Bert… Bowen Yang
Jewish Elvis… Sarah Sherman
Lois… Austin Butler
Laura… Ego Nwodim
Chloe Fineman[Starts with audience talking in a show. Most of them are elderly women.]
Cecily: Okay, these are very good seats.
Laura: I mean, very good seats.
Chloe: Wow grandma, I didn’t realize your retirement home had its very own theater. I mean this is fantastic.
Cecily: Oh no. The Oasis has it all. A nightclub.
Laura: A sauna.
Cecily: Carpeted bathroom.
Laura: Carpeted locker rooms.
Cecily: And a steakhouse where everything is well done. Except the service.
Chloe: Grandma, what’s wrong with Lois?
Lois: Oh my god, he’s here it’s in the building. Oh my freaking god. It’s really happening.
Laura: She’s just excited for the show.
Cecily: Well, Laura, we all are. I mean, first night of Hanukkah when they really kick things off with a bang.
Chloe: I don’t understand. Who are you also excited to see?
Lois: Oh, oh, there he is. There he is.
All: Oh my god, it’s Jewish Elvis. Ah![Jewish Elvis is dancing and the audience are cheering for him]
Lois: Oh my god.
Jewish Elvis: Thank you. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] Can somebody turn up the AC? I’m schimtzing like a friggin hound dog up here. Ah, what are you gonna do? It’s Viva Las Vegas.
Lois: Oh my god, I’m so horny. I’m gonna friggin explode.
Chloe: I’m sorry. I don’t get it.
Cecily: Yes, I can explain. He’s Jewish Elvis.
Chloe: Right. But…
Cecily: Quiet. He’s back to sing.
Jewish Elvis: Wise men say
Who is wise men?
Why are they so wise?
only fools rush in
what’s the rush?
everybody just relax
I can’t help
I could help,
I don’t want to
my back hurts
I can’t help ordering a diet coke
at every restaurant I go to
Lois: Oh, he sings like a freaking angel. Oh my god.
Chloe: I mean it’s a little bit of singing but it’s mostly complaining.
Laura: Yeah, he’s Jewish Elvis. Hello! Are you stupid?[Jewish Elvis starts dancing]
Jewish Elvis: Everybody wants me to do my moves.
Cecily: Oh my god. Yes, please.
Lois: I’m like Niagara Falls over him. My chair is gonna friggin drown. [pulls out her underwear] Oh, ruin me, Jewish Elvis. Ruin me. [throws her underwear to the stage]
Jewish Elvis: Oh, gross. No, thank you. I think you everything bangles got a little too much cream cheese on it. You know what I’m saying?
Laura: This is the best night of my life.
Chloe: Night? It is 4:30 in the afternoon.
Jewish Elvis: My God, I got she was no I got schmutz all over my suit. Was no one gonna tell me I got schmutz all over my friggin suit? I mean, what is this? Mustard? I’m walking around like a goofball with mustard on my friggin little scarf? I mean, oh my god this is a zizzaster.
Chloe: Did he just say zizzaster?
Lois: It’s his famous catchphrase. Whooo!
Bert: All right, hello. Sorry everyone. I’m Bert the director of the retirement home.
Cecily: No! Get your fat ass of the stage.
Lois: You are blocking Jewish Elvis. You fat a-hole.
Bert: Ladies, calm down. Apparently somebody broke the toilet in the handicapped stall. [Jewish Elvis slowly walks out of the stage] It’s completely flooded and covered and blue rhinestones. Witnesses said there was a man inside screaming “Oh no, it won’t go down. This is zizzaster.” Jewish Elvis, is there anything you want to say?
Jewish Elvis: Yeah. Hey, what are you gonna do? Viva Las Vegas.
Cecily: Get off the stage. Fat sub.
Chloe: Wait guys, where is Lois?
Cecily: I don’t know. Oh my god. She’s on the stage.[Lois is on the stage with Jewish Elvis]
Jewish Elvis: Sing it with me, mommy.
My stomach hurts
sing it with me
Lois: I got a bad cramp
Jewish Elvis: I love you. Together.
Both: I think I accidentally had dairy
all together y’all
All: We can’t go on together
with delicious cheese
we all got diarrhea
from delicious cheese
Jewish Elvis: Happy blue Hanukkah everyone. From all of us and Jewish Elvis.