, they said that I could do anything I wanted for my monologue, so I would like to take some questions from the audience. So, does anybody have a question? Yes, you sir.

Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, hi. I have a question. [cheers and applause] Do you think the show has too many celebrity cameos these days? Because I’m worried the cast isn’t getting a chance to grow.

Tina Fey: Um, yeah. I agree. Actually, I think it kind of hurts the show a little bit. Thank you. Um, yes, you sir.

Beck Bennett: Um, yes–

Tina Fey: [interrupting] No, sir, I’m pointing at the man behind you.

[Beck Bennett walks away. Benedict Cumberbatch is behind him.] [cheers and applause]

Benedict Cumberbatch: Yeah. Is Kenan Thompson gonna be on the show tonight?

Tina Fey: Um, yeah. Kenan will definitely be on the show tonight.

Benedict Cumberbatch: He’s great. But have you ever thought about replacing Kenan with a slightly more famous person? It could be fun.

Tina Fey: Ah! I don’t think that’s been suggested. But I’ll pass it along. Thank you. Yes, anyone else? Uh, yes! Right over there, sir.

Chris Rock: Ah! Never mind. [cheers and applause] He already asked my question. [pointing at Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tina Fey: Oh! Yes, you, sir.

Robert De Niro: Yeah, I just wanted to ask [cheers and applause] with all of the make up, I mean, could you tell that I was Robert Mueller?

Tina Fey: Yes, Mr. De Niro, we knew that was you. Yeah.

Rovert De Niro: Okay. Okay. That’s a relief because this could be, you know, a big break for me.

Tina Fey: Yes. Oh! Yes, hey. it’s Fred Armisen. Okay.

[cheers and applause]

Fred Armisen: Hi, Tina. I have  question. Do you think it’s weird that so many former cast members hang around the show all the time?

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah. It just seem to be a lot of us. But I don’t know. Does it seem weird to you?

Fred Armisen: No. I think it’s great!

Tina Fey: Yeah, but doesn’t a part of you feel like, “Oh, when we come back we take up time that should go to new people on the show?”

Fred Armisen: You know what? That’s a good point. I guess we shouldn’t take up all that time that the new people could be using. You look great, by the way.

Tina Fey: Oh, thanks. You look great too.

Fred Armisen: Thank you. I’m on this whole new program. I’m walking a lot. And I’m trying to do more of regular sleep schedule. I’m drinking a lot of juice.

Tina Fey: Sounds really healthy, Fred.

Fred Armisen: It’s so important. Next time you’re in LA, I’m gonna take you to my juice guy. He’s Brazilian. He only speaks Portuguese. He does this thing where he puts a lot of the pulp in the juices so you get more of the fiber. Otherwise, you know, you’re just getting the sugar and the water. And that’s not enough. The fiber is what your body really wants. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. The new people. They should get more camera time. Yeah.

Tina Fey: Yeah. Oh, yes. Over here.

Anne Hathaway: Hi. [cheers and applause] So, that was actually Robert De Niro?

Tina Fey: Um, yes. Yes, it was.

Anne Hathaway: [gesturing her mind blown] Wow!

Tina Fey: Yes! Another guest, over here.

Jerry Seinfeld: Hi, yeah. Me again. How come you haven’t asked me to play anyone from the news? I literally live down the street.

Tina Fey: Yeah. That’s a great question. I don’t know why they haven’t asked you to play someone from the news. I’m not in charge of that.

Jerry Seinfeld: I mean, what about Steve Mnuchin? People say I look a little bit like him.

Tina Fey: Do you want to play Steve Mnuchin?

Jerry Seinfeld: I don’t know who he is, but if I look like him, you know? Give me something to do.

Tina Fey: Okay. Well, there’s a sign up sheet in the hall. Anybody else? Oh, yeah.

Donald Glover: Yeah. Hey. [cheers and applause] I was here a couple of weeks ago and I forgot my hat. I think I left it in the host dressing room.

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah. I think I saw that. I’ll try to get that back to you.

Donald Glover: Okay, cool. But just so you know, I have this system in place. So I’ll be able to tell if you wore it or not. So…

Tina Fey: Okay. Well, if there are no other questions, then I guess we are done.

[Tracy Morgan walks on stage] [cheers and applause]

Tracy Morgan: No, we are not, Tina. Well, if you thought I was gonna forget to surprise you on your birthday, you are crazy. On behalf of everyone here and everyone watching at home, or at a bus station, happy birthday Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Aw, thank you Tracy. My birthday was actually yesterday though.

Tracy Morgan: No surprise, girl. If your man isn’t making you feel special today, I will. If your man isn’t giving you what you need today, I will.

Tina Fey: Okay, Tracy. You’re friends with my husband, Jeff. You worked together for a long time.

Tracy Morgan: Nah! When it’s birthday, all bets are off. You’re 60, baby. That’s gross, but I love you.

Tina Fey: I love you too, Tracy. We have a great show for you tonight. Tracy, you know who’s here?

Tracy Morgan: Who?

Tina Fey: Nicki Minaj is here.

[cheers and applause]

Tracy Morgan: Nicki Minaj is here?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, I’mma get that pregnant.

Tina Fey: Alright. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Office Hours

Mr. Buckley… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chad… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Mr. Buckley and Chad talking in the school office]

Mr. Buckley: You know, that’s alright. Um, I do think that is what they kind of intended. For instance, people who speak exist. You and I are speaking, therefore you and I…

Chad: Exist?

Mr. Buckley: Congratulations. You just used your first Cartesian Logic.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: You know, I do hope you continue to drop by, Chad. I really quite enjoy our visits.

Chad: Okay.

[Mr. Buckley and Chad shake their hands.] [Mr. Buckley leans forward to kiss Chad]

Chad: No thanks.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, I’m so sorry. Um, that was unbelievably inappropriate behavior Chad. I apologize. I just– I- I- I misread the moment.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: I mistook your frequent visits here to mean something more.

Chad: Oh, my bad.

Mr. Buckley: No, it’s not your fault at all. Truth be told, I’m not being myself up late. [Stands and walks looking away] And this weekend, I’m getting married to a beautiful young lady.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Mr. Buckley: Yet, I feel nothing, Chad. Nothing!

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, but that doesn’t matter because it’s all part of daddy’s master plan. You know, marry the rich girl from new port, become a professor and achieve 10 year by 40. God forbid! The great Lenard Buckley’s son should feel the love of another man!

[Mr. Buckley throws a globe away]

Chad: Another globe.

Mr. Buckley: I was drawn to you Chad because truth be told, I envy you. You’re a man who lives his life free from doubt and worry. I wanna be you Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, my word. This is so pathetic. Look at me. I’m a 28 year old professor’s assistant pouring my heart out to a sophomore student. Am I boring you?

Chad: Kind of.

Mr. Buckley: [looking at the ceiling] Argh! You can of course leave at any time you wish and spare yourself my ramblings. Though, I have to admit having an ear to bend makes a welcome–[door closing sound] [Mr. Buckley looks around. Chad isn’t there.]

Chad?

[Mr. Buckley runs out of his office]

Chad? Chad?

[Chad is skating away. He turns around.]

Chad: Wad up?

Mr. Buckley: Would you mind just getting back here for a moment? There’s something else I wanted to say to you.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad skates towards Mr. Buckley’s office but he passes the door]

Mr. Buckley: Chad, you passed it.

Chad: Oh, my bad.

[Cut to Mr. Buckley and Chad getting in Mr. Buckley’s office]

Mr. Buckley: Chad, I hopefully can forget about my brief lack of self control today.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: I truly hope that my actions haven’t tainted our friendship.

Chad: Ha-ha. Taint.

Mr. Buckley: And lastly Chad, I want to thank you because today you taught me. For a brief moment, I wasn’t spectator to my own life. I was living it.

Chad: [farts] Safety.

Mr. Buckley: You’re right, Chad. I should laugh more. Anyway, I’d appreciate if you kept what happened between us today a secret.

Chad: Okay.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Chad! What the hell? What’s taking so long?

Chad: Oh, I’m sorry. Mr. Buckley tried to kiss me.

Mikey: Okay! Are you hungry?

Chad: Uh-huh.

[Chad and Mikey leave]

Mr. Buckley: You’re so right, Chad. I shouldn’t keep my secrets in the dark. Thank you Chad.

[looking at Chad and Mikey skating on the streets. Chad falls over the garbage.]

Mikey: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Mr. Buckley: Thank you.

Chad: Okay!

Meeting with Mr. Shaw

Benedict Cumberbatch

David Hoff… Beck Bennett

Dan FletcherKenan Thompson

Carolina… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with David Hoff and Dan Fletcher having a meeting with Benedict] Benedict: You must be the gentlemen from Mercy General.

David Hoff: I am David Hoff and this is Dan Fletcher.

Dan Fletcher: Yes. I’m sorry but we were under the impression that we would be meeting directly with Mr. Shaw.

Benedict: Mr. Shaw’s time is extremely valuable. If I deem your proposal worthwhile, I will involve him.

Dan Fletcher: Alright, well, as you know, a hospital has fallen on some hard times.

David Hoff: Frankly, we’re looking for someone who can make a sizable donation.

Benedict: Hm, philanthropy does give Mr. Shaw a kind of thrill. Very well. Carolina, could you ask Mr. Shaw to join us please? Now, whatever you do, do not mention his scar.

[Carolina brings Mr. Shaw in. Mr. Shaw is an eagle wearing a human suit.]

Mr. Shaw. How was your round of golf this morning? Well, that’s why they call it a dog lake, sir. I’m joking of course. [David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are shocked] Well, these gentlemen are from Mercy General. Gentlemen, the floor is your’s.

David Hoff: Yeah.

Dan Fletcher: I’m sorry but is this a joke?

Benedict: Does Mr. Shaw seem like the joking type?

David Hoff: So, should we ask him about the donation?

Benedict: Yes. Mr. Shaw is a little embarrassed to talk about money because, well, he’s on it.

Dan Fletcher: Okay. Well, we’re talking to various investors in the hopes of–

Benedict: [interrupting] I’m sorry. I need to stop you for a moment. Mr. Shaw would like to see your watch?

Dan Fletcher: Oh?

Benedict: He finds it quite shiny.

[Dan Fletcher opens his watch and hands it over to Benedict] [Benedict shakes the watch in front of Mr. Shaw]

Yes, very shiny sir. Mr. Shaw brightly notes that when the light hits your watch, it reminds him of a fish glinsing in the stream. Ha-ha-ha. Woo, could it jump.

[Benedict gives Dan Fletcher’s back back]

Dan Fletcher: Um, I’m sorry but what are we doing here?

David Hoff: Yes, I’m afraid this is a complete waste of time.

Benedict: Really? A waste of time? But it wasn’t a waste of time when Dalai Lama spent his 16th birthday here, with Mr. Shaw. [Benedict shows pictures of celebrities with Mr. Shaw] Richard Ransom seemed very content a while away that afternoon. As the both Nelson Mandela and Howei Mandel. And of course there was that time that Mr. Shaw met Search Salman Rushdie. And was quite disappointed to find that this was one Salman (salmon) he couldn’t eat.

Dan Fletcher: Look, we need money for our hospital to help sick people.

Benedict: Interesting. Now we are getting somewhere. Quick conference. [whispering with Mr. Shaw] Very well sir, congratulations gentlemen.

Dan Fletcher: You’re serious? You’re going to donate to the hospital?

Benedict: $1.7 million in courtesy of this old softy. Sir, maybe they’ll after your donation name a wing after you.  Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, no, I intended it as a joke sir. I meant no disrespect. No, that was not my intention at all. What subtext? Sir, you– you can’t mean that. After all I’ve given 27 years. I missed my daughter’s birth. Well, you can’t fire me sir, because I quit. Good luck with everything, gentlemen. I hope your hospital can fix a broken heart.

[David Hoff is crying]

David Hoff: So sad.

Dan Fletcher: Actually, cardiology is one of our specialties.

Benedict: I suppose I’ll collect my things. [Benedict walks pass the door and comes back with a football and

Gentlemen, good luck with your hospital. Mr. Shaw, it’s been a wild ride.

[Benedict walks out] [David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are looking at the Mr. Shaw]

Dan Fletcher: So, do you write us the check? Or…

[Carolina walks in]

Carolina: Excuse me, Mr. Shaw will take his bath now. What’s that sir? Join you? Oh, Mr Shaw! [smiling] [The End]

Gemma and Ricky

Vanessa Bayer

Jean… Kenan Thompson

Ricky Diamonds… Benedict Cumberbatch

Jemma… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Vanessa and Jean having dinner at a nice restaurant]

Vanessa: Well, Jean, I have to hand it to you. Atlantic city isn’t all gross. I mean Bobby Flay Steak house? Fancy!

Jean: And? Bobby Flay is your celebrity hall pass.

Vanessa: Jean, you’re not supposed to know that.

Jean: Oh, I’m not judging. Mine is Miller Kunis as Meg from Family Guy.

Vanessa: Fair enough, Mr.

[Vanessa and Jean are hugging] [Ricky Diamonds and Jemma walk in. Ricky Diamonds is wearing leather jacket and has long black hair. Jemma is a very fancy girl.]

Ricky Diamonds: Oh my god, Jean? Of course, my best bro Jean’s getting some hot public action.

Jean: Excuse me?

Ricky Diamonds: Jean, don’t be selfish. Tag your boy in.

Jemma: [strong accent] Babe, I’m not standing right here. I’m Jemma.

Jean: I’m sorry. Who are you again?

Ricky Diamonds: It’s me, Ricky Diamonds. We met in that male body acceptance workshop?

Jean: Oh, right.

Vanessa: Um, what’s a male body acceptance workshop?

Ricky Diamonds: Oh, I had to look at your husband’s junk and tell him what I found beautiful about it.

Jemma: And I’m Jemma.

Ricky Diamonds: Scoot over. We have to catch up.

Vanessa: Oh, you know, we’re just sort of doing like, a date night.

[Ricky Diamonds and Jemma sit in the same booth.]

Ricky Diamonds: Ah! Then you’re gonna love it when you hear what I do. I am a rock n’ roll mentalist. That means I do like, magic to rock n’ roll music. And this is Jemma.

Jemma: I’m British.

Ricky Diamonds: How great is that accent? She sounds like a GPS. Go on. Do it.

Jemma: [acting like GPS] Recalculating. Recalculating.

Jean: Oh. Oh. So–

Ricky Diamonds: How did we meet?

Jemma: We met at the plastic surgeons. We were about to get our tits doen.

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah. Coz I need that good cleavage for my magic shows.

Vanessa: You do?

[Ricky Diamonds gets Vanessa’s hand and makes her feel his chest]

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah, look, here. Feel. Feels real, right? But it’s not. I paid for it. Now feel her’s. [Ricky Diamonds puts Vanessa’s hand on Jemma’s breasts] Feels real too, right?

Jemma: Mine’s not paid for yet. Still got to balance. So, I’m gonna have to give him back. So I’m thinking of doing like, kickstarter. Can I count on you? I need a little bit of help.

Jean: Well, I guess we could chip in a little bit.

Vanessa: Jean!

Ricky Diamonds: Hey, wanna see a trick?

Vanessa: Not really.

Jemma: Yeah, magic. Magic. Do a trick, babe.

Ricky Diamonds: It’s not a trick babe, it’s an illusion. [Ricky Diamonds pulls out a deck of cards] Okay, pick a card. [Vanessa starts following instructions] Any card. And put it back in the deck. Don’t show me. And put the deck in your mouth.

Vanessa: What?

Ricky Diamonds: Now Jean, can you confirm that this is a real gun?

[Ricky Diamonds passes a gun to Jean]

Jean: Yeah. It’s a real gun. And it’s fully loaded.

Vanessa: [with a deck of cards in her mouth] What? Am I going to get shot?

Jean: Oh, no, no. You’re not going to get shot. It’s a trick.

[Jemma puts a napkin on her head covering her face]

Jemma: Okay, so I’m gonna put a napkin on my head, right? I can’t see nothing. Alright, here we go. [Jemma points the gun forward] One, two–

Jean: No, no. You’re aiming at me. One foot to the left.

Vanessa: Hey!

Jemma: Okay.

Jean: It’s a trick, honey!

Jemma: Here we go.

[Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Excuse me. You can’t have guns in here.

Jemma: No, it’s a magic trick.

[The waiter takes away the gun]

Waiter: Yeah, well, I have to take it up front.

Ricky Diamonds: But dude, I’m in a middle of illusion? Would you treat Chris Angel this way?

Waiter: Who?

Ricky Diamonds: Oh my god! What a dumb dork! You don’t know who Chris Angel is? Seriously, you’re a dumb dork, dude!

Jemma: Babe, should I take the napkin off my head now?

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah. Magic’s over. Sorry Jean, Jemma can shoot your wife outside.

Vanessa: Okay. You know, it’s been a long night. So we’re just–

Ricky Diamonds: No, wait. Don’t let that dork ruin my fun. My girl here is a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer.

Ricky Diamonds: Sing a song, babe.

Jemma: It’s called Magic. Give me a beat, babe.

[Ricky Diamonds starts tapping on the table] [singing] DJ brought the magic last night
casting spells on the dance floor
hypnotize, mesmerize,
magic hat, I know of that
cast a spell, just as well
Harry Potter thinks he’s got a
five, four, three, two, whoop!
She’s gone!

Ricky Diamonds: Babe, if you were trying to get the whole table hard as rock, you succeeded. I know Jean’s hard. I can tell by how he’s squiggling in his seat.

Jean: What? Who is squiggling? Not me.

Vanessa: Hah! You are! You are re-arranging something.

Jean: Well, can’t you just be appreciative that it can still happen?

Vanessa: [smiling] I guess so.

Jemma: Aw, they’re in love again. All because of my song. Five, four, three, two, whoop!

She’s gone!

Criminal Mastermind

Alex Moffat

Slate… Beck Bennett

Jack… Benedict Cumberbatch

Cecily Strong

Ron… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with two people getting inside a warehouse. There’s a bomb ticking sound.]

Alex: I hear it! Over here.

[Alex takes a sheet away and there’s a bomb]

Slate: Oh! How before this thing turns this place into the inside of cuisinart?

Alex: I don’t know.

[phone rings] [Slate answers the phone]

Slate: Hello.

Male voice: Gals and boys come out to play, if the moon does shine as bright as day

Slate: Who is this?

[Cut to Jack speaking on the phone]

Jack: Hello, Slate. You may call me Jack. I’ll tell you a story about Jack and Nori and now my story has begun. I’ll tell you another about Jack’s brother and now my score is done. Would you like to play a game, Slate?

Slate: Do I have a choice?

Jack: Next to you is 600 grams of C4 explosive and I hold the detonator . If you want me to deactivate it, answer my query. Johnny’s mother had three children. One was April, one was May, as well the name of the other child only you can say. You have 60 seconds.

[Jack hangs up. Jack is with Cecily and Ron]

I gave them 60 seconds.

Cecily: It’s cool

[Jack, Cecily and Ron are waiting awkwardly]

Ron: Um, you guys have seen Stranger Things? It’s cool. I hear it’s actually based on true story.

Jack: Ron, I swear to god. If you mention–[phone ringing] [answering the phone] Yes?

Slate: It’s Johnny. You said Johnny’s mother had three children, so the third child is Johnny himself.

Jack: Bravo, Slate. I can see killing you will be harder than I thought. But it seems you forgot about the case of ammonium nitrate I left in your car, outside the school!

Slate: You can’t do that. There’s kids in there.

Jack: They won’t be for long, unless you listen carefully because I’ll only say this once. There is a word, a wonderous word, six letters it contains, take one away from the word and twelve is what remains. You have 60 seconds. [hangs up the phone]

Pretty good, right?

Cecily: Can I ask you something? Don’t get mad. But, do you have to do the riddles?

Jack: What? If I don’t do the riddles, I’m just a common thief. You know, and we all like riddles. Right?

Cecily: No. Yes, people definitely like them. I don’t know if we need them.

Ron: What- What if there were like, pictures?

Jack: And what would that look like, Ron?

Ron: I don’t know. Or what if you had– what if you had to guess how much candy was in a jar?

Jack: Look, I don’t tell you how to do the chlorine. You don’t tell me that– [phone ringing] [answering the phone] Yes.

Slate: Dozens. Plural. Take away the S and you have Dozen.

Jack: You have quite the ear, Slate. Ha-ha-ha-ha. [covers the phone] He got it! But he won’t get this one. [speaking on the phone] I knew you would be a worthy opponent but the game is not over.

[shutting sounds]

Slate: What was that?

Alex: The exists are locked.

Jack: I just locked every door in the warehouse. You have ten minutes to leave, or answer the following. If you please, I’m full of keys, but cannot open a door–

Slate: [interrupting] A piano.

[Jack is speechless]

Jack: Um, yea, yea. Very well then, I’ll always come but never arrive today–

Slate: [interrupting] Tomorrow. What is Tomorrow.

[Jack is speechless]

Jack: Correct. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Slate: Spongebob.

Jack: I give up the damn score!

Slate: But we were playing a game. This is fun! Give me another one!

Benedict Cumberbatch Monologue

Benedict Cumberbatch

Tilda Switon… Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Benedict Cumberbatch.

[Benedict Cumberbatch walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Benedict Cumberbatch: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s so, so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live on the last week of America as we know it. I know the political situation is really tense in America right now. So, you know, I tell you what we British do when the going gets tough and it feels like the whole world’s crashing down around you. We drink. We drink so much. But on the brighter note, this weekend is the opening of my movie, Doctor Strange. [cheers and applause] And you know what? It’s specially exciting because I get to play a lead in a major Hollywood film. And now more people maybe know my name but they don’t really know me. So, I thought I’d try this American past time. I believe it’s called bragging. Am I saying that right? Brag. So, indulge me for a moment and allow me to introduce myself. [Slow music starts playing. Leslie, Sasheer, Cecily and Melissa join him dancing in the stage]

Leslie: His name is Benedict.

Sasheer: That’s right.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Oh, yeah. now let me tell you something quick and right and good.

Leslie: Give it to them, baby.

Benedict Cumberbatch: [singing] Oscar nominated, I’m the king of the screen
But the greatest swag of all is my CBE from a Queen

Ladies: What’s that?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Um, commander of the British Empire. It’s sort of like being a knight but a little lower. I got the certificate in the mails.

Ladies: That’s cool.

Leslie: You’re a knight to me, Benedict. I’m one of you Cumber-bitches..

Benedict Cumberbatch: Oh, yeah. And to be fair, I didn’t pick that name for my fans. I would prefer Cumber-people or Cumber-sums. But you know, they’re wonderful and devoted people. They write a whole lot of fan fiction about me on the internet. And let me tell you, it’s genuinely unsettling.

Ladies: Yes, it’s weird.

Leslie: Did you read my story? Sherlock Holmes in the case of the missing underwear?

Benedict Cumberbatch: No, I didn’t.

[singing] I don’t need to tell you, I know what you’re seeing
but every role I play is always some kind of genius

Ladies: He is smart.

Leslie: That’s right baby. Like, Sherlock Holmes.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Mr. Genius.

Leslie: Like Khan from Startrek

Benedict Cumberbatch: Evil genius.

Leslie: Alan Turning

Benedict Cumberbatch: Gay computer genius

Leslie: And Doctor Strange.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Genius wearing cloak.

Leslie: Hey, Doctor Strange. I think I feel a lump. Can you feel it?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Leslie, once again, look, I’m not a real medical doctor. And that’s not a lump. That’s your full breast.

Leslie: Can I get a second opinion?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Maybe later.

[singing] Leading ladies love me and my co-stars are smitten
from Knightley to McAdams and a bald Tilda Switon.

[Bald Tilda Switon walks in behind Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tilda Switon: Hello Benedict.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Whoa! Tilda? How did you get here?

Tilda Switon: I opened a portal by doing this. [gesturing their hands like they do in Doctor Strange] I’m just kidding, I took an Uber pool.

Ladies: Uber pool.

Tilda Switon: Would you like to do a little rif with me?

Benedict Cumberbatch: I would be honored.

Wow-oo-wow–oo-wow, yeah, yeah

[Tilda Switon takes the mic from Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tilda Switon: [singing] Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, what’s my name?

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, sing it nasty.

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, say it like the queen.

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: I’m a mother loving Cumberbatch.

Ladies: He’s a mother loving Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: The mother loving Cumberbatch.

[music stops]

Well, we got a great show for you here tonight. Solange is here. So stick around and we will be right back. Thank you.

Bachelorette Party

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Melissa Villaseñor

Grammy… Aidy Bryant

Heather… Cecily Strong

Brad… Mikey Day

Roy… Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with three ladies planning a surprise party]

Vanessa: Okay, Heather just texted, she and Grammy are outside. Everyone hide.

Kate: Okay. Okay.

[Everyone hides] [Cut to Grammy and Heather getting in.]

Grammy: Oh, I’m just saying it was so cold in the restaurant that I ruined my dinner.

Heather: Okay, okay. Grammy, we are all so happy that you’re getting remarried at 83.

Grammy: Okay, Heather, why are you doing a speech at me in the dark?

Heather: I know you didn’t want a bachelorette party, so we had to make it a…

[ladies who were hiding come out]

All: Surprise!

[Grammy is shocked]

Kate: Ha-ha! Look at her. She had no idea. Ha-ha-ha.

[Grammy is still shocked]

Melissa: Hurry, hurry. Get her in the chair.

All: [hooting] In the chair! In the chair!

[Grammy slowly takes Heather to the chair. But Heather dies of shock but nobody notices it.]

Melissa: Alright, that’s better. Here we go. [putting a party-glasses and props on her]

Vanessa: Ha-ha-ha. Gentlemen! She is ready.

[Two young men dressed as construction workers walk in with a boombox.]

Brad: Hey, we’re from the construction company.

Roy: We have a delivery of some heavy wood.

Kate: Ha-ha! [pointing at Grammy] Ester is speechless. We finally found a way to shut her up.

Roy: Hey Brad, crank a tune.

Brad: Oh, yeah.

[Brad turns on a rock song and they start stripping for Grammy]

Heather: Alright!

[Brad and Roy throw their shirts on Grammy’s face. It’s stuck there.]

No, no, no. No hiding, Grammy. [Heather pulls the shirts off her face]

Brad: Hey! Should we get Grammy a fun sandwich, Roy?

Roy: Let’s do it.

[Heather and Melissa are so excited] [Brad and Roy push Grammy’s head back and forth on their crotches.] [Ladies are cheering]

Kate: Oh, biscuits! This is wild!

Vanessa: I know. Grammy, are you loving it?

[The gentlemen are twerking on Grammy’s face]

Brad: I think she worked up quite an apetite. Roy?

Roy: Yeah! Well, I’m hungry?

Brad: Let’s get her some dessert.

[Brad sprays creme on his belly and rubs it on Grammy’s face]

Yeah! Yeah!

[Roy starts to spray creme on Grammy’s mouth]

Roy: Eat em all.

Brad: You want cherry on that bad boy?

Roy: Do it! You know I like cherry.

[Brad puts a cherry on top of creme that’s on Grammy’s mouth]

Brad: Woo. Yeah, get it.

[Roy eats the cherry off of Grammy’s mouth]

Roy: Oh, my favorite flavor, her mouth.

Brad: Yeah!

Melissa: Hey boys, give us a taste.

Heather: Yeah. Yeah. Wooo!

[Brad and Roy start twerking on other ladies]

Kate: Oh my goodness! Ester! Ester! I’m still in your man over here. Look out.

Heather: Oh my god, look, Grammy’s so embarrassed that she’s trying to hide.

[Grammy us just slipping down from the chair. She falls on the floor. She is lying facing down.]

Kate: Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I have never seen anything like this.

[Brad and Roy rolls Grammy’s body over]

Heather: Grammy, get up. Just have fun.

Brad: Yes, stop hiding from us. We actually like her on the floor.

Roy: Yeah. She can be like, the spar for our full body workout.

Brad: Yeah.

[Brad and Roy do the workout on Grammy] [Melissa and Heather are very excited]

Vanessa: Grammy, when Herman hears about this, you’re dead.

[Brad pulls Grammy up]

Brad: Come here, baby. Ooh! Up!

Kate: You know, I really love what your generation has done with this bachelorette party.

Brad: Oh my god! Ma’am? Ma’am?

Vanessa: What’s wrong?

Roy: Um, your grammy is like, our onethousandth customer.

Brad: Which means, she gets a free dance from the world series champion, Chicago Cubs.

[Three more gentlemen enter the room] [cheers and applause]

Heather: Oh, my god! Those are the real Chicago Cubs!

Gentleman: What’s up, girls? Who wants to hear the Grammy slam?

Ross: Don’t worry Grandma, Grandpa Ross is gonna take good care of you.

Gentleman: It’s your lucky night, we’re about to pull a triple header.

Brad: Ooh! You heard the Cubs. Let’s play ball.

[music playing] [All the gentlemen are stripping for Grammy]