Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant
Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong
Big Bird… Kyle Mooney
Joe Rogan… Pete Davidson
Ernie… Mikey Day
Bert… Alex Moffat
Dracula… Aristotle Athari
Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman[Starts with channel intro]
Male voice: You’re watching Newsmax kids. At one it’s White Power Ranger. But first, it’s Ted Cruz Street.[Cut to Ted Cruz standing in front of a door.]
Ted Cruz: Hello. Hello, I’m Texas senator and the last one invited to Thanksgiving, Ted Cruz. You know, for Ernie0 years I stood by Sesame Street, taught our children dangerous ideas like numbers and kindness. But when Big Bird told children to get vaccinated against deadly disease, I said, “Enough!”. And I created my own Sesame Street called Cruz Street. It’s a gated community where kids are safe from the World Government. Tell them kids.[There are three kids who are singing]
Kids: Cruzy days
sweeping the libs away
and he hopes you’ll say
that his beard looks sweet
Ted Cruz: Grab an eagle and a gun
Kids: Bring that gun to cruz street[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in with a rifle]
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Did someone say bring gun?
Ted Cruz: Oh. Marjorie Taylor Greene. What are you doing here?
Marjorie Taylor Greene: I’m just taking a break from releasing the phone numbers of Republicans who voted for the infrastructure bill so they and their families get death threats. And I thought I’d stop by. Here kid, you want to hold the AR-Ted CruzErnie?
Andrew: I don’t think I should.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Pussy.
Ted Cruz: And I hear you have a word from our sponsor.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s right. Today’s episode is brought to you by Q. Not the letter, the man. He will tell us when JFK Jr. who is alive will reveal himself and help President Trump reclaim his rightful throne.
Ted Cruz: Everything about that sounds right. Thanks, Marjorie.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: I represent America.
Ted Cruz: Now, as you know, I was mocked for attacking Big Bird on Twitter, simply because I’m a human senator and he is an eight foot tall fictional bird. But let’s see what happened to Big Bird after he got the vaccine.[Big Bird walks in. It’s a guy wearing yellow bird costume]
Big Bird: Oh, man. I don’t feel too good.
Ted Cruz: Wow. So this is what happened to you a week after you got the vaccine?
Big Bird: It sure is. My feathers fell out. My nuts got huge. And my joints don’t work. It’s real bad man.
Ted Cruz: Well, don’t worry. I read online that you can take a bath in Borax, and that will cleanse you have any nanotechnology?
Andrew: You’re sure, Senator Cruz? That sounds kind of dumb.
Ted Cruz: No. You’re dumb. Borax is cool.
Big Bird: Maybe the vaccine gave me COVID.
Ted Cruz: Yes, yes, that sounds correct. Let’s ask our resident medical expert, Joe Rogan.[Joe Rogan walks in eating chips]
Joe Rogan: Yes, that’s right. I used to host Fear Factor and now doctors fear me.
Big Bird: Can you help me, Joe?
Joe Rogan: Oh, sure thing Big Bird. You see, I took Carlos Mencia down. I can take COVID. Here some zinc, and ayahuasca and some horse medicine.
Big Bird: But why would a bird take horse medicine?
Joe Rogan: I’m a human and I took horse medicine. And I’m speaking of things that are a horse like. Today’s two sponsors are the letters S and D as in I can S my own D.
Bowen: Oh my god. Isn’t this for kids?
Andrew: No one under 65 watches.
Melissa: I’m almost 30.
Ted Cruz: Thanks, Joe Rogan. But S and D aren’t the only letters we’re talking about today. There’s also three terrible letters C, R and T. Critical Race Theory. And I think it stands for Caucasian Rights Trampled. That’s why the proud boys have been invading school board meetings to keep CRT out of our classrooms. Please welcome to have the proud boys, Bert and Ernie.[Ernie and Bert walk in]
Ernie: Hi. Hi, Ted.
Bert: And yeah, we are out and proud.
Ted Cruz: That’s right. They are out there every day proudly fighting the progressive agenda.
Ernie: Our relationship has progressed a bit.
Bert: We got engaged. [showing their rings] Ha-ha-ha.
Ted Cruz: Engaged in a battle against the tyranny of wokers.
Ernie: Hey, Bert, let’s go take a bath.[Ernie and Bert leave]
Ted Cruz: Their girlfriends are very lucky. Now another danger facing our country is the Democrats new social safety net bill.[Oscar comes out of trash can. He’s wearing Grinch costume.]
Oscar: Did somebody say free money?
Ted Cruz: Uh-oh, it’s been Nemesis Oscar the slouch. He’s been trained by the Democrats to suck up the the government.
Oscar: That’s right. Papa Joe Biden gave me so many STEMIs, I decided to quit working and live in this trash can. Now you all work hard and Biden gives me your money.
Ted Cruz: Wow. And you have no shame about that?
Oscar: Um-um. I’m proud of it. I’m a ward of the state. I use your tax money on drugs and pornography.
Ted Cruz: At least he admitted it. All Democrats are him. Let’s take a quick break. And when we return we’ll find out how Trump definitely won the election with the recount count.[ A guys walks in Dracula custume.]
Dracula: I’m moving to Arizona.
Ted Cruz: And don’t miss our Word of the day, Freedom, with Miss Britney Spears.[Britney Spears walks in dancing]
Britney Spears: Oh my god, you guys. We did it.
All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.