Tag: Benedict Cumberbatch

The Fainting Couch

Amelia… Cecily Strong

Kenneth… Benedict Cumberbatch

Christian… Alex Moffat

Henry… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to Lansdowne house.

[England, 1914]

[Alex walks in a room where Ben and Cecily are there.]

Christian: Amelia, Kenneth.

Amelia: Christian, what a marvelous surprise. My brother in the flesh. Well, why of all you’re here?

Kenneth: Shouldn’t you be away in Cornwall?

Christian: I’ve left Cornwall. I have something I must tell you.

Amelia: Let us hear it over tea. Henry, fetch the tea, please.

Henry: Yes, ma’am.

Christian: You see, the Great War has come to England and all of us must fight.

Amelia: No.

Christian: I felt duty bound to do my bit.

Amelia: No. Christian, no. [loses her balance]

Kenneth: Your sister has health spells. Amelia, to the fainting couch.

Christian: So I’ve made a decision. I’m off to war.

Amelia: No.

Henry: Tea, ma’am.

[Amelia spills tea all over the floor]

Kenneth: Look what you’ve done.

Christian: Oh, heaven.

Kenneth: She has missed the couch. Henry, fetch the elixirs.

Henry: Yes, sir.

Amelia: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. It seems I’ve had a tiny spell.

Kenneth: More than a tiny one, my dear. You have a foot?

Amelia: Oh, I’m perfectly fine. Oh, Christian, it’s you. I just had the most frightful dream that you could go in a war.

Christian: That was no dream, Amelia. It’s true. I’m joining the 11th Azores. I’ll be on the front lines.

Amelia: The front lines? Oh, no. What’s happening?

Kenneth: Oh, Amelia. Please. To the couch, my love. Come this way.

Christian: I’m sorry, but she must hear the truth, that I shall leave Cornwall to see glory on the battlefields.

Henry: The elixirs, ma’am.

[Amelia falls and spills all the elixirs]

Kenneth: She’s missed the couch again.

Christian: Again? How?

Kenneth: Well, we need to study her nerves. Henry, don’t just stand there. Bring the sherry. As many courses as you can cut it.

Henry: Of course sir. And don’t worry sir, I’m fine.

Amelia: Oh, heavens. I’ve had a spell.

Kenneth: Don’t concern yourself my dear. Your bluffing brother, it’s his fault for telling us like this.

Amelia: Oh, Christian, there you are. You can still change your mind. Go back to Cornwall. Forget all this war madness.

Christian: No Amelia. The die is cast. You see, I’ve already enlisted.

Amelia: What? Oh! [she’s losing balance again]

Kenneth: This way, my dear. Oh, trash, she went the other way.

[Amelia pulls out the curtain and throws the light stand. Then she bashes everything on the cupboard.]

Christian: She is putting on quite a show, isn’t she?

[Amelia breaks the flower vase]

Kenneth: How dare you? She could die.

[Amelia is walking around the room funnily breaking things]

Christian: Why are you just watching?

Kenneth: It must run its cost. Steady now. Steady now. Steady.

Christian: Oh, come now. She just stepped and rolled right over the couch.

Henry: Your sherry, ma’am.

Amelia: Oh, thank you, Henry. I think I’ll pass. [spilling all the wine he’s brought] Yes, I’m fine.

Kenneth: Splendid. Let’s reinvigorate your constitution. Henry, bring us some soup. Piping hot.

Henry: Piping hot soup. Yes, sir.

Kenneth: Now my dear, are you all right?

Amelia: Yes, I’m perfectly fine. I seem to have a tiny cut on my hand.

Kenneth: Is that blood? Oh! [now Kenneth is losing balance feeling dizzy]

Henry: Soup is ready sir. [Kenneth runs around funnily around Henry] Oh, no. No, please, sir.

Kenneth: Yes. [Kenneth hits the soup bowl and spills it all over Henry and falls down] [he stands again] I’m terribly sorry. Look, the fits run in both our families, you see? Ever since we had a tiny bout of inbreeding for the past 500 years.

Christian: Ah, so these spells could happen to me? I could have them? Well, perhaps I should not go to war then.

Amelia: Oh, yes, marvelous.

Kenneth: This calls for a celebration. Henry, bring out the champagne that are priceless Faberge eggs.

Henry: Yes, sir.

[Amelia, Kenneth and Christian start dancing around]

Roe v Wade Cold Open

Andrew Dismukes

Benedict Cumberbatch

James Austin Johnson

Margaret… Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the draft of his majority opinion overturning Roe v. Wade, Justice Samuel Alito explains that no woman has a right to an abortion, and that, in fact, abortion is a crime. To prove it, he cites a treatise from 13th century England, about the quickening of the fetus, and a Second Treatise that says, if the quick child dies in her body, it would be a great misprision. We go now to that profound moment of moral clarity almost 1000 years ago, which later to clear foundation for what our law should be in 2022.

[Cut to three people in a room. It’s about a thousand years back.]

Andrew: Whatever is the matter. You’re looking flossed in thought.

Ben: It’s nothing. It’s just, while I was cleaning the hole on the side of the castle where we poop and then it falls through the sky into a moat full of human feces, I started to think about abortion.

Andrew: Really, what about it?

Ben: Well, don’t you think we ought to make a law against it?

James: You mean, like the law we have against pointy shoes? Or the law that if you hunt deer in the royal forest, they cut off your genitals?

Ben: Exactly. Something fair and reasonable like those laws. We should make a law that would stand the test of time so that hundreds and hundreds of years from now, they’ll look back and say, “No need to update this one at all. They nailed it back in 1235.”

James: I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t ban abortion in all of England. We could decide it on a fiefdom by fiefdom basis.

Ben: Good idea. That way, if your concubine needs one, you could just send her off to get it in good old, old York City.

Andrew: But if we outlaw abortion, how would we punish the mother? Because she’ll need to be punished. She’ll be so happy about a crime.

Ben: We could always put her in a boat and let her sail off the cliff at the edge of the world. She would of course, tumbled down with the four giant turtles the holding up the earth, and maybe one of them would eat her.

Andrew: Yeah, kind of played out there.

James: I know. What if we get a donkey drunk and we dress it up in her husband’s clothes. Then the next morning? She’s like, “Did I just have sex with a donkey?” And the whole town’s waiting outside like, “Ah, you’re burnt.”

Ben: Maybe, maybe. But what if the donkey get her pregnant and then we’d legally have to protect the fetus. And if the half donkey chili is a man that could become king.

Andrew and James: Ah! The prophecy.

Ben: But let’s be careful. The worst thing that could happen if someone leaks this conversation to the town crier?

Margaret: Knock, knock. Just kidding. We don’t have doors. Anyway, I was outside watching the sheriff throw left handed children into the river. And I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about a new law?

Andrew: Oh-oh. Woman hear ideas and it make her think, “Why I no have those?”

Margaret: Yeah, something like that. So I have a couple of questions.

Ben: Careful Margaret. Don’t make us make another hole in your skull so your brain can breathe.

Margaret: Right. I was just wondering since I’m almost at the childbearing age of 12, shouldn’t women have the right to choose since having a baby means like a 50% chance of dying?

Ben: Yes, but that’s why we’re also offering maternity leaves. When you’re done with 20 years of continuous maternity, you can leave.

Andrew: Shouldn’t we at least make exceptions in cases of rape or incest?

James: But those are the only kinds of sex.

Margaret: You know, I guess I just don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with this issue? Like what about the fact that no one can read or write? Everyone’s dying to plague?

Andrew: Oh, you think just because I have active plague, that means I need to wear a mask? It’s my body, my choice.

Ben: Well, it’s clear to me that we’ve reached the limits of human knowledge. We found the haircut. We know the sun is the moon when it’s happy. We trust the Catholic Church with all our money and our children.

James: Plus we have birth control now. You can’t get pregnant as long as when the man ejaculates, he whispers, “Just kidding.” Well, there’s always plan B, letting 1000 bees sting you.

Ben: Now, let’s all vote. Men, who think we should outlaw abortion forever? Say I.

Andrew and James: I.

Ben: And who’s opposed?

Chris: Me! I’m just playing. I know I can’t vote but, you know, more is gonna be more. You ever get the feeling that this is not gonna be your century?

Kate: Enough!

Ben: My god! An ogre!

Kate: No, no, just a woman in her 30s. But I did eat a weird mushroom in a pile of cow dung, so I can see the future. And worry not dear girl. These barbaric laws will someday be overturned by something called progress. And then after about 50 years after the progress, they’ll be like, “Maybe we should undo the progress.” I don’t know why my visions from that time are very confusing. Seems like all the power comes from a place called Florida. And if you think our customs are weird, you should watch the trial of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Listen, I know it doesn’t sound great, but I guess no matter how many choices they take away from women, we have always had the choice to keep fighting. [cheers and applause]

Ben: That’s really inspiring. And after hearing your perspective, I suddenly realize you’re a witch and we’re gonna set you on fire.

Kate: Alright, wouldn’t be the first time.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Mothers Day Gifts

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

John… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chloe Fineman

Danny… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with a family gathering on Mother’s day]

Children: Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!

Mikey: Come on, mom. Open it.

Aidy: Oh my gosh, what a Mother’s Day. You did too much.

John: Well, you deserve it. After all, you’re our mom.

Aidy: Well, I’m your wife.

John: Yeah, that’s what I meant. Who wants to go first?

Chloe: I do. I do.

Aidy: Oh, you know, I love these little wooden signs. Okay, let me see. Okay, “Life doesn’t come with a manual. It comes with a mother.” Oh, where’d you get this?

Chloe: We got it at Home Depot. They sell art there too.

John: This one’s from me, sweetie.

Aidy: Okay, thank you, John. Okay, “Mom turned upside down spells Wow.”

John: Turn it upside down, it actually works.

Aidy: No no, I see. No, you’re right. It does it. These are really great.

Mikey: Here, mom. Thought you’d like this one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Thank you, sweetie. Okay, “Dear mom. We sucked your teats dry and now you look weird in a bathing suit. Happy Mother’s Day.”

John: Aww.

Danny: Good one.

Chloe: Chloe.

Aidy: But I guess I thought this one would have a little funny rhyme or something. But thank you.

Chloe: You kind of look like the woman in the sign?

Aidy: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

Chloe: Honey, give her yours.

Danny: Okay, here you go, Mrs. M. Just wanted to say thank you for welcoming me to the family.

Aidy: Oh, of course, Danny. Let’s see. “Having a mother in law is like having crabs.”

John: Aww.

Aidy: What? Is there more on the back? I mean, it feels like they didn’t finish the joke.

Chloe: Well, you’re gonna like this one.

Aidy: Okay, well, I do like the color for sure. “Were your ears ringing? I was in therapy.” That doesn’t even say Happy Mother’s Day.

John: I picked this one all out by myself.

Aidy: Okay, it’s a big one here. “Dear wife. Now that the kids are grown, we don’t have sex as much anymore. But we do sometimes. And that’s fine.” What?

John: This one actually goes with it. So “Don’t read into that as me asking for more sex. The amount that we are doing is good for me. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay These are getting really specific and personal.

Chloe: Yeah, they’re great. Right?

Aidy: Well, I think you’ve spent too much.

Danny: Oh no, they’re like $1.99.

Chloe: Okay, I want to read this one. “Dear Mom, if you died and dad remarried—” [John laughing] Wait, I’m not finished. “It would be an adjustment, but I feel like we would get to a place where we were able to call the new woman Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay, okay. I don’t understand. You know, usually these signs say something like, you know, “Caution. Mom needs wine,” or something like that.

John: We have ones like that here.

Aidy: Okay, okay, let’s see. It says, “Oh, look, it’s wine o’clock. I just love watching the sunrise.” Is that implying that I’m getting drunk at dawn?

Danny: Here’s a good one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. “I only drink on days that end in y and during hours that have numbers in them.”

Chloe: Here’s another.

Aidy: Oh, my— Okay, okay, “I’m not drunk. It’s just the wine talking.” Oh, “As in, oh my god, a bottle is talking to me and it has lips and everything. Did I get so drunk? I did shrooms. Oh, yeah, I did. I’m an effing mess.” Okay, I don’t drink that much.

Mikey: Here you go.

Aidy: Oh. [opens the sign] “You do”? Okay, I think Mother’s Day can be done now. Okay, thank you, everyone.

Mikey: No, mom. We’re sorry. I guess we got carried away.

John: Yeah, I mean, you know, they seemed really clever in the store. Don’t be mad. This is your day.

Chloe: There is one last one if you want to look, you probably don’t though.

Aidy: Oh, you know what? Fine. Just give it to me. “Mom, for all the times we forgot to thank you for all the special things you do, there’s just one thing we need to mention. You’re the best. We love you.” Okay, well, that one is pretty cool.

Danny: That part flips down.

Aidy: Okay. “We suspect dad has a secret family.”

[John laughing]

John: Who wants more pancakes.

Aidy: Well, wait, do you? I need an answer.

Just Like You

Taylor… Chloe Fineman

Sandy… Cecily Strong

Grandma… Kate McKinnon

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with Taylor using phone in her bed]

[Sandy walks in]

Sandy: Hey, no phone. You’re grounded. Remember?

Taylor: Oh my God, I didn’t even do anything that bad mom.

Sandy: Really? Taylor, you came home drunk? You’re 17 years old.

Taylor: Come on, like you never drank when you were my age?

Sandy: In high school? No, not even a SIP. Never.

[cut to flashbacks of Sandy when she was young partying and getting drunk]

[cut back to present]

Alcohol was not even on my radar at your age.

[cut to Sandy throwing up]

Boy: Yo, it’s not a party until sloppy sandy pukes

Sandy: I’m okay.

[cut back to present]

Taylor: Well, sorry, I’m not just like you, mom. Sorry. I’m not perfect.

Sandy: I wasn’t perfect, Taylor. I made mistakes. I did things that I regret.

[cut to Sandy having sex with Mikey at the backseat of the car]

Mikey: I can’t believe we’re not virgins anymore.

[cut back to prsent]

Sandy: I did a couple things I regret.

[cut to Sandy having sex with Bown at the backseat of the car]

Bowen: Can’t believe we’re not virgins anymore.

Sandy: I know, right?

[cut back to present]

Taylor: Name one mistake you made.

Sandy: Okay. You know what? Fine. Here’s one. I failed a test once. It was a big test.

[cut to Sandy being tested for DUI}

Sandy: I’m sorry.

[cut back to present]

Sandy: The point is, I never did anything so stupid, it followed me through my whole life. [There’s a picture of a marijuana leavs having dreadlocks and wearing hippie cap on her ass]

[Grandma walks in]

Grandma: Everything alright here?

Taylor: Yeah, grandma. We’re fine. Mom, you want to keep telling me how much of a dum bass I am.

Grandma: Wow!

Mom: Taylor! Can you believe the way she speaks to me? I would never have spoken to your grandma that way.

[cut to Sandy at her young age having argument with her mom]

Sandy: Suck my beef, you old bitch.

[cut back to present]

Grandma: No, we always got along pretty well.

[cut to Sandy and her mom having argument]

Grandma: Sandy, if I catch you smoking cigarettes again, I will shave your fucking hair.

[cut back to present]

Grandma: Now, Taylor, your mom told me got a little while at a party. I’m all for having fun, but call me old fashioned, I think there’s a certain way that a young lady ought to behave.

[cut to when grandma was young. She’s at David Bowie’s concert]

Grandma when she was young: David Bowie! I love you, David. David, my panties. David!

[cut back to present]

Taylor: I know.

Granda: Okay? Let’s have dinner. Love you.

Taylor: You told grandma?

Mom: Of course I did, honey. I’m worried about you.

[Ben walks in]

Ben: What are you worried about?

Taylor: Nothing. I’m fine. I went to one party. Meanwhile, mom’s acting like she never had fun in her life.

Ben: Ha-ha. Well, and I met your mind college, she certainly knew how to have a good time.

Sandy: Hey…

Ben: But she always kept it in control.

[cut to when Ben and Sandy were young at a party]

Ben: How many pills did you take?

Sandy: Three. What is the problem?

Ben: You blew my roommate.

Sandy: I thought it was you.

[cut back to present]

Ben: She’s telling you, it’s only because she loves us so much.

Taylor: I know.

Sandy: I’m just trying to look out for you. Come here. Give me a hug. You know you’re still grounded. But you can have your phone back.

Taylor: Yes!

[message notification]

Siri: Text Message from Ryan. Parents gone. Come over for eggplant emoji.

Sandy: Never mind. You know, I know what this means. Yeah.

[cut to message screen]

Message: You may not have been a perfect person, but you’e a perfect mom. Happy mother’s day.

Chuck E Cheese

Chloe Fineman

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Bowen Yang

Benedict Cumberbatch

Julie… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Munch… Kenan Thompson

Katie Carrot… Katie Carrot Strong

Pascuale the pizza chef… Aristotle Athari

[Starts Chloe getting a table in Chuck E. cheese’s]

Chloe: Come on, buddy, let’s grab our seats.

Mikey: Alright. I think the show is starting.

Alex: Hey, everybody, I know you came to see Chuck E. and his pals but we have some technical problems. And Chuck E. and the Pizza Time band are not running right now.

Chloe: Aw, that’s why we came.

Alex: Yeah, I know. I know. I’m sorry about that. But the show must go on.Good. Okay. And great news,  I reached out on Twitter to my favorite British band from 1983 and they were available. So please welcome Reflection Denied.

[Ben and Bowen walk to the stage]

Ben: Amongst the basil and the Pomodoro, did I experience my reverie? Here at Chuck E. Cheese, existing in the liminal space between them all and the highway. Before the big bang that was pizza?

[music playing]

Bowen: Greetings children and children of the mind. We are Reflection Denied but today I’m a vessel for the eponymous rodent, Charles Entertainment cheese.

Ben: And I for Fantasy Giles. Join us on a soundscape of pizza…

Bowen: Game…

Ben: And soulful longing.

Bowen: [singing] I reached self concept at the pizza plex.
I forgot my taste and smell

Ben: Games and sauce, games and sauce

Bowen: She bowling while I’m ski falling
you read my mind so well

Ben: Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky
deliver me, deliver me

Mikey: This is fun, right, bud?

Chloe: Is this for kids?

Mikey: I think it’s for him.

[Alex is dancing hard with no care]

Bowen: I cried alone in the bowl pit
Oh father, where are you?

Ben: Games and sauce, games and sauce

Bowen: Mr. Pender out of Dr. Pepper
Why today have bow

Ben: Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky
deliver me, deliver me

Bowen: If you’d like to book us for future gigs or tip us in Dippin Dots, please see Julie.

Chloe: Who is Julie?

Mikey: I’m guessing she is.

Ben and Bowen: Tokens for tickets, tickets for prizes
parents paying for dreams.
Win and old yoyo or an iPod Shuffle,
they’ve been here since 2003

Bowen: Now we bring dispatches of birthday celebration, Coby G and Mason S. congratulations on the anniversary of emerging from your mother’s vagina.

Ben: To the Indian Ridge Little League team, your coach says pizza is for winners. So tonight you starve.

Bowen: Huh? Do you hear that? The rumbling of 1000 hungers?

Ben: Is it?

Bowen: It is.

Ben: The physical voice of pizza, the insatiable Mr. Munch.

[Mr. Munch walks in]

Mr. Much: Querp, querp, querp,  querp,  querp,  querp,  querp
Pizza in my tummy.

Mikey: It’s Munch! He’s hungry, bud?

Bowen: Hungry for validation, for he was abandoned on a Ferris wheel and Malpais. The bastard child of a Cirque du Soleil performer and grimace. Applaud him, applaud his bravery.

Ben: Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky
deliver me, deliver me

Chloe: Oh, look. That’s Pascuale the pizza chef.

Mikey: Was he always so sexy?

[Pascuale the pizza chef runs around the stage and runs out.]

Ben: Now, children, a cautionary tale. Did you know that Chuck E. Cheese has a salad bar?

Bowen: An untouched place where hope goes to die. And here to tell us about it is Katie Carrot.

[Katie Carrot walks in wearing carrot costume]

Katie Carrot: Longing for contact under clear plastic,
broken disposable thongs
cold linguini, pepper on chini
where did we go wrong?
Romaine is all the remain

Ben: She’s dying.

Katie Carrot: Romaine is all that remains

Chloe: Wow. I know that carrot. I’ve been that carrot.

Ben: We’re all that carrot. Listen.

Bowen: Tonight, the call goes out to all the world. Throw off the shackles of your dark buzz, your religion, your racial animus.

Ben: And unite under one banner, the banner of pizza.

Bowen: Also the pink gun on the Time Crisis II game is broken.

Ben: Oh, yes. And someone left a diaper in the ball pit. Now unite and sing.

Ben: Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky
deliver me, deliver me

 

Chain Gang

Tommy… Benedict Cumberbatch

Warden… Alex Moffat

Lenny… Kyle Mooney

Mary… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with four men working in prison]

Chris: Lord, it’s hot.

Kenan: Georgia July is hotter than a blister bug in a pepper patch.

James: And don’t the warden know it?

Warden: Alright boys, back to work now. These rocks, they ain’t gonna break themselves. And get happy now. I want to see some smiles.

[music playing]

Chris: I was born on a farm on a moonless night
mama never taught me wrong from right
now I’m doing time in Georgia

All: Now I’m doing time in Georgia 

Chris: Long time in Georgia

All: Long time in Georgia

Chris: I’ll be in chains till the good lord sets me free

All: Lord sets me free, yeah.

James: Now the good book said be a righteous man
but the devil pulled me down and away we ran
So they locked me up in town

All: Locked me up in town

James: Working for the county

All: Working for the county

James: I’ll be in chains till the good lord sets me free

Take it Tommy.

Tommy: If you see something bad, you know I’m gonna tell
that’s why they put me in a better prison cell
because I snitch to the warden

All: Snitch to the warden

Tommy: Snitching to the warden

All: Snitching to the warden

Tommy: Oh, lord, prison’s not so bad.

James: Wait, Tom, did you just say you were snitching to the warden?

Tommy: Yeah, that’s the way the old prison song goes.

Kenan: Nope.

Chris: You getting special treatment here, Tom?

Tommy: No, just singing to pass the time. Whoo-wee, it’s hot. [pulls out a fancy drink]

Chris: Where did you get that fancy drink?

Tommy: You fellas didn’t get one?

Kenan: I did not.

[dogs barking]

James: Hey, what’s going on?

Chris: Oh, hell, they caught Lenny!

Warden: Well, well, well. Look who we found hiding in the storm drain down by the highway.

Lenny: But it’s impossible. How did you find me?

Mikey: Let’s just say a little birdie told us your plan. On an unrelated note. Tom, here is a cherry pie.

Tommy: Cherry pie? Mmm-mmm.

Warden: And as for you, Lenny, you know what we do with escapees. But them in the box!

Lenny: No. No, no.

Kenan: You animals. You lousy animals.

James: He’s a good man. Don’t put him in the box.

Tommy: Okay, just put them in the box for a couple of days. You guys know best.

Warden:  All right, show’s over now boys. Now, unless you got a pie in your hands, get back to work.

Kenan: When I dream at night, that’s the only time I’m free
I wake up every morning in a penitentiary
Now I’m doing 10 to 20

All: Doing 10 to 20.

Kenan: Working for the county

All: Working for the county

Kenan: I’ll be in chains till the good lord sets me free

All: Lord sets me free

Tommy: If you tell me a secret I’ll pass them along
You’ll be in the box while I’m singing this song
made a deal with the warden

All: Deal with the warden

Tommy: I’ll tell him all your secrets

All: Tell him all your secrets

Tommy: Every time I snitch they bring me a big cherry pie

Kenan: Shh, here comes the warden’s wife.

James: Ma’am.

Kenan: Ma’am.

Chris: Ma’am.

Tommy: Ma’am.

Warden: Wow, if it isn’t my lovely wife, Mary. What do you do in here woman?

Mary: Oh, I was just passing by my way into town. Figured I take a gander at all these bad, bad boys. This one looks especially naughty. Are you naughty boy?

Tommy: Yes ma’am. Very naughty ma’am.

Mary: Looks like you missed a bit of cherry pie.

Tommy: Thank you kindly. It’s not like me to waste a good bit of cherry pie.

[Mary laughing and flirting with Tommy]

Chris: What the hell?

Warden: Alright, Mary. I know you got some shopping to do.

Mary: Bye boys. See you later.

Warden: Well, that’s enough yapping for one day. Back to work all of you.

Tommy: Now, I can’t complain about my life
I get to sleep with the warden’s wife

sleeping with the warden’s wife

All: Sleeping with the warden’s wife

Tommy: Sleeping with his pretty wife

All: Sleeping with his pretty wife

Warden: He watches from the closet smiling in the dark

Mikey: Warden, I do believe Tom is sleeping with your wife.

Warden: Yeah, I know. I can’t please her myself. Best to let her be happy.

All: Let her be happy, let her be happy
Let her be happy, let her be happy

Blue Bunny

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Jacob… Jacob Thompson

Lisa… Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby… Heidi Gardner

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with Ego and Mikey starting the focus group conversation.]

Ego: Okay cutie pies, we’re ready to get started.

Mikey: Well, it’ll be a little more flirtatious of an intro than we need but it’s all good. Hi gang. Thanks for coming out to this focus group.

Ego: We are from Blue Bunny ice cream and we’ve got some new products that we’d love your feedback on.

Keman: Like bomb pops?

Ego:  No, sir. No bomb pops today.

Lisa: Oh, I love bomb pops

Mikey: Again no B pops, but I do think you’ll find our other treats, the ice cream of the crop.

Ben: No offense, but I signed up to try ice cream. Not to hear jokes about it. Can we get to taste it?

Mikey: Okay, I’m sorry.

Bobby: Hey, those two are just trying to do their jobs. They gotta tell a joke or two, let them. It’s their dance, not yours.

Ego: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you two know each other?

Ben: No, ma’am. Just here to try some ice cream, get my check and be on my way.

Bobby: Same here. Same here. Came in a stranger, I’ll leave one as well.

Mikey: Okay, very fun. Well, the first flavor we’re going to try today is peanut brittle pie ice cream. [Ego passes ice cream to the others] So give those a try. And Jacob, how about you go first? What do you think?

Jacob: Oh wow, this delicious.

Ego: Great. Okay, what about you Lisa?

Lisa: Tastes a little wet but yummy.

Ego: Noted at. Bobby what do you think?

Bobby: You know what this tastes like? You remember when you were a kid and you’d be out playing in all the dirty buckets like a hog? And Pappy’d call you to wash up because nana spent the last three hours churning? That woman would churn till she whipped. The blood from her palms, legs in the caramel ribbons of the ice cream. This is that. This tastes like that.

Ego: Okay, thank you. Very descriptive.

Ben: You’re trying to make a grown man weak, miss?

Bobby: No, I’m just eating ice cream, sir.

Ego: Okay, what about you mutton? What do you think of the peanut brittle pie?

Ben: How do I say this? Remember when you’d be down by the pond all day with your hands cut? Trying to catch just one stupid little tadpole? It mean nothing today but back then, hell, that tad was king crab. And then Scooter’s mama, the one with a pretty teeth and eyes like butter, would invite you inside for a whole bowl rocky road. Didn’t matter the flavor though. It was just beautiful mature woman had opened her door to you, arms wide, bosom heavy. This is that. This tastes like that.

Mikey: Okay, so it tastes like Scooter’s mama. Writing that down?

Bobby: You’re seeing things, haven’t you?

Ben: Hah! Only ice cream, miss.

Jacob: Hey, I just taste ice cream. Am I doing this wrong?

Mikey: No. Yeah, guys, we’re not really looking to taste memories of the dustbowl here.

Bobby: Your ice cream carries a weight to it, sir.

Ben: She’s right, I can taste generations of women in it.

Mikey: Okay, I will not be writing that down.

Ego: How about this one? Galactic mint frost. [Ego passes another ice cream to all] Why don’t you guys give that one a taste?

Mikey:  Yeah, Bobby? You tasting that fresh mint in there?

Bobby: No. Taste more like wind. But like the wind when you hadn’t quite reached five feet tall. When back then would knock you right into the neighbor. The one that had lost his wife and daughter in the hospital fire. And in your eyes, he saw em’ both. So you’d sit with him on his porch, watch the world go by. Right as the sun went down, he’d hand you a bowl of cream. Just vanilla, though. He kept it simple since the girls has died. This is that. This tastes like that.

Ego: Got it. So it tastes like a widower in pain.

Ben: Who hurt you?

Ego: Why? You’re looking to save someone tonight?

Ben: Maybe.

Ego: Eat your ice cream.

Mikey: I’m sorry, what is happening?

Ben: I know what I taste?

Ego: Yes≤ but in, like, six words this time.

Ben: Fine. Remember 4th of July.

Mikey: Okay, please stop.

Ben: The air was so thick with smoke, you could barely find your little brother’s hand. Daddy let you both stay out late as long as you kept your little brother close. Never did find him. Walked home alone, went straight to the icebox, scooped out some chocolate chip. Nothing too fancy on the night brother disappeared. This is that. This tastes like that.

Bobby: Dammit! I can’t take your pain away, but I can sure give it a bed to rest in. Let let me nap with your hurt.

Ben: You want a nap with my hurt

Bobby: I said as much. Let me nap with your hurt.

Ben: Go saying something like that and you might just end up taking a nap with my hurt.

Mikey: All right. Well, thanks for coming out everybody.

[Ben and Bobby walk up to and hold each other]

Ben: Hear me now. I will always come for you.

Bobby: What took you so long?

[Cut to their picture holding each other]

Male voice: Blue bunny ice cream, let me nap with your hurt.

 

Tina Fey Audience Questions Monologue

Tina Fey

Jerry Seinfeld

Benedict Cumberbatch

Chris Rock

Robert De Niro

Fred Armisen

Anne Hathaway

Donald Glover

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey.

[Tina Fey walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Thank you, guys. It is so great to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. We’ve had a lovely time here this week. In fact, I realized it’s been 20 years since I started working here. [cheers and applause] Yeah. And I got here on Monday. And people in the crew came up to me in the studio and said, “Welcome home.” And it just made me feel so bad that I didn’t remember their names.

Also, kind of exciting, yesterday was my birthday. [cheers and applause] Yeah. I turned 60. No. Not really. I just say that so that people will be like, “Wow! You look amazing.” And since it is my birthday this week, they said that I could do anything I wanted for my monologue, so I would like to take some questions from the audience. So, does anybody have a question? Yes, you sir.

Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, hi. I have a question. [cheers and applause] Do you think the show has too many celebrity cameos these days? Because I’m worried the cast isn’t getting a chance to grow.

Tina Fey: Um, yeah. I agree. Actually, I think it kind of hurts the show a little bit. Thank you. Um, yes, you sir.

Beck Bennett: Um, yes–

Tina Fey: [interrupting] No, sir, I’m pointing at the man behind you.

[Beck Bennett walks away. Benedict Cumberbatch is behind him.]

[cheers and applause]

Benedict Cumberbatch: Yeah. Is Kenan Thompson gonna be on the show tonight?

Tina Fey: Um, yeah. Kenan will definitely be on the show tonight.

Benedict Cumberbatch: He’s great. But have you ever thought about replacing Kenan with a slightly more famous person? It could be fun.

Tina Fey: Ah! I don’t think that’s been suggested. But I’ll pass it along. Thank you. Yes, anyone else? Uh, yes! Right over there, sir.

Chris Rock: Ah! Never mind. [cheers and applause] He already asked my question. [pointing at Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tina Fey: Oh! Yes, you, sir.

Robert De Niro: Yeah, I just wanted to ask [cheers and applause] with all of the make up, I mean, could you tell that I was Robert Mueller?

Tina Fey: Yes, Mr. De Niro, we knew that was you. Yeah.

Rovert De Niro: Okay. Okay. That’s a relief because this could be, you know, a big break for me.

Tina Fey: Yes. Oh! Yes, hey. it’s Fred Armisen. Okay.

[cheers and applause]

Fred Armisen: Hi, Tina. I have  question. Do you think it’s weird that so many former cast members hang around the show all the time?

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah. It just seem to be a lot of us. But I don’t know. Does it seem weird to you?

Fred Armisen: No. I think it’s great!

Tina Fey: Yeah, but doesn’t a part of you feel like, “Oh, when we come back we take up time that should go to new people on the show?”

Fred Armisen: You know what? That’s a good point. I guess we shouldn’t take up all that time that the new people could be using. You look great, by the way.

Tina Fey: Oh, thanks. You look great too.

Fred Armisen: Thank you. I’m on this whole new program. I’m walking a lot. And I’m trying to do more of regular sleep schedule. I’m drinking a lot of juice.

Tina Fey: Sounds really healthy, Fred.

Fred Armisen: It’s so important. Next time you’re in LA, I’m gonna take you to my juice guy. He’s Brazilian. He only speaks Portuguese. He does this thing where he puts a lot of the pulp in the juices so you get more of the fiber. Otherwise, you know, you’re just getting the sugar and the water. And that’s not enough. The fiber is what your body really wants. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. The new people. They should get more camera time. Yeah.

Tina Fey: Yeah. Oh, yes. Over here.

Anne Hathaway: Hi. [cheers and applause] So, that was actually Robert De Niro?

Tina Fey: Um, yes. Yes, it was.

Anne Hathaway: [gesturing her mind blown] Wow!

Tina Fey: Yes! Another guest, over here.

Jerry Seinfeld: Hi, yeah. Me again. How come you haven’t asked me to play anyone from the news? I literally live down the street.

Tina Fey: Yeah. That’s a great question. I don’t know why they haven’t asked you to play someone from the news. I’m not in charge of that.

Jerry Seinfeld: I mean, what about Steve Mnuchin? People say I look a little bit like him.

Tina Fey: Do you want to play Steve Mnuchin?

Jerry Seinfeld: I don’t know who he is, but if I look like him, you know? Give me something to do.

Tina Fey: Okay. Well, there’s a sign up sheet in the hall. Anybody else? Oh, yeah.

Donald Glover: Yeah. Hey. [cheers and applause] I was here a couple of weeks ago and I forgot my hat. I think I left it in the host dressing room.

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah. I think I saw that. I’ll try to get that back to you.

Donald Glover: Okay, cool. But just so you know, I have this system in place. So I’ll be able to tell if you wore it or not. So…

Tina Fey: Okay. Well, if there are no other questions, then I guess we are done.

[Tracy Morgan walks on stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tracy Morgan: No, we are not, Tina. Well, if you thought I was gonna forget to surprise you on your birthday, you are crazy. On behalf of everyone here and everyone watching at home, or at a bus station, happy birthday Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Aw, thank you Tracy. My birthday was actually yesterday though.

Tracy Morgan: No surprise, girl. If your man isn’t making you feel special today, I will. If your man isn’t giving you what you need today, I will.

Tina Fey: Okay, Tracy. You’re friends with my husband, Jeff. You worked together for a long time.

Tracy Morgan: Nah! When it’s birthday, all bets are off. You’re 60, baby. That’s gross, but I love you.

Tina Fey: I love you too, Tracy. We have a great show for you tonight. Tracy, you know who’s here?

Tracy Morgan: Who?

Tina Fey: Nicki Minaj is here.

[cheers and applause]

Tracy Morgan: Nicki Minaj is here?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, I’mma get that pregnant.

Tina Fey: Alright. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Office Hours

Mr. Buckley… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chad… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Mr. Buckley and Chad talking in the school office]

Mr. Buckley: You know, that’s alright. Um, I do think that is what they kind of intended. For instance, people who speak exist. You and I are speaking, therefore you and I…

Chad: Exist?

Mr. Buckley: Congratulations. You just used your first Cartesian Logic.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: You know, I do hope you continue to drop by, Chad. I really quite enjoy our visits.

Chad: Okay.

[Mr. Buckley and Chad shake their hands.]

[Mr. Buckley leans forward to kiss Chad]

Chad: No thanks.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, I’m so sorry. Um, that was unbelievably inappropriate behavior Chad. I apologize. I just– I- I- I misread the moment.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: I mistook your frequent visits here to mean something more.

Chad: Oh, my bad.

Mr. Buckley: No, it’s not your fault at all. Truth be told, I’m not being myself up late. [Stands and walks looking away] And this weekend, I’m getting married to a beautiful young lady.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Mr. Buckley: Yet, I feel nothing, Chad. Nothing!

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, but that doesn’t matter because it’s all part of daddy’s master plan. You know, marry the rich girl from new port, become a professor and achieve 10 year by 40. God forbid! The great Lenard Buckley’s son should feel the love of another man!

[Mr. Buckley throws a globe away]

Chad: Another globe.

Mr. Buckley: I was drawn to you Chad because truth be told, I envy you. You’re a man who lives his life free from doubt and worry. I wanna be you Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, my word. This is so pathetic. Look at me. I’m a 28 year old professor’s assistant pouring my heart out to a sophomore student. Am I boring you?

Chad: Kind of.

Mr. Buckley: [looking at the ceiling] Argh! You can of course leave at any time you wish and spare yourself my ramblings. Though, I have to admit having an ear to bend makes a welcome–[door closing sound]

[Mr. Buckley looks around. Chad isn’t there.]

Chad?

[Mr. Buckley runs out of his office]

Chad? Chad?

[Chad is skating away. He turns around.]

Chad: Wad up?

Mr. Buckley: Would you mind just getting back here for a moment? There’s something else I wanted to say to you.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad skates towards Mr. Buckley’s office but he passes the door]

Mr. Buckley: Chad, you passed it.

Chad: Oh, my bad.

[Cut to Mr. Buckley and Chad getting in Mr. Buckley’s office]

Mr. Buckley: Chad, I hopefully can forget about my brief lack of self control today.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: I truly hope that my actions haven’t tainted our friendship.

Chad: Ha-ha. Taint.

Mr. Buckley: And lastly Chad, I want to thank you because today you taught me. For a brief moment, I wasn’t spectator to my own life. I was living it.

Chad: [farts] Safety.

Mr. Buckley: You’re right, Chad. I should laugh more. Anyway, I’d appreciate if you kept what happened between us today a secret.

Chad: Okay.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Chad! What the hell? What’s taking so long?

Chad: Oh, I’m sorry. Mr. Buckley tried to kiss me.

Mikey: Okay! Are you hungry?

Chad: Uh-huh.

[Chad and Mikey leave]

Mr. Buckley: You’re so right, Chad. I shouldn’t keep my secrets in the dark. Thank you Chad.

[looking at Chad and Mikey skating on the streets. Chad falls over the garbage.]

Mikey: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Mr. Buckley: Thank you.

Chad: Okay!

Meeting with Mr. Shaw

Benedict Cumberbatch

David Hoff… Beck Bennett

Dan Fletcher… Kenan Thompson

Carolina… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with David Hoff and Dan Fletcher having a meeting with Benedict]
Benedict: You must be the gentlemen from Mercy General.

David Hoff: I am David Hoff and this is Dan Fletcher.

Dan Fletcher: Yes. I’m sorry but we were under the impression that we would be meeting directly with Mr. Shaw.

Benedict: Mr. Shaw’s time is extremely valuable. If I deem your proposal worthwhile, I will involve him.

Dan Fletcher: Alright, well, as you know, a hospital has fallen on some hard times.

David Hoff: Frankly, we’re looking for someone who can make a sizable donation.

Benedict: Hm, philanthropy does give Mr. Shaw a kind of thrill. Very well. Carolina, could you ask Mr. Shaw to join us please? Now, whatever you do, do not mention his scar.

[Carolina brings Mr. Shaw in. Mr. Shaw is an eagle wearing a human suit.]

Mr. Shaw. How was your round of golf this morning? Well, that’s why they call it a dog lake, sir. I’m joking of course. [David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are shocked] Well, these gentlemen are from Mercy General. Gentlemen, the floor is your’s.

David Hoff: Yeah.

Dan Fletcher: I’m sorry but is this a joke?

Benedict: Does Mr. Shaw seem like the joking type?

David Hoff: So, should we ask him about the donation?

Benedict: Yes. Mr. Shaw is a little embarrassed to talk about money because, well, he’s on it.

Dan Fletcher: Okay. Well, we’re talking to various investors in the hopes of–

Benedict: [interrupting] I’m sorry. I need to stop you for a moment. Mr. Shaw would like to see your watch?

Dan Fletcher: Oh?

Benedict: He finds it quite shiny.

[Dan Fletcher opens his watch and hands it over to Benedict]

[Benedict shakes the watch in front of Mr. Shaw]

Yes, very shiny sir. Mr. Shaw brightly notes that when the light hits your watch, it reminds him of a fish glinsing in the stream. Ha-ha-ha. Woo, could it jump.

[Benedict gives Dan Fletcher’s back back]

Dan Fletcher: Um, I’m sorry but what are we doing here?

David Hoff: Yes, I’m afraid this is a complete waste of time.

Benedict: Really? A waste of time? But it wasn’t a waste of time when Dalai Lama spent his 16th birthday here, with Mr. Shaw. [Benedict shows pictures of celebrities with Mr. Shaw] Richard Ransom seemed very content a while away that afternoon. As the both Nelson Mandela and Howei Mandel. And of course there was that time that Mr. Shaw met Search Salman Rushdie. And was quite disappointed to find that this was one Salman (salmon) he couldn’t eat.

Dan Fletcher: Look, we need money for our hospital to help sick people.

Benedict: Interesting. Now we are getting somewhere. Quick conference. [whispering with Mr. Shaw] Very well sir, congratulations gentlemen.

Dan Fletcher: You’re serious? You’re going to donate to the hospital?

Benedict: $1.7 million in courtesy of this old softy. Sir, maybe they’ll after your donation name a wing after you.  Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, no, I intended it as a joke sir. I meant no disrespect. No, that was not my intention at all. What subtext? Sir, you– you can’t mean that. After all I’ve given 27 years. I missed my daughter’s birth. Well, you can’t fire me sir, because I quit. Good luck with everything, gentlemen. I hope your hospital can fix a broken heart.

[David Hoff is crying]

David Hoff: So sad.

Dan Fletcher: Actually, cardiology is one of our specialties.

Benedict: I suppose I’ll collect my things. [Benedict walks pass the door and comes back with a football and

Gentlemen, good luck with your hospital. Mr. Shaw, it’s been a wild ride.

[Benedict walks out]

[David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are looking at the Mr. Shaw]

Dan Fletcher: So, do you write us the check? Or…

[Carolina walks in]

Carolina: Excuse me, Mr. Shaw will take his bath now. What’s that sir? Join you? Oh, Mr Shaw! [smiling]

[The End]